By Oh man... - Australia - Perth

Doggy Wants A Bone

Today, I began my ritual of my afternoon wank. As I was about to finish, I noticed my dog staring at me from across the room. We shared a longboard stare as I came, and I can't look him in the eyes the same way. FML

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That'll be Kevin in accounting

Music nerds of the world unite!

Pay up, dude

By Liam - 6/5/2021 02:01

Gratitude walks

Today, my girl called me a "brainless, insensitive prick" Why? Because I wanted to surprise her with flowers since she’s been on vacation for 3 weeks and I hadn’t seen her. She was badly sunburned. I’d bought sunflowers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

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By what the fuck - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, a customer spent ages bitching me out, because he refused to believe he needed to upgrade his computer, which still runs Windows 98, in order to install a modern game for his grandson. He ended up calling my manager and trying to get me fired for scamming him. FML

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By That escalated quickly - United States - Ocean City

Look at that

Today, while driving to Nashville, I saw a bunch of wild turkeys huddled together on the side of the road. I was excited to point them out to my boyfriend, until I realized that the "wild turkeys" were in fact vultures, and that they were eating a dead deer. FML

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By M3DO

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

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By wah wah "you raised him" - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my son holding a lighter to the end of a pen and sniffing the fumes. Apparently he thought it would get him high. FML

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By FMLimsomad - United States

Today, I looked outside and I saw that my new car had been snowed on. Sadly the snow had frozen onto the car, so I spent the entire day getting it off. I came inside. By 8pm, my car had snow all over it again, and this time I left the window open. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

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By Renesmeekuhnell - Denmark

Today, I had to walk through the blistering snow, because my boss needed something really important: cream cheese. FML

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By greenchan - United States

Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML

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By

Today, I found out I'm going to have to come into the office on yet another weekend to plow snow. This wouldn't be so bad, if I actually got paid to work weekends. FML

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By GMD - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, my daughter and her boyfriend excitedly told me that after months of trying they are finally pregnant and that I'm going to be a grandmother. This would be great news if they weren't 15. FML

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By What am I doing with my life? - United States - Aurora

Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 14:00

This Charming Man

Today, I explained to my man child of a boyfriend that we don't reuse dirty dishes. We have to wash them. He doesn't think it's gross and yelled at me, throwing the pan in the sink. Oh, he also refuses to wash dishes. FML

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By Evjoel - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, I decided to take some local college courses to improve my résumé. I got into the physics room and a large, multi-colored sign in large print stated, "NO THROWING OR STABBING." FML

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By Smittynumerouno - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had an old man yell in my face because the boxes in our store only had Spanish words on them. I spent 15 minutes apologizing and trying to explain that the English was on the back side. He stormed out before I could even show him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man tried to rob the winery I worked at by knife-point. I managed to scare him off by throwing a bottle of wine at him. My boss fired me because I broke a $25 bottle of wine. FML

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By Zibby

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

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By redhanded - United States

Today, I noticed my hidden porn folder on my laptop had been renamed to "LOL". I live with my teenage daughter, and no one else. FML

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By Anonymous

Call the FBI on her ass

Today, I got home from work to I find my cash box open and empty. My mom walked up and said, "If you have a lock that easy to pick, you don't deserve the money." There was 650 dollars in there. She refuses to give it back. FML

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By Damn.... - United States

Today, I was given the ultimate ultimatum: either I suffer excruciating stomach pains and remain a hostage to the porcelain whirlpool goddess, or I stop taking pain medication and face the wrath of a raging infection in my jaw. FML

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By astalkerindeed - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that my cell phone bill was much higher than normal. After investigating, I realized that a text conversation I had with my stalker, telling him multiple times not to contact me anymore, was to an international cell phone. I have to pay to be stalked. FML

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By anon - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 16 year old daughter convinced her little sister that I am a robot. Now every time I try to talk to her she starts crying. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Poperinge

Today, my boyfriend broke things off, because he says I have a "horrible, horrible personality" and that I'm only really fuck-buddy material, which is a problem because he wants something long-term. We've been dating for three years. FML

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By quiet_screaming_ - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I learned I don't have a yeast infection. I have herpes. FML

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By unbelievable

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend always says she's been at "Alex's house", she hasn't meant the house of her friend Alexis, but rather the house of the man she has been cheating on me with. She literally told me she was cheating on me and still managed to avoid getting caught. FML

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By LondonTor - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Christmas is dangerous

Today, I was moving my sofa to make space for the Christmas tree and the sofa slipped on the wooden floor, thus flipping my right big toenail up 90° so it is now only connected at the cuticle. FML

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By THANKS4theINFO - United States

Today, I was watching a movie at my girlfriend's house with her and her parents. There was a part where a brother and sister kissed, so I said "where'd they come from, Alabama?" Today is also the day I found out my girlfriend's parents are from Alabama. FML

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By hjgjh - United States

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

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By vetstudentdream - Australia - Bellbowrie

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML

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By anon - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

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By shmarf - United States - Belton

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

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By Lin - United States

Today, I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me stand in front of him because I'm short. It wasn't until the show started and people were jumping around did I realize he had a boner and was repeatedly bumping into me. FML

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By embaressed - United States

Today, I was standing outside a store about to flirt with this guy when my mother drove up and shouted, "Hurry up, I have diarrhea!" FML

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By Ploeboi - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML

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By dentedmercedes - United States - Berkley

Today, I was rear ended at McDonald's by the same driver who rear ended me at the same McDonald's last week. FML

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By junior07

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

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By chaos2007 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. After a day out partying, I came home to find all my stuff smashed in the yard, even my 42" plasma TV. After asking my girlfriend what her problem was, she said a "slut" left a message on the machine stating how fun last night was. It turned out to be my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me to a movie after days of not seeing me. This long awaited date involved me paying for food and my movie ticket when he ran out of cash again. He then dumped me as we left the theater walking to his car. Well, I financed my own breakup date. FML

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By oliver - United States

Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML

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Top comments

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7516382 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 0:46

"Big deal, man. I lick my balls all day and hump the couch."

By bigtwobah | 6

#7516465 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 1:44

If your ritual in the afternoon is to beat off, you need a goddamn job.

COMMENTS

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7516382 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 0:46

"Big deal, man. I lick my balls all day and hump the couch."

By John Froggatt | 3

#7516448 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 1:33

Yup sounds like my Amy ;-)

By bigtwobah | 6

#7516465 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 1:44

If your ritual in the afternoon is to beat off, you need a goddamn job.

Reply

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7630822 - Saturday 5 May 2018 1:16

Maybe he works nightshifts?

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#7516470 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 1:49

Kind of a jerk move, watching you and making things weird. A pretty dog move IMO.

By jfsiv | 17

#7516492 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 2:04

So.... just how do you look into his eyes now?

By tolkien897 | 15

#7516694 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 5:30

Well, at least you aren't the weird one that let's their dog in on the action. those people are creepy.

By olga_crvjl | 19

#7516850 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 8:38

Ohhh poor dog can never look at you same either lol

By babyblueyes | 27

#7517157 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 13:09

....why did you finish? That's the most disturbing part. The fact that you stared and continued..

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7517233 - Tuesday 1 August 2017 14:23

As opposed to your daily morning or evening wank???

By Bri Evans | 2

#7560489 - Sunday 5 November 2017 6:18

OMG poor dog