Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark...

By trainE - 30/3/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22273

You deserved it

94334

Favorite

Animals

Instadrama

Does it taste good?

Delayed proposal

By loneliness - 30/12/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30018

You deserved it

7335

Favorite

By anon - 29/11/2011 23:59 - United Kingdom

Today, a guy lost control of his umbrella in the wind, which then hit me in the eye, making me bleed. He screamed at me for trying to steal his umbrella. People laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37693

You deserved it

2261

Favorite

By Whoops... - 2/9/2018 14:30

Today, my breakfast disagreed with me and I shit myself unexpectedly at the laundromat, right after starting the washer with all of my other pants in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2673

You deserved it

274

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/10/2011 17:27 - United States

Today, I got called for a job interview. I didn't catch where it was, and in my excitement I forgot to ask. I now have no idea where I'm being interviewed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13634

You deserved it

35023

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I kissed my husband and said "I love you." Thats when our 5 year old son said to my husband "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

64517

You deserved it

4159

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 20:47 - Canada

Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46104

You deserved it

8377

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 06:47 - United States

Today, for my Teen Living class, all the students got a fake baby. In order to stop the baby from crying, you have to use the bracelet they provide. I lost the bracelet. I have the baby all weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9641

You deserved it

40803

Favorite

By Ariel - 2/6/2009 12:19 - Israel

Today, I got an "Enlarge your penis" email for the millionth time. I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

93165

You deserved it

7735

Favorite

By Anonyme - 22/6/2016 04:05

Today, my parents, who aren’t usually lenient, allowed me to have my boyfriend over. We started to cuddle, things got a little heated, but then my sister walks in and says, “You do my math homework, or I tell mom what you guys were doing.” I don’t remember middle school math being this hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15317

You deserved it

4119

Favorite

By sideeffect001 - 2/2/2016 18:48 - United States - Logan

Today, I found out that my tax filing status was never changed after my divorce. This means I haven't been paying enough and now the government wants its money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21412

You deserved it

4252

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I was pulling into a parking garage space and using the next car over to judge where the wall was in front of me, but ended up whumping my front bumper as I pulled forward. Wondering what had happened, I got out to see that the car I was aligning myself against had hit the wall too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9334

You deserved it

26830

Favorite

By Jbs4lf - 27/12/2011 03:15 - Belgium

Today, I got punched in the face by a drunk because I couldn't give him any cigarettes. I don't smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30461

You deserved it

2673

Favorite

By geedeewhy - 1/1/2019 04:00

Today, my period was officially 2 weeks late. I have a phobia about giving birth, so I had a panic attack, went to Walmart, spend $15 on four pregnancy tests and a drink, came home, and took the tests. All four came back negative. As I went to clean up and throw everything away, I got my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2466

You deserved it

728

Favorite

By blondessdoll - 4/5/2016 17:30 - United States

Today, when getting my eyebrows waxed, the lady cursed "oh shit!" under her breath, right after waxing half of my brow off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13698

You deserved it

1087

Favorite

By WasntMe - 28/5/2018 20:30

In the words of Shaggy...

Today, my husband went through my phone and computer, accusing me of cheating. Baffled and hurt by the untrue accusation, I asked what he found that made him think that. He replied, "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Apparently, no evidence IS evidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3535

You deserved it

218

Favorite

By actionboy116 - 21/7/2015 06:05 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27341

You deserved it

1952

Favorite

By Creepster - 13/1/2010 06:31 - United States

Today, I almost crashed my car because I was checking out an Old Navy mannequin wearing a bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7560

You deserved it

50742

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/8/2013 18:11 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55259

You deserved it

5926

Favorite

By Boyufd - 16/8/2019 22:00

Paaaaaaarty!

Today, it's my birthday. I'd planned an outside party in my backyard, and I'd invited all of my friends. Only 2 of them showed up. It also rained today, even though it wasn't supposed to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1609

You deserved it

126

Favorite

By "LovelySB" - 21/4/2019 04:00

Today, while trying to get over all the emotional things I've been going through, I forgot that my bedroom door was open and here my silly behind was dancing in my underwear while my roommate watched on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1500

You deserved it

649

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/6/2012 20:27 - United States

Today, I was operating on a young girl, when she began to awaken during the surgery. We quickly put her back under, of course, but now I'm terrified that she'll remember my profuse cursing and get me in the shit with my curmudgeonly killjoy of a boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25860

You deserved it

11362

Favorite

By penguins - 13/11/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, I found out that in the three years I've been dating my boyfriend, his parents have secretly been going through all of his emails, including the ones I've sent him with "sexy" pictures attached. I can't look his parents in the eye without being reminded that they've both seen me naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27072

You deserved it

14632

Favorite

By Jessi - 21/7/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband was trying to cheat on me while I was away at basic training. I signed up for the service to pay off his debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42682

You deserved it

5752

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 19:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came into my room, looked at my laptop, and said he could hear the porn I was watching all the way from his room. I wasn't watching porn. We soon realised it was actually coming from his mobile phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59588

You deserved it

4454

Favorite

By Brit - 16/12/2011 08:50 - Reserved

Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42203

You deserved it

6831

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/2/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Because apparently her friends have seen me hanging out with a hot girl, giving her long hugs and making her laugh. That "hot girl" is my sister, who got back from her study abroad a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37821

You deserved it

2692

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/4/2016 02:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a ticket for being drunk in public. I was walking a couple blocks from the bar to my house, because I didn't want to drive drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25366

You deserved it

2657

Favorite

By nerdsgetmehot - 29/12/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, six months have passed since my parents announced that they're getting a divorce. We're all still awkwardly living together because we haven't been able to sell our house yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30876

You deserved it

2456

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/4/2013 18:04 - Portugal - Sintra

Today, while on the bus, an elderly man fell asleep on my shoulder. He looked sweet, so I didn't push him off. A few minutes later, the bus jolted and his head slipped down into my breasts. I'm pretty sure you don't smile like that when you're really asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42911

You deserved it

7226

Favorite

By gross - 15/7/2011 01:09 - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47146

You deserved it

4970

Favorite

By whattheheck - 4/6/2012 04:34 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I found out that my new girlfriend breastfeeds her dolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36006

You deserved it

3458

Favorite

By Escape! - 3/2/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, I walked in on my porn addicted roommate watching a gynecologist exam online. He asked me to watch it with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48393

You deserved it

4233

Favorite

By shut_up - 21/8/2013 14:08 - United States - Roseburg

Today, after I had watched a few videos of myself, I realized the sound of my own voice is the single most annoying thing I have ever heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48671

You deserved it

5771

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 17:20 - Romania

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44221

You deserved it

3610

Favorite

By Loveandpoetry - 31/5/2011 21:12

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a poem, and left it on the bed with a rose for him to see after work. When I came home later, I noticed the flower in the trash, and the poem had been used as gum wrapper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38727

You deserved it

5342

Favorite

By CathyM - 27/9/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I was in the ER where I work as a registrar. A patient received a plastic urinal to use in his room. Most patients throw them away when they leave. He, however, decided to take it with him, and as he checked out, put it on the registration counter. Two feet from my face. It was used. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25789

You deserved it

2779

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 14:45 - Canada

Today, I got a haircut, and after thanking the stylist I went up front to pay. The lady behind the counter took one look at me, smiled and said "well, now you'll need a hat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28980

You deserved it

2685

Favorite

By upupandaway - 30/1/2012 23:51 - United States

Today, I spent two hours perfecting a really romantic text message to my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. I listed all the things I loved about him, and recalled some of our best times together. Two minutes after I sent it, he replied, "Huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28350

You deserved it

9932

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 19:11 - United States

Today, I was smoking while driving. A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I thought he could smell the tobacco, so I decided to just admit it. As it turns out, I was going well over the speed limit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7286

You deserved it

39614

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 13:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Instead of having breakup sex, she tidied my room. She said it gave her more pleasure than any time we'd ever had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28952

You deserved it

13840

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By shamille | 5

#69413 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:50

at least they didn't steal your dog

By iBou_fml | 3

#69451 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:17

half an hour masturbating?
:S

COMMENTS

By JoshBuescher | 0

#69406 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:45

its not your fault,i would have done the same thing.

nosedive1994 | 0

#981190 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:09

so now you can't get pay-per-view to Jack off to lol

rileybrownie | 0

#2862208 - Sunday 10 July 2011 19:39

yeah it's not your fault at all!! xD sorry to hear about your TV

XxSuNnYGiLLxX | 7

#4457220 - Sunday 20 May 2012 0:50

im surprised your dog didnt bite his assss

Screwie | 25

#4909610 - Saturday 8 September 2012 21:56

Should've gone downstairs with your volcano gun.

By shamille | 5

#69413 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:50

at least they didn't steal your dog

jazziue | 0

#901801 - Sunday 28 February 2010 23:37

hope it was good

spaerro | 8

#3261522 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:03

France approves.

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4216456 - Monday 26 March 2012 5:24

You were masturbating for 30 min ?

By Templemind47 | 0

#69415 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:51

You did not know, but it might make a good excuse for the parents...

By JoshBuescher | 0

#69418 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:53

HA! I AM FOURTH TOO!!!

By CStigler | 0

#69423 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:55

what you get when you ignore your dog...

Wild_Marco | 13

#5805266 - Thursday 26 December 2013 6:34

When you have a dog that barks at every person,car or animal that walks by, you tend to start ignoring the constant barking...

By CStigler | 0

#69427 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:57

what you get for ignoring your dog.

By Jimboom | 11

#69433 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:05

Ha ha! Wanker.

By msrock | 0

#69435 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:07

What do you say when you see your TV floating away in the middle of the night?

zac12345 | 0

#951137 - Monday 15 March 2010 23:20

NIGGAHS

By lpaul49 | 0

#69448 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:15

Way to be irresponsible, douche.

By iBou_fml | 3

#69451 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:17

half an hour masturbating?
:S

lasapa | 2

#1873592 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 15:34

exactly what i thought