Animals: Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark...

By trainE - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22281

You deserved it

94355

Favorite

Animals

Fragile

Bit on the side

Facebook Science

By tikizombie - Canada

Today, I was moving out of my old place. While walking around to make sure I would get my damage deposit back, I stepped on my roommate's lipstick and smeared it all over the white carpet. Then, I tripped on the phone cord and ripped the whole thing out of the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35115

You deserved it

8347

Favorite

By Josh - United States

Today, I found out the reason why my therapist was so nice to me all of the time. Apparently, she is afraid that I'm going to stab her if she pisses me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29319

You deserved it

5796

Favorite

By Chelsea - United States - Aurora

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32855

You deserved it

2653

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, nine weeks after giving birth, my husband and I finally tried to have sex since a friend was watching the baby. Not only could I not get wet due to hormones, but as soon as he got back from buying lube, his drunk brother called needing a ride from the bar. No sex for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1969

You deserved it

264

Favorite

Today, I saw my little brother drink from the milk carton, gag, and spit the milk back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7183

You deserved it

462

Favorite

By Amey - United States

Today, while watching TV, I danced, sang along, and helped Dora the Explorer get to her Grandmother's house. It was the most fun I've had all year. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62238

You deserved it

29314

Favorite

By Sam_Licker81 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25681

You deserved it

6643

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46415

You deserved it

5857

Favorite

By Rachel - United States

Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36890

You deserved it

13457

Favorite

By Racked - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I walked my girlfriend home. As I kissed her goodbye, I heard a high-pitched scream and turned just in time to see her little brother charge head-first into my nuts. All because I kissed her on the cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23063

You deserved it

1900

Favorite

By sumhub94 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4-year-old, and we decided to play a game of hide and seek. Before he started to count, he looked me in the eyes and said that if I hid in his spot, he'd murder me with a knife when he grows up. I have to babysit this kid for the rest of the summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49541

You deserved it

3903

Favorite

By Slow Down - 29/10/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Close Zoom, quick sharp

Today, I had a first date via video, due to Covid. It was the first time a girl had asked me out, and she seemed very enthusiastic. Until she started to worry me by throwing in the L-word about 10 minutes in, and talking about our wedding. I've never even met this person in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1074

You deserved it

109

Favorite

By Musicfreak - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza. I paid and tipped the pizza guy, and instead of saying goodbye, I got tongue-tied and said, "I love you, boo." FML

I agree, your life sucks

16574

You deserved it

30684

Favorite

By kylie

Today, I’m trying to be healthy. My friends suggested I keep junk food out of the house so I don’t crave it. Yeah, that didn’t work. My car wouldn’t start so I actually made the four-mile walk to the nearest grocery store to get junk food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1156

You deserved it

2589

Favorite

By Anonymous

Bird song

Today, I figured I've been watching too many horror films, due to my parrot mimicking a women's blood-curdling screams that he heard in a movie. How do I know? He decided to reproduce the screams at 3 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1478

You deserved it

391

Favorite

By jsmills92 - United States - Cranston

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38332

You deserved it

4422

Favorite

By Sammy - United States

Today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My husband, the father of the baby, got a birdie on the golf course at the exact same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47692

You deserved it

5522

Favorite

By Kitcat034

Today, I told my roommate that I was an atheist and she laughed. I left and returned to find her and her prayer group praying for my soul. She told me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. I said no. Then she told me to find somewhere else to live. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4708

You deserved it

1005

Favorite

By oh - Denmark - Viborg

Today, my grandma commented on my Facebook profile picture: "That's a great photo! It doesn't look anything like you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

39903

You deserved it

3675

Favorite

By veiny - United States - Kingsport

Today, my nurse girlfriend told me she's more attracted to the veins in my arm than any other part of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31535

You deserved it

3757

Favorite

By argh - Canada

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35449

You deserved it

2034

Favorite

By PlagueFace - 17/7/2020 17:01

Spotted

Today, my dentist kept staring at me with a worried expression while working on me. Concerned that something was wrong with my teeth, I asked her what was the matter. She replied, "I'm not a dermatologist, but you should go to a doctor, I think you have staph." She was referring to my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1354

You deserved it

115

Favorite

By anne - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35714

You deserved it

5957

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Clermont

Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16923

You deserved it

41804

Favorite

By Darin Greenwood

Today, the wife and I were in the middle of having sex. She was bent over and I was taking her to pound town. I look over to see my 3 year-old son standing in the doorway, humping air. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1271

You deserved it

2210

Favorite

By - France

Today, I went onto my computer and found a cyber sex conversation between my sister and my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39992

You deserved it

3138

Favorite

By Adam - United States

Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37246

You deserved it

5147

Favorite

By thecarisfine - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while on a date, I desperately let out a stealth fart in my date's car. I didn't have the nerve to own up to it, even as he started panicking and thinking the smell was coming from his engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29814

You deserved it

8291

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I worked at my job at an amusement park at one of the roller coasters. I have to go around and make sure that every seat belt is around the passenger. I saw my boyfriend in a seat and ran over to say hi. I saw a girl next to him. I had to strap down my cheating boyfriend and the new girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66783

You deserved it

3879

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized my job is so boring that I spend most of my time trying to take a dump than actually working. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33540

You deserved it

6713

Favorite

By mbesameh - United States

Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43621

You deserved it

6229

Favorite

By tal - France

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31227

You deserved it

3820

Favorite

By bootycall:( - United States - Oxnard

Today, I went on what I thought was my fifth date with a guy. We finally got intimate and it was amazing. As soon as it was over, he said : "Sorry babe, I should get going. I have a date tomorrow and I'd hate to be tired for it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

8777

You deserved it

1215

Favorite

By shittyhall

Today, someone shat liquid poo in the hallway at work. Right. Outside. The bathroom. Another foot and they could have used a toilet instead of the carpeted floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4205

You deserved it

329

Favorite

By Foreveralone - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12984

You deserved it

871

Favorite

By Laughluv - United States

Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7779

You deserved it

36726

Favorite

By brokeandiknowit - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I installed an app that notifies me of every purchase on my credit card. Now I'm being tormented by notification after notification as my wife decimates our finances. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4394

You deserved it

929

Favorite

By Laura - United States

Today, I saw a small child take a really bad fall off his scooter, so I got rid of my cigarette and ran to help him. I asked him if he was alright, or if I could walk him to his house. He replied "I'm okay, but your dress is on fire." It was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28953

You deserved it

17382

Favorite

By Phil - Canada

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20487

You deserved it

3221

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 17:01

Just a prank, dad

Today, my son got drunk and managed to colour in my bald patch with permanent marker while I was asleep. It’s super noticeable and I look like a complete prat. Plus in a few hours, I’m supposed to be on my first date since my divorce 12 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1437

You deserved it

136

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By shamille | 5

#69413 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:50

at least they didn't steal your dog

By iBou_fml | 3

#69451 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:17

half an hour masturbating?
:S

COMMENTS

By JoshBuescher | 0

#69406 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:45

its not your fault,i would have done the same thing.

nosedive1994 | 0

#981190 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:09

so now you can't get pay-per-view to Jack off to lol

rileybrownie | 0

#2862208 - Sunday 10 July 2011 19:39

yeah it's not your fault at all!! xD sorry to hear about your TV

XxSuNnYGiLLxX | 7

#4457220 - Sunday 20 May 2012 0:50

im surprised your dog didnt bite his assss

Screwie | 25

#4909610 - Saturday 8 September 2012 21:56

Should've gone downstairs with your volcano gun.

By shamille | 5

#69413 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:50

at least they didn't steal your dog

jazziue | 0

#901801 - Sunday 28 February 2010 23:37

hope it was good

spaerro | 8

#3261522 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:03

France approves.

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4216456 - Monday 26 March 2012 5:24

You were masturbating for 30 min ?

By Templemind47 | 0

#69415 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:51

You did not know, but it might make a good excuse for the parents...

By JoshBuescher | 0

#69418 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:53

HA! I AM FOURTH TOO!!!

By CStigler | 0

#69423 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:55

what you get when you ignore your dog...

Wild_Marco | 13

#5805266 - Thursday 26 December 2013 6:34

When you have a dog that barks at every person,car or animal that walks by, you tend to start ignoring the constant barking...

By CStigler | 0

#69427 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:57

what you get for ignoring your dog.

By Jimboom | 11

#69433 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:05

Ha ha! Wanker.

By msrock | 0

#69435 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:07

What do you say when you see your TV floating away in the middle of the night?

zac12345 | 0

#951137 - Monday 15 March 2010 23:20

NIGGAHS

By lpaul49 | 0

#69448 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:15

Way to be irresponsible, douche.

By iBou_fml | 3

#69451 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:17

half an hour masturbating?
:S

lasapa | 2

#1873592 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 15:34

exactly what i thought