Animals: Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark...

By trainE - 30/03/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 347

You deserved it 94 593

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Same thing different taste

You wanker

By Jeremy - 10/05/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, my parents hosted a party at our house. After seeing one of the extremely beautiful guests, I went to masturbate in my room. When I was about to finish, my bedroom door opened suddenly. It was my mom showing around 10 party guests that our dog can open doors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 303

You deserved it 87 312

By Sam l. - 10/11/2012 06:51 - United States

Today, my dog and I were sitting on the couch. I went to the bathroom, came back, and saw him walk over the remote, which caused the TV to change to the Hustler channel, just a few moments before my girlfriend walked through the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 161

You deserved it 3 653

Idyllic

By Anonymous - 09/03/2024 20:00 - Netherlands - Valkenswaard

Today, after watching TV, my boyfriend and I had to go walk our dog. I was too lazy to get up from the couch immediately so I teased him by turning off all the (smart) lights using my phone. He got mad and went upstairs to continue watching TV, so now I have to walk the dog alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 751

Sixth sense

By fappy dog - 23/01/2014 21:06 - United States - Granite City

Today, and for the past week, my dog has started barking at my door when I start masturbating. I think my mom is starting to suspect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 616

You deserved it 11 277

WTF are you doing?

By Anonymous - 27/11/2019 18:00 - United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 704

You deserved it 299

By misc - 10/02/2009 23:06 - United States

I agree, your life sucks 553 594

You deserved it 47 034

Bad doggo!

By coral - 08/07/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him, only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked, and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 673

You deserved it 12 417

By Puppy Loverr - 25/08/2011 07:12 - Australia

Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 442

You deserved it 4 845

Caught in the act

By MeAgainDr - 08/08/2023 04:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was taking advantage of an empty house to try and re-spark my sex drive. Despite my best efforts, I got bored and started watching something else, but when my housemate returned suddenly, I panicked - gave a guilty shout and fumbled my dick away as I changed the monitor over - back to porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 179

You deserved it 761

Bad boy

By dogdays - 10/11/2014 01:12 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I left my dog alone while I went to work, as usual. He usually hangs out in the big bay window that faces the street. Today he decided to steal my vibrator and chew it while sitting in the window. I can only imagine how many people walked by and saw it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 024

You deserved it 7 230

shamille 5

Monday 30 March 2009 9:50

at least they didn't steal your dog

iBou_fml 4

Monday 30 March 2009 10:17

half an hour masturbating? :S

Comments

JoshBuescher 0

Monday 30 March 2009 9:45

its not your fault,i would have done the same thing.

nosedive1994 0

Sunday 18 April 2010 5:09

so now you can't get pay-per-view to Jack off to lol

rileybrownie 0

Sunday 10 July 2011 19:39

yeah it's not your fault at all!! xD sorry to hear about your TV

XxSuNnYGiLLxX 7

Sunday 20 May 2012 0:50

im surprised your dog didnt bite his assss

Screwie 25

Saturday 8 September 2012 21:56

Should've gone downstairs with your volcano gun.

shamille 5

Monday 30 March 2009 9:50

at least they didn't steal your dog

jazziue 0

Sunday 28 February 2010 23:37

hope it was good

spaerro 8

Friday 9 September 2011 10:03

France approves.

InstantRanbowMix 0

Monday 26 March 2012 5:24

You were masturbating for 30 min ?

Templemind47 0

Monday 30 March 2009 9:51

You did not know, but it might make a good excuse for the parents...

JoshBuescher 0

Monday 30 March 2009 9:53

HA! I AM FOURTH TOO!!!

CStigler 0

Monday 30 March 2009 9:55

what you get when you ignore your dog...

Wild_Marco 13

Thursday 26 December 2013 6:34

When you have a dog that barks at every person,car or animal that walks by, you tend to start ignoring the constant barking...

CStigler 0

Monday 30 March 2009 9:57

what you get for ignoring your dog.

Jimboom 11

Monday 30 March 2009 10:05

Ha ha! Wanker.

msrock 0

Monday 30 March 2009 10:07

What do you say when you see your TV floating away in the middle of the night?

zac12345 0

Monday 15 March 2010 23:20

NIGGAHS

lpaul49 0

Monday 30 March 2009 10:15

Way to be irresponsible, douche.

iBou_fml 4

Monday 30 March 2009 10:17

half an hour masturbating? :S

lasapa 2

Tuesday 21 December 2010 15:34

exactly what i thought

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my parents told me that unless I think about my behaviour and make some real changes, people are going to think I’m weird or suspicious, and I’ll never make friends. This is because I choose to attend church on Sundays instead of watching TV and getting drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 367

You deserved it 266

Today, I realized I’ve been saying “a whole nother” instead of “a whole other” my entire life. It wasn’t until my friend pointed it out with a smirk I’ve been speaking in an alternate universe. He was also the one to point out last year that my use of "like" every three words was "annoying and cringe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 116

You deserved it 430

The Top

Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 885

You deserved it 11 440

Today, my boyfriend, who hasn't shaved in a month, went to go shave. I was pretty excited since his beard was starting to make my face itch whenever we kissed. When he came out of the bathroom he had a handlebar mustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 761

You deserved it 8 989

Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 072

You deserved it 1 782

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 670

You deserved it 166

Today my life revolves around nutrition mixes, feeding times, blankets, tooth problems, and the eternal question of what caused the diarrhea. Infants, right? Well no, actually: Very, very old horses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 223

Today, I’m in Rome for Halloween. I went out with few friends and spent the night with a man. The sex would have been really great if he hadn’t said, “God bless France!” every five seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 592

You deserved it 91