Animals: Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark...

By trainE - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

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Animals

Freak out

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

Mix and match

By Ottawa - Canada

Today, I was in line for Star Trek and chatting with another couple about a guy who came to the movie wearing a Starfleet uniform. We were having a good snicker about this "Geek" until my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the sound made by the Star Trek communicator. FML

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By shocked - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

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36582

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By screwwyou - United States

Today, I was talking and joking with my boyfriend. He said "Hey wanna hear a joke?" I said "Yes." He said, "Our relationship." and walked away. He seriously dumped me through a one-liner. FML

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By Hotdamnthisismyjam - Canada

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

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By Unloveable - United States - Priest River

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me over video chat. Two days before I was to move across the country to be with him. All of my things are already shipped. He said he thinks of me as a sister. FML

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By bigvic780

Today, I fulfilled a lifelong dream by attending a Dallas Cowboys football game. Our sitter fell through at the last minute so I took my five-year-old son instead of my wife. We had to leave after the first quarter because he threw up everywhere. FML

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By yuck - United States

Today, I was in the basement at my grandma's house. The bathroom is on the ground floor and there's a laundry chute that goes down to the basement. I looked through the chute to see if the bathroom light was on. A pair of shitty underpants came down and landed in my face. They were my grandma's. FML

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By kmtranter - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend using my hand to wank. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found a video on my boyfriend's phone of him getting a blowjob. When I confronted him, he panicked and claimed it was me in the video. Then he tried to say it was from before we met, even though in the video he was wearing the watch I bought him for his birthday 3 days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Turkey

Today, I was in my hotel room. I picked up an expensive wine from the mini fridge, just to see what it is. I heard a mechanical "bling". I was charged for it. Then, I tried to put it back, only to hear another "bling". I was charged twice for expensive wine that I won't even drink. FML

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By SCdriver - United States - Lexington

Today, I called the cops to let them know that a drunk man was driving dangerously down my road. About an hour later, I was going to the store and got pulled over for speeding by the cop I called. FML

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By Dez - United States - Anchorage

Apparently not.

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend texted me asking, “We are in an open relationship, right?” FML

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By Anonymous S'wit - Portugal

Today, my anxiety got so bad that when I stole a sword in Skyrim and resisted arrest, I had a full-on panic attack as I ran away. I ended up curling up on the sofa as my character got hacked to death on the TV. FML

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By Lady of Sorrows - United States

Today, I just went to the bathroom and someone thought I was a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Applecross

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

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By jackzz - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, at the restaurant I work at, my own mom refused to give a tip and complained to my boss. FML

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34849

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By Ringo McDingo - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, I managed to knock down the curtains by my bed. That would explain the gash on my head and blood on my bed. FML

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By H-B - United States

Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML

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By Bleach dat Blood

Panic!

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

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By now what - Canada

Today, I got laid off. I abandoned my friends, my boyfriend and moved 10 hours away for this job because my uncle convinced me to. My uncle is my employer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

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By jenpearl - Australia

Today, I decided to do naked yoga in my lounge room, as I always do. Later, I found a note on my front door saying "Keep doing what you're doing". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a crowded bus on the way back from my boyfriend's when I suddenly had a terrible nose bleed. I had no tissues, so instead I had to use last night's underwear from my bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Naples

Today, I got a haircut. The guy quickly cut off most of the hair above my forehead. When I angrily asked him what he was doing, he said, "Quitting." FML

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By Kerrilyn - United States

Today, I was waiting in the car while my mom went into a store to get beer. A few minutes later, some guy was knocking on my window telling me to open the door. I started cursing him out, thinking I was getting attacked. Turns out he worked there and was putting the beer in the car. FML

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By houdinette - Sweden - Norrk?ping

Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend in his bedroom. It was getting pretty intense, so he got up to close the door. While he was facing the other way, I took off my bra and sling-shot it so that it would hit him. Right when I let go of it, his mom walked in and it hit her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

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By justdancebbyx3 - United States

Today, I logged onto Facebook and found out that my own mother unfriended me because she didn't want her new boyfriend to know that she had a daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband pooped the bed for the second time since we've been married. We've been married a month. FML

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By 8to10days - United Kingdom

Today, I received a new debit card, so I cut the old one into pieces. I then picked up my remaining card, and realized I'd cut up the wrong one. FML

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By I’m bushiest - Australia - Bankstown

Today after flying 9+ hours to meet my future month in-law I had to take a pee in the rubbish bucket from her car infront of her, I said in my very bad Japanese “so I guess we are good friends now” she responded with a confident “yes” FML

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By Rakayla - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after finally asking my crush for his number, and telling him the reason being he's the only friend whose number I don't have, he laughed, then asked, "Why would I ever be your friend?" FML

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2182

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By sleepy - United States

Today, I was trying to read a book for school, but kept falling asleep. Following some advice from a friend I tried reading on the uncomfortable floor. Two hours later my dog woke me up by peeing on my face. FML

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29128

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By "Audrey Harmon"

Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML

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4329

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By funnymanjoe - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML

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37649

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By anon. - New Zealand

Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me". FML

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31436

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By fthislyfe - United States

Today, while arm wrestling with my boyfriend, I had to pretend he beat me. FML

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45246

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By Unistudent - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I mustered up the courage to take a dump in a public toilet so I went to the disabled toilet in our university library. I did my thing, the flush didn't work, I pulled the red string thinking it would do something and a buzzer started ringing throughout the whole university. FML

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1258

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. FML

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Top comments

By shamille | 5

#69413 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:50

at least they didn't steal your dog

By iBou_fml | 3

#69451 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:17

half an hour masturbating?
:S

COMMENTS

By JoshBuescher | 0

#69406 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:45

its not your fault,i would have done the same thing.

nosedive1994 | 0

#981190 - Sunday 18 April 2010 5:09

so now you can't get pay-per-view to Jack off to lol

rileybrownie | 0

#2862208 - Sunday 10 July 2011 19:39

yeah it's not your fault at all!! xD sorry to hear about your TV

XxSuNnYGiLLxX | 7

#4457220 - Sunday 20 May 2012 0:50

im surprised your dog didnt bite his assss

Screwie | 25

#4909610 - Saturday 8 September 2012 21:56

Should've gone downstairs with your volcano gun.

By shamille | 5

#69413 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:50

at least they didn't steal your dog

jazziue | 0

#901801 - Sunday 28 February 2010 23:37

hope it was good

spaerro | 8

#3261522 - Friday 9 September 2011 10:03

France approves.

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4216456 - Monday 26 March 2012 5:24

You were masturbating for 30 min ?

By Templemind47 | 0

#69415 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:51

You did not know, but it might make a good excuse for the parents...

By JoshBuescher | 0

#69418 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:53

HA! I AM FOURTH TOO!!!

By CStigler | 0

#69423 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:55

what you get when you ignore your dog...

Wild_Marco | 13

#5805266 - Thursday 26 December 2013 6:34

When you have a dog that barks at every person,car or animal that walks by, you tend to start ignoring the constant barking...

By CStigler | 0

#69427 - Monday 30 March 2009 9:57

what you get for ignoring your dog.

By Jimboom | 11

#69433 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:05

Ha ha! Wanker.

By msrock | 0

#69435 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:07

What do you say when you see your TV floating away in the middle of the night?

zac12345 | 0

#951137 - Monday 15 March 2010 23:20

NIGGAHS

By lpaul49 | 0

#69448 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:15

Way to be irresponsible, douche.

By iBou_fml | 3

#69451 - Monday 30 March 2009 10:17

half an hour masturbating?
:S

lasapa | 2

#1873592 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 15:34

exactly what i thought