Animals: Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on,...

By aXel

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

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Animals

There's no helping some people

Deadly cocktail

Always ask for documentation

By shorty - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when I went to the shopping centre, the automatic door wouldn't open for me. I had to stand there and wait until someone else walked by to open it for me. I suffer from dwarfism and this is a daily occurrence. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 08:08

Double standards

Today, the friend who I'm crushing on but doesn't like me like that back said she wants us to keep our distance AND got angry because I told her I joined a dating app. Now she thinks I lied about my feelings. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waterford

Today, my friend offered to make me a playlist for the gym. I thought it was really thoughtful, until I started listening to it during my workout and realized that every single song was "Supersize Me" with the title changed. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML

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35593

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By YouBossturd - United States - Washington

Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML

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By greg76 - France

Today, I was on a transatlantic flight, ear plugs in my ears. The steward walked past with a plastic bag. I threw my litter into it and didn't immediately understand why he said, "Very funny, sir." It wasn't a bin bag, he was collecting for Unicef. FML

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By sophhiee - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's house for a party. I was trying to strike up a conversation with one of my cute guy friends, so I showed him this funny picture of me that my friend took. His reply was "Hahahaa those Fatbooth pictures are hilarious!" It wasn't a Fatbooth picture. FML

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36675

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

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41907

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By karebear - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

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33580

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By bcoper - United States

Today, I was in pain due to overdoing it at the gym yesterday, so I thought a hot shower might help. Not only was there no hot water because of my sister's hour long showers, but I slipped getting out and hit my head. Now the pain is worse. FML

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By ovawerkrd - United Kingdom

Today, I finished working a week's overtime managing admin, stock, finances, and three members of staff. I realised that despite all my extra work, I actually earn less per hour than the students who only work on the weekends. FML

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By job hunter - United States - New York

Today, I interviewed for my dream job. Everything was going great until the interviewer asked, "So, what's your least favorite race?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kerman

Today, I was at the store with my kids. My 5-year-old son wanted to carry the milk carton, so I let him. He dropped it and it spilled. I was really embarrassed. Then he decided to get on the floor and lick the milk off the ground. Everyone stared at me accusingly. FML

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48196

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By higgles15 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got a bikini wax. They said it wouldn't hurt too badly, and that it would just sting. My friend heard me screaming from all the way down the hall in the waiting room. FML

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14191

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By Peggy Peggerson - 9/10/2020 02:03 - United States

It's the new craze!

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I’d feel comfortable pegging him. I had no idea what that meant, so I had to look it up. I tried to keep an open mind but it was just too far outside my comfort zone. Now he’s sulking and complaining about me being a prude. FML

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1078

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By Crazyyyymomentsss - United States

Today, I found why exactly my clothes always seemed more stretched out after about a week of owning them. My mom steals and wears them when she goes clubbing. My mom is 46, twice my size, and gets out more than me. FML

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45918

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while emailing my very young, attractive teacher to ask a question, my hand slipped. Too bad you can't unsend emails that say "Can we meet after school some time? I have some thongs I'd like to discuss with you." FML

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42248

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By Ross R - United States - Richland

Today, I decided to cover a coworker's closing shift because she felt sick. My boss even gave me a $10 gift card for doing it. I felt good about it, until I walked outside and found that my car had been stolen. FML

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38146

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that I'm not my girlfriend's only boyfriend. The other guy sells shoes on Facebook. FML

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1499

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108

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By omfgmaya - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend brought me to his place to meet his parents. When they saw me, they laughed. FML

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46219

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By Jacky-Boy - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

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35749

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML

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39296

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By worst - Philippines

Today, my mom said I was the worst of her 5 children. My IQ is 130, an honor student, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol, or do drugs. I'm the "worst" because I don't go to church every Sunday. FML

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By ticketed - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned that several thousand people in my state got tickets this month for driving and talking on the phone. My mom called to tell me this while I was driving. I'm now part of that statistic. Thanks, mom. FML

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By zztopspinner - United States

Today, whilst stacking the dish washer I dropped a steak knife. Luckily, I caught it just before it hit my foot. I fist-pumped to celebrate my amazing catch and stabbed myself in the cheek. My parents couldn't stop laughing all the way to the hospital. FML

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12677

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By Anonymous - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

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42729

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By Anonymous - United States - Danbury

Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML

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33535

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, my cat peed on my long-term project so I had to stay up until 4 am doing the whole thing again... just for it to fall in the train tracks. FML

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2177

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By hannahk267 - United States

Today, I was practicing my lines for theater class in the hall. My partner and I chose a script where we argue over me stealing her boyfriend. Since it started to sound like a real argument, another student said that I was a "crazy bitch" and punched me in the face. FML

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39898

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By ted_the_interpreter - 22/11/2020 05:03 - United States - Corona

Masked Singer

Today, I was in a video conference with my coworkers. They started arguing so much that I decided to turn off my video and started chanting ,"Let it be over, let it be over... Let me go!" The boss finally stoped everybody to comment, "We can hear you." I hadn't turned my mic off. FML

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330

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 14:02

OK, well, goodbye

Today I ordered an anchovy pizza without the mushroom. Instead, I got a mushroom pizza without the anchovy. Then, when I went to take it back, the store had closed. Permanently. FML

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1016

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177

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I not only absent-mindedly tried to scrub the natural suntan from my arm, I also spent several long seconds wondering why it wouldn't come free. FML

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By cwell88

Today, my bike was stolen. These things happen so I went to work. On my walk to work a girl pulls up on my bike and says I need to fix the brakes, someone could kill themselves. Hands the bike to me and runs off. Not even 3 minutes pass as police surround me and accuse me of stealing my own bike. FML

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28639

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By Adil Ilahi - United Kingdom - Keighley

Trawling

Today, my friends yet again told me to hop on Tinder and other dating sites, saying how easy it is to match up, and I keep telling them I will soon. In reality, I've been on them for weeks, without a match. FML

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3779

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298

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By sorrynotsorry - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

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43769

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By bbns - Germany

Today, I organized a party, invited a girl I've been secretly in love with for years, as well as a friend of mine who brought along an unknown mate of his. The party was fine, although the unknown mate threw up all over the floor. Now, the girl is dating that unknown mate and is in love with him. FML

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25273

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By Kim - United States

Today, I got back a paper after a peer review. I had worked really hard on it over the last week and was proud of the end result. When I got the paper back the only positive comment on the paper was "well I really like the blue staple you used to hold it together." FML

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54778

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By DoseyGit

Today, while brushing my teeth I noticed a hair in the sink. Running the scenario over in my mind, I was going to simultaneously spit into the sink and throw the hair on the floor. Creating a big ball of phlegm, I threw the hair back into the sink and launched a huge mouthful onto the floor. FML

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4023

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By ShiriSarah - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML

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Top comments

By Tygastyle | 0

#3180 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 3:10

at least you didn't get the boner....right?

By badmotherfucker_fml | 0

#49109 - Sunday 22 March 2009 3:21

watching you do what?

COMMENTS

By Tygastyle | 0

#3180 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 3:10

at least you didn't get the boner....right?

CaptainDoorknob | 7

#4932882 - Friday 14 September 2012 20:38

How can you be so sure?

By NoKo_fml | 0

#12701 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:14

red rocket red rocket come on red rocket red rocket

CaptainDoorknob | 7

#4932875 - Friday 14 September 2012 20:37

This comment is deserving of all the thumbs up on FML combined.

Tavers | 19

#5336675 - Wednesday 23 January 2013 19:18

I don't get it. Sum1 clue me in?

Palirose | 22

#5359892 - Friday 8 February 2013 22:37

An episode of South Park.

By lazygirl_fml | 0

#16404 - Thursday 5 March 2009 18:31

what?! that's crazy

By badmotherfucker_fml | 0

#49109 - Sunday 22 March 2009 3:21

watching you do what?

karmicsamadi86 | 9

#2771450 - Monday 27 June 2011 17:22

That's my question!

HomeAl0ne | 20

#2983855 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 6:15

Exactly!

Dawnxxoo | 11

#3648112 - Sunday 27 November 2011 14:41

guess we will never know ! :

BirdieCurls | 25

#5710316 - Thursday 10 October 2013 0:37

it scares me to think what they were doing o.o

By xMooMoox | 0

#72666 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 18:19

You are society's reject.

OdinA | 6

#4460285 - Sunday 20 May 2012 21:41

Lol

badluckalex | 23

#5973486 - Thursday 12 June 2014 19:26

you two are assholes

By ZH13 | 0

#128116 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 1:21

that's not an FML. that's just awkward. do you usually time your dog's boners?

THATCHICKDANNI | 1

#722668 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 18:24

Hiiia

pinkerton015 | 0

#999015 - Thursday 20 May 2010 16:59

hahahaha I am wondering the same.

By ZH13 | 0

#128120 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 1:23

that's not an FML. that's just awkward. do you usually time your dog's boners?

By 24788 | 6

#148992 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 0:19

This one is really creepy.

By fretforyerlatte | 0

#165879 - Monday 4 May 2009 0:35

f your life, but because you're checking out a dog's hard-on for a half hour. wtf.

Boomi | 38

#6688467 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 5:23

True. Did they have nothing better to do?

By theoffkid | 0

#167265 - Monday 4 May 2009 11:13

Ew.