Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on,...

By aXel - 13/10/2008 08:29

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Thanks, I'm cured!

Breaking Badly

By Awks - 30/11/2012 06:30 - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

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By lyssuhhhh - 26/9/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman asked me what came on a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Trying not to laugh, I respond, "Bacon, egg, and cheese." She then realizes the stupidity of her question, and launches three dollars worth of quarters at my face and says, "Laugh at that, jerk." FML

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By congrats grad - 8/6/2013 05:12 - United States - Panorama City

Today, it was my high school graduation. Everything was going fine until everyone saw my family fighting over where we would go afterwards. Security had to pull them apart. FML

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By Notpunny - 18/4/2016 22:58 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, while making small talk with a veteran, I made the mistake of using the phrase "Cost an arm and a leg". He was a double amputee. FML

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By kenleybunch - 12/3/2013 13:22 - United States - Greenville

Today, I invited my long-lost best friend over, because I haven't seen her much since she got a new boyfriend. 20 minutes into hanging out, he showed up at my door. He still hasn't left, and they're having sex on my couch right now. FML

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By preggersss - 19/7/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I got sick in the airsick bag as my flight landed. The woman next to me, trying to make me feel better, says "Don't handle landings too well?" I responded "No, I actually fly fine, I'm just 8 weeks pregnant." She looked at my left hand, noticed no ring, rolled her eyes and looked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an undelete on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

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By LXA429 - 12/3/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, I went to the tanning bed. I laid down in the bed and turned it on and the fan started blowing. There was a terrible smell and I thought it was the person before me. Then I realized it was just the fan blowing my sweaty feet towards my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 10:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while chatting to my mother, I tried to show her a funny website by pasting the URL into a message. After I sent the message, I realised that my browser hadn't copied the URL I wanted to send her, and that I'd actually pasted the previous URL I copied. It was porn. FML

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By Gem - 11/2/2011 10:59 - Australia

Today, my Dad thought "Joseph" and "Francis" were two people hacking our internet. They are actually the names of my laptop and iPod, which have now been blocked from using our modem. He can't figure out how to unblock them. FML

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By annoyed - 22/1/2015 20:23 - United States - Berkeley

Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

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By Banker - 30/1/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I interviewed for a call center job making $13/hr, the only job where they called back. I used to live in a doorman luxury apartment in Manhattan with a prime skyline view and clubhouse. That was last month. FML

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By ktiskool - 1/8/2013 04:03 - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

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By Robyn - 4/10/2011 09:35 - Ireland

Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML

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By good job bf - 11/1/2013 04:06 - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

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By biwhat - 8/3/2014 09:23 - Australia - Bassendean

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. He dumped me because apparently now there is "too much competition". FML

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By Auston - 17/7/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML

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By stpddog - 25/7/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, while trying to get my attention, my dog got her nail stuck in a usb port in my laptop. She freaked out and ran off, dragging it off my lap and through the house before if came off. Her nail was only slightly chipped- my laptop now has a cracked screen. FML

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By princesspea - 7/2/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was trying to convince me that he was not having an affair with another woman named Julie, he looked me in the eye and exclaimed, "I would never cheat on you, I love you more than anything, Julie". FML

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By HotelClerk - 22/1/2010 06:37 - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

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By Shelbs - 5/11/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to get the vaccination my college requires of all students. The nurse looked at my charts and told me there was good and bad news. The good news was that I didn't need the shot. The bad news was I needed four others. Now, both of my arms are swollen enough to make Popeye proud. FML

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By vegas-81 - 10/2/2014 03:39 - France

Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 23:18 - United States

Today, I came home to find my little sister had decided to play hopscotch under our carport. Feeling a small childish urge, I decided to hop on one leg to the front door. I tripped and fell, slicing my knee open. FML

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By alltimelove - 18/11/2010 15:34

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

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By grow_fasterrr - - 13/10/2010 05:28 - Canada

Today, I went to get a trim. However, follow-up damage control at home afterward shouldn't really be necessary on a fifty dollar haircut. FML

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By Perdito_Coño - 5/9/2014 20:55 - Australia - Quakers Hill

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she started fake-moaning like a pornstar before I even entered her, totally killing the mood and my boner. She swore she hadn't moaned, accused me of not finding her attractive enough, and angrily left. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 00:39 - United States

Today, I broke a nail at school. The edge kept getting caught on things, so I thought I could file it down by rubbing it on my jeans. Apparently it looked like I was doing something else, because I was called into the principal's office to discuss why "certain things" should be done in private. FML

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By housedoctor - 22/2/2014 11:01 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after getting back from my interior design class, I told my husband that I learned the golden rule for home decor: "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." He looked at me dead in the eyes, and didn't say a word. FML

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By Fillifilo - 18/4/2012 04:38 - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

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By NCanalyst - 11/11/2009 20:28 - Norway

Today, I interviewed potential employees for a job position that I was supposed to get promoted to. FML

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By notsosmart - 6/3/2011 11:28 - Australia

Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML

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By TSampson - 11/6/2009 11:51 - United States

Today, my mom's will was read to the rest of the family. I helped my mom write it a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay off school loans. She revised it and put in a note saying I was to get nothing because I was "lazy." The executor read it out loud. FML

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By flying13 - 3/11/2010 07:27 - United States

Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML

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By riya - 29/9/2018 05:00

Today, I had the worst day of my life. I'd studied science for the whole damn night, only to realize the next morning that it's a math exam. FML

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By ridella - 8/4/2011 10:35

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

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By appropriatepolice - 16/1/2012 08:19 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my 65-year-old mother that it is inappropriate for her to walk around in front of me in her underwear. Her response? "Too bad." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 13:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 21:30 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my mother-in-law yelled from across the house for me to come quickly. She sounded frantic, so I rushed and asked what was wrong. She said, "Nothing." and that she just wanted to remind me that she hates my guts. She'll be living here with me and my wife for the next two months. FML

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By embarassed - 20/3/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, I dragged my son along with me to a work party because I didn't want him home by himself. Halfway through, he stood up and made an announcement about my pregnancy. I had to explain to all my coworkers and my boss that I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat. FML

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By ADT - 9/2/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML

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Top comments

By Tygastyle | 0

#3180 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 3:10

at least you didn't get the boner....right?

By badmotherfucker_fml | 0

#49109 - Sunday 22 March 2009 3:21

watching you do what?

COMMENTS

By Tygastyle | 0

#3180 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 3:10

at least you didn't get the boner....right?

CaptainDoorknob | 7

#4932882 - Friday 14 September 2012 20:38

How can you be so sure?

By NoKo_fml | 0

#12701 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:14

red rocket red rocket come on red rocket red rocket

CaptainDoorknob | 7

#4932875 - Friday 14 September 2012 20:37

This comment is deserving of all the thumbs up on FML combined.

Tavers | 19

#5336675 - Wednesday 23 January 2013 19:18

I don't get it. Sum1 clue me in?

Palirose | 22

#5359892 - Friday 8 February 2013 22:37

An episode of South Park.

By lazygirl_fml | 0

#16404 - Thursday 5 March 2009 18:31

what?! that's crazy

By badmotherfucker_fml | 0

#49109 - Sunday 22 March 2009 3:21

watching you do what?

karmicsamadi86 | 9

#2771450 - Monday 27 June 2011 17:22

That's my question!

HomeAl0ne | 20

#2983855 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 6:15

Exactly!

Dawnxxoo | 11

#3648112 - Sunday 27 November 2011 14:41

guess we will never know ! :

BirdieCurls | 25

#5710316 - Thursday 10 October 2013 0:37

it scares me to think what they were doing o.o

By xMooMoox | 0

#72666 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 18:19

You are society's reject.

OdinA | 6

#4460285 - Sunday 20 May 2012 21:41

Lol

badluckalex | 23

#5973486 - Thursday 12 June 2014 19:26

you two are assholes

By ZH13 | 0

#128116 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 1:21

that's not an FML. that's just awkward. do you usually time your dog's boners?

THATCHICKDANNI | 1

#722668 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 18:24

Hiiia

pinkerton015 | 0

#999015 - Thursday 20 May 2010 16:59

hahahaha I am wondering the same.

By ZH13 | 0

#128120 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 1:23

that's not an FML. that's just awkward. do you usually time your dog's boners?

By 24788 | 6

#148992 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 0:19

This one is really creepy.

By fretforyerlatte | 0

#165879 - Monday 4 May 2009 0:35

f your life, but because you're checking out a dog's hard-on for a half hour. wtf.

Boomi | 38

#6688467 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 5:23

True. Did they have nothing better to do?

By theoffkid | 0

#167265 - Monday 4 May 2009 11:13

Ew.