Animals: Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on,...

By aXel

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

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Animals

Proactive

Catch 22

Kitchen nightmares

By inheritance - Denmark - Lyngby

Delayed

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

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By QWERTY

Today, my roommate thought it would be a good idea to show me his huge new tarantula despite knowing that I have extremely severe arachnophobia. I ended up killing it with a book and apparently now owe him $500. FML

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By say dump him and i'll kill you - United Kingdom - Soham

Today, proving that there's no limit to the stupid shit people will do, my husband called me from hospital, needing a lift home. He tried planking on top of his car while his buddies sped it down a hill, and I now have to take care of him while his broken leg heals. FML

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By davidh5012 - United States

Today, my dad had his "sixteen years overdue" vasectomy. I'm fifteen. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that I'm so bored of my relationship with my girlfriend, I'd rather make sure I don't break the springs in my bed than make love to her. FML

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By nicolette5785452 - United States

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

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By Amanda Howard - 27/4/2020 02:00

Says something about you, probably

Today, my brother, who recently got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery, got a job at Target. I applied to the same Target six times, and was denied every time. FML

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By Pavlov Dog

Today, I "woofed" at a man on a gay dating site before realizing he's my Psych professor. Now during every lecture I'll never forget his nipples are pierced. FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, my 12-year-old son and 13-year-old daughter sprayed themselves with a ton of deodorant and perfume respectively. The two clouds of spray have combined into a noxious gas that slowly traveled through the house, giving everybody an instant, massive headache. Everybody, except my son and daughter. They think they smell great. FML

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By Jess49 - United States

Today, after telling my boyfriend I was willing to try just about anything to revive our sex life, he confessed to having a swirly fetish. FML

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By S. Bauer - Portugal

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML

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By It'd be nice to see you too. - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at my all-night senior party, I was talking to the blind girl who I haven't had classes with since 9th grade. I unthinkingly opened the conversation with "Nice to see you again." FML

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By Kan23 - United States - Altus

Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML

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By me - United States - West Babylon

Today, I found out that the guy who asked me out only did so because he thought I "looked rich." He broke everything off once he found out I live in a one-bedroom apartment and drive a 14-year old Volvo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. She severely struggled with pronouncing my name, and decided that to save time and the effort, she's just going to call me what she thinks my name sounds like: Lube. FML

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By asdfjkl - United States

Today, I had a long, meaningful telephone conversation. After hanging up, I realized I hadn't had such a great conversation in a long time. Who was it with? The Dell Customer Support guy. FML

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By KICKxASSxNINJA - 26/9/2020 08:02 - United States - Fresno

Believe her next time

Today, my mother bolted into my room and let out a huge fart that smelled like rotten meat because she wanted to prove a point, that she had been having intestinal problems for three days. FML

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By claubea11 - Puerto Rico - Ponce

Today, I decided to light a lantern and watch it fly with my girlfriend after midnight. The neighbor's tree caught fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I start work in an office, with my mother. FML

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By notonthepavement - United States - Desoto

Today, as I went to kiss my date goodbye and drive home, he mistakenly rammed his thumb across my eye hard enough to push my contact back into my eye socket. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML

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By ana9 - France

Today, my mother bought me Mickey Mouse shaped burgers for my dinner. I'm 19. FML

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By wouldn'tyouliketoknow

Sneaky moggie

Today, my neighbours were screaming for their "lost" cat again. I've already seen the cat multiple times. In my garden. Pissing. FML

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Live chat

Today, I found the girlfriend of my best friend on a webcam site. I then told him that and his only response was, "Yeah, I know, that's where we met." FML

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By grooveshark - 30/9/2020 20:01

Quiet down!

Today, I could hear my parents having sex from the other end of my house. My mom set the stove on fire because she forgot she was cooking. FML

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By Dead Inside - United States - Elkhart

Today, the family dog was in the garbage and wouldn't stop eating. He is a large dog, and I had to put my arms around him and pull him out of the trash can. Well, he bit me so hard I was bleeding. My whole family is siding with the dog and saying it was my fault for not letting him eat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mansfield

Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML

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By monsterdanceman - United States - Ozark

Today, I tried to tackle my fear of heights by riding a rollercoaster. Once we were near the top, it malfunctioned, causing it to stop, and we all had to get out and climb back down. My girlfriend laughed at me for how scared I was. FML

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By WolfieJL - United States

Today, my two year old puked in the backseat of the car. When we stopped to clean her up, she scooped up the vomit by the handful and threw it at my head. I had an almost two hour drive before I could wash the smell off myself. FML

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47880

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway in the back seat of my friends car. I looked over to the left and was greeted by a van full of adolescent boys waving and making the "call me" hand gesture. I then happened to looked down and realized that my right boob was completely out of my top. FML

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By ashamed - 9/5/2020 02:00

Body issues

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me showering in the dark. When he asked why, I just told him it’s more relaxing for me. Truth is, after losing 120 lbs, I’m so disgusted by the look of my sagging skin that I can’t bear to see myself naked anymore. FML

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2228

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306

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By cyprianista - United States - Houston

Today, I spent an ungodly amount of money to send my long-distance boyfriend a giant bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day. A few hours after making the non-refundable payment, he let me know we weren't going to work out, and that he was already sleeping with someone else. FML

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36056

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By soontobesingle - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

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By Lunab123 - United States - Potomac

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

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33794

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By Allenburg - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on for a while called me and asked me over. I took a cab to his place and when I got there he was dressed in leather and wore a mask... It took me a 20 dollar cab fare to realize my crush is a freak. FML

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By thatguy - United States

Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML

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By peepeepainter - United States - Jasper

Today, I was painting cabinets for the children's area in my church. While painting, I dropped my brush and got black paint on a white part. I tried to wipe it off. Now there's a very visible smudge that looks like a penis. FML

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By Chad - 6/9/2020 13:59 - United States - Norfolk

Medicare for all

Today, I had to have emergency work done on my teeth after I seized in the shower and smashed my face into the tub. Apparently, the dental insurance I'd been paying for but had never used ended its coverage 4 days ago, because my job was no longer working with them. FML

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By Sweet Jesus - 18/6/2020 14:02

NCIS: Dumbass Response Team

Today, when my almost-16-year-old asked if the 9-1-1 phone number was named after 9/11, I forgave her because she wasn't even born when it happened, but when my 18-year-old asked if jelly comes from jellyfish, I wondered if I've failed as a parent. FML

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Top comments

By Tygastyle | 0

#3180 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 3:10

at least you didn't get the boner....right?

By badmotherfucker_fml | 0

#49109 - Sunday 22 March 2009 3:21

watching you do what?

COMMENTS

By Tygastyle | 0

#3180 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 3:10

at least you didn't get the boner....right?

CaptainDoorknob | 7

#4932882 - Friday 14 September 2012 20:38

How can you be so sure?

By NoKo_fml | 0

#12701 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 16:14

red rocket red rocket come on red rocket red rocket

CaptainDoorknob | 7

#4932875 - Friday 14 September 2012 20:37

This comment is deserving of all the thumbs up on FML combined.

Tavers | 19

#5336675 - Wednesday 23 January 2013 19:18

I don't get it. Sum1 clue me in?

Palirose | 22

#5359892 - Friday 8 February 2013 22:37

An episode of South Park.

By lazygirl_fml | 0

#16404 - Thursday 5 March 2009 18:31

what?! that's crazy

By badmotherfucker_fml | 0

#49109 - Sunday 22 March 2009 3:21

watching you do what?

karmicsamadi86 | 9

#2771450 - Monday 27 June 2011 17:22

That's my question!

HomeAl0ne | 20

#2983855 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 6:15

Exactly!

Dawnxxoo | 11

#3648112 - Sunday 27 November 2011 14:41

guess we will never know ! :

BirdieCurls | 25

#5710316 - Thursday 10 October 2013 0:37

it scares me to think what they were doing o.o

By xMooMoox | 0

#72666 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 18:19

You are society's reject.

OdinA | 6

#4460285 - Sunday 20 May 2012 21:41

Lol

badluckalex | 23

#5973486 - Thursday 12 June 2014 19:26

you two are assholes

By ZH13 | 0

#128116 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 1:21

that's not an FML. that's just awkward. do you usually time your dog's boners?

THATCHICKDANNI | 1

#722668 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 18:24

Hiiia

pinkerton015 | 0

#999015 - Thursday 20 May 2010 16:59

hahahaha I am wondering the same.

By ZH13 | 0

#128120 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 1:23

that's not an FML. that's just awkward. do you usually time your dog's boners?

By 24788 | 6

#148992 - Tuesday 28 April 2009 0:19

This one is really creepy.

By fretforyerlatte | 0

#165879 - Monday 4 May 2009 0:35

f your life, but because you're checking out a dog's hard-on for a half hour. wtf.

Boomi | 38

#6688467 - Tuesday 13 September 2016 5:23

True. Did they have nothing better to do?

By theoffkid | 0

#167265 - Monday 4 May 2009 11:13

Ew.