Dramatic Entrance Fail

Today, as I was waiting in line to give my mom her birthday present, my dad gave her the exact same gift I'd also bought for her. FML

Does it taste good?

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Business savvy

By sadSarah - 1/5/2014 09:59 - United States - New York

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Today, I was at my lifeguarding exam. Everything was going well until I went to 'save' someone and slipped and bellyflopped into the pool. I broke my toe, and the person I was supposed to save ended up saving me instead. FML

By mytoehurts - 26/6/2015 13:09 - Canada - Ayr

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Today, I got a letter saying I was no longer a student at my college and my current work is void since I had ignored and refused to pay my tuition bill. Over the past month I've been deleting these pesky emails saying 'FINAL WARNING regarding payment' thinking it was more spam. They weren't. FML

By goddamnit - 14/3/2009 02:57 - United States

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Today, after buying hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas presents, my transmission blew up on the interstate heading home. Now, I either have to return the gifts or not drive over 25. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2016 04:33 - United States - Yuma

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Today, while at a hotel for vacation with my brother and his wife, I was watching their two-month old daughter in the waterpark when a woman came up to me and said, "Aww your kid is so adorable! Don't worry, you'll get your figure back in no time." I'm a fourteen year old girl. FML

By Shannon - 29/11/2009 02:14 - United States

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Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend was kind enough to give me prescription strength deodorant. FML

By random123 - 29/11/2009 05:16 - United States

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Today, my pregnant wife paged my emergency line at work. Thinking she was in serious danger, I raced home and found her hysterically crying. When I asked her what was going on, she replied, "The dogs won't stop barking!" FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 11:25 - United States

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Today, my friend accidentally left her facebook logged onto my computer after she left my house. I looked on her facebook and found a very long message between her and my other friends talking about how much they hate me. FML

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 06:31 - United States

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Today, I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in. FML

By nickyy - 29/11/2009 02:11 - United States

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Today, I foolishly told my husband that I know he's been holding back sexually, and that I was willing to indulge any sexual fantasies he may have. Now it seems that tonight, I'll be responding to the name "Fluttershy". FML

By Anonymous - 25/6/2012 22:08 - Denmark - Copenhagen

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Today, I asked a girl that I've been talking to for a couple of weeks out, but immediately got rejected because I'm left handed. I guess I'll leave that part out next time. FML

By ImaSneakyNinja - 17/11/2016 02:55 - United States - Madison Heights

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Today, I announced to my boyfriend that I'm pregnant. He immediately denied that it was his because "a childhood accident" supposedly left him sterile. He has a child from a previous relationship. FML

By Anonymous - 28/8/2012 23:08 - United States - Merrillville

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Today, I went to my job as an aide for first-grade students. I went home with a swollen face after my student punched me because I was, "making the timer go too fast" and he wanted more iPad time. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 14:00

How to make a sociopath

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Today, after having my husband ask if I 'had any plans' for the weekend, and him mentioning that he got me something special, he played his PS4 for hours, ignored me, then finally took a break to hand me a tiny box of chocolates. I can't even be mad because he looked so proud. FML

By marriedbutlonely - 15/2/2016 02:36 - United States - Federal Way

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Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

By TriedToHelp - 2/6/2019 14:05

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Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. FML

By GonnaBeLonley2night - 13/9/2010 13:24 - United States

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Today, I went to the hairdresser on a spur of the moment decision to get a quick wash and cut. 45 painful minutes and $180 later, I honestly don't know if anything was actually done to my hair. FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2019 02:00

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Today, I was talking to this hot girl I have dinner with every week. Lately she’s always telling me how she loves me and I do the same. Today she said: "The way we talk and act around each other, people would think we were dating." My answer was: "Aren't we?". FML

By Nick - 16/3/2009 05:08 - Canada

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Today, I completed my two-month internship, where I have been working as hard as I could with the hope of being hired. My boss couldn't remember my name, and declined to be a reference. FML

By Anonymous - 3/12/2015 09:47 - United States - Tualatin

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Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML

By ILiveWithMorons - 12/4/2011 03:07 - United States

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Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

By Anonymous - 2/12/2011 06:36 - United States

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Today, I found out that my new boyfriend is a "Men's Rights Activist". FML

By not my bf anymore - 5/11/2015 21:15 - United States

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Today, I was so hungry and broke that I resorted to drinking salad dressing. FML

By Watchingmyfigure - 6/12/2016 17:55 - United States - Gainesville

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Today, while reading an erotic story I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

By frustrated - 13/1/2013 06:39 - United States - Miami

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Today, the area I live in is so rural that the nearest Starbucks is a 1-hour drive away. And in another country. FML

By NoStarbucks4Me - 21/2/2017 02:00 - Germany - M?hldorf

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Today, my boyfriend was on the roof of his house. I climbed the ladder but I am kind of scared of heights so when I got up there I just sat on the edge. The gutter broke and fell down and I fell along with it. My boyfriend said, "I've been trying to tell you to go on a diet". FML

By sydsophnova - 2/7/2009 03:36 - United States

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Today, I was at my grandfather's house and my car was low on gas. He said I could put some of his gas in my car. He accidentally gave me the wrong tank to pump it out of, and I put fuel in my car that he uses for his small plane. It never ran better until the engine exploded. FML

By Boltz719 - 23/8/2009 05:10 - United States

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Today, I'm a graduate but still an unpaid intern. My daily work is folding letters and putting them into envelopes. The sad thing is, I actually enjoy doing it. FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2011 00:36 - Australia

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Today, a little girl walked up to me at Target and asked me what my name was. I smiled and told her my name was Kristen. She looked at the skirt I was wearing and said, "Kristen, can you wear pants tomorrow?" FML

By whattdafuuukkkk - 5/6/2012 11:56 - United States

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Today, I lied to a group of 8 year olds about having a boyfriend. FML

By jennavankirk - 22/7/2010 23:08 - United States

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Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

By figures - 29/11/2009 01:53 - United States

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Today, my grandmother threatened to kill herself with a banana. She then got angry with me when I didn't attempt to get the banana away from her. My mom punished me because I didn't take the situation seriously enough. FML

By DwarfFrog - 18/6/2012 11:38 - United States

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Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmothers items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

By Joey - 4/6/2016 18:52 - United States - Apo

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Today, my mother accused me of stealing pills; she looked all over my room and couldn't find them. When she went back to the pantry, she saw them on the shelf below where they were supposed to be. She then accused me of putting them there while she was searching my room. FML

By MyLifeSucks - 15/4/2013 22:11 - United States - Houston

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Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I beat her. FML

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 22:50 - France

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Today, is my 21st birthday. I get home after my night out and walk into the garage to see a 2002 Red Corvette convertible. I run up to the car thinking its a gift and there's a note: "Dani this is not your birthday present. Quit drooling on my car. -Dad" Thanks Dad. FML

By scarletdurose88 - 19/4/2009 21:47 - United States

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Today, I went out to eat with some friends. They picked a table that wasn't big enough for all of us. I had to sit in the booth behind them. Alone. FML

By yum. - 10/4/2009 21:39 - United States

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Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

By Anonymous - 17/2/2010 07:39 - United States

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Today, I was at my boyfriend's house when I got a call from my parents. They told me to come home immediately. Panicking, I rushed home. My dad pulled out a clear tube filled with dried leaves. They accused me of having marijuana. It was catnip for my kitten. FML

By potheadloljk - 2/12/2012 02:01 - United States - East Machias

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Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML

By Anonymous - 15/2/2011 19:28 - United States

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