Dramatic Entrance Fail

Today, my mom was feeling down, so I decided to buy her a gift. Knowing she likes lighthouses, I bought her a tiny one that plugs in and lights up. I brought it home, plugged it in, and when she saw me with it, she said, "Wipe that smirk off your face and get that junk out of here." FML

It wasn't me

Free healthcare for all

Mixed signals

By NoorFML - United States - Baton Rouge

27141

2020

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

By everyonesdivorced - Iraq

47484

3161

Today, I scratched a lottery ticket I had gotten for my birthday and won $10,000. In celebration, I jumped up and raised my hands directly into a ceiling fan. Oh, and it was a fake ticket. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

35273

6055

Today, I explained to my man child of a boyfriend that we don't reuse dirty dishes. We have to wash them. He doesn't think it's gross and yelled at me, throwing the pan in the sink. Oh, he also refuses to wash dishes. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 14:00

This Charming Man

877

303

Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

By Weezylover - United Kingdom

70583

7951

Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML

By strikeout - United States

44639

8174

Today, I put aside my weekend plans to help my aunt with the extermination guy spraying her new house down to prevent cockroaches. After he left, my aunt asked me to go in and turn off the lights because the fumes were very deadly. If I chose not to, she would tell my mom I did nothing all day. FML

By Rakib - Canada - Mississauga

25750

2044

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I'm laughing at how you think this is a date." FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Melbourne

Misleading

55941

6483

Today, I found out that mishearing my boss and laughing at what I thought he said can make him think I'm high and nearly force me to submit to a drug test. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Rowlett

19047

2770

Today, I took a stick lighter and used it to set a large spider on fire to kill it, as stepping on it could possibly release its babies if it were a momma. I ignited more than the spider, and had to call the fire department. FML

By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 01:01 - United States - Atoka

Leave spiders alone

166

1719

Today, I decided I would eat healthy in order to lose weight. Feeling powerful, I threw away all of the icecream in my freezer. An hour later, I picked the icecream carton out of the garbage and ate the entire half-melted carton. FML

By Anonymous - United States

23388

119004

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was too tired for sex, which she interpreted as me confessing to not wanting to have sex with her because I’m having sex with other women. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oldbury

2235

262

Today, my girlfriend of one year broke up with me because I started having PTSD induced night terrors. On my birthday as well. FML

By Michael - 13/2/2021 09:30 - Australia - Southport

Another birthday ruined

934

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

By Holly - United States

12755

35185

Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML

By NeverCampingAgain - United States

74520

7780

Today, I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. I was the first one to walk down the aisle, where I managed to trip over a wire, shutting off the music and falling on my face. My family cheered and took pictures. FML

By Anonymous - United States

28472

3511

Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML

By Mommy - United States

12426

28126

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

By jesushelpme - United States - Nixa

32041

5562

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

By Jill - United States

49467

4345

Today, we paid to park in a lot in the city. Hours later, we returned to find our car booted. Apparently the guy that took our money didn't work there. We're stuck three states away from home. FML

By rosemary

3192

389

Today, I left something in my boss's office. The door was closed which usually means she isn't in there, so I asked her coworker/friend for the key. When I opened the door, she screamed at me to get out of there. Turns out, she has just stopped breast feeding her son and was pumping her breasts. FML

By superclutz - United States

Oh, hello…

37367

21088

Today, at a supermarket entrance, a seemingly drunk old lady said, "Sir?" as I passed by. I just ignored her and walked in. When I walked out with my groceries fifteen minutes later, several people were standing around her, calling for an ambulance. She'd passed out on the ground. FML

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Utrecht

10371

58710

Today, I received several pairs of panties in the mail that I'd ordered online. When I opened the box, I was shocked because every pair was basically huge granny-panties. I was sure none would fit properly, but I tried them on to be sure. They fit perfectly. FML

By fatass - United States - Kearney

31435

7847

Today, I decided to treat my yeast infection over the counter to avoid going to the doctor. Too bad I didn't read the directions. Now I have to go to the doctor to get the tip of the applicator removed. FML

By Anonymous - United States

7726

38842

Today, while taking out the trash late at night with my mom, a group of people drove by and decided it would be funny to turn around and chase us up the driveway in their car. Before I even realized what was happening, my mom was already halfway to the house yelling back, "You're on your own!" FML

By ThanksMom - United States - State College

13470

1296

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

By ouch - United States - Lutz

10601

119930

Today, my best friend is completely head-over-heels for his girlfriend, has been buying her very expensive stuff and gave her the ring of compromise after 4 years of relationship. The problem is, I just found out that the girlfriend has been sexting with someone else, and is sure to dump my friend for that guy. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2021 04:01

Conundrum

797

Today, I was on a movie date with my boyfriend, when he asked for a handjob. I thought I was doing well until he sighed, took my hand off, and said he could finish on his own. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Iowa City

58529

18566

Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML

By Sick Guy - United States - Boynton Beach

buys case of Listerine

4852

328

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

By holla1787 - United States

36444

2801

Today, I was getting lunch at a fast food restaurant. My boss was in front of me, and in order to get on his good side I offered to pay. Instead, I got fired because I guess my boss assumed I was making fun of his salary, which I knew nothing about. FML

By FOXYgrandpa441 - United States - Casper

27209

3118

Today, while working, I saw a man napping under a tree. He was still there 3 hours later. Turns out he was dead. FML

By Anonymous

Some people are just lazy

4665

305

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

By sonofanut - United States

33090

2401

Today, a week after I lost my wallet, replaced the majority of my ID cards, canceled my debit card, and went to the DMV and paid for a replacement driver's license, I found my wallet. It was in my shoe. FML

By eddiemusicjazz - United States - Azusa

9961

26704

Today, I overheard my manager tell a customer that it's perfectly safe for dogs to eat grapes if they're seedless. I work in a pet store. FML

By Dogmom

3142

186

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

By Anonymous - United States

25482

2443

Today, my dad handed me my refilled birth control prescription. I thanked him, and he replied, "Well, God forbid you run out and reproduce." FML

By MirandaKristine - United States - Miami

Go forth and NOT multiply

1263

297

Today, in break from tradition, I proposed to my boyfriend. We were at a Japanese Pagoda. Water was trickling everywhere; the moment was perfect. While I was on my knee, after pouring my heart out, he looked wistfully out over the water and said, "So, I was thinking pizza tonight." FML

By but I tried anal and everything - United States - Des Moines

33695

6672

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friend-zone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

By getafucktoysomewhereelsedude - Canada - Toronto

40056

17197

Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML

By Anonymous

7786

432