By Girlygal32 - 13/9/2020 08:02 - United States

Contagion

Today, my mother chewed me out for not wearing deodorant and smelling of B.O. I was wearing plenty of deodorant. My shirt just smelled like my boyfriend, whom I'd been cuddling with earlier. FML

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British Broadcasting Corporation

Weird kid

Sewer monster

By tjcl - 28/11/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were gazing into each others' eyes in the moonlight after not having seen each other for a week. I thought he was going to say "I love you" and pull me in for a kiss. Instead, he said, "Since you can’t drive, we should get one of those two seater bicycles." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 14:00

Big up retail workers

Today, an old guy got nose to nose with me, threatened me, and spit in my face, just because I politely reminded him he needed to be wearing a mask. He had been coughing on multiple food items in my store. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2019 16:00 - United Kingdom - Thornbury

Today, the only "Happy birthday!" I got was from the cake I bought for myself. FML

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By avoid the sour cream - 30/12/2013 06:14 - United States

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

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By Lexi801 - 19/9/2014 01:56 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I had a volleyball game, and we were down by 13 points. I looked up at the crowd, and my mom was shaking her head in disappointment. When it was my turn to serve, I aced them, and tied the score. When I looked up she was gone. She'd left. When I got home, I heard how I sucked for an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin came to visit from America. While out shopping, she said loudly that she was having trouble finding clothes to fit around her huge fanny, causing a lot of people to stare in our direction. I had to explain to her that "fanny" in the UK means "vagina." FML

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By Ari - 16/6/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and punched me in the face. He turned out to be the guy my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with. Apparently, she told him we broke up because I used to beat her. FML

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By creimers - 1/7/2020 23:01

Tis the season

Today, my mom forbade me from taking any allergy medicine, because she is afraid that I'll turn into a meth addict. I have horrible allergies and can barely see or stop sneezing without them. FML

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By notsohappyniece - 2/11/2009 16:10 - United States

Today, my aunt came into the world. My 67 year-old grandfather married a 24 year-old woman who just gave birth to my new aunt, who is 18 years younger than me. FML

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By thanksjill - 10/3/2009 22:51 - United States

Today, our school went to an elementary school to read to the kids. One of the girls in my group asked me if she could switch into another group, so I asked her what was wrong with mine. She said, "Nothing, I wanna be in her group. She's prettier." I was insulted by a kindergartner. FML

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By perfectlybrokenx - 24/8/2010 04:21 - Canada

Today, while I was on a date, I noticed my ex-boyfriend in the restaurant, and he looked sad. So I walked over to see him and jokingly said, "You look like your mom died or something!" She had. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2018 12:00

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 18:19 - United States

Today, my parents insisted that despite the fact I've just turned sixteen, I have to save them money by ordering from the children's menu, because I "still look like a twelve year old". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 22:56 - United States

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it is. He just paused, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

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By anonymous - 21/8/2012 23:17 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

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By CB4 - 5/2/2009 22:34 - United States

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 04:26 - United States

Today, I tried shaving my bikini area for the first time. I ended up cutting myself several times. I now have impressive razor burn, and it's incredibly painful to even wear pants. FML

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By NeverGonnaHappen - 19/5/2019 12:30

Dumbest Ultimatum Ever

Today, my boyfriend told me I had to get rid of my cats, or he would leave. He punched a hole in my wall when I told him I chose the cats. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 00:28

Today, after the last few months of my sister living with me while she finds her feet, I asked if she could help me out by doing the washing up. Half an hour later, I walked into knee high dish soap foam in the kitchen. My sister was right in the middle, trying to sculpt dicks. She's 20. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 22:43 - United States - Lahaina

Today, I learned that despite having told them two years ago, my parents still aren't accepting of me being gay. I found this out when my mom called and asked if I was "cured" yet. FML

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By BoBandy - 15/8/2018 14:30

Today, I finally went to the hospital for a week-long migraine. A few Saturdays ago I went to the park to play frisbee with my friends and coworkers. While climbing a fence, I fell and hit my head twice. Turns out I have a severe concussion and a swollen brain. FML

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By iVaughtTV - 28/2/2012 22:44 - United States

Today, I learned that lemonade and urine look very similar to one another. I also learned that they taste very different. FML

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By whitedevil - 9/10/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I was stuck in traffic on the highway and decided it was the perfect time to pick a humongous booger out of my nose. While carefully examing and admiring it, I failed to notice that the owner of my company was staring at me from the left lane in complete and utter revulsion. FML

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By roadkill0321 - 7/11/2011 07:20 - United States

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

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By offtothejobcentre - 31/12/2013 22:42 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss put me on suspension, a week after granting a subordinate time off to recover from surgery. When I signed the paperwork, I was too embarrassed to admit I didn't understand her writing, which apparently said she was getting treated for "dangerously low levels of dick". FML

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By SeaBind - 16/11/2014 00:41 - United States - Saginaw

Today, a friend wanted to show me a game he bragged he was the best at. I beat his score on the first try, and now I have a black eye to prove it. FML

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By anonymous - 21/3/2011 19:01 - United States

Today, I tried to clock in at work, only to have the clock tell me I "wasn't scheduled", so I asked my boss what was going on. Turns out I was fired, and this was her way of avoiding conflict. FML

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By wabbyfish - 14/3/2014 03:36 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend asked me if we were going to become "that stupid couple that sings cheesy songs to each other." I just spent the past 3 months writing the perfect song that I was planning on singing to him tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2011 00:36 - United States

Today, one of my neighbors dressed up in the exact same costume as me. Every house I go to refuses to give me candy because my neighbor has already been there. FML

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By Sad ex-wife - 21/9/2012 15:11 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, while at work, I helped my ex-husband pick out a ring for the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By cameltoeyourface - 26/7/2010 00:42 - United States

Today, I was wearing my yoga pants for my boyfriend. He's infatuated with them. He claims they make my ass look nice. I found out it's because I constantly get a camel toe, and it gives him a semi every time he sees it. I found this out by listening to him and his father at dinner. FML

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By newscorp employee - 12/1/2009 16:03 - United States

Today, my coworker told me that the framed picture our boss put on her desk last week was not, as I originally thought, a picture of her father, but a picture of Rupert Murdoch. FML

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By vixenscars - 19/1/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I slipped on a banana peel in a store parking lot as I was getting out of my car. I landed on my ass. The cops that were parking behind me later informed me that I would be able to see the video on youtube. FML

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By FD4 - 15/9/2018 14:30

Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML

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By Funless - 18/8/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML

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By passedoutpolly - 1/8/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I went to a huge rock concert. While waiting in a half a mile long line to get in, I passed out due to the heat. I regained consciousness to hear about a hundred people yelling and trying to help me. My boyfriend, who I went with, was not one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 11:45 - United States

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

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By monogamous - 28/10/2010 09:26 - Australia

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

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By indierocklove - 3/8/2011 16:55 - United States

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

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By Herdad - 30/7/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7937910 - Sunday 13 September 2020 8:55

So, she should have chewed you out for cuddling with a smelly boy who doesn't wear deodorant.

By xxlk4xx | 1

#7937968 - Sunday 13 September 2020 16:02

tell boyfriend to wear deodorant! my ex absolutely NEEDED deodorant, even if he showered he would stink

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7937910 - Sunday 13 September 2020 8:55

So, she should have chewed you out for cuddling with a smelly boy who doesn't wear deodorant.

By Amy78_fml | 10

#7937953 - Sunday 13 September 2020 14:09

Eww! Is your nose broken?

By xxlk4xx | 1

#7937968 - Sunday 13 September 2020 16:02

tell boyfriend to wear deodorant! my ex absolutely NEEDED deodorant, even if he showered he would stink

Reply

FerociousCookie | 6

#7937990 - Sunday 13 September 2020 17:51

If he still stunk after a shower he wasn't showering properly.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7938072 - Sunday 13 September 2020 23:19

YDI for cuddling with someone who smelled that bad. Have you gone nose blind? Time to break out the Febreze!