By Anonymous

What's your emergency?

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1708

You deserved it

272

Favorite

Dementia or hate? You decide

Mother of the year

This Charming Man

By a-scared - United States

Today, I went to the Grand Canyon with my family. Also today, I found out that I have a crippling fear of heights. My family left me on a ledge hyperventilating and having a mental breakdown, while they hiked for another 2 hours. They won't stop telling me how pretty it was and what I missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41503

You deserved it

8613

Favorite

By Idontdance - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. All of the sudden, my friend goes, "Ok girls, get a guy to dance with." Then everyone scrambled to find someone. There was just enough guy-girl pairs. This hot girl and I were the only two left. She looked at me and said, "Umm, I have to use the bathroom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48023

You deserved it

4438

Favorite

By hinting - United States - Dearborn

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76361

You deserved it

4568

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:03

No smoking

Today, my boyfriend told me he started smoking again and had smoked almost a whole pack in 3 hours. We were on the phone and I was on the bus. He knew that was the perfect time time to tell me, because he knew I wouldn't yell in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1067

You deserved it

238

Favorite

By peevedemployee - United States

Today, we got our Christmas bonuses. Instead of money, the company decided to give us all lunch boxes with the company name on them. I went ahead and put my lunch in mine, then put it in the break-room refrigerator. Apparently so did all the other employees. Now I can't find mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41038

You deserved it

9252

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28398

You deserved it

3137

Favorite

By #MurrayShow

Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9554

You deserved it

493

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7102

You deserved it

51904

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Honolulu

Today, I reconnected with my best friend from childhood, and after a tearful confession, found out that for most of my engagement to my husband, she was repeatedly connecting with his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46660

You deserved it

3123

Favorite

By literature - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Poor old George Orwell…

Today, we are reading Animal Farm in class. Almost the entire class think it's about animal abuse. Including the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42297

You deserved it

3053

Favorite

By Arthur - United States

Today, my neighbor scolded me for "allowing" her son to be bitten by one of my dogs. This would be reasonable, except for the fact that her kid had jumped my fence and tried to steal a rattle out of my daughter's hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48197

You deserved it

3199

Favorite

By Morgan Bailey

Today, I tried to let out a small fart in a crowded restaurant. I had diarrhea. I walked past several families to get to the bathroom and clean myself up, only to still go home with a huge wet spot down my ass. My shirt wasn't long enough to hide it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2655

You deserved it

837

Favorite

By ouch - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35259

You deserved it

4069

Favorite

By JadeDemolition - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had my driver's permit in an envelope to keep it safe and a letter to mail out. I drove away from the post office with the letter in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19621

You deserved it

8734

Favorite

By ouagadougou - United States

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23037

You deserved it

31720

Favorite

By Anonymous - Philippines

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21271

You deserved it

6575

Favorite

By TrappedInSchool - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I found out that my parents lied to me about my GPA so they could go back on our agreement of "3.0 or above or summer school" and had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway. I've been in summer school doing catch-up for kicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3611

You deserved it

478

Favorite

By thanks, dad... - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

43036

You deserved it

14418

Favorite

By power corrupts... - Czech Republic

Today, at my job as a movie theater attendant, my boss finally eased up and let me sit in on one of the movies. One woman kept laughing out loud every other line. After ten minutes of her braying like a dying horse, I got up and had her ejected from the theater. I'm a terrible person. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33976

You deserved it

12016

Favorite

By oooops - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13708

You deserved it

36200

Favorite

By "Mom2grls808" - United States

Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month old on the floor (carpeted) in the livingroom. when I woke up my daughter bombed her diaper her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen....FML

I agree, your life sucks

2110

You deserved it

478

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47186

You deserved it

5045

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21496

You deserved it

49868

Favorite

By Damn_her - Canada

Today, my wife and I were driving to the gas station, she let me out before she pulled up to the pumps because I had to buy some things from the store. I returned to see my wife proudly filling the tank. Smiling, she told me that diesel was cheaper than regular gas. We don't own a diesel car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79187

You deserved it

8756

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me 'yummy pictures.' I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12897

You deserved it

106014

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had a terrible stomach bug. I quickly jumped off the toilet and crouched over the bowl. I vomited with such force that I splashed the shitty water back into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48665

You deserved it

6714

Favorite

By DemiRawrs - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64528

You deserved it

4681

Favorite

By Bandgeek

Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4901

You deserved it

754

Favorite

By peevedMcGee

Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2853

You deserved it

205

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 17:02

Face reality

Today, I realized I'm so lonely I would rather pretend I don't know I'm being cheated on than leave. We've been together a year and he's my virtual boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

419

You deserved it

808

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44949

You deserved it

5079

Favorite

By BigFoot - United States

Today, I was trying on some shoes when I felt the heels break underneath me. Not only did they cost two paychecks worth, but as I was leaving I heard the sales girl say that "we really should have a weight limit for who can try on our products." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45947

You deserved it

20299

Favorite

By What? - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31524

You deserved it

4078

Favorite

By Anonymous

Overreaction much?

Today, my boyfriend's mum yelled at me for, "nagging Stephen to get married when he isn't ready." I mentioned marriage once. At my sister's wedding. When prompted by my grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1491

You deserved it

309

Favorite

By RP Havens - United States - Galloway

Today, my grandmother called me to tell me that there will be a nice, single guy for me to meet at the family reunion. She went on and on about how perfect he was for me. I didn't have the heart to tell her I'm a lesbian, and have been out to the rest of the family for over six years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33974

You deserved it

12200

Favorite

By upupandaway - United States

Today, I spent two hours perfecting a really romantic text message to my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. I listed all the things I loved about him, and recalled some of our best times together. Two minutes after I sent it, he replied, "Huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28379

You deserved it

9942

Favorite

By Paulshaun1 - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, my mother told me she thinks it is time for me to move into my own place. I agreed with her and went to look at studios/ flats online. She later came into my room, saw me looking at places and then got pissed off at me, saying that I hate her for wanting to leave her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11164

You deserved it

684

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/6/2020 05:05

Baked

Today, I was supposed to have my first job interview for a bakery franchise. Turns out all the applications are submitted to every store, and I was called to the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1315

You deserved it

100

Favorite

By Marou - France

Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa, I want to fall in love." He replied: "Wait for next Christmas..." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25271

You deserved it

11028

Favorite

By Can2 - United States - Houston

Today, I called my auto insurance company to try to get some discounts and lower my rate. I ended up adding $30 to my monthly payment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41429

You deserved it

14301

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7895537 - Monday 6 April 2020 23:06

The only way?

Your kid is pretty dumb. Another good way for him to reach you is for him to hold up a liquor store. Duh.

By daisythebunny1988 | 9

#7895570 - Tuesday 7 April 2020 5:14

at least you know that he knows how to call 911 in an emergency

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7895537 - Monday 6 April 2020 23:06

The only way?

Your kid is pretty dumb. Another good way for him to reach you is for him to hold up a liquor store. Duh.

By daisythebunny1988 | 9

#7895570 - Tuesday 7 April 2020 5:14

at least you know that he knows how to call 911 in an emergency

By friendly_pixeh | 7

#7895571 - Tuesday 7 April 2020 5:17

Chief Wiggum?

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7895622 - Tuesday 7 April 2020 9:15

You mean it isn't?