By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 23:00

What's your emergency?

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1699

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272

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Dementia or hate? You decide

BO Central

Get the message, dude

By savvylady - United States

Today, I was invited out to a date by my ex-boyfriend. He seemed really excited to reconnect and kept holding my hand and complimenting how I looked. Out of nowhere a girl runs up to him screaming. It was his current girlfriend, he was using me to make her jealous. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53323

You deserved it

6679

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By Imdead

Today, we're taking the plane home from Dublin after a school trip that I only barely got onto after troubles with my passport. Luckily for me, a kind person has decided to save me from the passport this evening - together with the rest of my wallet. I'm stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2568

You deserved it

213

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By sos - United States

Today, I found out that I can't pass a field sobriety test while sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27179

You deserved it

4703

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By religiunatic - Canada - Keswick

Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off". She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language". FML

I agree, your life sucks

44641

You deserved it

3106

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By that girl has a beard - Canada

Today, I went to the movies. A really cute girl sat beside me. I tried to strike up a conversation with her until she turned to look at me and I realized he was a guy. I couldn't even finish the movie because I felt his judging eyes burn holes into me the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22659

You deserved it

6682

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad got a new phone and put me on speed dial. I have received several voice mails from him accidentally dialed. They are from him riding the train, in a meeting, having lunch, and, most recently, him taking a monstrous dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32252

You deserved it

3309

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By crizzy - United States

Today, I dislocated my arm while trying to escape from underneath a flipped over kayak. Who saved me? My two brothers-in-law. Who didn't? My husband, because his "feet were hurting." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40585

You deserved it

4221

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By Anonymous - Canada - Cornwall

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question: "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29270

You deserved it

2294

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By newlyneurotic - United States - Spokane

Today, I finally got the hearing aids that I've needed for years. My dog quickly learned that if he quietly sneaks up behind me and barks, it'll scare the hell out of me. It's now his favorite game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3995

You deserved it

326

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

I agree, your life sucks

22856

You deserved it

45759

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By FdUp_at32 - 20/10/2020 08:02 - United States - Southfield

Shoulda checked, dude

Today, a tattoo artist angrily threw me out of his store because an "88" tattoo is apparently a Nazi thing, representing “Heil Hitler.” I just wanted my birth year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

855

You deserved it

441

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By missy - Italy

Today, I was riding on a stationary exercise bike at home, when I went to get off, my shorts got stuck under the seat. I dangled half upside down until my shorts ripped and I fell on the ground face first breaking my front tooth. I broke my tooth riding a bike that doesn’t even move. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61524

You deserved it

9558

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By introuble - United States

Today, as I was getting into work, I saw a co-worker of mine walking in front of me. We're really good friends and we joke around a lot, so I jokingly whistled at him and slapped his butt. Turns out it wasn't my friend, it was the new guy. Hello, sexual harassment charges. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31125

You deserved it

16965

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By JohnB - United States

Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26729

You deserved it

4190

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By Anonymous - Venezuela - Barquisimeto

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31038

You deserved it

5109

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55446

You deserved it

6606

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25922

You deserved it

6003

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By rockefoe - United States

What have you done this time?

Today, I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says, "I love you" are after he screws up or when he wants a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31511

You deserved it

6696

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By wow - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60863

You deserved it

5414

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By LA - United States

Today, at physical therapy, the girl next to me had a blue armband. I said, "Hey, sweet iPod". She said, "Actually, I have diabetes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13326

You deserved it

41523

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By one cock too many - 4/8/2020 05:02

Who's been a naughty girl?

Today, I found out I’m the guy whose wife made adult films in college. Although embarrassed, I thought I may be able to get past it. Except for the fact that we dated in college, and she insisted we wait until after we were married to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2359

You deserved it

325

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By davifilo - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went bowling. I noticed a 10-year-old holding an iPod Touch which had the exact same customized case with my name on it as my iPod that was stolen a year ago at the same bowling centre. Even better, the parents yelled at me for accusing him. I got kicked out the bowling centre. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31901

You deserved it

2603

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By Random - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is marrying my ex, and that my mother set them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46698

You deserved it

3286

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By foojew93 - United States

Today, I was walking at a section of the zoo where you are in the cage, and the monkeys are climbing outside of the cage. I was having a great time until I looked up and one of the monkeys urinated all over my face. Not only did everyone see, but there was no way for me to shower for six hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48181

You deserved it

3796

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By scaredtosleep - United Kingdom

Today, the weird receptionist at the hotel I'm staying at asked me if I needed an extra blanket because I "looked cold in my sleep last night". FML

I agree, your life sucks

67717

You deserved it

2897

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in the middle of a wank when my home's back door, which is always locked, suddenly opened and someone walked in. I’m not sure who was more surprised: me or the new maintenance guy who saw me wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3233

You deserved it

610

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By noname - United States

Today, I dropped my 400 dollar iphone, that's been through toilets and 6 foot falls, on a walmart floor and shattered the screen. I managed, however, to catch the 2 dollar macaroni and cheese before it hit the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21603

You deserved it

32723

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By yamuda - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my dad peeing into a cup. We made eye contact and he quickly threw the cup into the sink. Not one word has been spoken about what happened, and I saw my mom use the same cup later on that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12996

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1997

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50771

You deserved it

10675

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Today, someone sent a dick pic to my 16-year-old, lesbian daughter. She handed me her phone and asked, "What is that, a naked mole rat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

7568

You deserved it

906

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend still couldn't work out where my clitoris is. It's RIGHT THERE, you idiot. I've pointed it out, but each time it's like he needs a compass and a map or something. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40523

You deserved it

12939

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By none - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

I agree, your life sucks

59165

You deserved it

8773

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By JMcKay - Australia

Today, I found out that if a jock calls you a nerd in the street and you retaliate with a witty comeback, be prepared to run. Fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30008

You deserved it

6116

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By coolcucumber - United States

Today, my dad squirted water at me. Fortunately, I blocked it. Unfortunately, I blocked it with my new $200 camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20049

You deserved it

24343

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend borrowed my Jane Norman dress to wear to a Halloween party. He got hammered, threw up all over it, and fell unconscious on the shower floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23709

You deserved it

7674

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I'm balding faster than my dad. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57660

You deserved it

3170

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By Sara - 22/9/2020 07:54 - Canada

Don't feed the animals

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

901

You deserved it

156

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41604

You deserved it

3738

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By Liz - United States

Today, my boss became very angry over her own mistake on a spreadsheet. She lashed out by throwing a can of SpaghettiOs at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32808

You deserved it

2613

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By nowimbroketoo - Australia - Beaumaris

Today, the guy whose son I babysat for six hours straight confessed to being broke, then actually asked if he could pay me with sex instead. FML

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57130

You deserved it

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7895537 - Monday 6 April 2020 23:06

The only way?

Your kid is pretty dumb. Another good way for him to reach you is for him to hold up a liquor store. Duh.

By daisythebunny1988 | 9

#7895570 - Tuesday 7 April 2020 5:14

at least you know that he knows how to call 911 in an emergency

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7895537 - Monday 6 April 2020 23:06

The only way?

Your kid is pretty dumb. Another good way for him to reach you is for him to hold up a liquor store. Duh.

By daisythebunny1988 | 9

#7895570 - Tuesday 7 April 2020 5:14

at least you know that he knows how to call 911 in an emergency

By friendly_pixeh | 7

#7895571 - Tuesday 7 April 2020 5:17

Chief Wiggum?

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7895622 - Tuesday 7 April 2020 9:15

You mean it isn't?