By Anonymous - Spain - Barcelona

Bitten

Today, I had to explain to a lady that the reason I mindlessly touched my crotch was to itch a mosquito bite. She didn't believe me, and called me a pervert. FML

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This is fine

Child's play

How could you forget?

By Anonymous - Canada - Sackville

Today, my biology professor was giving a lecture to everyone and used me as an example. For what? Traits men are repulsed by in potential mates. FML

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By James C - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I was on a first date. She asked what I do, so I replied "I create adverts." She then yelled, "F**k you" and left. FML

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By ohdang - United States

Today, my therapist clapped for me when I told her I'd made a friend. FML

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By terrible kenny - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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By screewit - United States

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

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By notnerb - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee. He walked up, looked me over and said "Ummm, no", then walked off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML

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By ThatWasntFun - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went to have a pre-cancerous mole removed off of my nose. When the doctor numbed my nose, she didn't check to see if the anesthetic actually worked, and began hacking away at my nose, leaving me to feel every last flick of the razor. Turns out I have an immunity to that anesthetic. FML

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By UGGGH that was my 2nd attempt too - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I took my driver's test. The woman administering it wouldn't even look at me, so trying to be friendly I said the first thing I could think of: "It must be scary getting in the car with someone you don't know!" She failed me for "excessive chatting." FML

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By soisblueballsdickhead - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML

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By pissed off - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML

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By blehh - United States

Today, I had horrible pains in my stomach area so I went to the doctors. They couldn't find anything wrong and sent me to the Emergency Room for X-rays. After spending the entire day in the hospital, they tell me I'm slightly constipated. I had to pay $400 to find out I had to take a shit. FML

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By

Today, it's been a week and a half since our hot water stopped working. Our landlord said he'll get on to it "in 3 days", after having said this already a few days before. I have to wash myself with a bucket and boiled water. FML

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By Miramichi - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

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By scooterbyrd - 31/8/2020 02:01

Don't follow by example

Today, I found out the psychiatrist who treats me for bipolar disorder died. He committed suicide. FML

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By nehadrihan - United States - Oceanside

Today, my mom decided to follow me during my driving test. She rear ended me. FML

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By SayCheese - Canada - Prince George

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

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By crappygirlfriend - United States

Today, I was trying to show my boyfriend how to shake my iPod to shuffle songs. When I went to shake it, it flew out of my hand and hit him in the face. FML

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By help me - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have watched the Elmo's World episode featuring balls ten times in a row. The toddler I'm watching screams if I put on something different. His mom just said she was stuck in traffic. She should be back in about five and a half more replays. FML

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By ChangMu - United States - Des Moines

Today, I had to go buy diaper rash cream. For myself. FML

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By sorrynotsorry - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

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By Casey - United States

Today, I realized it is now considered normal and routine that my boyfriend wets the bed after a night of drinking. FML

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By militiousroflcopter - United States

Today, I had to catch a shuttle bus. I awoke to the sound of a car horn. I ran out in my boxers and saw a bus take off down the road. I chased it, thinking I had missed my bus. I realized I hadn't only when I saw frightened kids in the back of the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to do something that many young technologically-savvy people fear. I had to get on my dad's Facebook for him to delete a rather scandalous photo of his genitals he accidentally uploaded. FML

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By that1guy - United States

Today, My girlfriend who I've been dating for over a year was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. Thats when I saw she packed 10 condoms with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my landlady decided to fix the leak in my room. Her solution was repainting the ceiling. Now not only is my room still wet but it now reeks of paint thinner. FML

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By lk07

Today, when I bent down to get something off a low shelf at the grocery store, I felt my shorts split wide open at the butt. All my husband did was make jokes about "that's not how you do the splits." FML

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By frenchie12

Get back here!

Today, I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left I could not find it. I saw my roommate cat's with it, so I chased him and he escaped. My roommate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and does not believe me. I might have to move out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, the last thing I remember before getting the shit beaten out of me at the bar, was my dipshit brother saying to me, "Dude, I'm not a racist, but" and then ranting about how non-whites should get out of America. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having a screaming argument with my son in our front yard, I suddenly realized we are "that white trash family" in the neighborhood. FML

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By IHateProtesters - United States - Hartford

Today, a group of protesters set up just outside my residence hall at one in the morning. After an hour of chanting, the police finally told them to stop, and I was finally able to get some sleep. The protesters responded by pulling the fire alarm in every residence hall on campus. FML

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By awilson - United States

Today, I was eating MandMs on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering, "Where is that little bastard?" FML

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By guiltyschuldig49 - 28/5/2020 14:00

Noise annoys

Today, and for months, my upstairs neighbor has been stomping on their floors, hard enough to shake our walls. We thought it was their child, but found out it’s the mother. She took up running, and due to the pandemic, she does it in the living room. She's already been told to stop. Repeatedly. I work 12-hour nights. FML

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By UH-OH - United States

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk/rock guy on a plane. I decided to try to impress by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked The Who and opened a large window with the album cover, so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was face to with a giant image of Miley Cyrus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML

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By dinapar - Canada

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend watching a movie, my boyfriend then leans in and says: "You know, you're my favourite girlfriend." I then jokingly responded by saying: "You say that like I'm not the only girlfriend you have right now." I hate being right. FML

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By Dog fart - United States

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my doctor called with my test results, which seem to tell him that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'm still sitting here with an appendage that I'd swear was dispensing napalm, but now I have a $500 bill to go with it. FML

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By Sick - Netherlands - Ede

Nice bird

Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML

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By SnapeIsGood - Germany - Kornwestheim

Today, I hit the gym. With my car. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7838987 - Monday 2 September 2019 0:52

So, you let a mosquito suck your dick? You are a pervert!

Mosquito life spans are way less than 18 years, so you're a pedo, too!

By GoogieWithers | 21

#7839000 - Monday 2 September 2019 2:15

Why was she looking at your crotch? She's the pervert!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7838987 - Monday 2 September 2019 0:52

So, you let a mosquito suck your dick? You are a pervert!

Mosquito life spans are way less than 18 years, so you're a pedo, too!

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7838989 - Monday 2 September 2019 1:30

18 is legal... come on, you're better than this

By mas12806 | 22

#7838990 - Monday 2 September 2019 1:33

You don’t owe her an explanation

By jahrule | 3

#7838991 - Monday 2 September 2019 1:34

lol wtf🤣🤣🤣

By GoogieWithers | 21

#7839000 - Monday 2 September 2019 2:15

Why was she looking at your crotch? She's the pervert!

By Sinshine | 27

#7839011 - Monday 2 September 2019 2:57

You don't have to explain anything to a random stranger. Should have told her to mind her own business instead of worrying about your crotch.

By Wadlaen | 19

#7839030 - Monday 2 September 2019 6:27

Could you not just have shown her..?

By Richard Luna | 1

#7839257 - Tuesday 3 September 2019 3:44

Mosquitoe bite in the crotch? Nay you a pervert

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7841699 - Monday 9 September 2019 2:38

That's one of my pet peeves - guys scratching their nuts in public. It's a terrible habit and makes you look trashy. Please don't do it.

By YallDeservedItJk | 22

#7841972 - Monday 9 September 2019 16:45

Did she ask you for an explanation or did you decide to just start talking about your crotch to her??? If you did that’s creepy af and YDI