By Anonymous - 2/9/2019 00:01 - Spain - Barcelona

Bitten

Today, I had to explain to a lady that the reason I mindlessly touched my crotch was to itch a mosquito bite. She didn't believe me, and called me a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1283

You deserved it

472

Tweet

Share

Social distancing gone wrong

Alternative medicine is bull

Recycling helps

By Peta2nNoMore - 4/7/2009 10:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home and found a few of my faux fur coats completely butchered. On my way to interrogate my boys, the only ones home, I found our husky dog, who was recently shaved for an operation, covered in the fur that once belonged to my coat. My boys said 'he was cold'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42467

You deserved it

10359

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/5/2012 19:23 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was eating lunch, and accidentally got ketchup on the sofa, so I hastily doused it with stain remover. The ketchup is now no longer there; however there is a larger stain in its place. I stained the sofa with stain remover. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24184

You deserved it

4708

Tweet

Share

By mal - 8/5/2012 20:46 - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I brought my girlfriend home while my parents were at work, and things got a little heated. We lost track of time, because the next thing we knew, my dad burst into the living room. He doubled over laughing and asked how much I paid her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32992

You deserved it

6197

Tweet

Share

By Busty - 21/11/2017 06:00

These jugs don't belong here...

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5509

You deserved it

932

Tweet

Share

By mish - 22/9/2013 20:41 - United Kingdom - Leominster

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via Snapchat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48095

You deserved it

4154

Tweet

Share

By all tweened out - 20/2/2015 20:00 - Canada

Today, I drove alone for the first time since I passed my test. I kept getting weird looks from other drivers and got pulled over by a cop. He said I was clearly underage and was sure my license was fake. Almost half an hour later, he finally let me go. I hate having a baby-face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34658

You deserved it

2710

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/12/2019 06:00 - Australia - Carlton

Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2308

Phew, glad it wasn't me

366

Tweet

Share

By dregmanhart - 12/1/2017 12:33

Today, I went out for a 20-minute lunch break. When I returned to the office, I noticed that my personal computer was missing. Someone had walked into the suite on the second floor and stole my computer right off its docking station, while a few of my coworkers were still in the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5484

You deserved it

572

Tweet

Share

By dadyoureacunt - 21/9/2013 13:10 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40263

You deserved it

7411

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 16/11/2011 03:17 - Canada

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16375

You deserved it

33723

Tweet

Share

By iLuvsIt - 6/11/2012 09:32 - Australia - Belmont

Today, my friend joked to my co-workers that my kitty-cat of a husband was going to beat me for spending $200 on shoes. Later on, my rather large dog was so excited to see me when I walked in the door, he split my lip. Somehow, I don't think they'll believe me when I get to the office tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25689

You deserved it

3258

Tweet

Share

By Thai that on for size - 25/9/2015 19:56 - New Zealand - Silverdale

Today, a guy kept flirting with me despite all my hints for him to kindly fuck off and die, so I lied and said I'm a lesbian. This didn't stop him. It got so bad, I had to claim I was born with a dick and say that's why I like girls. Only then did he say "Eeewww..." and back off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26286

You deserved it

2641

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/7/2014 19:04 - Netherlands

Today, on my first day as a lifeguard, a man had a heart attack in the pool. I jumped in, pulled him out, and even went to the hospital with him. He seemed genuinely offended, saying "You should've let me die." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48797

You deserved it

3412

Tweet

Share

By feels like an asshole - 9/6/2015 20:03 - United States

Today, I took new sleeping meds. One of the side effects was sleepwalking. I had a dream my girlfriend wanted me to pee on her. Apparently, while sleepwalking, I pissed all over our dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26168

You deserved it

3174

Tweet

Share

By Pusillanimous - 19/7/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I was waiting in line with a friend, and she poked my stomach and said, "I wish I had your stomach." I asked her why. She said, "Boys wouldn't flirt with me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51192

You deserved it

5422

Tweet

Share

By therevsev - 2/10/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I realized that it has been so long since my wife and I were intimate that I got slightly turned on watching her suck the meat off chicken wings. I'm jealous of fried, sauce-soaked poultry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38413

You deserved it

5062

Tweet

Share

By Jordan - 29/5/2009 13:15 - United States

Today, my friend paypal'd me some money to tide me over until my school loans come through. For a transaction description, he wrote "to get back in that pussy game." It got red flagged, and I had to talk with three female customer service agents before it went through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44768

You deserved it

4530

Tweet

Share

By I'm my husband's second mom - 3/11/2015 07:14 - United States - Dickson

Today, my husband got angry and stormed out of the house because he claims I wasn't pressing the buttons he told me to while playing Pokemon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22727

You deserved it

4442

Tweet

Share

By Username - 29/7/2011 23:36 - United States

Today, my younger brother and I got into a fight over who the favorite child is. My mom overheard, came in the living room and said, "It's your little brother, now shut up." She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40228

You deserved it

7311

Tweet

Share

By Weldingtags - 28/10/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, my dad asked if I'd help him clean the gutters. I was given the responsibility of holding the ladder while he went on the roof. All I heard was laughter before a year's worth of rotting vegetation landed on top of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27996

You deserved it

2933

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/6/2012 19:34 - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, when she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29602

You deserved it

6747

Tweet

Share

By Obi-Wan - 8/9/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Pink Lightsaber

Today, I walked in on my 17 year-old son masturbating. He froze, raised his hand and tried to use the "force" to remove the memory. I'm regretting ever having let him watch Star Wars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1709

You deserved it

402

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/6/2019 04:30

Today, I sparkled because of this glitter bar my mother got me from Lush. I didn't realize until after I got out of the shower that it wasn't just ordinary soap. I tried to wipe off the glitter. It wouldn't come off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1517

You deserved it

246

Tweet

Share

By JackG - 3/3/2010 01:20 - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year old girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31897

You deserved it

3016

Tweet

Share

By Alex - 31/3/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me how I am too occupied with work for our relationship. Before we had sex I told my friend to call me in ten minutes so I can pretend its my boss and I would throw the phone away to impress her. He called me in ten minutes, but I only lasted five. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27699

You deserved it

88826

Tweet

Share

By whitefox123 - 20/9/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17483

You deserved it

45376

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 04:57 - United States - Paducah

Today, it was my 16th birthday. My surprise was a new car, that is now in the side of the garage because my mom lost control while driving it around front. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27904

You deserved it

4264

Tweet

Share

By notapetkiller - 26/7/2016 06:12 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, while in the car with my mom, we accidentally ran over a dog that had sprinted into the road. Instead of stopping, my mom continued to drive as if nothing happened. Every time I tried to bring it up, she merely talked loudly over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17869

You deserved it

1611

Tweet

Share

By ovawerkrd - 16/1/2011 17:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished working a week's overtime managing admin, stock, finances, and three members of staff. I realised that despite all my extra work, I actually earn less per hour than the students who only work on the weekends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25869

You deserved it

2726

Tweet

Share

By Viciousvixen_21 - 2/4/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36576

You deserved it

12219

Tweet

Share

By imahater07 - 28/1/2016 07:02 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I found out that I don't have to work tomorrow. Normally I would be thrilled to hear this, but not from the 6 o'clock news, doing a piece on my work's rat infestation and indefinite shut down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20882

You deserved it

1386

Tweet

Share

By dolceconfuoco - 20/10/2011 16:44 - United States

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31829

You deserved it

2570

Tweet

Share

By CHEERS, TUMBLTARD - 13/9/2013 21:31

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44709

You deserved it

12454

Tweet

Share

By *sigh* - 8/12/2015 22:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I confronted my friend about the £260 he owes me. He got offended and said, "Friends don't have to pay back." He called me selfish and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23552

You deserved it

2175

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 16:00

Drives

Today, and for months now, the meds that stop me from killing myself have killed my sex drive. My boyfriend, being stressed at work, initially assured me that his was also non existent and not to worry. I found out he's been wanking every day and hiding it from me so I don't feel bad. Now I know, I feel fucking awful. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2138

You deserved it

504

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retrieve it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11891

You deserved it

38912

Tweet

Share

By jalopenos - 29/1/2009 10:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend had to leave work early for a funeral and on his way out I wanted to say something. All I could think of was "have fun". FML

I agree, your life sucks

9716

You deserved it

22584

Tweet

Share

By Justkillme - 15/11/2018 03:00

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing. He confessed that he gave me chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3544

You deserved it

404

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/10/2011 07:43 - United States

Today, I tried sneaking over to my girlfriends house to be romantic and knocked on her window. She went and got her mother to see who was at the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17418

You deserved it

23672

Tweet

Share

By Chelsea - 2/4/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74222

You deserved it

38785

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7838987 - Monday 2 September 2019 0:52

So, you let a mosquito suck your dick? You are a pervert!

Mosquito life spans are way less than 18 years, so you're a pedo, too!

By GoogieWithers | 20

#7839000 - Monday 2 September 2019 2:15

Why was she looking at your crotch? She's the pervert!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7838987 - Monday 2 September 2019 0:52

So, you let a mosquito suck your dick? You are a pervert!

Mosquito life spans are way less than 18 years, so you're a pedo, too!

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7838989 - Monday 2 September 2019 1:30

18 is legal... come on, you're better than this

By mas12806 | 21

#7838990 - Monday 2 September 2019 1:33

You don’t owe her an explanation

By jahrule | 3

#7838991 - Monday 2 September 2019 1:34

lol wtf🤣🤣🤣

By GoogieWithers | 20

#7839000 - Monday 2 September 2019 2:15

Why was she looking at your crotch? She's the pervert!

By Sinshine | 27

#7839011 - Monday 2 September 2019 2:57

You don't have to explain anything to a random stranger. Should have told her to mind her own business instead of worrying about your crotch.

By Wadlaen | 19

#7839030 - Monday 2 September 2019 6:27

Could you not just have shown her..?

By Richard Luna | 1

#7839257 - Tuesday 3 September 2019 3:44

Mosquitoe bite in the crotch? Nay you a pervert

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7841699 - Monday 9 September 2019 2:38

That's one of my pet peeves - guys scratching their nuts in public. It's a terrible habit and makes you look trashy. Please don't do it.

By YallDeservedItJk | 22

#7841972 - Monday 9 September 2019 16:45

Did she ask you for an explanation or did you decide to just start talking about your crotch to her??? If you did that’s creepy af and YDI