By CastAway - United States

Bad omen

Today, my girlfriend and I went down to the pier. I brought an empty bottle and some paper, and we both constructed a massive letter expressing our passionate love for each other. We stuck it in the bottle, and threw it out to sea, only to see it explode in slow motion on a protruding rock. FML

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Walk the line

Generosity

F*** my overweight life

By kitty - United States

Today, while talking about my plans for college, I was interrupted so my family could discuss my brother's zit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights, my younger brother wouldn't stop pestering me. It seems he hadn't forgotten the time I gave myself an electric shock last year, and he wanted to see if I'd do it again. FML

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By Lame - United States

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

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By iliku

Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML

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By Inkabadger - Canada

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

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By KaraAnn17 - United States

Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. FML

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By beernuts - United States

Today, due to the powerful antibiotic I was taking for a bad infection on my knee, I had no control over my bowels and shat my pants while discussing a plumbing problem in a customers basement. FML

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By Sostupid - Canada

Today, I had a panic attack because I was constipated. FML

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By - United States - Pleasant Hill

Today my wife came home and said "Before you go into the garage, let me tell you what happened". She was stopped at a traffic light and when it turned green she stepped on the gas, but the truck in front of her did not. The grill was smashed and the car has a 3 inch hole in the bumper. FML

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By Lilly_28 - United States

Today, I was home alone. I didn't expect anyone to be anywhere near home, so when I got out of the shower, I walked to the living room, naked, to get the tv remote for my room. Only to find the UPS guy standing at our glass front door. I screamed... so did he. FML

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By well_f_u_too

Today, I took a night train for the first time. I woke up at 4 am to the beeping of smoke alarms and thick white smoke everywhere. The train had caught on fire. FML

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By charlotte273 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

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By TT - United States

Today, I went to get some teeth pulled. I had Novocaine in my gums and lip so I couldn't feel a thing. When the doctor is pulling out the last tooth, he sneezes and pulls the tooth out. He looks in my mouth and I hear, "Oh, shit..." I now have stitches in my mouth. FML

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By Hayls5 - United States

Today, I was driving with a friend when we saw a wallet in the middle of his neighborhood road. When we picked it up, we saw it was loaded with cash. We drove to the mans house to return the wallet, and when we handed it to him he told us "I would give you a reward but I don't have any cash." FML

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By sickatwokr - Australia

Today, while alone in the childcare centre I work at, one of the children farted bad enough to trigger my morning sickness. Because I was alone, I couldn't leave the room, which resulted in me throwing up into a 2-year-old-sized toilet, while 12 toddlers either watched or ran wild. FML

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By ashamed father - Canada - Brampton

Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hanover

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams to come over for a movie. When I answered the door, my little brother ran up behind me, yelled "geronimo" and pulled down my pants and underwear. FML

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By Avery - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I realized I've been confusing scenes from The Lord of the Rings with American history. FML

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By killme - Canada - Belleville

Today, I had to pee in a cup. The cup almost overflowed. My first instinct was to drink some so it didn't spill. FML

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By Justme - United States

Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

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By Idk - United States - Wilton

Today at work I had recieved a lot of phone calls. I thought maybe it was a scammer line because I never recieve calls. Turns out my phone number was a character's same number in a TV Show. FML

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By NoToBombs - United States - Santa Fe

Today, I got a new roommate. I thought he was pretty cool until he mentioned how everything around us was a conspiracy. Then he asked if I knew how to make a bomb. FML

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By owmyballs - Thailand

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I had a horribly realistic dream where I was being robbed and had to swallow my wedding ring to save it. After waking up, I realized my wedding ring is in fact gone. The doctor assures me that I will have it back in a day or two. FML

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By Dogless - United States

Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML

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By NoCirculation - 24/11/2020 14:03 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Thermoregulation wars

Today, my boyfriend is wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I'm wearing leggings, sweatpants, a vest, t-shirt, jumper and hoodie. If we turn the heating any higher, he starts overheating and sweating. At the current level, I'm still shivering. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at the park and needed to take a piss really badly. I opened my car door and stood to pee, but good old Mother Nature ran by and the wind blew it all into my car. My entire driver side smells like pee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, I returned home from an extended vacation only to find out my cousin wasn't kidding when he said he was going to steal my boyfriend. I thought I was dating a straight guy. FML

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By GOT not for me - 15/9/2020 14:01 - United States

Game of Thrones 2: Pig in the City

Today, I found out my ex lets our kids watch Game of Thrones during his weekend visits. Our kids are 8 and 6. FML

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By ilovesocks - United States

Today, I was hooking up with a guy I just met. Things were getting hot and heavy and he asked me if I had a condom. I said no, and to which he replied "that's okay, we can just use a sock" and pulled his sock off of his left foot. FML

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By littlekellilee - Canada

Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML

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By mhmm... cumsquats - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

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By kingkobrastrikes - United States

Today, I was asleep and snored so loud that I woke myself up. I was at work and I am now the laughing stock of the office. FML

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By Gottabekidding - United States - Ashland

Today, my workplace instituted a policy in which employees must stop and write down what they are doing every fifteen minutes. FML

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By toto13660

Today, at the beach, a seagull conveyed its opinion of my cigarette by taking a dump on it, putting it out. Seems they have anti-tobacco sniper seagulls now. FML

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By Miss_Whipped - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I just received the king-sized bed I'd ordered. My boyfriend moved out two days ago when we broke up. FML

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By

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my roommate to chip in for electricity costs. She called me a bitch, proceeded to tell me she can't afford it despite working full time and I part time, and blocked me on all communications. Uhm, what ? FML

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By lovewedge - United States

Today, I was so drunk that my friends put me to bed during a party. Later I find out that while I was passed out two of my friends came in and had sex while I was in the same bed. They tried to use me as a prop. Now my friends call me the love wedge. FML

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Top comments

By Headcase | 0

#225263 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:19

There's nothing romantic about littering, y'know.

By biancagolden | 0

#225253 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:16

Your love is explosive?

COMMENTS

By triscuit | 0

#225250 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:15

Take it as a sign...?

Reply

responses | 0

#848030 - Friday 12 February 2010 12:35

Maybe theybwill be explosive in bed.

Reply

zendaddy0 | 0

#2285858 - Sunday 3 April 2011 14:20

sweet you can see in slow motion that's awesome

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#5958814 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 17:14

" you couldn't hit water if you threw something into the ocean"

Reply

GrimReefer66 | 29

#6402256 - Friday 4 September 2015 22:20

Hands down, one of the funniest comments I've ever read.

By biancagolden | 0

#225253 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:16

Your love is explosive?

Reply

zyperman43 | 19

#5758419 - Monday 18 November 2013 4:09

And it happens in slow motion

By Headcase | 0

#225263 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:19

There's nothing romantic about littering, y'know.

Reply

ilovefatcats | 12

#966570 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 4:26

not an FML
:|

By helllllllo_9 | 0

#225270 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:23

LMAAAOOOO, that sucks. oh well.
this is likee.. not really an fml or a ydi

Reply

amrik | 11

#1455795 - Saturday 25 September 2010 5:54

agreed

By 8trickster8 | 0

#225271 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:23

It's an omen! Quick, beat her with a rock!

Reply

teenagethunderbo | 0

#2129308 - Sunday 27 February 2011 15:28

^Win

By 24788 | 6

#225275 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:26

Random luck? Can't expect to have an amazing throw all the time.

By chyeah | 0

#225278 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:28

LOL @#5

By the_boss_fml | 0

#225279 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:28

why the fuck would you do that in the first place? I mean seriously WTF. ydi for having no life. that could be the gayest thing I have ever heard

By GlumpyWonderCat | 0

#225280 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:28

How did it explode in slow motion? Can you bypass the laws of physics?

Reply

emorockerownage | 9

#979296 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 5:21

HAHAHA

Reply

travisrocker | 0

#1085206 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 18:24

I'm sure you could with what your smoking lol

Reply

pinkpolarbear | 8

#2970386 - Monday 25 July 2011 8:32

just throwing this out there, everyone is saying "how did you see it in slow motion" im wondering, how did it explode in the forst place? bottle rocket? mentos and coke?

Reply

Lancerman7449 | 0

#3448333 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:17

I'm pretty sure it blew up when it hit the giant rock they talked about dumbass ^^^

Reply

Febbo | 1

#5023991 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 0:03

Why would you even through it on a rock??? ^-^

By padlarf | 14

#225287 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:36

Constructing a letter :')