Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged... - FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged husband who she hasn't seen in years. After a thoroughly disasterous visit, we're waiting in the carpark and my gran strokes my face and tells me I have a lot of facial hair. I thought she was going to thank me. And I'm a girl. FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

British Broadcasting Corporation

The student becomes the master

By cutup - 11/7/2012 17:54 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I tried to trim my dog's nails. After about a half hour of barking, biting, and general freaking out, I gave up and decided to pay someone else to do it. I'm a vet, and do this for a living. FML

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By samikai523 - 18/4/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By Charity Taylor - 18/10/2019 22:00

Some pain, no gain

Today, after establishing that we have no idea what's wrong with me, only that it's chronic pain, my doctor informed me that even though I've been dealing with increasingly worse symptoms for years, I'm not a "good applicant" for pain medication. FML

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By Pooping - 29/8/2012 19:19 - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, while I was at work, a coworker began ranting about his theory that the government is going to create a disease that sterilises everyone, and use the antidote to control the population. I was just trying to take a crap in the stall next to him. FML

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By buttpain - 1/12/2016 18:29

Today, I had dinner with my boyfriend's family. His 3-year-old nephew came running for a hug. At the last second, he darted past my arms and bit me on the ass. FML

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By RdL - 17/3/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been begging for one for a year and they always said that I would have to pay for it myself. I got really excited and went to the garage to see my new ride. It was a Hot Wheels car with a note saying "save your money". FML

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By fu2then - 9/3/2010 06:04 - Canada

Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He says "yeah well you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML

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By fatcheeks - 2/3/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I went to see my boyfriend for comfort because I was in so much pain. The first thing he asked me when I saw him with huge cheeks? When would be the next time I could give him a blowjob. FML

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By Scarred - 4/9/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML

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By zzfreakshow - 15/10/2013 00:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I fell asleep while at the beach with friends. Someone thought it would be funny to put chunks of bread on and around my junk. Seagulls have sharp beaks. FML

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By Giraafe - 9/5/2016 17:53 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I got grounded because I didn't send my aunt a Mother's Day present. Not only is she not married she doesn't have kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2012 09:43 - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 02:00

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

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By lemongrab - 18/5/2014 14:14 - Canada

Today, I was chewed out by a lady who claimed the laptop she bought wouldn't turn on, and that she wanted a refund. She yelled and shoved the laptop at me, not even listening when I told her I didn't even work at that store. FML

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By RIP job - 28/9/2016 04:26 - Australia

Today, I had a job interview for an amazing opportunity. Too bad my nerves made me forget what the role was and where it was, mid-interview. FML

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By insomniac - 3/9/2010 23:02

Today, my sister is nursing an injured cat back to health in our home because she accidentally hit it with her car. Now I can't decide which is contributing more to my insomnia: the incessant meowing, or the constant itching because our house is infested with fleas. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2013 05:27 - Canada

Today, my husband suggested a way for us to "make some money" off our pregnancy. His great idea? Pregnancy porn. FML

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By forever1990 - 28/1/2013 11:52 - United States - York

Today, I'm getting married. A few months ago, I allowed my mother in-law to take care of catering. She begged to be a part of the wedding, so I gave her the caterer's number and order info. It appears that I will not be eating at my own wedding because she decided to order food I'm allergic to. FML

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By Miriden - 19/7/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

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By TheBaconater - 3/2/2013 16:22 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I woke up to a voice-mail from my manager saying I had the day off. Excited, I made plans with my friends. A few minutes ago I got a call from my other manager yelling at me for not showing up, and the original manager revealed he had me confused with another girl. FML

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By mariah_1_11 - 6/3/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with a guy I really like. My friends convinced me that he was going to stand me up and that I should just stay home to avoid being hurt. He showed up; I didn't. My friends laughed at my gullible nature. FML

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By vcarder - 4/10/2013 20:25 - United States - Newton

Today, I met a really nice girl at a club. One thing led to another, and she told me to meet her out front in 5 minutes. I was so drunk that I stumbled into the restroom instead, then curled up on the floor crying in despair when I realized my mistake. FML

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By fatandsad - 3/1/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

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By Tasha84 - 20/11/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I got an electric razor and a lesson from my dad on how to shave my mustache and chin. I also got my period. FML

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By immature - 18/9/2014 19:20 - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, in astronomy class, a kid used Uranus in a hilarious innuendo. I was the only one who laughed. I also happen to be the teacher. FML

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By representative - 20/4/2017 00:00

Today, I was let go without warning at work. Why? Because my boss saw some comments I'd posted. Nothing I'd said was offensive or controversial, but he said he didn't care, because he didn't agree with it and didn't want me to "smear" the company name. I represent the company? I just serve coffee. FML

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By fuckmuppeter512 - 4/1/2014 22:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend. After only having sex once, where I wore a condom and didn't even get to come, she says that she's pregnant. FML

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By Pop - 15/1/2014 02:38 - United States - New York

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that "old people are allowed to tell the truth". FML

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By manutdlol - 13/12/2009 06:15 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has more armpit hair than me. FML

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By - 2/12/2019 18:00

She plays tricks on me

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

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By nowork - 28/8/2013 03:21 - United States - Liverpool

Today, I asked my boss for a raise, explaining that another shop offered me a job at a higher rate, but I would stay if he would offer me the same. Instead, he fired me then called the other shop and said I was fired for failing a drug test. FML

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By John - 13/1/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I cleaned my entire apartment hoping to find the source of the terrible odor I've been smelling for the past week. It's me. FML

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By crosscountryfatigue - 19/9/2018 12:00

Today, with one week left until I fly to my new apartment, movers loaded my belongings and happily drove off. They even loaded my unpacked, inflated air mattress. Looks like I'm sleeping on the floor for a week. FML

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By kashish0711 - 2/8/2009 16:14 - India

Today, I was at home, my mom came and saw me holding what she thought was a glass of beer. She took the glass, threw it and slapped me for drinking it. I was drinking Apple Juice. FML

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By creeper - 3/9/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. When the show was over I got the chance to meet them. When I met the guitarist and told him my name, he recognized me. To my disappointment it was as the facebook creeper. FML

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By Alex - 5/2/2016 22:55 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML

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By Username - 7/7/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I was scheduled for an interview at 3 o'clock. I allowed thirty minutes for the drive, but when I put my key in the ignition, the car wouldn't start. FML

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By rivercitybarf - 8/8/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I found out that worms in apples aren't something that you just see in cartoons. FML

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By Loser - 4/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. FML

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By tinydancer - 10/5/2012 18:10 - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to a party dressed as a zombie. Everyone admired my hilarious "zombie dancing". Those were my regular dance moves. FML

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Top comments

By redbluegreen | 40

#225348 - Sunday 24 May 2009 11:26

She sounds like my mother.
She has things to pick at, even if they don't always make sense or have a purpose. I'd just be happy that she didn't start buying you gift cards to spas to fix the problem or suggest products. Totally embarrassing though.

Had you noticed this before she mentioned it though?

By 24788 | 6

#225268 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:21

Well, at least it was your grandma who told you. It could of been worst.

COMMENTS

By biancagolden | 0

#225249 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:14

This is why bleaching does not suffice.

By stiles_fml | 0

#225264 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:20

yawn

By 24788 | 6

#225268 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:21

Well, at least it was your grandma who told you. It could of been worst.

By alesposito | 0

#225289 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:37

That sucks but uh..ever heard of waxing?

YDI & FYL

By Curtieeeez | 0

#225313 - Sunday 24 May 2009 10:50

She was probably delusional.

By itsgen | 16

#225340 - Sunday 24 May 2009 11:13

hmmm its called WAX!! and rasors!
omg what gurl lets her self to get that hairy?
eww

By redbluegreen | 40

#225348 - Sunday 24 May 2009 11:26

She sounds like my mother.
She has things to pick at, even if they don't always make sense or have a purpose. I'd just be happy that she didn't start buying you gift cards to spas to fix the problem or suggest products. Totally embarrassing though.

Had you noticed this before she mentioned it though?

By Madalena_fml | 0

#225363 - Sunday 24 May 2009 11:45

She's old . Give her a break .

sucks for you though .
ever heard of waxing ? LOL

By tWitt3rBuG | 0

#225371 - Sunday 24 May 2009 11:57

Why would she thank you for a disastrous visit? That's a bit hopeful! Well brutal honesty from family is a good thing, do something about it!

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#225386 - Sunday 24 May 2009 12:11

This FML really made no sense....were you drunk when u wrote it? Your grammar is awful and u can't even write a complete sentense(sp?) Or have a clear thought process.....either way YDI for being hairy.