Health: Today, my father tripped over the dog and hit a wall. He was...

By anon - 31/07/2014 03:12 - Canada - Goderich

Today, my father tripped over the dog and hit a wall. He was so convinced his arm was broken that we waited for 3 hours in emergency to find out he had a bruise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 731

You deserved it 3 415

Health

Empathy lives

The smell detective is on the case

8 out 10 dentists

Jim Henson lives

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I was at the gynecologist and he was performing a routine check-up. He was a new doctor and I was just slightly uncomfortable with him. About mid-check-up, as he felt around my uterus, he said in a cartoonish voice, "Oh, it's so squishy up here." The doctor turned me into a sock puppet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 355

You deserved it 5 102

By Anonymous - 10/09/2012 14:14 - United States - Puyallup

Today, my mother shared my phone number with my brother, despite my explicit wishes that she didn't. He immediately went and put it on Craigslist and several other websites. This is the fourth time I've had to change my number for that very same reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 710

You deserved it 2 445

By sparklethelette - 07/12/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn't get the "blue water to go away" when he flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 977

You deserved it 3 482

By Anonymous - 19/05/2013 18:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 751

You deserved it 7 793

By makdra - 06/01/2016 18:01

Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 190

You deserved it 2 015

By Tigerninjagoalie - 20/06/2016 23:13 - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I finally found someone who liked me and wanted to kiss me. It was a 5-year-old at the daycare I work at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 595

You deserved it 1 022

By Anonymous - 21/11/2009 12:56 - Finland

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 194

You deserved it 21 982

By kjirut - 27/10/2009 18:49 - Norway

Today, I realized that the only thing I learned from my first serious relationship was how to fake an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 485

You deserved it 5 038

By Pissed - 20/06/2016 19:27 - United States - Asheville

Today, I purposefully spilt my 44oz. cup of water on myself at work, because spending the rest of the day in soaking wet pants was less embarrassing than letting people know I'd pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 274

You deserved it 2 925

Philosophical

By Too available to be sexy - 04/05/2019 20:00

Today, during foreplay, my husband asked if I found him sexually attractive. When I asked him back, after a yes, he was silent for two minutes then went into a ten-minute philosophical discussion on the nature of attractiveness. He would find me more attractive if I wasn't his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 515

You deserved it 298

By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 723

You deserved it 3 667

Smash the Patriarchy!

By Anonymous - 18/10/2019 00:02

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that yes, girls do get armpit hair, we just have to shave it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 460

You deserved it 208

A dish best served cold

By Joblessagain - 08/07/2021 18:01

Today, I used one of my ex-coworkers as a reference. She gave a really bad review about me, causing me to miss out on the job opportunity of a lifetime, all because she’s still upset I wore the same dress as her at the company holiday gala 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 261

There goes the neighborhood…

By Anonymous - 21/10/2021 11:00

Today, my drunk neighbor couldn’t get into his apartment and thought it would be a good idea to poop in our yard. He left a pile of diarrhea under our window, and poop-stained napkins all over the lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 57

By goingdownhillfast - 12/04/2017 02:00

Today, after getting her "out-of-office" email, I realized that my coworker is on vacation this week. We're doing our final presentation for a major project on Thursday, and she hasn't finished her part. I guess I won't be sleeping this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 308

You deserved it 297

By crazyattracts - 31/07/2016 05:53 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 700

You deserved it 1 977

By Garry the Gluten-Free Pizza - 13/09/2016 21:17 - United States

Today, I was carjacked. As he shoved me away from my car, I got hit by another car. He and the other car both drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 559

You deserved it 1 034

By Anonymous - 01/06/2018 06:00

Today, my new bikini must be cheap as shit because I tanned nicely where I put on sunscreen, but where I didn’t apply it under the bikini I’ve gotten super red sunburn on my butt, my lady bits, and my boobs. My nipples look like the ends of red felt tip pens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 512

You deserved it 792

By Anonymous - 17/02/2017 06:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at the hairdresser's, I fell asleep while my hair was being washed. My barber had to shake me awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 073

You deserved it 1 052

By Anonymous - 03/07/2014 16:42 - France - Beausoleil

Today, I came home from vacation, only to find my neighbours relaxing on my patio, and their kids swimming in my pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 467

You deserved it 4 621

By Bo - 22/04/2009 13:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party. The girl I'm madly in love with referred to me as her 'Gay Friend.' She refused to kiss me in Spin-the-Bottle as 'She didn't want to do anything with anyone that night'. She then made out, and slept with, my 'best friend' whom she had never met before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 268

You deserved it 6 664

By Humiliated - 14/09/2009 12:58 - United States

Today, I was shaving and I sneezed unexpectedly. I ended up cutting myself so badly that I had to go to the emergency room. It wouldn't have been quite so humiliating if I hadn't been forced to show the extremely attractive doctor my sliced open and half shaved crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 789

You deserved it 5 345

By shelby124 - 15/08/2012 16:31 - United States - York

Today, I realized why it's not a good idea to sleep with your boyfriend when he still lives with his mom. She may walk in, make you get dressed, and demand what you have to say for yourself. Trust me, "Your son is good at sex" is not the right answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 909

You deserved it 39 589

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 408

You deserved it 46 180

By FailMan - 17/01/2009 13:15 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend, when she walked ahead of me cat-walk style, turned around and said, "Do you think I could model?" I blurted out, "Yes... for a plus-size clothing line." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 036

You deserved it 55 599

By sadsexer23 - 16/02/2010 03:10 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriends virginity and had given it my all. When I had finished, sweating and tired, I looked down at her and smiled, obviously pleased with myself. She looked up at me and said, "Wait, was that it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 609

You deserved it 6 626

By assdialed. - 04/11/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my dad that I haven't heard from in months. I didn't answer, but it left me an accidental voicemail saying "Oh s***, I didn't mean to call her!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 484

You deserved it 2 577

By em - 05/02/2011 09:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk. As he got home he asked me to marry him, I was going to say yes until he said, "Oh wait, wrong woman." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 197

You deserved it 5 890

By AkaiKitsune - 12/08/2017 11:00 - Canada - Victoria

Today, while riding around the lake, a pair of kids thought it was okay to take turns yanking my horse's tail and running away so they didn't get kicked. When I told the parents not to let their kids do that, they said that I shouldn't be riding if I can't "control my beast". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 879

You deserved it 232

By stpdaziandude - 08/05/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 801

You deserved it 44 929

He prefers the dog

By Anonymous - 19/11/2019 14:00

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 884

You deserved it 337

Covid-19 vs. Sex life

By CoronaDating - 23/03/2020 23:10

Today, I've been single for a couple of months. The last time I was single, Tinder and dating apps didn't exist. After figuring out how to be successful with those and setting up several dates, I've already had 3 date cancellations for this week because of the coronavirus. It's going to be a long couple of months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 428

Gruesome

By AbysmalAbyss - 11/03/2021 08:04

Today, it's been seven days since I had my wisdom tooth removed, under guidance from both a doctor and a dentist to help with frequent headaches. The dentist cut open my cheek during surgery, which got infected, and now I also have dry socket. My mouth is causing me agony, and so are my headaches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 012

You deserved it 51

Eau de toilette

By anon - 05/03/2011 10:15 - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 394

You deserved it 3 096

Let's say, hypothetically…

By Anonymous - 08/12/2014 04:35 - United States - Long Beach

Today, my boyfriend gave me a long, philosophical explanation about how he doesn't love me, but we should still have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 735

You deserved it 3 847

By adam - 15/02/2010 02:16 - United States

Today, I made heart shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 045

You deserved it 4 189

By Anonymous - 08/05/2015 16:46 - United Kingdom - Loughton

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I sneezed so hard that my head shot forward and smashed against his, sending his head backwards against the wall. He ended up with a concussion, and I still feel like someone hit me over the head with a chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 760

You deserved it 3 816

By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. Too bad it was on my brand new oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 000

You deserved it 4 354

By BARF - 27/04/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I was having cybersex via webcam with my boyfriend. Trying to be as sexy as I could, I started sucking on my finger. Judging by the look on my boyfriend's face, he was getting really into it. As I started getting into it too, I shoved my finger too far down and puked all over my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 487

You deserved it 130 146

By Leah - 24/06/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my boss gave me a speech about my "motivation issues". I've been working for him for 2 months, the commissions I've made for him paid off his bills, so what are my motivation issues? I turned down his offer of a date. I have a boyfriend. He keeps asking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 647

You deserved it 2 616

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Top comments

rugby_lover09 13

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Thursday 31 July 2014 8:43

He only had to wait 3 hours?! That is not a long emergency wait, it could have been worse (I had to wait 12 hours when I broke my ankle).

kost4060 14

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Thursday 31 July 2014 8:44

No offence but your dad is a drama queen

worldclassrager 39

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Thursday 31 July 2014 8:43

Doggone it! Maybe a bit overdramatic? How's the dog doing? Not barking mad I hope

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Thursday 31 July 2014 9:29

If I were a dog, I'd just bark at you #1. If you try too hard, too hard you'll fail.

badluckalex 23

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Thursday 31 July 2014 10:13

the pressure of first comment strikes again

jake_braves 25

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Friday 1 August 2014 17:05

He was very dramatic, my dad doesn't like going to the hospital unless it's absolutely necessary. He cut an artery in his foot once and didn't go. He applied the right procedure though, he has lots of experience! Lol

rugby_lover09 13

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Thursday 31 July 2014 8:43

He only had to wait 3 hours?! That is not a long emergency wait, it could have been worse (I had to wait 12 hours when I broke my ankle).

Enslaved 36

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Thursday 31 July 2014 8:47

I know. That jackass' mom had to wait 6 hours and her kid was all banged up!

onlychildFTW 33

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Thursday 31 July 2014 11:22

12hrs? Where do you live???

rocker_chick105 31

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Thursday 31 July 2014 14:03

That's why I'm thankful there is an Urgent Care near my house.

lunar999 23

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Thursday 31 July 2014 15:41

It took me half an hour to get my broken wrist seen and x-rayed

rugby_lover09 13

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Thursday 31 July 2014 19:40

I live in rural Ontario; the hospital covers many small areas. Another factor to the horrendous wait time was because there were a ton of ambulance call-ins.

redstone7693 29

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Saturday 2 August 2014 6:11

I broke my leg once and I didn't even have to wait for an hour

blackonblight 32

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Saturday 2 August 2014 12:39

6 hours to get in when I was an agoraphobic ball of panic that had to be bodily dragged from closet, bedroom, house, car, just to get there. I spent 6 hours going from one panic attack to another. I was lucky the nurses on staff were able to see how freaked the fuck out I was and let me and my family sit in another room instead of the main waiting area, but still. Six hours to get sedated and admitted to the psych ward at age 14.