By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 23:02

Alexa, play "Noise Annoys" by Buzzcocks

Today, I found out my mother only uses two settings for volume on her laptop: maximum volume or completely quiet. She'll play it over whatever other people are doing, and then get mad when they tell her to turn it down. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Compassion

By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 02:05 - United States

Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

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By Ca13b - 15/10/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, my brother put pepper spray on my toilet paper. FML

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47863

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By georgia819 - 21/5/2009 08:06 - Australia

Today, my cat was hit by a car. I took it to the vet expecting the worst but they told me that she’d be fine. I was so happy I didn't even mind paying the $50 bill. The next morning my cat was dead. Having her put down humanely would have cost $45, I paid $5 extra to have her die in my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2015 04:42

Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns and it hurts to sit. FML

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By Busted - 26/7/2010 12:26 - South Africa

Today, I was woken up because the police were pounding on my door, and saying I am under arrest for stealing road signs. My friends went drinking last night and thought it would be funny to steal seven stop signs, four bus stop signs, and two children crossing signs then plant them on my front lawn. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 04:52 - United States

Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML

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By Ugly - 22/8/2013 23:40 - United States - Jerseyville

Today, I went to my high school reunion. Someone walked up to me and said, "Wow, you look so different!" She then followed it up with, "You used to be so pretty, what happened?" FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2016 07:29 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I was up late and heard my mother and her boyfriend come home. After a full minute of bed-creaking action, I heard him exclaim, "I did it! A new record, haha!" I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By flopsy - 3/12/2010 16:19 - Australia

Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML

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52194

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By Aw522 - 30/5/2012 23:07 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cutting the grass, it was really hot and I fainted. I woke up to see my mom standing over me. I thought she was going to freak out and call an ambulance. Instead she said, "Good, you're up. Now you can finish." FML

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By gorey - 19/8/2010 01:26 - Canada

Today, I gave blood. He sneezed while he stuck the needle in my arm. FML

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By CollegeFreshman - 11/9/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I heard a knock on my door and, thinking it was my student adviser, opened it. I was greeted by a drunk girl, who pushed her way into my dorm room, informed me that she lived here last year, and then told me that she lost her virginity in my bed. FML

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By are you kidding me? - 16/5/2016 21:24 - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

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By SHRINKY - 23/12/2016 14:31

Today, we were looking forward to spending x-mas eve with our best friends of 13 years before moving across the country where we know no one. That was the plan. The stomach flu virus has a different plan. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 19:29 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

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By shitty candles - 1/12/2014 07:30 - United States - Issaquah

Today, I dug out the 5 fancy, extremely expensive candles I bought during Black Friday. I lit one up, and was delighted that it smelled so great. My mother then walked into my room and stated that it smelled "like shit". The other four were going to be a Christmas gift for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2016 18:24 - United States - Mission

Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML

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21541

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By Celina - 12/1/2009 09:55 - United States

Today, I have -$700 in my current account, $500 from overdraft fees because I spent money they told me I had. I don't get paid till the 15th and when I cash in my paycheck all of it will go to bringing me even. So the $9 I found in my wallet this morning will have to last me untill the 30th. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 08:00

No thanks, mom

Today, my crazed and very hormonal pregnant mother told me that I should get pregnant too, so that we can be "preggo buddies." I'm 15. FML

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1975

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By Frazz - 10/6/2013 05:09 - Australia - Aspley

Today, I was told by my grandfather that I was no longer allowed to visit him or to set foot in his house. Why? He found out I have been taking Japanese and German as electives in my degree, so I must be an 'enemy spy'. FML

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By gamergirlfriend - 20/10/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I was texting my boyfriend. I noticed that he had added a signature onto his texts that had the date 11/10/09. At first, I blushed and thought it was the date we had become a couple. But then I realized it was just the day the new Call of Duty game comes out. Love you too. FML

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By ashily24 - 7/2/2018 15:00

Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn't come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor's office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2018 19:00

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

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4677

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By That Guy - 1/11/2014 12:58 - United States - Tampa

Today, I realized why the lady I had complimented the night before on Halloween about her amazing one-armed costume, looked so hurt. She is literally missing an arm. I'm an asshole. FML

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By raven_teen_titan - 4/3/2012 05:51 - United States

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

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By IT_4_Hire - 10/5/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML

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By toryzhere - 29/3/2012 11:13 - Canada

Today, I had a job interview. I have major OCD, and I had to sit in a room with a man covered in cat hair, struggling to even survive for an hour and a half. FML

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22363

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By Adam - 24/5/2011 05:54

Today, while I was walking home, I noticed an elderly man in a wheel chair trying to paint his garage so I went over to help. His response was verbal abuse and a slap to the face with a wet paint brush. FML

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By paige - 1/4/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2014 22:35 - Canada - Concord

Today, my son said his first complete sentence: "Mommy likes shit." Not only will he not stop saying it, I have no idea who taught him to say it in the first place. FML

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By anonymous - 19/9/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, I bought a new pack of "feminine wipes" on my way over to my boyfriend's house after a long day of work. He saw them in my purse and sweetly told me I shouldn't be so self conscious. Later on, when he was going down on me, he said, "I take back what I said earlier." FML

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By mlove - 6/9/2010 08:35 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law finally admitted that I'm "not the girl for her son" and that she will do anything to break us up. FML

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By UnluckyLatina - 22/4/2016 03:30 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot, since he screamed in agony. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 01:56 - United States - Ithaca

Today, my mother told me to take a quick shower. When I got out, she told me I took too long, and now I have to pay the utilities bill. My shower was two minutes long. FML

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By ohhmydamn - 31/7/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out if you slide down the stairs on a foam matress topper, it just folds under instead of sliding. Then you slide the rest of the way down on your knees and break your nose at the bottom. FML

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By blasted - 25/11/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

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By blahblah - 24/5/2010 04:14 - United States

No sleep til Brooklyn

Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2018 13:30

Today, I have a busy week scheduled at work, so I took my file home to smash out some reports. Naturally I did not do any work at home and then I also forgot to take the file back to work the next day. Instead of saving time, I wasted an hour driving home to collect it. FML

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By LivingInSin - 27/1/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's ex-wife facebooked me to inform me that they were still married and he was still sleeping with her. I've been living with him for the past month. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2015 05:24 - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's scared because her period is late, and that they're usually on time. Five hours late apparently. FML

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Top comments

By Brightside86 | 16

#7917059 - Sunday 28 June 2020 6:17

Maybe get her some headphones. Lots of people's hearing gets bad as they age.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7917040 - Sunday 28 June 2020 2:42

WHAT?

Comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7917040 - Sunday 28 June 2020 2:42

WHAT?

By Chazzster | 20

#7917053 - Sunday 28 June 2020 4:58

It sounds like Mom is losing her hearing.

OP - Sorry that is tough to be around if you have normal hearing.

By Brightside86 | 16

#7917059 - Sunday 28 June 2020 6:17

Maybe get her some headphones. Lots of people's hearing gets bad as they age.

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7917561 - Monday 29 June 2020 22:57

Maybe everyone should start using headphones. I almost always use them. It makes the house way quieter... then if someone does need to talk or something, everyone can hear what they want to hear and not what they don't want to hear.