Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML
Today, I learned that horror movies do not exaggerate the pain of getting your nails ripped from your fingers. FML
IIIlibras tells us more.
Welllll, I needed to move my boyfriend and I's heavy mattress back against the wall so as I lifted it up, our Doberman (who loves to pounce things) decided then would be a good time to do so..Right where my hands were. My poor long nails just could not hold up the weight thus resulting in blood.
Today, I finally decided to try an alternative to peanut butter, since I found out I was allergic a while back. Two hours later I had to be sent home because the allegedly allergen-free SunButter caused my lips and throat to swell and patches of rashes to form all over my body. FML
Today, I went to work with a splitting headache, after being ridiculed for calling out with a migraine previously. It was only after I started vomiting blood at my work station that management decided I could go home. FML
Kitkat7291 tells us more.
OP here - I've tried to leave an update a few times but it never sends -_-' I did go to the hospital that day and the over all verdict was in fact an ulcer. I'm on really strong antacids now. I also quit that job 2 weeks after this post, but only after securing another one. I'm much happier now, thank you everyone!
Today, a coworker accidentally drank my coffee and made me more in an identical mug, placing it back like nothing happened. Thanks to all the sucralose in the not-my-soy creamer she used, I'm still on the can. It's midnight. FML
boopingsnoot tells us more.
Today, after fasting for 24 hours and drinking 2 buckets of laxatives, my doctor's office notified me that my colonoscopy had been cancelled. I'd just finished the prep by taking the fart pills, and now have the cleanest colon ever. A lot of time spent on the toilet that I’ll never get back though. FML
Today, I went to the dentist. My dentist kept talking to me while his hands were in my mouth. I attempted to tell him that it was difficult and dangerous to respond. My talking made him slip and slice my mouth open with one of his instruments. FML
Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML
Today, I took my friend to the emergency room because he was having heart problems. The doctors recognized him, and one of them had something to say: "Charles, can you not wait until you're practically dying to seek medical treatment?" This is gonna be a long day. FML
Today, I tried plugging in my Gatorade bottle with a charging cable instead of my phone. I couldn't tell if the reason was because I was high, or I'm just really that fucking stupid. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML
Today, I went to the market and I was stuck in a long ass line for 10-15 minutes. To make things worse, in front of me was a guy bending down with his buttcrack all the way out. I couldn't eat anything after that. FML
Today, I actually felt good after being rude to someone. My avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety have made me like such a goddamn pushover that standing up for myself in any way, right or wrong, makes me feel proud of myself. FML
Today, I have been trying for 5 days to gain weight. Which for me, requires stuffing myself to the point of exploding. I haven’t slept in days because I'm constantly digesting food. FML
Today, I gave up smoking. A few hours later, I caught myself daydreaming about brutally killing a guy that gave me a mean look at the bus. Maybe I should go back to smoking. FML
Today, I found out that pretending to be a bum begging for money can get you stuck in a jail cell for a few hours. FML
Today, I left work early because I had a dentist appointment. I got to the clinic, checked in, and sat down. Ten minutes later, the receptionist asked why I was there. My appointment is next Wednesday. I had taken the afternoon off for nothing. FML
Today, I learned that you can be so sleep deprived that you sleep through your alarm, a construction crew outside your house, and your bladder completely voiding itself. FML
Today, after having the worst night of my life, my boss chewing me out and acid reflux all morning, I went to the snack machine at work to get the only thing that makes me happy, Reese's PB cups. I had just enough money to buy the very last one in the machine, and it got stuck. FML
Today, I got home from hospital after being sent there for suicidal intentions because I'm poor, chronically ill and want out of my life. Five hours later, I was sent home after being given one Valium and a taxi ordered, that I had to pay for. FML
Today, I have to use the same techniques to trick my 24-year-old husband into brushing his teeth, as I do my 2-year-old. FML
Today, I was telling my new boyfriend some of my funny family stories. He gave me the most concerned look and asked honestly, “Have you ever thought about going to therapy?” Apparently the stories I told him not only weren’t funny, but pretty damn scary to him. Now he thinks I’m crazy. FML
Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML
Today, I have a hemorrhoid and a cold. Every time I cough or sneeze, it feels like someone is stabbing me in the anus. FML
Today, I was telling my wife how being told to drink water all day when you're not even thirsty is "such a scam". Suddenly, I felt an excruciating pain in my abdomen. The ER had to give me IV fluids because I was so constipated from dehydration. The bill was over $2000. FML
Today, I went to the doctor, only to find out I can no longer eat chocolate, my favorite food. When I got home, my boyfriend took the chocolate cake I'd been eating from the fridge, sat down in front of me, and ate the whole thing without breaking eye contact. FML
Today, at the gym I loaded way too much weight on the bench press. Halfway through my set, I got stuck with the bar on my chest, squealing like a squeezed rubber duck until a stranger rescued me. FML
Today, I went through a drive-thru and ordered enough food for three people. The cashier asked if I needed extra napkins “for the group.” I panicked and said, “Yes, for the kids in the back.” There are no kids. Just me, alone, eating like a human trash compactor. FML
Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML
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