Health

Sticky

By Anonymous - 13/06/2025 23:00 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, it's been a few days since I had surgery, which means I can’t wash my hair myself for a couple of weeks. Today I paid to have it washed professionally… then proceeded to spill liquid glucose all over the ends of my hair. FML

agreeclassic 303

vote type 1 124

That's nice

By ouch - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

agreeclassic 38 751

vote type 1 3 902

By Anonymous - 13/06/2025 09:00 - United States

Today, after carefully keeping track of what I was eating and trying not to turn into a midnight snacker in order to lose weight, my sugar crashed at around 10:30pm. Before this I had two high protein bagels (at around 6:30pm) and a whole pint of fresh blueberries (at roughly 8pm) yet my sugar still crashed. FML

agreeclassic 301

vote type 1 137

Self-confidence boost

By Uri - 12/06/2025 09:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I was jogging with my shirt off, feeling confident and athletic. A car slowed down next to me. I expected a compliment, but instead, a kid leaned out the window and yelled, “Put it back on, Shrek!” FML

agreeclassic 404

vote type 1 156

Scammers

By insurance lies - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to get an MRI. I double and triple checked to make sure there was no out-of-pocket cost. When I arrived at the testing center, I was expected to pay full price for the test. It costs $2,360. FML

agreeclassic 50 028

vote type 1 4 001

"Boredom is a disease worse than cancer, drugs cure it." - Doug Stanhope

By Anonymous - 10/06/2025 03:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, after two years of chronic usage, I’m 26 days sober off weed. About 2 months off nicotine. One year off psychedelics. But I’m more bored, lonely, sad, and frustrated than ever. Connections scares me as much as I crave them, and what connections I do make barely scratch the surface. I'm doing my best but it feels the worst. FML

agreeclassic 429

vote type 1 145

Weird flex but OK

By Chad - 10/06/2025 03:00 - Canada

Today, I confidently told my friends I had a high spice tolerance and took a shot of insanely hot ghost pepper sauce. I immediately hiccuped, tears started streaming down my cheeks, and I coughed so hard I fell off my chair and knocked stuff off of the table. We were in a restaurant. FML

agreeclassic 56

vote type 1 795

Theater kid

By juliet - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my theatre teacher made me go on stage even though I had a violent stomach flu. My understudies were unreachable, and she threatened to fail me if I did not perform. Halfway through the first act, I vomited on the first row. She failed me for letting the cast down. FML

agreeclassic 133 807

vote type 1 6 365

Overenthusiastic

By Anonymous - 09/06/2025 08:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to pick my wife up and put her on the worktop for some oral fun, and when I say "tried" I mean I failed. My back spasmed for the first time in my life and I sort of threw her into the fridge door. I’m now in agony, she’s mad that I “think she’s fat”, and the fridge has a dent. FML

agreeclassic 372

vote type 1 131

It's a sign!

By unknown951 - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff

Today, I went to the doctor because recently I've had a white liquid coming from my breast. I found out it's milk. I'm not pregnant. FML

agreeclassic 34 040

vote type 1 4 830

On the runs

By coloneltushfinger - this FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

agreeclassic 1 930

vote type 1 483

Thanks, Canada!

By Cough Cough - 06/06/2025 20:00 - United States - Steele

Today, just like every other day, I live in the Midwest. If you're not living in the Midwest, and you're wondering how we're doing with the Canadian wildfire smoke, I'm here to tell you that we're quite miserable. Especially if you're me, a person who already has very janky lungs. I'm afraid to leave the house. FML

agreeclassic 377

vote type 1 102

Chill out zone

By Gassy Patient - 06/06/2025 14:00 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, while a patient in my local psych ward, I attended a relaxation group. Apparently it was too relaxing, as I farted in the middle of it. It smelled. People noticed. FML

agreeclassic 355

vote type 1 149

Lost

By Anonymous - 06/06/2025 20:00 - Canada

Today, I walked into the gym in my new workout outfit and headed straight for the weight machines. After 10 minutes, a staff member tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Sir, this is a physical therapy clinic.” The gym was next door. FML

agreeclassic 157

vote type 1 452

Not the sharpest tool

By full'a'shit - 05/06/2025 17:00 - United States

Today, after days of constipation, I gave myself an enema to clear out the obstruction. My girlfriend has decided that I'm secretly gay and will not change her mind. She's already told her friends, who now want to take me shoe shopping. FML

agreeclassic 502

vote type 1 102

Where did you come from?

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

agreeclassic 32 977

vote type 1 2 932

What is happening?

By Anonymous - 04/06/2025 09:00 - United States

Today, it's been three days since I noticed mysterious bumps on my arms, on the same day my dad, who I lived with, petted dogs and might've brought in fleas. The first two days were harmless skin conditions. The third day was bug bites. They always appeared overnight when I slept and they weren't bed bugs, I checked. FML

agreeclassic 324

vote type 1 81

Long haul

By Anonymous - 03/06/2025 17:00 - United States

Today, I’ve had an irregular period my whole life. I was on birth control and took out my IUD in January. I’ve had my period ever since. It’s going on 5 months now. FML

agreeclassic 485

vote type 1 100

Dipshit

By Anonymous - 03/06/2025 15:00 - United States

Today, some total dipshit at my workplace tripped over their own feet and split their knee open bad enough to need stitches, ruining our plant’s safety record and screwing us out of free pizza. The worst part is that the dipshit in question was me. FML

agreeclassic 265

vote type 1 427

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

By Fat, hungry and tired - 02/06/2025 02:00 - United States

Today, I suddenly became really hungry at 11pm. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but I have no snacks and everything is closed. Also, being hungry exacerbates my insomnia. Words cannot describe how miserable I am right now. FML

agreeclassic 354

vote type 1 154

Honest

By TheHeirofTime - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML

agreeclassic 14 558

vote type 1 1 840

Rough night

By paul - 01/06/2025 08:00 - United States

Today, I woke up at 6 a.m. from a nightmare in which my stalker ex was my Uber driver, but I woke up before he killed me. I fell back asleep and woke up after several more people attacked me and I fought them off with pepper spray, and found out more people were looking for me because they got 13 years. FML

agreeclassic 285

vote type 1 89

Exit ramp

By Anonymous - 01/06/2025 11:00

Today, my wife dumped me because I have a non-operable brain tumour. It’s not going to kill me, just gives me intermittent symptoms resembling a stroke. She said she couldn’t handle being my carer and left. I don’t need a carer, sometimes I just need to sit until the symptoms go away. FML

agreeclassic 665

vote type 1 66

Health kick

By What am I supposed to do? - 31/05/2025 17:00 - United States

Today, after years of my very poor diet finally resulted in a long overdue health scare, I declared I must try to live healthier. Also today, I was reminded of my hypersensitive gag reflex (I'm autistic), which causes my body to vehemently protest the consumption of a variety of healthy foods. This sucks. FML

agreeclassic 356

vote type 1 168

Woah!

By Mel - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shat myself. FML

agreeclassic 42 304

vote type 1 13 080

Never joke about it

By Anonymous - 26/05/2025 11:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got back to work from a 4 month hospital stay and I joked with my boss that after so long away, I’m not planning on being sick again for years. Two hours later, a coworker knocked me down the stairs. A dislocated hip and a broken femur requiring 4-6 weeks of recovery. FML

agreeclassic 575

vote type 1 70

You're not supposed to eat it

By Anonymous - 26/05/2025 02:00 - United States

Today, I used sunscreen on my face. Said sunscreen was expired and I had an allergic reaction. FML

agreeclassic 353

vote type 1 125

Angry gamers

By Anonymous - 25/05/2025 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my stupid husband took away my Xbox because he happened to read the game warning that pregnant women should take precautions before playing. I have two months of bed rest left before I give birth and no Xbox. I’ll go mad if I have to just sit and watch TV. I want my Assassin's Creed back. FML

agreeclassic 561

vote type 1 164

Not joking

By sharibaby - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

agreeclassic 47 242

vote type 1 4 172

More cake, please

By Anonymous - 25/05/2025 03:00 - United States - Warren

Today, after months of at least trying to diet and exercising three times a week for roughly a year or two, I got put on the generic for Lipitor because my LDL is too high. That's what I get for celebrating my mom's birthday literally two days before I had to get my lipid panel taken. FML

agreeclassic 287

vote type 1 184

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I just got a girlfriend who I love a lot, but I’m friends with this other girl out of pity. It’s so obvious she likes me a lot, and even goes the extra mile for me, but she’s just not my type. I’ve contemplated many times how to get rid of her without hurting her feelings. I just can’t bring myself to do it. FML

agreeclassic 161

vote type 1 601

Today, I got a call from my Dad's number. Turns out, a scammer was spoofing him. Also, my dad's been dead since July this year from esophageal cancer. Way to rub it in. FML

agreeclassic 2 101

vote type 1 166

Today, my boyfriend's jaw was swollen due to him not taking care of a cracked tooth. He's convinced it was actually caused by an STD, and accused me of giving it to him. FML

agreeclassic 35 762

vote type 1 3 688

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

agreeclassic 35 301

vote type 1 6 570

Today, I sat right next to the door on the bus. When I went to get up, a man tripped and pushed me down the exit door stairs. I fell down and broke my ankle. While tending to my ankle, the bus doors closed and my backpack with my laptop, notes and calculator drove away. FML

agreeclassic 39 894

vote type 1 2 381

Today, I found out the boyfriend of 2 years is actually 22 years-old instead of the 28 that he told me. I'm turning 39 this year and I'm very pregnant. FML

agreeclassic 908

vote type 1 502