Today, my crush and I went longboarding, because she’s into it and I told her I was too. I’d never set foot on a longboard, but I figured I’d wing it and pray for the best. Long story short, I ended up with a broken arm and a concussion. Bad decisions, man. They suck. FML
Today, I learned that the waffle machine at my local hotel has sugar-free bottles of syrup… and that the machine that conveniently dispenses syrup for you which is NOT sugar-free. This is exactly why Americans are stereotyped as being so unhealthy. FML
Today, I want to share my weightloss success but I have no one to celebrate with. My husband says, "It's because you have so much to lose" and my friends all have too much going on to take notice. Celebrating in silence that I'm in the 150's. Healthy feels isolating and lonely. FML
Today, I went for an eye exam. The doctor asked me to read the chart on the wall and without even thinking about it, I started to call out the letters using the NATO phonetic alphabet. Nope, my time in the military has had absolutely no effect on me. FML
Today, my brother accused me of faking my bipolar disorder for attention, all because I don't act the same as the bipolar girl in some TV show he watches. FML
Today, I went to the doctor to check the dark growth I just discovered on my back. It was chocolate. FML
Today, after a necessary medical procedure that rendered my birth control ineffective, I found out I’m pregnant. I was already planning to break up with my manchild boyfriend, and when I told him this, his first response was, “What will my parents think?” Parents with whom he still lives at age 30. FML
Today, I had to call the cops at 10:30 at night because of the meth smoke from my neighbor burning my nostrils, with a heavy waft of cigarette covering it up. They never smoke cigarettes, except as a less-than-average way to cover up the drugs that I can pinpoint after being at two different shelters in Denver and Boulder. FML
Today, and for the last year, I have a disfiguring scar on my nose that I’m very self conscious about. My 4 year-old niece recently noticed it. Now every time she sees me she leans in real close and says, “What’s wrong with your face?” FML
Today, I'm a hoarder, and my boyfriend has had enough. He asked if I wanted to save an empty orange juice jug. I know this is the end of our relationship and end of my life. I'm sorting through all my stuff and deciding what to throw away and what to give away. FML
Today, even though I diet and go to the gym, due to my hypothyroidism I'm now so overweight that when I went to hospital for an unrelated check up, the gorgeous nurse actually had to press and move around my fat-filled groin to make my penis pop out of its hiding place under the skin. I hate myself. FML
Today, I was in a rush to get ready for work so I quickly shaved my legs. In my haste, I accidentally nicked myself in a very sensitive area and had to spend the day simmering in discomfort and checking my crotch every so often to make I wasn't bleeding through my pants. FML
Today, after spending weeks dealing with my 4 year-old's chronic and acute otitis, it's my 20 month-old daughter who has now got it. Its like that every damn year. Oh, and I just got bilateral otitis myself now and need antibiotics. I almost regret having children. FML
Today, I decided to get a haircut to change up my look. I asked for a bob, but the hairstylist misunderstood and gave me some sort of bowl cut. I look like a '90s sitcom character. FML
Today, I finally watched Everything Everywhere All at Once. All it did was make me feel deeply depressed, because I know I'm such an exceptional loser that I don't deserve for anyone to care about me. FML
Today, I found out one of the main causes of my depression is that my life is too sheltered and boring. My doctor and many of my friends have advised me to find a hobby. Except, everything I would like to do is either too expensive and/or impossible due to my disabilities and other mental disorders. FML
Today, it's my mother's birthday so I took her out to lunch. On the way there, we had a car accident. It was my fault. For my mother's birthday I gave her 3 broken ribs. FML
Today, after spending thousands of Euros flying back to my home country to pick up my expensive prescription medicine, I found out that I can buy it 200 meters from my current home, without prescription, and at a quarter of the price. FML
Today, I was at the gym, well intent on trying a new workout class. I was the only person in the class and the instructor was clearly disappointed. He reluctantly gave me the class but I could tell he was hating the whole experience. FML
Today, I was lying on the couch after having surgery on my stomach. My best friend and my mom thought that laughter would be the best medicine. Due to their medicine, I ripped out half my stitches. FML
Today, I have only been back at work for one week after elbow surgery, which was followed immediately by hospitalization for diabetic ketoacidosis, which caused a severe flare up of my gout. The hospital bill is over $3,200 with insurance, and I just tested positive for COVID. FML
Today, just because I have mental health issues doesn’t mean I’m the god of mental health issues. I don’t know everything. But everyone thinks I do. I want to help but it takes a piece out of me every time someone sends me someone hurting. Yes I help them, but it hurts me. FML
Today, it's so windy, I actually fell over and nearly flew into the street the moment I walked outside. FML
Today, everyone at work asked about the awful, twisted wound on my hand. I was too embarrassed to admit to having torn my skin apart with a pair of tweezers while trying to remove a splinter. FML
Today, and ever since my wife has gone onto birth control pills for her endometriosis, her time of the month now lasts for three weeks each month out of the four, and on the fourth week she gets pains and doesn't feel like sex. FML
Today, my boyfriend is packing up his apartment and my parents have gone to a seminar, but I can’t complain about being lonely during the Easter holidays. I'm being kept company by a hundred industrious ants, a very loud cat, and an enthusiastic Aunt Flo. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for a routine check-up. When the nurse took my blood pressure, I passed out, and fell off the table. FML
Today, I was in the hospital. My mom was with me and the pump was beeping for over two hours because everyone was busy with other patients. The Asian doctor came in and my mom said, “THESE PUMPS SOUND LIKE CHINESE TORTURE!“ He stared at her and was like, “Umm. We don’t actually do that there.” FML
Today, I was playing basketball with my friends. I went up for a dunk and ended up hitting my head on the rim, knocking myself out. When I came to my senses, my "friends" had all left. Assholes. FML
Today, I found out at a routine check-up that I may have asthma. How it went unnoticed until now, I do not know. I guess the world just needed to come up with a new way to make me miserable. FML
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