Health

Soapy

By Anonymous - 10/11/2022 00:00

Today, like every morning, I washed my mouthguard with bar soap. Tonight, though, I realized I hadn’t rinsed as well as I should have, there's soap between my teeth. FML

agreeclassic 266

vote type 1 704

Cool moves

By UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH - 09/11/2022 22:00

Today, I tried to open my water bottle, which is like trying to open a pickle jar, and after several seconds, it exploded all over my desk and clothes. Then, when I was going to get paper towels and a change of clothes, I slipped on the puddle and hit my head on my desk as I came crashing down. FML

agreeclassic 786

vote type 1 192

Alexa, play "Trust" by Low

By Anonymous - 09/11/2022 08:00 - United States - Berthoud

Today, I figured out that I've maybe never 100 percent completely trusted anybody, and that it's been sabotaging all my relationships. Several weeks back, my dad said something along the line that I've never trusted them. I'm 27 and my life's a mess maybe because I can't make people feel like I do. FML

agreeclassic 588

vote type 1 261

Bash the fash

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Dallas

Today, the last thing I remember before getting the shit beaten out of me at the bar, was my dipshit brother saying to me, "Dude, I'm not a racist, but…" then ranting about how non-whites should get out of America. FML

agreeclassic 31 755

vote type 1 3 428

Sensitive

By Anonymous - 08/11/2022 10:00

Today, my teeth are very sensitive and hold a grudge, so since getting a cavity fixed a month ago, I’ve had a good side and a bad side to chew on (or rather: not chew on). Unfortunately, I had to see the dentist again for another cavity, and now what used to be my bad side is now my good side. FML

agreeclassic 725

vote type 1 120

I can't win

By Anonymous - 08/11/2022 02:00

Today, I hate my body. If I eat anything at all, even a piece of fruit, I get terrible stomach cramps, and yet if I go too long without eating, I get gassy diarrhoea. FML

agreeclassic 878

vote type 1 114

Health goals

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

agreeclassic 18 618

vote type 1 2 919

Just go already!

By i…… - 07/11/2022 14:00

Today, I told my dad to go to the doctor, as he’s been hacking his lungs up every minute for a month, and I've not had a decent night’s sleep since then. He insists he’s not sick, and my mom yelled at me because she sleeps in the same room and is able to sleep through it. FML

agreeclassic 886

vote type 1 88

Tickle time

By Anonymous - 07/11/2022 12:00

Today, I'm a trained soldier with tours of duty under my belt, 6 foot tall with scars and tattoos, and yet I still can’t beat my brother in a fight because he cheats by tickling me until I can’t breathe or piss myself. FML

agreeclassic 842

vote type 1 283

What just happened?

By What did I do last night? - 07/11/2022 03:00 - United States

Today, I've been experiencing a phenomenon where I wake up in the middle of the night, check the time, realize it's the middle of the night, and go right back to sleep. Every time I wake up after falling back asleep, I feel as though me waking up earlier was just my imagination. My own brain is gaslighting me. FML

agreeclassic 701

vote type 1 128

Touch me I'm sick

By Anonymous - 06/11/2022 22:00 - Germany

Today, I went to the doctor with some serious physical symptoms that amount to being effectively disabled. She didn’t even ask any questions or examine me before telling me it was all purely psychological. I barely managed to convince her to at least order some blood tests, as a formality. FML

agreeclassic 1 009

vote type 1 135

Heartbreaking

By Anonymous - 06/11/2022 04:00 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I learned that I'm highly allergic to onions. I love onions and they're in literally *everything*. FML

agreeclassic 866

vote type 1 151

Word of the day

By Someone - 06/11/2022 04:00

Today, I've known that I'm dyspraxic for a long time. It was a real eye-opener when I found out about it, but there's still one problem: the majority of the population seems to be incapable of understanding the condition. I still get bullied for not being able to do simple tasks, even with the diagnosis. FML

agreeclassic 828

vote type 1 153

How? Why?

By WetMorning - 05/11/2022 17:00 - United States

Today, my day started with me peeing in my own face. My eye still burns. FML

agreeclassic 419

vote type 1 688

The opposite of a party

By Hooperist - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Murrieta

Today, while sick with the flu, I had the police called on me by my older neighbors downstairs. They thought I was hosting a party at 3 in the morning. I was really just throwing up constantly. FML

agreeclassic 30 779

vote type 1 1 935

Get out

By Anonymous - 05/11/2022 18:00

Today, I drove 10 hours on a broken foot to get away, because my drunk dad decided to shove me to the ground multiple times, and now I have to get fusion surgery on my foot. I also found out he’s trying to get me arrested for burglary. FML

agreeclassic 1 038

vote type 1 137

Unfair dismissal

By Anonymous - 05/11/2022 12:00 - Germany

Today, I got fired because I was “constantly sick”. Constantly in this case meaning: the one time the entire office had Covid, including myself, plus 4 single days in a whole year. FML

agreeclassic 1 291

vote type 1 164

Scary season ain't over just yet

By Anonymous - 05/11/2022 00:00

Today, I awoke to a series of almighty explosions in the middle of the night. Turns out I fell asleep with my AirPods in to a “Soothing rain” soundtrack, which had turned to “Storms and thunder” at some point. I pissed the bed. FML

agreeclassic 940

vote type 1 399

Bushy

By bluedevil26 - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

agreeclassic 50 132

vote type 1 12 776

Bad timing

By Sorry granny - 04/11/2022 12:00 - United States

Today, I learned that when a fly goes up your shirt into your armpit, it tickles very badly. I also found out that it's hard to explain this to your mother while she's trying to have a serious conversation with you about your grandmother's rapidly deteriorating health. FML

agreeclassic 928

vote type 1 155

Hit and trundle

By Anonymous - 04/11/2022 14:00

Today, it was supposed to be my last day of work before flying off on my first foreign holiday in 4 years. Some bastard on an electric scooter ran into me at the bus stop and broke my leg so badly the doctors say I need pins and a metal cage. Waiting for surgery now. So long holiday, maybe next year, eh? FML

agreeclassic 1 171

vote type 1 110

Hangry

By Pam - 04/11/2022 06:00 - Chile - Santiago

Today, I accidentally dropped the batch of bread that was ready for the oven, after waiting for two hours. We have nothing else to eat. FML

agreeclassic 883

vote type 1 193

Theater kid issues

By Belle - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Berwyn

Today, all of the long hours I've spent rehearsing paid off because tonight I'll be the lead at the opening show of my school musical. This is a dream come true. Too bad I just got bronchitis. FML

agreeclassic 20 767

vote type 1 1 460

Bruxism

By tiptoppc - 04/11/2022 00:00

Today, after waking up from a bad migraine which caused my teeth to clench, I found out that I broke a molar. A dentist told me it split down to the bone, so I need root canal and an extended crown. Then they told me the tooth below had also broke and has to be pulled. FML

agreeclassic 951

vote type 1 86

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 03/11/2022 12:00 - Germany

Today, the doctor saw in my file that I was 39 and asked me straight away, “How many kids do you have?” Not IF I had kids, just how many. Sure, a woman's main purpose is to procreate. What else could she want from life? FML

agreeclassic 986

vote type 1 470

Growing old sucks

By Anonymous - 03/11/2022 05:00 - United States

Today, I'm celebrating one year of retirement. Also, almost one year of recovering from a broken leg, quickly followed by a broken hip. I may never walk correctly again. FML

agreeclassic 900

vote type 1 114

BOOM!

By Timmay - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was on the deck of a sailboat and I started feeling seasick. I bent over the edge to throw up. After I stood back up, the wind changed direction and the boom swung around, knocking me into the open ocean. FML

agreeclassic 45 477

vote type 1 4 835

It's my face

By Hamza - 02/11/2022 22:00 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, I took my friend to the hospital because he was sick. The doctor started asking me questions, as he thought I was the sick one. When I told him I wasn't sick, my friend was, he said, "You look more sick than him." FML

agreeclassic 862

vote type 1 122

It all adds up

By Anonymous - 02/11/2022 12:00

Today, I went to hospital for a potential stomach bug. According to a CT scan, I also found out that I have uterine fibroids as well. Yay for being a woman. FML

agreeclassic 836

vote type 1 112

PANIC!

By big time traumatized - 02/11/2022 10:00

Today, my husband drank way too much white wine at a wedding and projectile vomited all over me and my car while I was driving. We were 5 miles from home and I have emetophobia (the fear of vomit/vomiting). FML

agreeclassic 854

vote type 1 181

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, my best friend called me a slut during an argument, and I couldn't stop myself from laughing. She lost her virginity at 13 years-old, and all four of her kids have a different dad. When I mentioned it, she gave me a black eye. FML

agreeclassic 698

vote type 1 179

Today, I realized my gym crush has only been smiling at me because I’ve been using the equipment completely wrong for weeks. FML

agreeclassic 316

vote type 1 209

Today, I went to city hall to pay for a parking ticket. After returning to my truck, I found a parking ticket on my window. FML

agreeclassic 11 246

vote type 1 28 090

Today, I was relaxing in the bath with oils and candles and a new book when my husband burst in with diarrhoea, filled the toilet, polluted the air, and knocked my new book into the bathwater. Then, while washing his hands, he asked if I wanted an oil covered shag. Romantic, right? FML

agreeclassic 450

vote type 1 88

Today, my husband spent our entire anniversary sulking because I wasn't up for sex. I gave birth to our first child less than two weeks ago. FML

agreeclassic 42 952

vote type 1 6 517

Today, my 2-year-old told me he found a new finger puppet. It was a used condom. FML

agreeclassic 21 473

vote type 1 31 261