Health

Looks like we made it… Oh.

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 23:01 - United States - San Jose

Today, I went on a walk with my family because I'm trying to be more active. We were near my son's school when I got a grumbling in my stomach. I rushed to find a place to take a dump. As I approached a Porta-Potty, my ass couldn't hold it any longer and I shit myself 20 feet away from the toilet. FML

agreeclassic 1 353

vote type 1 203

Mystery

By DaigCrainielson - 12/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Sun Valley

Today, I found out I had 3/4s of a Cheezit stuck in my sinus. No one knows how it got there, but the doctors found it while testing for COVID. I have an appointment soon to remove it. FML

agreeclassic 1 070

vote type 1 235

Hello from the other side

By losthusband - 11/10/2020 20:01 - United States

Today, my pregnant wife and I got separated while out shopping. She ended up having meltdown and crying so hard the manager had to call me over the PA. FML

agreeclassic 1 214

vote type 1 217

Please like me

By Stupid-Brain - 06/10/2020 09:59

Today, like every other time for as long as I can remember, even the slightest suggestion that someone doesn't want to be around me sends me into a major panic attack. I've been in therapy for three years to try and handle my anxiety. FML

agreeclassic 1 199

vote type 1 237

Thanks for the support!

By Anonymous - 05/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Today, I told my mom that I struggle with depression. She then told me that she thinks that I always seem to suck the life out of a room. FML

agreeclassic 1 216

vote type 1 246

With friends like these…

By Anonymous - 04/10/2020 05:01

Today, I told my “best friend” that I'd tested positive for COVID-19. She told me to “chill”. Ten years of friendship and she didn’t even ask if I was OK. FML

agreeclassic 1 132

vote type 1 288

Clean break

By Anonymous - 03/10/2020 20:01

Today, I simultaneously learned that fracturing your penis is a thing that can happen while my wife fractured mine in the middle of some rough reverse cowgirl. My penis is now black and blue with an almost 90 degree bend, and to make it worse the ambulance guys thought it was funny. FML

agreeclassic 1 583

vote type 1 290

You had to ask

By Bryan - 30/09/2020 17:01 - United States

Today, I was working out with my trainer. A question popped up in my mind, so I asked if she had to deal with fat people a lot. She then responded, "I'm working with you, aren't I?" FML

agreeclassic 541

vote type 1 1 499

Almost there, we're almost there…

By Anonymous - 26/09/2020 08:02 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I was rushing to walk home because my stomach was upset. I dodged multiple people, getting closer and closer, got my front door open, got up my stairs, and then lost control of my bowels on the top step. FML

agreeclassic 1 383

vote type 1 107

Ambien conversations are the worst

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 23:02

Today, my close friend messaged me, asking if she could still move in. I don't remember the conversation we had saying that she could move in in the first place. I live in a one bedroom apartment. I have no idea what to say. FML

agreeclassic 1 287

vote type 1 222

Not now, 2020

By Anonymous - 21/09/2020 17:02 - United States

Today, I found out I have endometriosis… Which doesn't mix well with a horny boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 1 397

vote type 1 129

Intense

By counterproductive - 21/09/2020 11:01 - United States

Today, after I'd finally decided to see a doctor about my anxiety and insomnia, I was so nervous about what the doctor would think of me that I had anxiety attacks that kept me from sleeping a wink all night. I ended up oversleeping and missing the appointment I was so nervous about. FML

agreeclassic 1 451

vote type 1 267

Mr. Burns

By Anonymous - 20/09/2020 17:00 - United States

Today, I put icy hot on my aching shoulders, like I have been for several days. They seemed extra tender today, and it wasn't until the burning started that I realized I had put icy hot directly on a very angry sunburn. FML

agreeclassic 969

vote type 1 531

This woman's work

By Anonymous - 19/09/2020 17:02 - Germany - Aachen

Today, I looked at pictures of myself from 20 years ago when I was a teenager and realized I have only about a quarter of my hair left. I'm a woman. FML

agreeclassic 1 226

vote type 1 103

Where is my mind?

By brainfart - 19/09/2020 10:01

Today, I was put on a medication for severe migraines. One of the side effects is difficulty concentrating and word recall. I was writing a paper and sat there trying to remember how to spell "isn't." This medication better work. FML

agreeclassic 1 189

vote type 1 116

In for the long haul

By PoopyNuts - 18/09/2020 23:01

Today, my very financially stable grandparents bought my girlfriend and I two first class tickets on Air Emirates, which to me is a once in a lifetime opportunity. To my dismay, my colon did not approve of the peanuts and I spent the whole flight shitting out what seemed to be molten rocks. FML

agreeclassic 1 413

vote type 1 228

Zzzzzzzzzz

By Anonymous - 15/09/2020 13:31 - India - Delhi

Today, I fell asleep in the middle of an online class. Now everyone calls me Sleeping Beauty. FML

agreeclassic 681

vote type 1 1 108

Second class citizen

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, I got told I am not a good fit for a company because I'm disabled. But that's OK, I can volunteer for the same role, as I don't really need to work anyway, because I'm disabled apparently. FML

agreeclassic 1 657

vote type 1 414

Deadly cocktail

By blame the maid - 13/09/2020 17:02 - United States

Today, my very sheltered girlfriend decided to surprise me by cleaning our apartment. Although she grew up with housekeepers and maids, I thought it was common knowledge that you don’t try cleaning the bathroom with both bleach and ammonia. We still can’t go back inside our place. FML

agreeclassic 1 679

vote type 1 183

DIY decoration tips

By CoyoteOldOne - 12/09/2020 08:59 - United States - Denver

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "Fuck off!" "Sharp!" "Do not fucking touch!" "Go away!" "Do not fucking throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

agreeclassic 1 177

vote type 1 322

Big tongue logging on

By Anonymous - 09/09/2020 23:01 - United States - Norwich

Today, I spent seven dollars to find out I’m allergic to kiwi. FML

agreeclassic 1 111

vote type 1 189

Extreme late fees

By Martin - 08/09/2020 23:01 - Switzerland

Today, I had an appointment to pull some wisdom teeth. I wrote the wrong time in my calendar. Showed up an hour late and they didn't pull the one tooth that actually hurts. Now I've got the pay for the time I was late, plus wait until November to pull the rest. I waited 5 months for this appointment due to the coronavirus. FML

agreeclassic 777

vote type 1 1 368

Fancy a pint?

By Anonymous - 04/09/2020 22:02 - United States - Tyler

Today, while I was relaxing outside drinking a beer after a long day, a moth decided to fly right into my ear canal. I instinctively threw my hand up to swat it out. With the same hand holding the beer. I soaked the side of my face and down my ear. At least I got the bug out. FML

agreeclassic 1 006

vote type 1 322

More faces than Khloé Kardashian

By Anonymous - 03/09/2020 02:00 - United States - Bronx

Today, my mom told me she'd scheduled me for a cleaning with my hometown dentist. When I reminded her that, according to my university's COVID guidelines, students shouldn't leave the county unless there's an emergency, she threw a hissy fit and told me I'm being "combative" and "looking for an excuse to fight." FML

agreeclassic 1 417

vote type 1 216

Send virtual hugs

By Anonymous - 02/09/2020 02:01

Today, I'm jealous of people who get to hug. My mom has banned hugs in the house because of COVID-19, and the only person I've hugged in the last 6 months is my boyfriend. He's been away for work for the past month and a half. FML

agreeclassic 1 399

vote type 1 431

F*** my overweight life

By Xibalba - 01/09/2020 14:02

Today, my 5-year-old daughter drew a picture of our family. A typical drawing for a 5-year-old. Sticks and straws. One had two round shapes on its chest. "Is that mommy and is that one me?" I asked. "No daddy," she said. "You’re this one," she said while pointing out the one with boobs. FML

agreeclassic 1 340

vote type 1 478

Childfree

By Anonymous - 01/09/2020 04:57 - Germany

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I want to get my tubes tied, because I don’t want kids and can’t stand the fear of getting pregnant by accident, despite contraception, which has happened before. He summarized: “So, the main point is to preserve your fertility, right?” Wrong. FML

agreeclassic 1 813

vote type 1 318

Slippery slope

By bailey1389 - 26/08/2020 02:02 - United States

Today, I slipped on my son's Hot Wheels cars and fell onto a building made out of Lego. I now have a fractured tailbone and a broken wrist. I called my husband to tell him what happened and all he could do was laugh. My son didn't leave them on the floor, my husband did. FML

agreeclassic 1 772

vote type 1 215

Heartless

By Anonymous - 24/08/2020 02:02

Today, I received a positive Covid-19 test. Despite being largely asymptomatic, the company I work for decided that I've behaved with "gross neglect" by coming to work in an attempt to support the company's ambition, and promptly fired me with no benefits. FML

agreeclassic 1 706

vote type 1 1 570

The struggle is real

By WiredUp - 21/08/2020 13:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my step-kids proudly announced that their mum lets them drink coffee at her house. They both have ADD and I've been struggling for months to get them to eat right. Hello futility. FML

agreeclassic 1 417

vote type 1 188

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, my newly ex-fiancé, the father of my 5-year-old child, moved out of state with no warning. I just spent my last $500 paying off his car, and the rent is due tomorrow. FML

agreeclassic 27 707

vote type 1 6 256

Today, I found out that my "mosquito bite" was in fact a jellyfish sting I got in Mexico, which has caused me to break out into horrendous hives in the airport waiting for the flight home. It's okay though, the plane is only delayed for 7 hours. FML

agreeclassic 25 633

vote type 1 1 855

Today, I realized that there are only two things that make me stay with my current girlfriend: the sex and her Nintendo Switch. FML

agreeclassic 325

vote type 1 1 589

Today, I think I found out just how many times I've ordered through UberEats when my delivery guy told me that, "We should stop seeing each other like this!" with a chuckle. FML

agreeclassic 1 522

vote type 1 530

Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML

agreeclassic 1 019

vote type 1 991

Today, according to my wife, if we hadn’t gotten drunk and pregnant on the first date, she never would've chosen me to be her husband, as I’m not her type, not even close, and that frankly I’m lucky her Catholic upbringing was the only thing that stopped her having multiple affairs. FML

agreeclassic 732

vote type 1 182