Food

Policy of truth

By Anonymous - 29/04/2025 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got home to my daughter in tears because her dad decided 5 was the ideal age to tell her the chicken, bacon, and mince she eats every day comes from dead chickens, piggies, and moo cows. I now have a vegetarian 5 year-old and I’m seriously worried about malnutrition and stunted growth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 454

You deserved it 173

Crunchy

By Anonymous - 26/04/2025 22:00 - United States - Benson

Today, I was running late for work, so I grabbed a cheap sandwich from a gas station. As I rushed to take a bite, I bit into something unexpectedly hard. I thought it was a tough bit of bacon, or some sort of nut, but realized it was a small plastic fork that had been helpfully hidden inside my sandwich. I'd already swallowed half of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 375

You deserved it 144

Go vegan for the economy

By Anonymous - 21/04/2025 00:00 - United States - Eugene

Today, I argued with my roommate about which eggs to buy: organic, pasture-raised, free-range, or AI-verified climate-positive. We settled on whatever was cheapest. They were $9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 185

You deserved it 384

Spicy shit

By DMStarsky - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I ate a bowl of my girlfriend's homemade chili. She went a little heavy on the spices, but I ate it anyway. An hour later, I can now say that if it burns going in, it will explode coming out your rear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 913

You deserved it 4 828

Bon appétit, boys

By Anonymous - 14/04/2025 20:00 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I made dinner for myself after a long day full of annoying family drama. I had the pan sizzling away when I went to grab some herbs from the fridge. As I turned around, I tripped on the rug, sending the entire frying pan of food flying into the air. It landed directly in front of my never-endingly hungry dogs, so I watched as my ruined dinner disappeared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 138

Pet peeve

By MY CHIPS - 14/04/2025 00:00 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I got home from work to see that not only had my wife opened my bag of potato chips, she'd ripped it all down the side and left it open all day without a clip. Now my chips are stale. She has a whole bag of her favorite flavor, unopened, right next to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 111

Anti-stink measures

By Sardine man - 13/04/2025 03:00 - United States - New York

Today, my coworkers surprised me with a bunch of gift cards to Panera, Chick-fil-A, Chipotle, and other nearby fast food places, as well as an "Easy Work Lunches" cookbook. When I reacted with shock, they said, "We're all so sick of you eating cans of sardines in the break room everyday. Please eat anything else." FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 777

All mine

By Anonymous - 12/04/2025 22:00 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, feeling generous, I bought a dozen donuts for my coworkers. Instead, I ended up taking them into my office and eating all of them in the first hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89

You deserved it 563

Feed me and shut up

By a fatty - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it's for a coworker. I eat them both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 805

You deserved it 36 648

Are you winning?

By Anonymous - 07/04/2025 15:00 - United States - Akron

Today, I bought grapes. Just grapes. At the checkout, the total was $14. I laughed. The cashier didn’t. Now I'll be eating one grape a day like it's caviar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 123

Worst teeth in the game

By Anonymous - 02/04/2025 12:00 - Australia

Today, I bit into a burrito and felt something hard crunch. I spit it out and found a small tooth. It was mine. I'd managed to break my tooth on a burrito. I had to go to the dentist, and the hygienist giggled a bit too much about the reason why it was getting fixed. I now have a strong suspicion of burritos which will probably never go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 84

Cleanse week

By Anonymous - 26/03/2025 20:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, I have to pretend to be vegan for a week while visiting my in-laws to avoid eating there. While they are absolutely wonderful, kind, loving people, their kitchen is absolutely disgusting, and their food handling habits are atrocious. I’m so hungry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 138

Hangry

By Anonymous - 25/03/2025 00:00 - Canada

Today, McDonald's screwed up my order 3 whole times. GIVE ME MY NUGGETS PLEASE. HOW CAN SOMEONE MAGICALLY FORGET 40 NUGGETS? FML

I agree, your life sucks 367

You deserved it 167

Monday monday

By Anonymous - 24/03/2025 12:00 - United States

Today, I opened my lunch at work to discover that my sandwich was a soggy mess. The Tupperware I'd put it in was a piece of crap, and all the mayo had leaked out. I tried to salvage it but then spilled the whole thing in my lap. I ended up eating my lunch with a plastic fork, and even my fingers, like an angry animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 355

You deserved it 132

We'll just order out

By Lili - 22/03/2025 09:00 - United States - Akron

Today, I cooked dinner for my boyfriend, hoping to impress him with my culinary skills. I burnt the garlic bread, overcooked the chicken, and managed to set off the smoke alarm three times. When I finally served the meal, my boyfriend said, "It's like a sad buffet at a middle school prom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 347

You deserved it 280

As a treat

By CrumblGirl - 06/03/2025 22:00 - United States

Today, I bought myself a Crumbl cookie as a treat for losing 20lbs. Upon seeing it, my mom screamed at me for cheating on my diet and how I was going to "gain all the weight back" and insisted she eat some of it to "help me out." She left behind a tiny morsel of the cookie with a chocolate chip chunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 471

You deserved it 149

Sunday funday

By Anonymous - 02/03/2025 03:00 - United States

Today, I spilled a bottle of honey on the floor while preparing breakfast. As I frantically tried to clean it up, my cat deemed it the perfect opportunity to slide and pad through the sticky mess like a slip-n-slide. Now, I have a honey-coated cat, a ruined floor, and a sticky mess to clean up before my roommates get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 377

You deserved it 123

Drive thru

By ToxicFamily - 17/02/2025 09:00 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my entitled brother-in-law called me unannounced as I was having lunch and asked if I had food for him and his wife. I said, "The food I have at home will only be enough for my husband." Now I'm the villain for not cooking enough for sudden unexpected mealtime visitors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 554

You deserved it 84

Rocks

By Anonymous - 05/02/2025 12:00 - United States

Today, I baked my boyfriend his favorite cookies for his birthday. Well, I tried. I followed the recipe, but they somehow turned out diamond hard. When he tried to bite into one, he chipped a tooth. Instead of being mad, he laughed and said, “At least you tried.” Now I’m stuck with inedible cookies and a dentist's bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 150

What is wrong with me?

By Anonymous - 04/02/2025 09:00 - United States

Today, after I randomly started having mild stomach rumbling in the mornings, I went to the hospital and the doctor simply told me that I had to eat more, I took his advice but it didn't work. Now I’m 6 hospital visits down the line and my stomach is so loud the sounds made could fill a hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 392

You deserved it 76

Yummy

By Anonymous - 03/02/2025 12:00 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I was running late for work and skipped breakfast. At a red light, I noticed a granola bar in my bag and so I took a bite, only to realize it was actually a dog treat I'd stuffed in there days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 181

You deserved it 458

New receipe just dropped

By Anonymous - 29/01/2025 20:00 - United States - Glendale

Today, feeling ravenous and hungover, I sneakily ate my roommate’s leftover pizza. Halfway through, I realized it wasn’t pizza, it was a frozen waffle with ketchup and cheese they’d left in the box as a trap. I fell for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 1 107

He's onto you

By No way, doggy - 25/01/2025 00:00 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I tried to sneak some cookies out of the pantry without my dog noticing. I dropped one, and now he thinks that every time I open the pantry, it’s snack time. He won’t stop barking at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 321

You deserved it 193

Date night

By Anonymous - 19/01/2025 03:00

Today, I sneezed while eating a bowl of soup. As I did, a glob of carrot shot out of my nose like a missile, and I couldn’t stop laughing. My boyfriend, who was sitting across from me, wasn’t so amused when the glob splashed all over his white shirt. He’s now mad at me for “ruining his only smart shirt.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 342

You deserved it 190

Handle with care

By Anonymous - 05/01/2025 15:00 - United States

Today, I went through a drive-thru and ordered a milkshake. When the cashier handed it to me, for some unknown reason I confidently grabbed the lid instead of the cup. Guess who’s now wearing the milkshake? FML

I agree, your life sucks 182

You deserved it 471

Doggy dog world

By badwolf - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I bought some bitter-apple spray to stop my puppy chewing on everything. Later, I found out how effective it was, when I tried to eat a sandwich, and gagged at the horrifying taste on my hands. My dog seems unaffected, and continues to chew the table legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 051

You deserved it 4 289

Peckish

By Ethan - 21/12/2024 03:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I ordered a mountain of junk food for myself on Deliveroo. Embarrassed, I pretended there was other people in the house by yelling, "Food’s here, everyone!" to avoid judgment. The delivery guy smiled and said, "Come on, be honest mate, no one else is in there is there?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 153

You deserved it 644

Suspected

By Anonymous - 09/12/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I was been accused of stealing lunches from the fridge at work. I’m a huge germaphobe and would NEVER eat someone else’s food, but because I’m the fattest one in the office, everyone automatically blamed me. Hashtag fatgirlproblems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 699

You deserved it 178

Chance encounter of the morning

By Gale - 06/12/2024 15:00 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I tried to get a picture of a cute cat while on my morning walk. The cat didn't run away scared, it was even as if he knew it was "strike a pose" time. Then, out of nowhere, a seagull swooped down and stole my breakfast bagel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 307

You deserved it 258

Throwing a dinner

By Cathy - 01/12/2024 09:00 - United States - Burlington

Today, I hosted a family dinner. I made a roast, potatoes, green beans, and homemade bread. Everything went smoothly until I realized halfway through I'd used powdered sugar instead of flour. No one noticed at first, then my aunt asked in horror, “Why's it taste like cake?” The rest of the meal was eyed suspiciously and I almost fainted from the stress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 268

You deserved it 349

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The Top

Today, I learned that instead of training my cat, she has been training me. She now refuses to drink anything but running tap water, and yowls loudly early in the morning at my bedroom door to be fed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 317

You deserved it 8 062

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 167

You deserved it 6 229

Today, I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told her I didn't have a condom. She started laughing and upon realizing my look of confusion, said "Oh, you actually thought I was going to have sex with you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 609

You deserved it 18 002

Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 989

You deserved it 469

Today, my wife and I invited my boss over for dinner, specifically warning her not to bring her children due to our house not being childproof. She surprised us by walking in with her toddlers. They both shat on our carpets, then my dog knocked them into a wall. I guess I'll start looking for another job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 761

You deserved it 220

Today, and for the past 2 years, my aunt has owed me money. She just admitted that she fell for a scam, and gave the scammer more than double the amount I'd loaned her. I felt bad for her… until I realized something. When I asked how she had it to give to them, but not to pay me back, she got mad and hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 512

You deserved it 88