Today, my mom kept swearing and punished me while I was in an online lesson. I almost got punished by the teacher as well. FML
Today, I had to tell my ex-husband I’m a lesbian. I’m not, he just keeps trying to win me back, but it worked, he now thinks there’s no chance for us. Unfortunately, he mentioned it to my mom, who “always suspected” and is now obsessively trying to set me up with every lesbian she knows. FML
Today, I had my window open while playing my Xbox when my angry neighbour came over and kicked my ass for spying on his wife in the shower. Apparently, my room is opposite their bathroom, but my TV faces the opposite way, so I wasn’t even facing the right direction to be spying. Plus, his wife is ugly. FML
Today, I'm so confused. My husband had a vasectomy years ago, yet a bunch of symptoms and five pregnancy tests all say I’m pregnant. I’ve never cheated on him, but if a baby suddenly appears, there’s no way he won’t think I’m a cheater. FML
Today, I found out that my work threw me a birthday party alongside my coworker’s birthday. Said coworker spread a rumor, telling everyone that I wanted each person to buy me flowers and cake. Everyone thought that I was a weirdo for asking for those things from them. I wasn't at work today. FML
Today, I went in to get a sub sandwich. I asked the guy behind the counter if he could please put extra pickles on it. He looked at my stomach, and then put a huge handful of them on. I'm not pregnant, just fat. FML
Today, I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway. Made it on only to find out that it was standing by for ten minutes. I then got to ride all the way to work with a train full of people who watched me fall. FML
Today, my husband refused to let my mother move in with us. He said he’d rather buy her another house than let her move in, then he actually threatened divorce before he’d let her move in. He’s never been this stubborn before about anything. I don’t get it. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend didn’t know what quotation marks are. He’s 34. FML
Today, after my mother, who was a loving and gentle soul, died, I’ve moved in permanently with my stepmom, whom I’d never met. Her very first words to me were, “Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am your mother now. If you make even ONE mistake, I will literally rip your fucking throat out.” FML
Today, according to my husband's brother, he only went on a second date with me all those years ago because I gave him head on our first date. His father and stepmother supported this claim as well. I can’t decide if I’m more embarrassed they know, or furious that he told them something so crude. FML
Today, after having insomnia and also being constantly woken in the middle of the night by spam texts, I turned my notifications off and fell asleep, forgetting I had done so - until a few days later when I discovered my friends two day-old text telling me he has incurable cancer. I've apologized profusely, but he’s ghosted me. FML
Today, I rushed from work so I could get to the library to return a book that was due. The library closes at 7:00 p.m. I arrived at 6:56, huffing and puffing. The lady saw me, slammed the door in my face, and locked it. I now have to pay a late fee for 4 minutes. FML
Today, I told my best friend that there was a time that I loved her, then told her it was today, yesterday, last week, last month, last year, and listed several years before that, etc. Her response? "Wow, I can't believe we've known each other that long." FML
Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend at the mall. The one who I faked my death to back in Texas so I wouldn’t have to tell her I was leaving for someone else. She moved to Florida too. What a small world. FML
Today, I'm on my period and super bloated. My husband laid down next to me and said, "Hey pretty lady, wanna have a good time? Let me stick my pin in and let some of that air out", then made a deflating noise with a hand movement. FML
Today, after two months of being apart from my wife of five years, who'd returned to Panama to deal with a family issue, she innocently slips into conversation that she’s been hanging out with her high school boyfriend. When challenged, she responded, “You get to see me all the time!” FML
Today, at work I asked a cute, albeit slightly large customer, her name. Being hard of hearing, I thought she said "Porky" and asked her about it. Turns out she'd said Courtney. FML
Today, my therapist started laughing at me whilst I was telling my story. He said, "Sorry, I can't help it" and burst out laughing. FML
Today, I had a party at my house. When my parents came home, my dad asked how the party was. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, to which he responded, "Well, the puke all over the driveway begs to differ." FML
Today, my brother woke me up by hitting me in the face with a rubber dildo. FML
Today, I washed my sheets. They wouldn't dry quick enough, so I had to use my old Buzz Lightyear sheets. My new girlfriend took it upon herself to become a damn psychic and pay me a surprise visit right there and then. FML
Today, I was delivering food for GrubHub. I spilled a tiny portion of the customer’s lemonade. It was not enough to notice any was missing, but enough to notice. The customer was an attractive guy, who thought I peed my pants. FML
Today, I got bored while studying, so I sent my boyfriend a couple of topless pics of me doing my calculus homework. I captioned them, “Who says nerds can’t be sexy?” with hearts and wink emojis. Too bad I sent the last one to my tutor instead of my man. Whoops. FML
Today, my sister’s son, who adores me, started calling me, “my funny uncle.” I was later informed this is also a euphemism for an uncle who molested you. I didn't know, and now he won’t stop saying it. FML
Today, my mom is becoming a Wiccan, at least that’s the lie I told the neighbours when they demanded to know why my mom was smoking weed naked, waving charms around, and dancing amongst our trees. I actually have no idea what she was doing, and when she sobered up, she had no idea why she did it either. FML
Today, I was doing a family genealogy project. I accidentally discovered that my grandfather couldn't possibly be my mom’s biological father. When I started asking questions, my mom flipped shit, confronted her mom, and the whole mess came out. Now everyone is pissed at me. FML
Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML
Today, after being friends with a guy, age 35, for a year, he asked if we could progress the relationship romantically. I'm keen but it's been a month, and the closest touching we have done is a hug. Slowest relationship ever. FML
Today, I had to slowly and very seriously explain to my mother why there is no 'White History Month'. I can't believe we are actually related. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
