Alcohol

Lightweight

By Anonymous - 30/06/2023 18:00

Today, I threw up on the subway. Luckily, because I hadn’t eaten all week, it was just the seven pints of beer I'd had previously chugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131

You deserved it 1 670

Geyser Söze

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 14:01

Today, I found out why my B&B host looked so pissed this morning. I remember having too much red wine and puking out the window last night. Turns out the lampshade underneath the window spread my puke all over the freshly painted wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 427

You deserved it 2 095

This is the rhythm of the night

By rikitsumiatsu - 10/04/2020 02:00

Today, my wife showed me a video she took of me last night. I was shit-faced, dancing half naked to '90s club music in the middle of the street at midnight. She won't stop laughing at me and replaying the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 2 298

Bad idea

By 315 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 726

You deserved it 46 610

By Blie - 04/09/2018 20:30

Today, I was so drunk that I pissed myself in a hotel hallway while wearing a dress. My shoes squished all the way back to the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 071

You deserved it 4 242

Highlight of the wedding

By Anonymous - 24/10/2022 22:00

Today, despite his promise not to, my dad got completely shitfaced at my wedding reception. When we found him, he was passed out on the toilet with his pants down, penis out, and he’d shit all over himself, the toilet, and the floor. I thought I could trust him just this once, but now he’s dead to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 531

You deserved it 202

Not a good look

By Sean - 07/12/2024 07:00 - United States - Kansas City

Today, it's day one of my suspension and probably being fired from my job. Why? I accidentally took a beer out my bag instead of a soda, then got distracted working to make sure everything got done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 608

Hot lava

By bubba7901 - 19/03/2021 10:59

Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 342

Top of the morning to ya

By Anonymous - 11/09/2012 13:32 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I was sitting at a bus stop reading a book when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a middle-aged lady in a leopard-skin coat stumble up to me. She stopped, belched twice, and unleashed a torrent of red wine colored vomit onto my bag. It was 8:45 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 719

You deserved it 1 640

About to Popov

By badmom - 27/03/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was packing my son's lunch and we'd ran out of water bottles. I asked my 16 year-old to run to the store. She didn't want to, but gave me one she had. After dropping my son off, my daughter frantically told me she'd made a mistake. I sent my second grader to school with a bottle of vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 359

You deserved it 17 985

By Anonymous - 15/08/2011 02:39 - Reserved

Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 063

You deserved it 7 032

In vino veritas

By Buzz - 29/11/2008 16:11 - France

Today, my husband invited his boss and his wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologised for its bad quality, saying somewhat annoyed, "Don't drink that, I'll go and look for another bottle." Unfortunately, it was our guests who had brought the wine in question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 125

You deserved it 11 062

By Eric - 13/05/2011 02:19

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 659

You deserved it 2 907

Driven to drink

By Anonymous - 23/07/2023 15:00

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying to dispose of several empty alcohol bottles, leading to a discussion how dating me and putting up with my insanity has given him a drinking problem just so he can get through the day. Me catching him seemed to be the wake up call he needed, because he dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 362

You deserved it 918

Boozed up

By AuntSucka - 08/11/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I let my nephew and his friend spend the night to watch movies. After I fell asleep, they stole my liquor and went roaming. When they saw the cop car in front of my house and realized they were busted, they went up to the cop and told them I gave them the alcohol to avoid being grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 633

You deserved it 3 701

More than I'd like to know

By Anonymous - 26/06/2023 22:00

Today, I had to restrain my neighbour because he and his wife were so stoned that they were trying to have sex on my lawn. I got close enough to find out they have matching genital piercings, a ring through her clitoris and an identical ring in his penis. I need therapy, or alcohol, lots of alcohol FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 174

Heavy lifting

By Anonymous - 04/12/2023 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised I may have a drinking problem when the recycling bin was due to go out and I physically couldn’t move the bin. I thought my kids might have put a rock in there but no, it was weighed down by the sheer weight of two weeks worth of wine bottles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140

You deserved it 816

Reliable

By Anonymous - 01/01/2025 15:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I loudly proclaimed my New Year’s resolution was to stop drinking. I made this declaration while holding a margarita in one hand and a beer in the other, in the middle of a rowdy New Year's Eve party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 574

By Matt - 13/07/2012 19:06 - United States

Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriend's house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 351

You deserved it 57 847

Liquid fun

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 019

You deserved it 4 022

Bored

By Anonymous - 17/12/2020 22:58 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my alcoholic dad finally came to see to my last dance recital after years of never showing up to watch me. He got kicked out of the audience for snoring too loud. I could hear him from the stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 173

You deserved it 80

Not in the mood

By prettybich - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I'm severely hungover. Upon returning home, I came to find that both of the elevators were out of order. I live on the 12th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 414

You deserved it 36 719

Oh no…

By probably_the_ex_now - 18/08/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy, and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 972

You deserved it 97 620

Poetry in politics

By blondie101 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 994

You deserved it 100 489

I take the fifth

By Anonymous - 19/08/2022 06:00

Today, my roommate, who is an alcoholic in denial, comes up to me and tells me she knows I told on her, and is angry at me. The facility we live at is for people in recovery. Her boyfriend is coming over to “confront me.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 134

You or the both of you?

By Anonymous - 03/10/2023 17:02 - United States

Today, I celebrated my friend's 5-month sobriety milestone with her by getting absolutely wasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 126

You deserved it 1 252

Helpful

By knuckleheadknock - 10/11/2016 02:11

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 428

You deserved it 705

Boozehound

By not an alchy - 09/05/2021 19:59

Today, my boyfriend tried to confront me about my “drinking problem”. He claims that the last time he was at my place, I had a full bottle of rum and now it’s gone. He hasn’t spent the night at my house in over two months and it was a half bottle of Malibu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 130

Daddy issues

By Anonymous - 19/01/2022 07:59 - Colombia

Today, I met my wife’s father, an alcoholic who'd abandoned her, for the first time. She now has to support him financially. The guy is a piece of shit, but after we left, she fucked me more vigorously than I thought possible. I’m planning to see this turd again, just for the benefit of my sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 441

You deserved it 1 568

Cut your losses

By Sober_smashley - 16/06/2023 10:00

Today, my alcoholic boyfriend, who's in jail for violating his conditional bond, told me I'd better not have even one drop of alcohol while he's gone. Oh, and he expects $250 of commissary each week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 642

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was arrested for a crime that happened 27 years ago. I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 612

You deserved it 146

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 643

You deserved it 16 911

Today, I installed an alarm app on my phone. Turns out, to unlock the phone and get the ringing to stop, I have to answer a maths question. It took me ten minutes to get it right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 927

You deserved it 33 066

Today, my coworker spilled sticky fruit glaze all over my cake display cake and left it overnight uncleaned. The same display case I spent 2 hours cleaning the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 576

You deserved it 168

Today, my 18 year-old son threatened to sue a store because they refused to give him a senior discount, at which point he trashed the store in a blind rage, and got banned for life. That would make more sense if he was actually a senior, not a senior in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 966

You deserved it 393

Today, I snuck out to go see my girlfriend. When I got to her house, I left my bike out front and we went on a nice walk around the block. We passed a homeless-looking woman going the opposite way. About ten minutes later, the same woman passed us, on my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 916

You deserved it 10 996