Miscellaneous: Today, I found out I was an alcoholic. Not from my friends or... - FML

By KyngJulian - 23/04/2013 02:48 - United States

Today, I found out I was an alcoholic. Not from my friends or family, but because the ice-maker couldn't keep up with the amount of drinks I've been making. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 638

You deserved it 19 668

Commando

The smell detective is on the case

Road angst

By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 17:53 - Canada

Today, I am pregnant, and my boyfriend dumped me, saying that he didn't want to be stuck in anything too serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 244

You deserved it 10 005

By Anonymous - 26/09/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 059

You deserved it 7 930

By tammylauraine - 29/02/2012 18:21 - United States

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 177

You deserved it 31 818

By randinosaur - 13/03/2011 12:48 - United States

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 080

You deserved it 4 224

False alarm

By sillyrabbit - 24/02/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said, "Hey" when he was next to me. He said, "The pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 380

You deserved it 46 503

By grossesfesses - 15/05/2013 06:58 - France - Compi?gne

Today, in the doctor's waiting room, a little boy asked me for a cookie. I told him that I didn't have any. He replied, "But my mom says that ladies with big butts always have cookies in their handbags." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 791

You deserved it 6 403

By Anonymous - 21/06/2012 14:52 - United States - Medway

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 192

You deserved it 7 760

By .__. - 16/07/2013 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 795

You deserved it 4 587

By Christinemh329 - 17/02/2012 06:22 - United States

Today, I had to have a word with my boss about how him coming into work drunk is probably not a very good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 684

You deserved it 2 500

By MissCan'tKeepAJob - 23/08/2011 16:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, I work by myself at a retail store and I was bored so I called my boyfriend. I woke him up and he was feeling frisky, and as things were getting heated I started to moan and say dirty things. Until the entire rack of clothes fell over and revealed my boss hiding. He had a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 072

You deserved it 57 290

By Anonymous - 23/07/2012 20:45 - United States - Clay City

Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 828

You deserved it 60 633

Sharing is caring

By Joseph - 27/02/2016 02:52 - United States - El Paso

Today, my nephew gave me a piece of gum. He's not one to share, so I was rather shocked at his kindness. After a while chewing, he admitted he gave it to me because the pack was in his pocket when he peed his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 208

You deserved it 1 869

By bored2death - 23/07/2010 22:15 - United States

Today, I realized that the only one willing to hang out with me this summer is my guinea pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 200

You deserved it 6 205

By Brandy_Dandy78 - 12/06/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 343

You deserved it 5 794

By Katrin - 30/10/2011 19:13 - Norway

Today, I got into my car after a long shift at work. When I looked in my rear view mirror, a horrifyingly evil face grinned at me from the back window. I leaped out of the car, only to be chased around by two people in clown masks. It turned out to be a prank set up by my co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 477

You deserved it 3 472

By Anonymous - 29/06/2011 23:52 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 777

You deserved it 7 341

By crazyk2468 - 26/04/2012 17:29 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I found the best cure for constipation is having my brother scare the literal shit out of me, in Walmart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 669

You deserved it 2 565

By Dani - 28/11/2011 12:34 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 159

You deserved it 9 395

Family matters

By Anonymous - 14/12/2020 22:58 - United States

Today, I met this girl who's perfect. Turns out, since I'm adopted, she might be my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 84

Haircare protip

By Anonymous - 09/06/2011 20:32 - United States

Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 497

You deserved it 51 006

By mike4444 - 12/02/2010 18:11 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 621

You deserved it 30 407

By BannedfromFriend - 20/05/2015 23:21 - United States

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 780

You deserved it 10 874

By lame - 31/12/2009 05:02 - Canada

Today, I ate a chocolate bar before getting my morning coffee. While waiting for it, a good looking guy starts talking to me, then suddenly loses interest. Afterwards, I see the chocolate on my face in my car mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 367

You deserved it 21 940

By ~__~ - 20/03/2015 21:23

Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 564

You deserved it 2 436

By Daria_Weiner - 18/07/2011 18:23 - Russian Federation

Today, at my anniversary party and in front of all our friends, I accidentally called my husband-to-be by my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 419

You deserved it 48 517

By notmyday - 25/02/2009 23:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 916

You deserved it 8 927

By WelcomeWagon - 28/06/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, I unpacked in my new, non-air conditioned apartment wearing nothing but underwear, a tank top and an apron to stay cool. Later, I realized I'd crossed through the complex to my car and the dumpster many times, and arranged my deck overlooking the parking lot, without ever donning shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 516

You deserved it 42 103

By BC94 - 16/07/2012 04:21 - United States - Mcminnville

Today, I went to a movie with this guy. He was late so the only seats available were the ones in the very front which he refused to sit in. As we were looking for two seats, he spotted one near the back and sat down, leaving me to sit by myself in the front. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 470

You deserved it 2 828

By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 03:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 076

You deserved it 2 905

Apron strings

By heatherjo - 02/11/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 397

You deserved it 3 916

By teef - 24/03/2009 08:19 - Canada

Today, at the store, I heard a kid complaining about getting braces. While I was saying 'thank you' and 'bye' to the cashier, his grandma must've seen my slightly crooked teeth. She pointed and said, "Without them, your teeth will look bad like that man's!" Everyone around looked at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 593

You deserved it 4 551

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 05:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 714

You deserved it 8 249

By babysitter - 24/06/2010 21:38 - United States

Today, I was twenty minutes into babysitting my twin baby cousins when I realized that there are no diapers to be found anywhere in the house. I have no way to get a hold of my aunt, no money to buy new diapers, and I don't even have a way to get to the store in the first place. The next few hours are going to be lovely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 162

You deserved it 4 923

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98 015

You deserved it 16 698

By Scared - 05/06/2012 00:54 - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 593

You deserved it 3 379

Big booming voice issues

By Anonymous - 26/02/2021 05:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, like the rest of the past year, I had to hear my roommate as he works as tech support from home. The man does not have an "inside voice" but echoes across multiple floors like a tuba, as he debugs people's software issues over the phone. Talking to him about it only makes him angry… and louder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 688

You deserved it 61

By FourKnees - 15/05/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I accepted an internship in Chicago and finished my final exams. I decided to play some pick up basketball one last time before summer. Within 2 minutes I got undercut going for a rebound and shattered my knee cap into 3 pieces. My summer in Chicago will be spent in a full leg cast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 304

You deserved it 4 210

By Anon - 08/04/2016 22:28 - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 177

You deserved it 1 950

By kids - 12/05/2014 05:17

Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 718

You deserved it 5 613

By rmonk - 06/07/2016 12:17 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at an ice cream place, and a guy started chatting with us. As he eventually went to leave, he told me "That's a nice looking date you got there." Then he turned to my friend. "Wish I could say the same to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 415

You deserved it 983

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 9:59

Well clearly it's time to stop.. watering down your drinks with so much ice.

Ashamed_Sister 60

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 9:59

You simply might be an ice lover, not an alcoholic.

Comments

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 9:59

Well clearly it's time to stop.. watering down your drinks with so much ice.

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:06

Sounds like somebody needs to start making some homemade Jack Dagnals ice cubes.

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 11:13

Haha.. that sir, was brilliant.

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 16:57

Kinda hard to make Jack Daniels ice cubes but if you figure out how please let me know! Considering liquor doesn't freeze I just don't know how that's possible.... ?

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 18:09

Liquor will freeze. Just have to use more water than alcohol

Ashamed_Sister 60

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 9:59

You simply might be an ice lover, not an alcoholic.

Ashamed_Sister 60

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:22

"Welcome to our weekly IA meetings."

perdix 29

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:31

#14, Meetings? No, thanks, I have to deal with too many iceholes in my everyday life!

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 13:57

Haha is ice another name for meth where you are?

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 14:47

Ok what I meant was 'is ice also the street name for meth where you are? Cos it is here, so these comments are funnier to me'

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:00

all of your kitchen appliances sit you down in the kitchen. “phil you have a problem. you're killing the ice machine, we're not saying quit. but maybe use less ice"

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 12:01

Thats a hole nother set of problems if your appliances are talking to you

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Wednesday 24 April 2013 1:05

*whole

strawberrywine22 27

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:01

It's not so much that you're an alcoholic, more that you use too much ice. The less ice you use, the better off your icemaker is AND the more alcohol you can fit in your glass!

lysx84 24

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:03

Just drink red wine, no ice required, no chilling time, straight from the shop to down your throat. Sorted.

strawberrywine22 27

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:04

I'm not a fan of wine, but I do have both Hornitos and Milagro in my freezer. No ice required for my drinks that way :)

NoFlippinWai 24

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 12:56

Chill the glass. I have those freezable cooling glasses. Buy more than one and rotate them. When one gets warm, get another.

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 14:06

Call me crazy but I prefer my red wine slightly chilled. (:

perdix 29

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 14:22

#39, You're crazy and you're welcome!

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:05

Just shove the whole bottle into the freezer or a tub of ice till its chilled. As long as you're not an abusive alcoholic... Cheers!

cukiemunstaaaar 10

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:08

Hey at least you realised it yourself! It'll be easier to take control now.

GigaPudding_fml 24

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 11:21

Yes but unfortunately it sounds like OP is already in denial "Today I found out I -was- an alcoholic"...

perdix 29

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:23

Uh-oh, looks like you need to join a 12-step program. Step 1. Admit you have a problem. Step 2. Buy an industrial icemaker, like a Manitowoc, and continue to get wasted. Step 3. There is no step 3, nor steps 4 through 12. Cheers!

RedPillSucks 31

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 18:37

Step 13 ???? Step 14 Profit!!!

jjmiller1001 17

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:24

wow, you need a bigger ice maker

perdix 29

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 10:27

You should switch to hot toddies and hope your stove is less shitty than your ice-maker.

TheCutestLizard 28

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 11:12

I had to Google that...I'm so ashamed.

perdix 29

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Tuesday 23 April 2013 13:44

#25, it's OK if you had to Google "hot toddy," but if you had to Google "stove," "shitty," or "you," I'd keep that to myself ;)

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 101

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 194

You deserved it 288