Today, I learned that my friend had parties all summer without me. I wasn't even invited once. Why ? Because I didn't send a message. My bad, I didn't know I could've have sent a message to attend parties I didn't know were happening. FML
Today, I overheard my crush and his friend talking about girls they would date. When his friend mentioned me, my crush said, “If she wasn’t fat, hell yeah.” Choking back tears at school for the rest of the day was not an easy task. FML
Today, my roommates sent a relationship request to my one night stand with my Facebook account. She accepted, and sent me a long message confessing her love for me. I can't remember her. FML
Today, I keep hearing a tapping noise in my bedroom every few seconds. I don't know where it's coming from, but I do know it's driving me crazy, and it's impossible for me to ignore. FML
Today, my father is strongly trying to convince me not to have kids because "autism runs strong" in my husband's family, and he’ll be damned if any grandchild of his is subnormal because what would the neighbours think, and he couldn’t invite his colleagues to our family barbecues anymore. FML
Today, at the grocery store, the scanner at the register gave a higher price for a product than the price tag on the shelf. Apparently I was the one being unreasonable for insisting to pay the price advertised on the shelf, and not some secret price they never told me about. FML
Today, I saw a teenager knock over a woman, so I rushed over to help her up. Turns out, she had a knife and thanked me by stealing my wallet and phone. FML
Today, I had a stomach bug, but despite it I swallowed a mouthful of habanero sauce on a dare. I ended up projectile vomiting on a wall outside, lost my sense of balance and fell over on the sidewalk, almost blacked out from the tightness in my chest, and had to refuse an ambulance that somebody had called. All for $5. FML
Today, my girlfriend is pregnant, grumpy, bad tempered, argumentative, indecisive, violent, vicious, insulting, and dismissive. I mean, she was all those things anyway even before getting pregnant, so really nothing's changed except she has a belly now. I only stick around for the baby. FML
Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "See you soon beautiful." Touched, I went to give him a parting kiss. He stopped me and said, "I was talking to the cat." FML
Today, I got a call at work. My cat somehow managed to lock my boyfriend and dog out of the house. The rental manager charged us $25 to open the door. The cat seems quite pleased with herself. FML
Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML
Today, the company I work for is now an online company, meaning we work from home. My boss suggested I live with him and I would still get my salary; if I don’t, I will get paid via 3% commissions on systems that barely sell. The worst part of all of this is that every day I get shouted at for nothing. I hate my life. FML
Today, my boyfriend has a freezer full of his favorite dish, which I cooked for him, yet he is subsisting on chocolate and those pathetic ready-made sandwiches from the supermarket. Why? Thawing and heating up a meal is too much trouble when I’m not there to do it for him. FML
Today, through my Ring doorbell I saw a pregnant woman knock on the door for my son and claim the baby was his. He just said to her, "No it’s not", then shut the door in her face. She left before I could get there. The little bastard won’t tell me her name or phone number. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch watching TV when I felt something crack on my head. My 6 year-old son had just smashed an egg into my hair. When I asked why, he said, "Mom does it for TikTok." This is how I found out that my wife has been "pranking" him for likes, and thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML
Today, I actually pondered shaving off my eyebrows so I wouldn't have to go back to work. FML
Today, I got back from an 8 month deployment but rather than being pleased to see me my wife wanted to continue the same argument we were having the day I left. I miss being shot at. FML
Today, I auditioned for and got a part in a small independent film based on the Count of Monte Cristo. I knew ahead of time it was a low budget remake, but I was surprised to be warned there would be a few soft sex scenes. When I got there, it was blatantly a gay porn movie set in an old dungeon. FML
Today, a kid I coach on a regular basis was talking to me about what I did outside of work. After we were done with the conversation, she told me with a straight face that I needed to get a life and get a boyfriend. She's 10. And she's right. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet for a regular check-up. In the waiting room, she escaped from her carrier and created chaos, knocking over supplies, and hissing at everyone. FML
Today, my garage got broken into and someone stole my $3000 bike. I bought it a month ago while I recovered from a knee injury. I just got enough strength 2 days ago to ride it. I've only ridden it once. FML
Today, I was hanging out with friends when my ex called me, but I ignored the call because I don’t want drama. About five minutes later she shows up and starts yelling at me on how I’m so worthless and useless. She left almost immediately after this, but when I went home she was talking to my fiancée. Like, WTF? FML
Today, I decided to turn over a new leaf. I slept eleven hours instead of twelve, with the intention of cutting down to eight. Instead, my body chose to faint from exhaustion. FML
Today, a couple convinced me I should ask out their daughter I went to school with, because it’s "obvious" we like each other. I do have a crush on her, so I decided to bravely go for it. She didn’t just say no, it was, “Ew, no, weirdo.” All her parents could say was, “Wow, we misjudged that, our bad.” FML
Today, it's been a year since my divorce. My deadbeat bipolar ex-wife is on her third boyfriend. I'm raising both our kids solo and, despite trying, have not even been able to land a single date since we seperated. FML
Today, a young boy helped me carry my groceries home. He then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly. I'm 46. FML
Today, I thought I'd be a suave gentleman by opening the car door for my date. The handle came off in my hand, and I had to spend the next 15 minutes pretending I was doing an impromptu repair on my piece of shit car, when I had no idea what I was doing. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend from high school has been at her new college for a week. She broke up with me because she wanted to meet new people and leave high school behind her. That was understandable… until my best friend showed me texts from her trying to arrange to hook up with him when she’s back. FML
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