Today, I went in for a hug with my friend, but she leaned in for a kiss on the cheek at the same time. What followed was a full-on awkward face collision where I ended up kissing her on the lips. We both stood there, staring at each other before I muttered, “Sorry, gross." She really took it personally. FML
Today, needing some new music, I logged on to YouTube and clicked "Like" on a few different tracks I enjoy, hoping to spark some good suggestions from the algorithm. My “Personal Mix” now consists of boring, generic techno remixes, with videos showing 100% half-naked women and fast cars. FML
Today, I got kicked out of an Uber for "smelling bad." FML
Today, I was in and out of my room to cook dinner at 11:30pm and accidentally locked the door. I couldn't jimmy it by myself so called a locksmith who used two of those inflatable car door things and a screwdriver to pop it in 30 seconds flat. Cost me 180 bucks. FML
Today, I proudly showed off my new DIY bookshelf to my family. Everyone seemed impressed until my cat jumped on it, the whole thing collapsed, and it narrowly missed my grandmother. Now my family thinks I need to hire professionals for every project. FML
Today, I realized that the woman I love, who is my best friend, deserves better than me at the nadir of my life. We're still just friends, but she's been a much better friend to me than I have been to her. It's time to disappear and fix myself. FML
Today, I had a mental breakdown because I have a 10,000 word final project due on Monday and I have only 800 words written so far, because I have been working on other classes and trying to be outside with my friends in the nice weather this week. FML
Today, a day after I went to the beach and fell asleep in the sun without applying sunscreen, I woke up to find myself looking like a lobster, with the worst tan lines possible. On top of that, I had to go to a wedding, and when I walked in, my cousin asked if I had “taken a bath in some tomato soup.” FML
Today, I got home and found all my things thrown out into the yard, including the stuff from my mancave, which I spent thousands of dollars on. Apparently, my girlfriend stopped for a visit while my wife was home. I’d stupidly given her a key. Turns out my wife called out sick today. FML
Today, I tried to show my little cousin how to ride a bike without training wheels. Not only did I crash into a bush, but the handlebars hit me in the nuts, and I ended up rolling around like a Labrador in shit in front of the neighbors. FML
Today, I waved at someone across the street because I was absolutely certain they were my friend. They waved back, so I walked over. We stood there awkwardly for about ten seconds before I realized I had never seen this person in my life. Apparently they had waved at the person standing behind me. FML
Today, after my husband yet again failed to complete his To-Do list, I took away his Xbox and PlayStation and told him he could have them back once the list was done. He stared at me and said, "No. You're not my mother. Give them back and we will talk like adults." FML
Today, I woke up and realized I had to pee sooo bad. The problem was, I sleep naked with my partner, who lives with one of their sisters. I didn't have time to get dressed before running to a shared bathroom, and even then I "drizzled" a little bit on the bathroom floor. I cleaned it and myself up but still… FML
Today, despite the fact that we are well off and desperate to be parents, my sister refuses to let us adopt her unborn baby, and intends to “raise him on her own.” We earn twice what she does and have been trying to conceive or adopt for 7 years, and she doesn’t even have a husband. FML
Today, I found a mysterious container in the back of my fridge. I opened it to try and figure out what it was. I still don't know what it was, but now my entire flat smells like it. FML
Today, I found out my hot Mormon neighbors can be gay, but they can’t act on it. FML
Today, I recently taught my 6 year-old son that, to be polite, you have to pretend you haven't noticed if someone farts. Now it embarrassingly just happened to me, and he shouted with a big smile, "See? I'm pretending I didn't hear it!" FML
Today, whilst showing my kids how to replace a light bulb safely, I gave myself and electric shock, and dropped the bulb. Twice in a row. In hindsight I should have let my husband do all the DIY-based educating, since I now have a glass shard in my big toe. FML
Today, I hard launched the guy I’ve been dating online. The guy who’s still mad that I friendzoned him commented, “See if he gives you rides, a shoulder to cry on, brings you food, and lets you copy assignments like I did for a year.” My now-ex dumped me and called me “heartless” for “using that poor guy.” FML
Today, my husband is refusing any kind of sex with me. Last week, as a prank, I slapped his ballsack during foreplay, not hard at all. Now he says he "can't trust me" near his junk, the big baby. FML
Today, I was stranded on the couch with a sleeping baby. I had my phone, but everything I wanted to do needed both hands, or sound. I was toying with my phone on my lips when someone texted me, causing the phone to vibrate my teeth, which hurt, and to avoid my baby falling, I crunched my shoulder and pulled a muscle. FML
Today, I picked up my daughter from daycare. As we were getting into the car, I strapped her into the car seat, but something felt off. I looked back and realized I had picked up the wrong kid. In my defense, she was wearing the same jacket as my daughter. FML
Today, I was waiting for my friend outside a restaurant when a man walked up and said, “You must be Sarah.” I said no to get rid of him. He apologized and walked away. Two minutes later, my friend arrived and asked why I was talking to her dad. FML
Today, I ran into my ex at the supermarket. Trying to seem nonchalant, I attempted to make small talk while pushing my cart. I didn't notice that I was steering straight into a tower of canned goods until it was too late. FML
Today, I waved at a dog through a car window because it looked pleased to see me. The dog wasn't looking at me. Its owner thought I was waving at him and got out to have a conversation. We talked for ten awkward minutes because he thought I was hitting on him. FML
Today, I turned $50 into 25k, all off sports gambling, but then lost most of it before I could even take the money out. I'm now sitting on about $1500 to my name. FML
Today, after I'd asked my brother be my reference for a job, he made up some story about a 9-month contract, then the work was done so they told me not to come anymore. My potential new boss told me how big of a liar I was and how it cost me the job. FML
Today, I met a girl at an airport before an early flight, after I’d only had 3 hours sleep. She moved here for a job in radiology. We joked, laughed, flirted, and parted ways. I told my friend, who asked why I hadn't get her number. I joked I would’ve if she'd been a doctor. He then says, “Radiologists ARE doctors, duh!” FML
Today, I found out the hard way that my dad sleeps in the nude, when I rushed into my parents room at 3 a.m. to inform them that there was a bat in the house. FML
Today, I ordered fries at a drive-thru, then drove away without paying. Realizing my mistake, I panicked and circled back, only to drive past the window again. The worker just stared at me as if I was pulling off the slowest robbery in history. FML
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