No Words

Today, my mom hung her new "Christmas Clock" on the wall. It plays a different Christmas carol every hour, on the hour. It's only December 2nd and I'm already starting to understand why suicide rates sky rocket this time of year. FML

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Vultures

Time for the ER

By Anonymous - 3/12/2012 04:06 - United States

27996

2790

Today, my brothers thought it would be funny to put me inside a huge luggage bag we got for a trip to Canada. It was all fun and games until they dragged me outside, kicked me down a few steps, and left me stuck in the bag, locked outside with the cat. FML

By TheNotSoGoodDay - 25/4/2016 23:29 - United States - Charlestown

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1586

Today, I found out my mom is banging my ex-boyfriend's best friend. He’s 22 and my mom is 50. Oh, and not only does my ex know, but so does the whole town. FML

By iams - 30/8/2018 06:00

3358

303

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

By Anonymous - 4/11/2011 19:38 - United States

26122

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Today, I saw my cat playing in the other room. Fascinated, I watched him for a few minutes before I realized he was playing with one of my daughter's fish. Well, what was left of it. FML

By Bad Cat - 29/5/2019 14:00

1647

164

Today, I went over to my friend's house. After knocking on the door, I was greeted by her hairy, 300+ pounds father in his underwear. He then hugged me. FML

By CooBerry3851 - 28/8/2011 08:27 - United States

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Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML

By Tripp - 14/7/2019 14:00

1646

533

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

By thanksmom - 20/7/2010 00:23 - United States

65583

4086

Today, I wake up only to find that my roommates cooked all my food. Now I'm starving and the place smells like delicious bacon. FML

By raybandy - 24/1/2009 00:22 - United States

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Today, I locked myself out of the house I was house-sitting. An hour later, and my fifth attempt at climbing the fence, I figured I'd try the door one more time. Turns out I was turning the handle the wrong way and the door wasn't locked in the first place. FML

By ohhhemmgee - 6/9/2012 06:39 - United States - Reno

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29274

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

By Anonymous - 29/5/2016 02:20 - United States - Exeter

13861

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1720

Today, I discovered why my boss kept on scheduling me to work doubles almost every day. It wasn't because she knew I needed the extra money; she was hoping that my boyfriend would break up with me because I'm never home, and date her instead. It worked. FML

By mybossisanass - 23/4/2013 08:17 - United States

71895

4670

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

By hangman - 1/8/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, I tried kissing my boyfriend on the tip of his nose. He sneezed mid-kiss and head butted me. Now there is just an awkward silence. FML

By Anonymous - 4/10/2014 12:11 - United States - Brevard

37577

4690

Today, I bought a UV light so I could detect cat pee, since I was sure my cat was relieving herself on the carpet. I decided to try it out in the living room first. Nearly half the room lit up like a Christmas tree. FML

By Anonymous - 25/9/2011 16:15 - United States

35959

5158

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 02:00

Fresh air

1285

301

Today, I realized how little my husband, son and I mean to my in-laws. We were somehow left off the distribution list for my sister-in-law's birthday party. I even texted her to wish her well. It wouldn't be so bad if this wasn't the fifth consecutive family event we were left out of. FML

By Invisible - 15/6/2017 22:00

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Today, I went to a social event with a very attractive male co-worker. Things were going awesome, we were flirting and really hitting it off. Then his 'wife' called. FML

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 16:23 - United States

30418

7139

Today, I found out who the father of my sister's 4 year old son is. My husband of 7 years. FML

By Jessica - 21/10/2009 18:31 - United Kingdom

67140

3428

Today, our guest lecturer told us to imagine 25,000 dead koalas in our lecture theatre, and if that didn't make us emotional then we didn't care about them. She then went on a rant, during which she encouraged us to join the "koala army". FML

By save the koalas? uhh - 8/4/2013 14:08 - Australia - Brisbane

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Today, I realized that I've been a member of eHarmony for almost a year. No one has ever contacted me out of the 134 people I've been "scientifically" matched with. FML

By Anon - 13/6/2009 05:17 - United States

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Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML

By marcymoo - 11/3/2013 04:09 - Australia - Perth

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2825

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

By anonymous - 3/12/2009 06:55 - United States

21683

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Today, I was at a store. I asked if I needed a key for their bathroom, and they said the door was open. I have to walk past them to go in and out of the bathroom. Thirty seconds later, they used the key and walked in on me. FML

By LostSoul - 19/7/2019 14:02

1610

Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML

By jess - 7/3/2010 14:08 - South Africa

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4652

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I've been crushing on for a while. When he dropped me off, I said thank you and that we should do it again sometime. He replied, "Yeah, maybe next Halloween." FML

By manda8484 - 1/11/2016 05:12 - United States

10643

784

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML

By bunnyluver4545 - 11/1/2012 05:42 - United States

16482

36438

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, only for her to slap me, throwing the "fake ring" away and storming off, convinced it was a cruel joke. FML

By Anonymous - 26/9/2014 21:27 - United States

42861

3730

Today, I accidentally asked the cashier at Wendy's how much their 99 cent chicken nuggets were. I guess he is still laughing at me. FML

By Anonymous - 10/2/2014 15:40 - United States

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Today, my husband and I put our children to bed a little earlier than usual, so we could have some sexy time. Immediately following my full-blown orgasm, I rolled over, only to see my wide-eyed son peeking over the top of the mattress. FML

By Anonymous - 8/5/2014 02:31 - United States - Tampa

68729

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Today, at my new job, a coworker offered to help me mop the floors since she wasn't busy. I ended up getting written up by my boss for supposedly being too lazy and making other people finish my work. FML

By buggyluv - 30/6/2016 15:50 - United States - Edwardsville

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Today, I found out why the parents whose children I babysit use me so often and on such short notice. It's not because they have abrupt nights out; it's because their kids hate me, and me being around is their way of punishing them. FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2013 14:41 - United States - Modesto

38165

3759

Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML

By jerrid - 21/2/2010 18:05 - United States

33492

7615

Today, my parents were helping me move flats. The only box to spring open was the box containing condoms and copious amounts of napkins for clean up. They spilled all over the road as my dad was carrying it. My mum picked them up. FML

By wookieewhosshe - 19/6/2019 21:13

1343

630

Today, while I was cleaning out my son's room, I came across his diary. Opening it out of curiosity, I found ramblings about how blacks, Jews, and other "inferior breeds" should be forcibly sterilized "for the common good." FML

By Ugh - 5/11/2012 02:08 - United States - Dublin

32694

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Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

By SilverAuthor - 29/7/2016 22:53 - United States - Detroit

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1904

Today, I sent a $120 bouquet of flowers for mother's day. When I called tonight see if my Mom got them, she replied that they were still on the doorstep because she "didn't want the dogs to get excited and start barking" when she opened the front door to bring them in. FML

By yapDogs - 10/5/2015 01:43 - United States - Fort Myers

29717

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Today, I was applying some acne ointment. The directions said, "Apply a thin layer, covering the entire affected area." In other words, for me: My entire face. Lovely. FML

By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 05:04 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend told me how he used to collect little things when he was younger. He then decided to tell me about his current big toe nail collection. FML

By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 22:34 - United States

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Today, I locked my keys in my car. Good thing I went to Lowe's to make spares, which are also now locked in the car. FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 04:50 - United States - Clifton

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