No Words

Today, I was working in my store. Right around closing, a lady came in to try some things on. I went to the back and when I came out, she was standing in the middle of the room with fluid coming from between her legs. I asked her if she was going into labor. She wasn't. She was peeing. FML

Boozehound alert

Mr Sensitivity

My body, my choice

By - 20/1/2020 20:00

I'm in a hurry

2428

121

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past couple months broke it off with me. She said she's tired of waiting around for me and being ignored in the mean time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so greedy as to finish my 2 degrees and work 2 jobs to pay for my school. How selfish of me. FML

By Lonely - 18/3/2010 04:02 - United States

37403

18862

Today, I reached a new low and embarrased my entire family. While in the frozen section of Walmart, I dropped to my knees and let out a horrific, agonizing scream, when I found out they were out of Strawberry Toaster Strudels. FML

By Anonymous - 28/2/2010 19:17 - United States

9156

61215

Today, my girlfriend slapped me and dumped me because she thought I was gay, simply because I had to miss a date because one of my guy friends was in a car accident, and I went to see him at the hospital. FML

By Leroy - 5/10/2019 02:01 - Australia

Insanity

1929

105

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

By Anonymous - 5/8/2012 05:33 - United States - Mahwah

33264

6581

Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML

By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 08:11 - United Kingdom

26616

2949

Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML

By clostar - 19/1/2016 20:17 - United States - San Francisco

20327

9801

Today, my boyfriend got a text from a "close female friend." The text was of her with no shirt on, and he quickly closed his phone. His explanation was that his female friends just want his opinion on how they look. I don't know what's worse, that there are several, or that he thinks I'm that stupid. FML

By trixieee - 4/8/2019 12:00

2039

172

Today, I went to dinner with my boyfriend. After we ordered, I started to unzip his fly really slowly. As I put my hand in his boxers, he stands up to greet his mom and dad who were joining us for dinner. FML

By cdoyle - 8/4/2009 12:32 - Canada

21458

110346

Today, while camping alone in an isolated area, I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a fellow camper, who then offered me a crayfish and a romantic beach walk as a way of flirtation. FML

By atleasthelocalsarenice - 4/3/2017 12:00

5302

571

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML

By Anonymous - 1/7/2012 23:08

38992

5414

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

By theotherotherguy - 27/9/2012 05:22 - New Zealand - Auckland

22753

1836

Today, my roomate's cats pooped on the floor again. He refuses to clean it up saying it will be easier to clean in 48 hours. FML

By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 06:57 - United States

29826

2681

Today, I got a text from a girl that I've had a crush on for a long time, asking me out to dinner. I agreed and went to the restaurant. Not long afterwards, I got text from her saying something had come up, so she couldn't make it. As I was walking back to my car, I saw her walk into the same restaurant with another guy. FML

By Saberwolf - 13/2/2011 21:14 - United States

44795

3087

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 07:11 - New Zealand

33589

5856

Today, after I explained to my waitress that I have an allergy to butter, she nonetheless put some on my baked potato. When I had her get me another, without butter, she came back with one and then asked if I would like butter with it. FML

By Anonymous - 1/9/2013 04:40 - Canada - Saint Albert

49738

3527

Today, I started my new health kick: granola for breakfast, salad for lunch and gym after work. I was so proud of myself until I couldn’t take it anymore and binged at McDonald’s. My health kick lasted 11 hours. FML

By Anonymous - 11/9/2019 14:00

Willpower

704

1480

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

By miewann - 3/3/2015 19:06 - United States - Mount Holly

32063

2547

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

By Late marriage - 24/8/2017 14:00 - Australia

3905

924

Today, I found out that my boyfriend was going to propose to me about three months ago. I was completely surprised and asked why he didn't. At that time, I had told him to stop looking at me like that and go buy me some damn tacos. I was 2 months pregnant then. Now he wants to wait a couple of years. FML

By cowgurl91 - 13/1/2010 21:40 - France

13206

42215

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for "cheating" on him by using a vibrator. FML

By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 23:30 - United States

59325

17153

Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML

By auscop - 17/9/2009 10:57 - Australia

26607

85740

Today, after years of thinking I was weird for never being attracted to anyone, I realized that for the first time in my life I actually have a crush on someone. That 'someone' is my English teacher. He is 60. I am 18. FML

By allwrong - 16/3/2010 10:27 - Australia

33163

13227

Today, while I was vacuuming, my cat got scared and tripped me. I landed on the vacuum handle between my legs. Not walking too well right now. FML

By Mark - 20/3/2017 08:00 - United States - Sparks

4598

534

Today, I was cutting potatoes. I was cutting them slowly, being careful, but my mom told me to cut faster, that I wouldn't cut myself. I cut myself. FML

By Anonymous - 24/7/2019 05:00 - United States - El Paso

1382

301

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

By Anonymous - 30/5/2016 02:32 - United States - San Francisco

14172

1323

Today, my bedroom in my gran's house gets the most sun in the evenings. There is no AC, not even a fan, and the only place cool enough to sleep is the basement. Which probably hasn’t been cleaned since the '80s, and I have to share it with the biggest spider ever and a beehive in the roller shutter casing. FML

By Anonymous - 18/8/2020 05:01

Spoiled for choice

1164

161

Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 03:41 - Australia - Brisbane

23063

6438

Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 15:55 - United States - Amsterdam

31891

2474

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

By Brilliant... - 25/5/2011 17:44 - United Kingdom

50452

5289

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

19983

2394

Today, my history teacher confiscated my iPhone. She dropped it on the way back to her desk, and I now have a shattered iPhone screen to fix. FML

By sad face - 7/3/2012 19:25 - Canada

32418

31873

Today, my wife got a new best-friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

By max - 23/10/2014 23:30 - United States

42376

4370

Today, I went on a coffee date with a man I met online. His "friend" had tagged along. We were having a good conversation, until the friend pulls out his laptop and says, "So let me tell you a little bit about our travel business," and talked about a pyramid scheme for an hour. FML

By Maddi - 4/5/2016 02:55 - United States - Houston

15616

1354

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

By graveyard-sh*t - 29/10/2019 14:00

Oh, hi Sharon!

1838

126

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

By well then... - 21/2/2009 23:37 - United States

75329

3361

Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of the game, I stole her hat and put it on my head, ignoring her pleas. Apparently, she was trying to say she had head lice. I can now verify that. FML

By infected - 30/12/2011 21:37 - Denmark

10602

43428

Today, my dad hit his mid-life crisis. When I came home and said hi, he told me to shut up, then went to the living room. He then lit up a cigarette and started muttering about having to put up with me, then went into a coughing fit, because he's never smoked before in his life. FML

By Cuntlette - 11/4/2014 16:38 - Australia - Brighton

45402

3342

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 23:59 - United States

32010

5460

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2013 20:30

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