Today, my mom’s greedy cat stole some milk I had left on the countertop, completely undeterred by the fact that not only was the milk in a plastic bag, it was also frozen solid. Yep, he actually managed to eat it. FML
Today, my package with two brand new toys got delivered to the wrong apartment. Somewhere in this apartment complex, a stranger is either judging me or having the best day of their life. FML
Today, after a tearful weekend of burying my best friend, I stopped for gas on my way home. I got distracted by a guy next to me who was acting strange. I unknowingly filled my car with Diesel. It cost over $1000 to tow home, and I can't even get it looked at until Tuesday. FML
Today, my dad and two of his hunting buddies started a true crime podcast. It's as bad as you can imagine. FML
Today, after years of study and hard work, I fulfilled my long time dream of becoming a neurologist. Too bad it took me so long to figure out I absolutely hate working in a hospital. FML
Today, I am sat in a house with a husband and three teenage boys who are all grumpy and pretending it’s not because the government just stopped them from watching porn without showing their ID first. FML
Today, we were planning to go out to dinner at our favorite restaurant. My kids and I were all dressed and ready to go when my husband waltzes in with fast food. He said he found some coupons for a free family meal. The kids and I got upset and he said, "I didn't have to get this for you guys." FML
Today, I ended a relationship because she told me that I was "like a father." FML
Today, an arm fell off my only glasses. Problem is I can’t fix it, since I can barely see without actually wearing them. Tomorrow, I’ll be getting around with one-armed glasses until I find someone who isn’t half blind and can tighten a tiny screw. FML
Today, I'm staying at my parents' house. I was woken up by the fan in my bedroom falling down. I calmly picked it back up and went to bed, wondering why my parents weren't concerned at all. My mom said she figured it was nothing, and when my dad tried to say something, she retorted, "You didn't even wake up!" FML
Today, in my years of experience with skin problems, I've had boils appear in the most horrible spots you can imagine. Still, nothing compares to having like 4 or 5 in roughly the same area, especially if that area is somewhere hard to reach. Somewhere like the back of your neck. Welcome to my hell. FML
Today, after asking my boyfriend multiple times to be more kind and romantic, he looked at me lovingly and said, "You know, you look pretty sometimes." FML
Today, at the end of my great grandmother's funeral, her daughter (my grandma) told me and my mother that she doesn’t have a reason to come back and visit anymore, and that everyone in her life is now gone. FML
Today, some absolute scumbucket cut the straps of the cover I put over my windscreen, so this morning it was completely iced over. It only delayed me by about 10 minutes but still… what a shitty thing to do to someone first thing in the snowy morning. FML
Today, I went to my doctor to discuss my chronic insomnia. After I'd spent ten minutes describing how exhausted I am and how it’s affecting my life, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "Have you tried just closing your eyes and clearing your mind?" I paid a $50 copay to be told how to blink. FML
Today, my doctor asked if I had any "unusual stress." I laughed and said, "I’ve been crying in the shower, does that count?" He paused, looked at me seriously, and said, "Yes. Yes, it does." FML
Today, after years of my husband letting himself go and our sex life dying a slow, painful death, he's finally gotten my hints and started exercising and eating right, and he looks amazing. But now he has no sex drive and says, "I'm getting older, there are more important things to me than busting nuts all day!" FML
Today, I won my custody battle. I wish I could be happy about it, but it strained my current marriage so badly that now I'm going through my second divorce. FML
Today, it’s Valentine’s Day. My boyfriend promised me that instead of a packed chain restaurant we would have “dinner under the stars.” We ended up having Slurpees and Slim Jims in the 7-Eleven parking lot. He called me ungrateful for not appreciating his “romantic gesture.” FML
Today, I was feeling motivated to improve my unhealthy miserable life and went for a jog. Halfway through, I tripped on my own shoelace and scared a couple walking their dog. According to my wife, it's already been gossiped about in our neighborhood. FML
Today, I was supposed to have dinner with my best guy friend, (He’s gay. It’s platonic) but he never showed up.I waited for 30 minutes in the rain, texted and called, but he’s not here. This is the day after he “pranked” me by telling me the guy I like likes me back. I have no idea what’s going on. FML
Today, I found my high school diary and decided to read it for nostalgia. My teenage self wrote, “Future me will totally be rich, famous, and married to Chris Hemsworth by 30.” I’m 32, single, and googling “How to fix a clogged toilet.” FML
Today, I couldn’t wait to get home and get my boyfriend naked, which I did. Although, to be honest, popping every single pimple in the rash on his back was not the kind of foreplay I had had in mind. FML
Today, I managed to wash my phone with my laundry. I didn’t realize it was in my jeans until I heard a thudding noise. After rescuing it from the depths of soggy clothes, I tried the rice trick to dry it out. A few hours later, my cat thought it was a new litter tray and promptly pissed in the rice, then spread it all over the counter. FML
Today, It's Valentine's Day. I'm single and in college, where everyone is posting their S.O.s and going on dates. I'm intensely introverted and shy, and I have a crush but I'm way too scared to ever tell him, and I'm going to spend my evening alone studying organic chemistry. Honestly, I just feel nerdy and lonely. FML
Today, it was my girlfriend’s birthday. I was invited to her surprise party and we got there before she arrived. When she came in, she asked the waiters where her friends were, then said, “I saw your head at the end of the restaurant.” She mentioned my head multiple times. I have a big head. FML
Today, I started to give a 30-minute presentation about environmental sustainability. When I'd finished what I though was a powerful introduction, I was informed that I was in the wrong conference room, speaking to a group of what appeared to basically be a bunch oil barons. FML
Today, I cried myself to sleep. Last night too, and the night before that, and the nights before those. But I guess that’s what life is, huh? FML
Today, I asked my son to keep my new girlfriend secret from his mom until our divorce was final, and he ran straight to her. She told the judge I was unfaithful and wants more money from our settlement. My son doesn't give a shit about snitching on me, because she's giving him a percentage of the new settlement. FML
Today, I thought I was in a relatively soundproof room before I started up my vibrator. It would have been, if the door wasn't wide open behind the curtains. FML
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