Today, I've realized that I have two modes: Constipated, or ultra explosive diarrhea. FML
Today, I seized at the bottom of the stairs and broke a rib. I don't have enough money to pay the bill. I don't know what to do. FML
Today, I realized that every girl who has approached me or I approached me since high school always ended up trying to get close to me to get close to any one of my friends. Every time I think we’re hitting it off, they ask. When I refuse to set them up, they get angry, and tell others I'm a creep. FML
Today, I found out that I have a chronic illness that has affected my brain function, heart and nervous system, and basically leaves me cognitively impaired daily and ruined my quality of life. Apparently it wasn’t just “all in my head” like so many neurologists claimed over the past two decades. FML
Today, I'm covered in scratches because a feral cat found its way under the house and tore apart the A/C duct to climb its way into my room in the middle of the night. After 30 minutes of chasing it, I got rid of it, but my room now smells like cat piss and I'm applying Neosporin to places I should never have to. FML
Today, while fighting unemployment and an visible abscess on my neck, I was cajoled into attending my Mom's birthday party. I spent the entire time at the restaurant trying to hide an oozing sore with a bandage, eating partially edible food. The cost? $40 I can't afford to spend on food not worth $5. FML
Today, I saw a homeless woman and a young man wrapped in a blanket so I went to give them a fiver. Turns out the woman was just helping calm her autistic son by wrapping him up, and not homeless at all. She kicked me in the balls and took the money anyway while I was on the ground. FML
Today, I’ve met the last of my wife’s ex-boyfriends. She’s been out of touch with all of them since we met, but after seeing their shared looks, I'm convinced they all have naked pictures of her. How recent they are is the only remaining question. FML
Today, I went to a drive through with my housemate. She got our order wrong and angrily yelled at the teenager who handed us our food, making her cry. My housemate can't fully speak English because of a learning disability, and she refuses to admit it. FML
Today, I woke up to my sister with her hand wrapped gently around my balls, saying, “Don’t lie or I’ll squeeze.” She wanted to know if I’d eaten her strawberries. I said no. She'd looked my bin and saw the empty packet. She looked back at me and squeezed. The pain made me late for work. FML
Today, I had a debate at school. I had diligently studied my position, digging up historical parallels, researching the economics, and preparing citations. I lost to a guy who just yelled, "Tax the billionaires" to every question. FML
Today, I have to get up at 6 a.m. each day to make it to a class at 8 because of commuter traffic. The college has decided to eliminate an entire parking lot right next to the building where my class takes place, to build a parking garage, which will take 2 years. The only open parking is a field clear across the campus. FML
Today, the water stopped working in our apartment. We are supposed to be moving into a new place tomorrow, so we asked the landlord if we could move in a day early. Upon arrival, we found that the water tank needs to be installed, so there's no water here either. We're now admitting defeat and checking into a hotel. FML
Today, I cooked a romantic dinner for my partner to celebrate our five year anniversary. I spent hours preparing a snazzy meal. Just as we sat down to eat, I realized I had forgotten to turn off the oven, and our dessert was now a charred lump of coal. We only realised this when the fire alarm in the kitchen went off. FML
Today, fourth day of vacation in paradise, I’m in Bali, Indonesia. I’m suffering from a violent turista. Between two attacks, I found by miracle a diosmectite that I drank bottom up. It was tap water. FML
Today, I learned that my friend is selling his PlayStation 5. A few weeks ago I bought a PlayStation 5 to be able to play with him. FML
Today, for my 18th birthday, my parents gave me a Spotify Car Thing. Not only do I not own a car, I won't be able to afford one before this crap tech gadget turns into a useless brick. FML
Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML
Today, I found out that college stressed me out so much that my stomach acid now eats holes in my stomach wall. I went from, “Oh, I have a tummy ache” to “You can’t eat or drink for 24 hours because we gotta do surgery on a perforated ulcer.” FML
Today, in a bar, I had to remind my brother that the bar was not open to the public, it was booked for a private party. Our family reunion in fact, so the girl he was “this close to pulling” was actually our Welsh cousin we’d never met before. He almost became a redneck stereotype. FML
Today, I received a "Reply All" email from a colleague, in which they vented their frustration with our boss. Unbeknownst to them, our boss was included in the distribution list. Our whole open plan office became a silent comedy of awkward glances. FML
Today, I’m realising that at some point I should have just settled for the guys who were there, instead of waiting for the fantasy perfect guy. All my exes are happily married with grown kids, whereas I’m in my 50’s, never married, no kids or grandkids, and will probably die alone with my cat eating my face. FML
Today, my grandmother got caught trying to rob a casino. She was planning this for months, and is claiming I was an integral part of the heist. I'm fifteen and had no idea she was planning this. FML
Today, I’ve been getting a lot of strange messages from guys on the dating site I use, then I realised why: on my profile pic I'm sat down and you can see my nice underwear up my skirt. That explains the messages, they thought I was trolling for men to hump and dump. FML
Today, I was assigned to work on a group project with some coworkers. The entire time, one guy insisted on "taking charge" and assigning everyone tasks. He gave me a single task: “Create a 15-slide presentation.” I completed it in less than an hour. He then decided we needed a 100-slide presentation. FML
Today, I love my boyfriend very much don’t get me wrong, but we’re both still young and I don't want sex yet. I thought we were on the same page, I think we still are, but last night he attempted to make me horny. He said some dirty things and I'm not into that. I have big boobs, so guys hit on me a lot, but I thought he was different. FML
Today, I got home and went to hug and kiss my wife. She actively dodged me and gave me a list of nine things she wanted fixed around the house while she was out with her sister. I’m writing this from a pub garden, surrounded by people who actually enjoy my company. Fuck her list. FML
Today, my former boss called to bitch me out for some computer issue he emailed me to fix three days ago. I quit my job there 7 months ago, and I had to hand my phone to my new manager to convince my old boss I really did quit and wasn’t just avoiding fixing the computer problem. Asshole. FML
Today, I mustered up the courage to tell my son that I would not be attending his sixth wedding. He responded by cutting access to my grandson. FML
Today, I was grocery shopping, feeling good about myself, until when I was waiting in line at the checkout, a small kid in his mother's arms in front turned to look straight at me and said, "Ewwwww." FML
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