Today, my husband spent all day on Skyrim trying out trick archery shots, things like shooting the butterflies, shooting a running rabbit, shooting himself by firing into the air. Meanwhile, I’d been at work, the kitchen was a mess, he didn’t walk the dog, and he missed my Amazon delivery. FML
Today, I told my wife it hurt my feelings when she said our wild, fun days are behind us. She retorted, “Yeah you’re right. Our very carefully planned out once a year kid-free outing is sooooo wild and crazy.” FML
Today, I fell asleep at work. I got woke up by my boss with a coffee and a referral letter. FML
Today, out of nowhere, several spam calls started calling my cellphone number. Every single one of them about health insurance. I didn't know why they were calling me or how they got my number. After a bit of questioning, it turns out my dumb dad used my name and cellphone number while trying to look for info. FML
Today, a journal article I'd written was identified as an "AI-written" article, even though I've never used any AI tools. FML
Today, after I bashed my head into the wall behind me yesterday and knocked myself flat while flinging my head back to get my hair in a ponytail, it still hurts, so I went to hospital. Yep, skull fracture with a slight inward depression. I might need surgery. FML
Today, my 35 year-old sister, who has no job or life, came downstairs and told me she knows I can hear her thoughts. FML
Today, I woke up and realized I was soaked. The night before, I'd felt cramps so I was convinced it was my period… until I realized that my cat had marked his territory on me. All my sheets and blankets had to be removed. Yup, soaked right through! FML
Today, my girlfriend is presently out of town on business. I thought I was doing pretty good at not missing her, then I woke up refreshed and ready to tackle the world and found one of her hairs in the bed (which was WAY too long to be one of mine). And became severely depressed again because I miss her so much. FML
Today, I got in the elevator with my dog and pressed the button for my floor. Instead of going up, it dropped two floors and opened up to a random basement room filled with nothing but mannequins, and wouldn't go back up. I had to fumble our way to the stairs. FML
Today, at university, I worked up the courage to speak up in a lecture hall of 200 people. I raised my hand, made my point, and felt pretty good until the professor said, “That’s exactly what I said like five minutes ago.” Half the room turned to look at me like I'd just woken up from a nap mid-class. Which I had. FML
Today, I was caught on a hot mic during a work department meeting complaining about someone using a leaf blower, F-bombs and all. FML
Today, my husband and I had a huge fight because I booked us on an adults-only Virgin Voyages cruise for our anniversary. I love him, but he wants every single vacation to be a family vacation with our kids. FML
Today, I got drunk and spewed all over my lounge room floor. My dog ate it up, also got drunk, and also eventually spewed on the floor too. FML
Today, as I was taking care of my mom while my dad was at work, she fell asleep. This would be fine, except she has one of the worst cases of sleep apnea ever recorded. Her snores are so loud, they almost sound like gunshots. I can't leave her alone or block out the sound in case she stops breathing for too long. FML
Today, I went to swim with my husband and baby daughter. My husband packed the bags and said twice that he'd packed my swim suit. He hadn't. I spent 10 euros for a 10 minute bath, while he got to swim with our baby. FML
Today, my best friend of 5 years, who I got feelings for, and who I spent endless time bending over backwards and going above and beyond for, once again rejected me. He got into a car accident and I stayed with him all night, only for some girl he never even told me about to come and introduce herself as his girlfriend. FML
Today, I cleaned up the entire kitchen after sending the kids to school. I decided to have a nice cup of tea, and then knocked the tea over into the bin and the bin cabinet, the hardest and grossest thing to clean. FML
Today, we were planning to go out to dinner at our favorite restaurant. My kids and I were all dressed and ready to go when my husband waltzes in with fast food. He said he found some coupons for a free family meal. The kids and I got upset and he said, "I didn't have to get this for you guys." FML
Today, I decided to open up to my friends about losing my dad last year. To my horror, all they could do was laugh at and mock me, all because I said that he "unalived" himself. FML
Today, I got a call and was offered a position with a company that I really wanted to work for. I just had to wait a week to confirm that everything was good to go. Ten seconds after ending the call, they called back and said that they'd called the wrong person. The offer was for someone else. FML
Today, my cat has always been rather antisocial, but after his first trip to the vet since getting fixed, he's become talkative, clingy, and goofy. I'd enjoy it, if not for the fact that he's nearly hurt himself several times because he keeps doing stupid shit. He might need to go back to the vet at this rate. FML
Today, I walked in the bathroom and smelled a disgusting cheesy smell. I looked at the tub and my boyfriend was furiously scrubbing under his toenails with a nail brush. FML
Today, I got my phone fixed after the screen had been shattered for four months straight. Then, the moment they handed it to me, it fell straight to the floor and shattered. Again. FML
Today, I got my ass kicked by my boss at work. Why? Because I missed my shift on Saturday, because I slept through my alarms and the phone calls from my co-workers, and I woke up three hours later in a state of panic. This is all because of a medicine I'm on for migraines. FML
Today, I unlocked the door at work and was immediately hit with the most disgusting smell I've ever encountered. Imagine the worst fart you've ever smelled, coupled with sewerage, and mold. The windows don't open. I have the door wide open and have used a whole can of Glen 20. It has done nothing. FML
Today, I carried my golf bag from the club house to my car. When I got there, my rear pocket got caught in a zipper on the bag. I couldn't get them separated. I had to take my pants off to fix it. Yes, three couples walked by, pretending not to notice. Had it not happened to me, I would not believe this story. FML
Today, all of my friends and family have ostracized me, and no one is willing to talk to me about anything, because I gave my baby up for adoption after my husband died. Nobody understands that I'm not cut out to be a single mom. FML.
Today, I heard what sounded like an explosion from the basement of my house. Turns out my foundation cracked. FML
Today, I walked into a public toilet and I opened a stall door, only to discover someone who had forgotten to lock the door sitting on the can. Instead of saying "Sorry," I panicked and said, "Nice shoes!" I then had to wait until they left because I was too embarrassed to face them. FML
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