Today, my nephew asked me to help build his science fair volcano. I got too invested in making it realistic and used way too much baking soda and vinegar. The eruption shot across the kitchen, hit the ceiling, and dripped red food coloring down the walls while my sister stared at me in annoyed shock. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years cheated on me. His reason? "You were flirting with me for a whole year before us when you had a whole boyfriend at the time. How do I know you aren't a cheater?" His further reasoning was that at least if I cheated on him, he'd have a reason to stay with me. FML
Today, CPS came to my door because they found out that I didn't report it when my sister abandoned her kids on my doorstep. They're telling me that I'm going to have to take them down to the foster care center and go through the proper channels if I want to keep them. FML
Today, I went out for dinner with my crush and expressed my love for her. She responded by saying that we should know that this is the real thing, and to do so we needed to date other people and let time bring us together. FML
Today, my ex, who physically and emotionally abused me, is in a happy marriage. His new wife is glowing and they have a kid, with another on the way. So basically, he was capable of being a Prince Charming who could give another woman her happily ever after, just not for me. FML
Today, after I spent years making fun of people who buy expensive coffee every morning instead of making it at home, and after I got a remote job and started living alone, I realized the barista at the café is currently the closest thing I have to a social life. Yesterday she remembered my order and I nearly felt emotional. FML
Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my boyfriend because he decided to run over my foot with his new fancy bike. I think my foot's broken. We can't afford the bike, much less the ER bill with it. FML
Today, I'm a child star who made A LOT of money, TONS! My parents used it to pay all the bills of the house, claiming that we were really poor and needed this money. I charged over 5k per show (4 SHOWS A MONTH) and they would ONLY give me 20 dollars to spend. What happened to the rest? I will never know, I am SO BROKE. FML
Today, my whole family ganged up on me because I called my 9-year-old niece a cunt. The little brat purposely ruined my son's final science project for school and caused him to get a zero, even though we wrote a note to the teacher explaining what happened. FML
Today, I finally told my brother that I was being sexually harassed at work. I'm 22 and my brother is 41, and he literally told me that I don't even know what sexual harassment is, and then laughed in my face. FML
Today, while having lunch on a pier, I tried to take an artsy photo of my food for Instagram. Just as I was about to snap the pic, a seagull swooped in and snatched my chips right out of the paper bag in my hand. I didn't even get a photo of the robbery. FML
Today, my parents started nagging me yet again to have kids. When I pointed out that I already do, they scoffed and said that my five step-kids don't count. FML
Today, I came home from the hospital after six days. Despite having a cat sitter, they managed to shit on the bathroom floor and pee on my bed in protest for being gone too long. FML
Today, I tried to act extra confident by making intense eye contact during a meeting. My boss finally stopped talking and asked, “Do you need something, or are you just glaring at me?” Now everyone thinks I have a crush on him. FML
Today, my mom found my Rose Toy in the washer while doing my laundry. My parents are no longer paying for college and she “hopes I’m planning on seeking some employment” because I have 30 days to move out. When I told her I can’t live on my own on minimum wage, she replied, “You should have thought about that then.” FML
Today, after buying an old house that lacks plumbing a few weeks ago, I’m still crapping in a bucket in the barn. My two favorite Christmas gifts are still 2 pieces of rubber to dampen the noise from my new sewage pump and a used ceramic toilet bowl. FML
Today, I was feeling more and more sick, with significant pain in my abdomen. Nobody believed me, and my grandma told me to stop whinging and to eat something. I tried but started vomiting, and now I'm being rushed into surgery with an already necrotic appendix. FML
Today, my apartment building finally fixed our broken intercom. A few hours later, I buzzed in a food delivery driver while trying to reject a spam call. He wandered the building for 15 min, knocking on random doors before finding me. Three neighbors now think I order tacos under a fake name. FML
Today, I discovered I'd been ghosted. Last night, I hung out with this guy. We started making out. Everything was going great, then we had sex and it literally lasted 30 seconds because he was done. He got up, got dressed and left and then deleted me off everything. FML
Today, weeks after I tried to make connections with my husband's relatives by talking and being nice to them, basic courtesy, the relative's daughter gave me a 300$ Sephora makeup list that she expects me to gift her. We're not broke, but this seems a little too much to me. Is it me? FML
Today, while eating breakfast with my family, I asked my mother if there was any more scrambled eggs in the skillet because I really felt like having some more. She got mad at me because she thought I'd asked in a sarcastic manner. I wasn't joking. FML
Today, after I spent 3 months secretly learning guitar so I could surprise everyone at a family barbecue, the moment finally came. I sat down, took a deep breath, and realized I'd practiced every song with a capo I forgot to bring, as well as my tuner. Everything sounded terrible. My uncle asked if I was improvising Free Jazz. FML
Today, I woke up in a military hospital, after having all four wisdom teeth out yesterday. A nurse came in with a breakfast trolley full of eggs and bacon, looks at my pleading face, looks at her clipboard and says, "Only non-solid foods for you, private." FML
Today, my wife’s single friend got drunk at my Master’s graduation party and went a long-winded rant about what a good partner I am. I’d be flattered if the fusing of praise of me with single person problems didn’t come off sounding like a jilted lover. We’d only met twice pre-party. FML
Today, my Halloween costume finally showed up in the mail. Their consolation for a late delivery? A 50 cent discount. FML
Today, I was in class when I coughed up so much snot inside my mouth. It was so gross, I couldn’t talk. I raised my hand to go over to the sink to spit it out but I couldn’t talk and he didn’t understand, so I just got up and walked over. A few kids in the back saw me do it and said, "Ewwww." Everyone stared. FML
Today, my mom texted me, “I just want you to know I love you very much.” Touched, I replied, “I love you too, Mom!” Her next message said, “Oops, wrong person.” FML
Today, I came across an online profile of one girl I had really liked. Since she moved, I've been thinking about her constantly. It seems as if her boyfriend broke up with her and she's moved on from him, so we're both currently single. I still like her and would love to get in touch with her, but have no way to message her. FML
Today, a hot guy asked me to meet him at a barbecue restaurant. I reminded him that I was vegan. He replied, "Oh, my bad. Forget it then." and didn't respond to my desperate follow up texts. FML
Today, I was talking online to this guy, and everything was great. He then sent a voice message and his accent was a deal breaker. FML
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