Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML
Today, I got a call from the guy I'd been seeing for a few weeks. It was his wife calling to find out what was going on with us. He told me he was separated. He left his kids home alone to hook up with me. FML
Today, I went to the emergency room with my boyfriend, only to sit there for 3 hours waiting for him to be seen, then having an argument with him about how impatient I am because they never called his name. FML
Today, the woman who wanted a relationship, sent me heart kisses multiple times a day every day, and claimed that everything was perfect, bailed on me after I asked her if she could fit in one more than the current four days a month we see each other. FML
Today, I went to the store with my mask on, as usual. As I walked past a guy, he reached out and tore the mask off my face, revealing my secret: a pacifier I use to control my horrible anxiety and agoraphobia. I froze, then collapsed to the ground screaming, and had a stress-triggered seizure. FML
Today, I won a lottery at my local grocery store. Excited, I went to claim my prize, only to discover it was a bottle of red wine. I'm a recovering alcoholic. FML
Today, after completely refilling my almost empty gas tank, I witnessed the price flip from $3.69 per gallon to $3.59. FML
Today, my girlfriend was upset, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her how much I love her and how beautiful she is. After a minute, her face started to light up. I thought it had worked until I realized that she was being cheered up by the friends she was talking to online. FML
Today, after I found out that my new partner was messaging her ex, and she hid it from me, lied about it, and made out I was seeing things, we got over it, because after all I thought it was an innocent enough explanation and I believed her, she has now been doing it again with another ex. FML
Today, I got reprimanded at work for calling off when I wasn’t sick. Apparently someone at the store saw me making online videos. What a great day to try starting my influencer brand. FML
Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML
Today, I finally got all of my finances to move out of my house. My mother, instead of being happy for me for moving out of her house, blames me because she needs my rent money, states I will not be happy out in the world and disowned me because I didn't move out when she wanted me to. She wanted me to stay until she was 55. FML
Today, a customer wanted a military discount for buying two 39 cent Slim Jims. I work at an auto parts store. FML
luvmypony tells us more.
I can't give discounts on something so cheap. company policy
Today, I was reading a romance story about a couple that fights, but gets back together and works out their issues. I was rooting for the breakup because I've become so cynical, I think forgiveness is weak and trust is for suckers. Yup, I'm now heartless. FML
Today my mother, who was once shocked to realise that my older sister was having unmarried sex, told me to go and 'get some' because it's good for my health. I'm asexual. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to "spice up sex" by talking like an anime character. We had to stop after the line, "Your vagina will crumble before the power of my Hypercock!" FML
Today, at a Con, I saw a girl in an impressive cosplay of a character from one of my favorite video games. I complimented her on her costume and got a picture with her. Later, my girlfriend called me a cheating creep and broke up with me. FML
Today, Social Services took my recently deceased girlfriend's kids. I've loved those kids for almost 10 years and now I might never see them again. FML
Today, after dieting and working out for almost 3 months, I sit down on my chair to finish off some work. It broke. FML
Today, I took my dog for a walk in the park. I was enjoying the fresh air until my dog spotted a squirrel and took off running. I ended up getting dragged through the mud and had to walk home covered in dirt and scratches. FML
Today, I returned to work after a restful week-long holiday. Before I left, I'd finished a huge assignment which is due this week. I walk in to find a water pipe has burst just above my desk, flooding our office with water and ruining my computer. Happy New Year to me. FML
Today, I woke up early for work and spent 30 minutes frantically looking for my keys. I had to take a 30-minute Uber ride to work, then drove an hour in the company truck, only to be stood up. FML
Today, my son was so hungover at his wedding that he fell asleep standing at the altar and fell over onto his pregnant wife, knocking her backwards onto the floor. What should have been a happy occasion turned into a farce as we rushed her to hospital to check the baby was OK. FML
Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML
Today, after a long time convincing my parents that my boyfriend is really a good guy, not only did he decide to come by the house completely drunk, but he also ended up trying to kiss my mom, thinking it was me. FML
Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML
Today, I learned that my ex-boyfriend didn't cheat on me with my ex-best friend like he said. He just wanted an excuse to break up. To make matters worse, when I tried to talk to her, she slapped me and gave me a bloody nose. FML
Today, I learned that when I got my driver's permit, I agreed to be the designated driver for my family. FML
Today, I thought I’d do something for my digestion and forego the after-lunch coffee, as it always makes me gassy. Well, without the coffee apparently all the gas just stayed inside. Whatever it did in there gave me a pretty awful stomach ache. FML
Today, I went to the drugstore to get supplies for my broken toe. Because of the swelling, I could only wear open-toed sandals on this cold day. At the store, a tall, heavy man in winter boots tried to get by me, and ended up stepping on the toes of my good foot. FML
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