By cynical - 5/10/2020 05:01 - Canada - Toronto

Alexa, play "I'm a Realist" by The Cribs

Today, I was reading a romance story about a couple that fights, but gets back together and works out their issues. I was rooting for the breakup because I've become so cynical, I think forgiveness is weak and trust is for suckers. Yup, I'm now heartless. FML

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Out of it

Our house, in the middle of our street

Is that even legal?

By CoffeeStained - United States - Richmond

Today, I set my cup of coffee down on the stall floor to take care of my business. A hand reached under the stall door and took my coffee. I yelled to give it back, calling them obscene names. Moments later, my fresh coffee came flying over the door. I'm burned from my head to my legs. FML

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By cuckolddreams - United States - Broken Bow

Today, while begging my wife for sex for once, she told me she didn't have time. I said it wouldn't take long. She said "I know." FML

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By Neutered - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was enjoying a nice bath, when one of my cats jumped up on the rim and started purring. I thought it was sweet, until my other cat ran in and body-slammed the first into the tub with me. Being a conscientious cat owner, I hadn't de-clawed them. FML

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By Omi - United States

Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my desk to eat and do homework, I noticed a message that said, "WARNING: Hold cup by sides, as lid may not be secure." At that exact moment, the lid that I was holding fell off and the soup drenched my Nintendo DS, and printer. FML

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By Sayahh

Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML

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By miiiiilk - United States

Superfuzz Big Muff

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

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By chinchilla4404 - United States

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

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By bigscarypuppy - United States

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after I went to collect my pay for babysitting, the girl's dad pulled the old "Can I pay you in Trident Layers?" bull on me. Hoping to show that I wasn't going to play ball, I told him that watching his gran inhale a cock would be funnier. If scowls could kill... FML

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By Maiar - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband confessed that when he's angry with me, he uses my makeup sponge to apply his hemorrhoid cream. FML

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By skinnyguy23 - United States - Briarcliff Manor

Today, I received a package. When my mom asked what I had bought, I had told her that I had ordered dumbbells and was going to start lifting. She laughed her way into the kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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By Ouch - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I tried to beat my dad to the car. I jumped over the steel cables in the parking structure and hit my head on a metal pipe, then bounced off the wires, and onto my back on the pavement. Good thing we were already at the hospital to visit my sick mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellerose

Today, I was watching anime in my room when my mom walked in with fresh laundry. It would've been fine at literally any other moment, but the scene on at the time involved girls groping each other in a hot spring. Now she's accusing me of being in cartoon porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was informed from a fellow employee at a bar that he finally "hit" the boss' wife. I work for my parents. FML

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By jriese444 - United States

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

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By elle_hamilton - 25/8/2020 23:01 - United States

Cashback

Today, when I told a gentleman that, no, he couldn't have cash back on his return without a receipt, he started screaming at me that I was calling his mother a liar. He told me to lawyer up and yelled at me for smiling at him. He also screamed at me to go on a diet as he left the store. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my dad came up behind me with a pair of scissors, and pretended to snip away at my hair. I was sure he was joking, so I just sat there and didn't react. Later, I felt the back of my head and looked at my hand. Suffice it to say, I now have a large bald patch on the back of my head. FML

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By NotEnoughBleach - United States - Englewood

Roommates from hell

Today, while trying to sleep, my roommates were shouting in the next room. When I poked my head out to tell them to shut up, I was greeted by the sight of one of them with his knob duct-taped inside a gun holster, and the other one trying to rip it off. And they wonder why I'm not more social. FML

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By smyp - Lithuania

Today, I was going down the elevator in my dorm and a friend joined on another floor. He then thought it was a good time to tell me that he slept with my girlfriend when the elevator got stuck. Worst 40 minutes of my life. FML

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By PoorGramps - United States

Today, my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, he pooped himself. My family went through the rest of the meal acting like we hadn't noticed to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister came home and immediately yelled, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He cried. FML

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By CaptainFluffyPaw - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer complained about me for getting their order wrong. This would have been fine if they hadn't sent their ten-year-old kid to order for them. FML

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By h

Today, while at a restaurant, my three year old daughter pointed at an African-American girl and yelled out “She’s ugly because she’s black!” Me and my wife got dirty looks for the entire rest of our meal. We have no idea where she learned that. FML

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By theyarefarapart

Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML

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By can't shut my mouth - United States - Houston

Manage your way out of that one

Today, after a string of crappy employees had come and gone over the month, I was joking to my manager that maybe we should move the "Now Hiring" sign further away from the trash can so we'd stop getting garbage hires. The new girl was right behind me. I'll be her trainer all week. FML

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By whyyjustwhy - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, I copied some files to my phone while borrowing my grandfather's laptop. As I selectively deleted the files from the recycle bin, I noticed some pictures, and ended up seeing way more than I wanted to of his erect penis. FML

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By Wtfbruhimmovingout - Canada - Toronto

Today, my mom tried to burn my arm with a hot spatula, all because I got a tattoo against her wishes. FML

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By FMLdude - Australia - Bexley

Scammed

Today, I accidentally hit an elderly man while driving. The police came, and five minutes later I was told that he confessed to walking in the middle of the road to get hit and claim compensation. He was fine, but I still got charged for hitting a pedestrian. FML

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By FinanciallyF*ked

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

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By Coco - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, I invited my sister to my wedding. She is not coming, because I didn't reply to her email three years ago. The one she sent to my whole family, saying that I was a dangerous psychopath. FML

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By yuhan

Today, while walking around outside with my friends, I was told that I have no right to complain about the heat since I'm not fat. Thirty minutes later, I had sweat out all the liquid in my body and promptly passed out from heat stroke. FML

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By burritobreasts

Today, I woke up to my roommate trying to put a burrito and a pack of mild sauce in between my boobs. He's only lived here for two weeks, and this is the second time I've woken up to him doing something like this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad finally told me why he never paid child support to my mom when he was supposed to for the last ten years. His reason? Because I'm a girl and I wasn't that important. FML

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By S4L - France

Today, I had to take a leak, so I went into a porta-john. I noticed another man's hand under the door with a cell phone. Angered, I aimed my stream at his hand and phone. He tilted the porta-john over in response. It was full. FML

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By musicman2005 - United States

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

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By asuramaru

Knowledge is power

Today, at 19 years-old, I found out that kiwi birds aren’t actually extinct. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, I nearly got written up at work for missing an important memo. The memo was sent to everyone via the company Facebook group and not by our e-mail system. My manager could hardly believe people exist who have no Facebook account and have no intention of making one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, after a fight, I caught my sister rubbing my toothbrush on the inside of our grimy toilet. This is why I have trust issues. FML

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By Well, crap - Denmark - Kongerslev

Today, I attempted to ask a girl out by doing a flash mob and singing for her in the store where she works. Turns out, she suffers from anxiety and the overwhelming amount of attention caused a panic attack. No, I didn't get a date. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7942792 - Monday 5 October 2020 6:12

The bad news is that you're probably not going to find a meaningful relationship with that attitude.

The good news is that you can excel in several careers like telemarketing, HR and politics.

By red6joker | 7

#7942849 - Monday 5 October 2020 13:25

nah your right, a story like that is in a book for a reason. relationships that fight like that never last.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7942792 - Monday 5 October 2020 6:12

The bad news is that you're probably not going to find a meaningful relationship with that attitude.

The good news is that you can excel in several careers like telemarketing, HR and politics.

By red6joker | 7

#7942849 - Monday 5 October 2020 13:25

nah your right, a story like that is in a book for a reason. relationships that fight like that never last.

Reply

kfchicken | 31

#7943038 - Tuesday 6 October 2020 10:15

fax. every good relationship is built on the inability to forgive and definitely lack of trust.

Reply

noporn4u | 9

#7943426 - Wednesday 7 October 2020 22:28

You forgot separate bank accounts and a quality side piece.