Today, I went to my local pub for a drink. There was a giant sign that read, “Welcome to Luke’s celebration of life.” My name is Luke. FML
Today, I took my first yoga class ever. Everything was going fine until it was time to stand up from the floor. My knees made a sound like snapping wood, my balance disappeared, and I nearly took out the lady next to me while trying to recover. She helped me up like I was part of her family. FML
Today, it was me and my wife's anniversary. I spent it consoling her as she cried over a man she loved 20 years ago. They never even dated. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom and thought, "Huh, why are there urinals in the girls' bathroom?", but I went into a stall, did my business, and left. There was no one around and when I walked past the bathroom again, there was a boys' bathroom sign. FML
Today, my parents said that we're moving back to Los Angeles. I'm so fucking pissed off because in the couple of years since we moved to a tiny town, I've become a different person and love my new life. This is just completely undoing everything I've been through and they won't let me move in with my new best friend. FML
Today, my job transfer was canceled literally as we were getting in the U-Haul. While my kids celebrate that they don't have to leave their friends and everything, my wife and I are fighting like cats and dogs over the huge mess this shit created. FML
Today, I took the piss out of my younger brother for spending money on “fake internet clothes” in video games. Last week I spent 3 hours researching the perfect ergonomic office chair and paid extra for “limited edition fabric.” I'm apparently one financial decision away from becoming the exact nerd I used to bully. FML
Today, I told my crush I liked him. Instead of rejecting me or telling me that he might have felt similar, he decided to pretend to be dumb and clueless and just kept asking who my crush was. I found out later that he knew all along but he just wanted to ragebait me. FML
Today, I was stuck in a stiflingly hot port-a-potty for 30 minutes with the worst bowel issues ever due to food poisoning. To make things worse, the maintenance guy came two minutes in to drain the thing and had to wait outside till I was done, muttering angrily at me as I took the humiliating walk of shame to my car. FML
Today, my mom said I was not allowed to spend Father's Day with my dad. When I tried to point out that I'm 24 years-old and she couldn't stop me, she disabled my car. I don't trust rideshare. FML
Today, after I spent months assisting my 'work bestie' with planning/arranging her "Surprise!" wedding, Surprise! I wasn't invited. FML
Today, my wife and I have been fighting and she's accusing me of being too controlling because I absolutely forbid her from putting pictures of our kids on social media. FML
Today, I went to a casino with $300 to spend and somehow walked out with $21K. When I told my wife, she sighed and moaned about how annoying taxes will be, and how I should have pushed my luck further. The house always wins, even when it loses. FML
Today, I’m sick and tired of women disrespecting my relationship. They come up and openly flirt with my man right in front of me, because no one thinks we’re together. I know it’s because he’s ripped like a Greek god while I’m 300lbs. He loves me as I am, I just wish other people would get it too. FML
Today, my girlfriend got drunk and said it was a shame that two handsome guys across the room were gay, because real men like that were perfect for marrying and having babies with. She has let me know many times she does not want to marry or have babies. Guess it’s just me she doesn’t want them with. FML
Today, I challenged myself and went skydiving! However, I made the mistake of doing so on an empty stomach. I made it through the freefall, and through most of the canopy bit, until low-blood-sugar induced dizziness made me blackout on final approach. I still remember most of it, but now I feel emasculated. FML
Today, my husband invited 20 of his friends over, no discussion, just 20 strangers in my house. I got mad and went upstairs to our bedroom, which has an en suite shower. I got naked, and yet another dude came out of our en suite and walked right past my bare ass while I screamed. FML
Today, my husband accidentally smashed a Pickleball straight into my nose at high speed and the pain dropped me like a sack of potatoes. I’m still waiting for a hug and an “I’m sorry babe” from him. That alone is more painful than my nose right now. FML
Today, it's been three days since I started using a habit-tracking app to become more productive. I created goals for exercising, reading, cleaning, drinking water, and going to bed early. Now after three days, I'd spent more time checking the app than doing any of the things it was tracking. FML
Today, I had a job interview in a hotel and arrived 20 minutes early. I sat in the lobby practicing answers while watching the elevators. Eventually, the receptionist walked over and asked if I was waiting for someone. I gave her the company name. She pointed across the street. I'd been practicing my interview in the wrong hotel. FML
Today, I looked at house listings, found my parents' home, empty and repainted. I hope they're OK. No calls. I'd been gone for months, ill, weak, and struggling to recover. They knew this. They threw away life memories, my body of work, new clothing and supplies for when I got back on my feet, and more. Gutted. FML
Today, my parents have smoked for most of their lives and are both healthy as horses. Meanwhile, I smoked for two years, then went through hell quitting, and just had my first asthma attack and was lectured about "long term effects of tobacco, even after cessation." THIS IS BULLSHIT! FML
Today, my girlfriend caught the bouquet at her friend's wedding, then shook them in my face like an accusation. I joined in the laughing with everyone else, but it put her in a mood, and she now hasn’t spoken to me in two days. FML
Today, I'd begged my family not to embarrass me in front of my girlfriend. Dinner went perfectly until my little brother showed her a video of me dancing, wearing nothing but a superhero cape. My girlfriend laughed so hard, she proposed a new nickname: Captain Cringe. FML
Today, a professor accused me of using ChatGPT to write an essay. His proof? My use of em dashes. You know, these – things. I have always used them. Look – – –, here's a few more. I'm so annoyed with AI and I'm afraid it's going to get worse. FML
Today, a week after my girlfriend of 6 years checked herself into a rehab program 5 hours away, she called me and said I was too much of a toxic enabler and not good for her mental health, so she ended it and I have to move out before she gets home. I was going to propose when she came home. I’m completely broken. FML
Today, just like every other celebratory day (like my anniversary or birthday) I ordered my own Christmas present. My husband doesn't get it. I tried to explain. He openly admits he has no idea what I like and has no interest in learning, but wants me to have something to open so he won't look bad. FML
Today, I tried to carry all my grocery bags in one trip. I was doing great until the plastic handles stretched and snapped in the parking lot. A carton of eggs exploded, an avocado rolled under a car, and a bottle of wine shattered. Someone asked if I needed help. I said no because I was too embarrassed. FML
Today, I told my family that for my birthday I didn’t want to do any chores and just wanted the house cleaned. What they heard was mom won’t do chores today so let’s leave them all for her tomorrow. I didn’t even have a clean mug for coffee this morning. FML
Today, my wife sold her first painting and was so proud of herself, until she found the buyer online and realized his YouTube page is full of videos where he paints over horrible art and turns it into good art. Her painting was on it, and yes, he visibly improved it and yes, my wife is raging at me. FML
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