Today, my adoptive parents were harassed yet again simply because they're black and I'm white. FML
Today, my ex-wife's kids, who I dumped alongside her and completely cut ties with when I found out they weren't mine, found me on social media. FML
Today, my wife inherited her grandparents' farm in Hawaii and she is now dead-set on uprooting our kids and everything, and moving the family there. I keep telling her that just isn't feasible or financially possible, but she won't take no for an answer. FML
Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor pounding on her roof/my floor. I thought she was being a Karen and wanting me to be quiet, even though I wasn’t doing anything. I stomped back defiantly to make a point. Turns out she was having an asthma attack and was asking for help. Oops. FML
Today, I look five months pregnant, but alas I'm just full of shit. I wish I could poop. FML
Today, it was a milestone birthday - another zero year - and I got many acknowledgments from everyone in my family, except for the one person that means the most to me: my wife never acknowledged my birthday. No card, text or anything. I truly believe she hates me. FML
Today, I went out on the porch to smoke a cigarette and then my two year-old son locked me out. I didn't have my cellphone so while I was waiting for my husband to get home, he pooped, smeared his poop all over the floor and glass door, then tried to "mop it." It was literally a shit show. FML
Today, I didn’t get a job I wanted because my interviewer claimed the music he heard coming from my car showed I was clearly unsuited to their professional work environment. I’ve got young kids, it’s not my fault my playlists are littered with songs from Disney, cartoons, and anime. FML
Today, I made the mistake of admitting to my husband that he was too perfect with the way he's always helping with cooking, cleaning and everything, and that it was starting to make me feel a little useless. He got mad and has now turned into the textbook definition of a lazy slob. I wish I'd kept my mouth shut. FML
Today, I bought noise-canceling headphones because my neighbors are loud. The first night I wore them, I completely missed the sound of my smoke alarm battery dying. Instead of hearing a faint beep every minute, I woke up to six missed calls from my roommate asking why I wasn't answering. FML
Today, my possibly soon-to-be ex-husband assaulted his sister because she said that our adoptive kids weren't really ours. Because of the pending criminal charges, we may have the adoption revoked. FML
Today, I waved at a dog through a car window because it looked pleased to see me. The dog wasn't looking at me. Its owner thought I was waving at him and got out to have a conversation. We talked for ten awkward minutes because he thought I was hitting on him. FML
Today, I got round to organizing my apartment, sorting everything into boxes and shelves. However, due to my arbitrary sorting method, I now can't find everyday things because they're not in their usual place (in a clutter on my desk), including the charger cable I used five minutes ago. My place looks organized. My life does not. FML
Today, like millions of others before me, I decided to start a YouTube channel. I was thorough, bought all the camera gear, decided on my content, came up with a gimmick, the works. The very first comment I got on my very first video was a request for nudes. FML
Today, at work, I gave ice cream to a kid and apple pie to his dad. The kid decided to grab a literal handful of the dad’s pie which was steaming hot. Cue the kid screaming and the dad yelling at me for not telling his kid that the dessert, that WASN'T HIS, was hot and he shouldn’t touch it. FML
Today, my ex invited me to dinner where we had a wonderful time. She even picked the first restaurant I'd took her to, and just as I was considering asking her to get back together, she tells me that she’s engaged and didn’t want me to find out from Facebook. I swear the chefs heard my heart break. FML
Today, at home, I always do my share of the chores. I just got back from a business trip and it turns out that I actually do ALL the chores. My wife was alone for 9 days, the kitchen was a in state, dirty laundry everywhere, cat litter box overflowing onto the floor, and the bathroom was fucking disgusting. FML
Today, I ate fruit for a snack before I left to visit my mom. When I arrived, she accused me of vaping because I smelled like fruit. I'm also 27. FML
Today, I just got the news that my mom wants to put down our dog because her back legs aren’t working well. I need someone to talk to. FML
Today, I joined a video meeting 5 minutes early and waited for everyone else to arrive. I spent the time quietly singing along to music in another tab. When the meeting started, my manager said, "We've been able to hear you for the last 5 minutes." I'd assumed the microphone was muted. FML
Today, by far the most accessible way to make ANY romantic connections outside of a bar is to evaluate 400 complete strangers based on their personal resumes, then schedule to meet them under romantic expectations, AKA a dating app. FML
Today, my husband complained that the kids are more attached to me than they are to him. Let’s see: I do all the housework, school activities, doctor and dentist appointments, extracurriculars, and cook dinner every night. What does he do? He works so he thinks we should all exalt him. FML
Today, I think my new girlfriend has a “man cleaning the house” fetish because when she saw me doing laundry for the first time at her house, she thanked me, then did porno type stuff to me in the living room. She now keeps asking to watch me clean naked, which I don’t find sexy at all. FML
Today, most people’s girlfriends get drunk and text nonsense. My girlfriend gets drunk and texts massive spoilers to books, shows, and movies I haven’t read or seen yet. FML
Today, it’s officially been 37 days since my fiance has seen me naked and longer than that since he’s tried to give me an orgasm. I’ve lost track of how long it’s been. I don’t want to end up like the people on here talking about sexless marriages for years and decades before we’re even married. No offense. FML
Today, I overheard coworkers talking about someone showing up with lettuce or something in their teeth. I laughed and joked it “could never be me.” Later, in the bathroom mirror, I discovered I’d had the same exact green blob stuck between my front teeth for hours. FML
Today, I went to a public tabletop RPG session, excited to finally try it out. It was full of a bunch of fucking theater kids that wanted to be friends with everything and not fight. Four interminable hours later, I finally escaped from the Chamber of Boredom. FML
Today, my daughter’s teacher tried to inconspicuously slide me a pamphlet for AA. When I asked her why, she told me that my daughter shared with the class that “Mommy drinks funny stuff from a bottle every single night and it tastes real bad!” Kombucha. I drink kombucha. FML
Today, while I was at work, a girl asked me if the Stitch (from Lilo and Stitch) plushie she wanted would be going on sale soon. After I told her I wasn't sure, her mom said they weren't going to buy it if it wasn't going on sale, and led her away. She looked absolutely crushed, and now my day is ruined. FML
Today, after a bad head cold, my boyfriend woke up, shambled to the bathroom and sniffled. He then pulled the biggest booger I've ever seen out of his nose; it looked like a giant slug. He took a picture, then set it as his lock screen. FML
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