Work: Today, I came to school late because I had to drop off my daughter... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 276

You deserved it 38

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 135

21/02/2009 11:22

Today, I came to school late because I had to drop off my daughter at school. When I got on campus, the security told me I was late but I said, "Oh no, I work here." and he said, "Oh like I haven't heard that one before." And he took me to detention. My boss, the Principal, had to bail me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 405

You deserved it 3 248

Stop talking!

Commando

Weird reason to leave, but OK

05/04/2012 06:47

Spicy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 625

You deserved it 3 535

16/05/2018 15:00

Today, while blowing my nose after being bunged up for days, it finally unblocked. A solid slimy multicoloured booger roughly the size of a grape shot out, blew right through the tissue and landed on my manager's shoe. Hell hath no fury like a lady sneezed upon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 721

You deserved it 482

22/07/2019 06:43

Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 497

You deserved it 131

04/02/2018 19:00

Today, my wife of 6 years came out as a lesbian. I moved out of state and away from family to start a new life with her. Turns out she's attracted to my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 811

You deserved it 355

24/01/2010 14:25

Today, after reading a sign at the airport, my 6-year-old son thought it would be funny to yell, "Daddy's got a bomb!" Airport security then tackled me to the ground. Oh, and I missed my flight and my mother's birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 390

You deserved it 3 635

16/12/2011 09:08

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 171

You deserved it 14 395

22/06/2016 04:05

Today, my parents, who aren’t usually lenient, allowed me to have my boyfriend over. We started to cuddle, things got a little heated, but then my sister walks in and says, “You do my math homework, or I tell mom what you guys were doing.” I don’t remember middle school math being this hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 359

You deserved it 4 146

08/04/2011 05:31

Today, I was talking to a guy on the phone. I told him I'd be right back. I thought I'd put him on mute. Turns out he heard everything as I took the biggest dump I've ever taken. We haven't talked since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 602

You deserved it 44 204

Thanksssss

By Mojosahomo - 10/01/2018 17:30

Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 079

You deserved it 584

21/08/2018 20:30

Today, in the bathroom at work, I heard two co-workers enter and begin a very private discussion. Not wanting to embarrass either of them, I figured I'd sit quietly until they left. Big mistake. They talked for an hour and a half. I couldn't feel my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 550

You deserved it 884

21/09/2010 22:07

Spicy

Today, I found my favorite stuffed animal I had as a child in the trash bin. I took it out to find that it felt wet and smelt funny. Apparently, my younger brother cut a hole in the butt of it and used it to masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 789

You deserved it 3 959

Mr Clean

By Jenn - 18/08/2021 09:59

Today, I discovered my new boyfriend doesn’t have toilet paper. He has a toilet cloth, which he instructed me to rinse off in the toilet after I was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 211

You deserved it 83

Information

By Anonymous - 31/05/2021 17:01

Today, my husband, who told me last week he was unhappy, wasn't in love with me anymore and is "talking" to someone else, asked me if I could give him the information for the people we've previously rented from, so he can move out. I gave him what I still had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 105

14/10/2009 15:19

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 934

You deserved it 3 734

18/12/2010 21:26

Today, I finally moved all my boxes into my new apartment. I was settling in when my alarm clock that was stashed in one of the boxes began ringing. Two hours and several boxes later, I still can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 676

You deserved it 5 781

28/01/2009 19:51

Today, I was feeling sick, so I called my boyfriend who lives down the street to come and keep me company. He replied with, "no, I can't come over, I'm busy, I'm playing xbox." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 689

You deserved it 5 310

New skills

By Anonymous - 27/09/2020 08:03

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity. Today, I also learned how to fake an orgasm. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 003

You deserved it 1 050

07/02/2013 00:26

Spicy

Today, I asked my mother if I could have my boyfriend sleep over for Valentine's day weekend. Her response? "If you're on your period he can. Unless he's into that. Then no." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 702

You deserved it 42 487

20/07/2010 00:23

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 668

You deserved it 4 097

31/08/2018 14:30

Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 208

You deserved it 230

07/06/2017 20:00

Today, my neighbor let me know that they've been taking care of my cats while I was away, including letting them in and out of my house. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 070

You deserved it 252

24/11/2009 18:45

Today, I watched Paranormal Activity which is known to be the scariest film ever. After the film, I went to brush my teeth and out of the corner of my eye I saw the bathroom door closing by itself. I jumped out of my skin and stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush. It was just my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 584

You deserved it 35 404

03/04/2011 17:31

Today, sun was shining and I felt confident enough to go sunbathing at the beach. In only my bikini and towel, I laid out to get some sun. A while later, a little girl came up to me and said, "Aren't you embarrassed that you're so huge?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 444

You deserved it 11 217

15/01/2013 07:23

Today, as part of a charity project called Operation Valentine, I worked with 150 other volunteers to make care packages and Valentine's Day cards to send to the troops in Afghanistan, thanking them for their courage. My boyfriend called the cards "cheating" and now refuses to see me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 334

You deserved it 4 028

29/09/2018 14:00

Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 564

You deserved it 255

03/03/2009 20:49

Today, I told my friend I hadn't had a period in 5 months. She asked me if I was pregnant. When I asked her if I looked 5 months pregant, she replied by saying "is that supposed to be a trick question?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 766

You deserved it 18 348

13/07/2015 09:45

Today, I was yelled at by a bunch of angry people because I couldn't physically move out of the way while 10 more tried to force their way onto a subway in Shanghai. Then one old lady started hitting me with her purse to get me to move even more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 864

You deserved it 2 051

21/12/2009 08:29

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend was sleeping, I got naked and sat on top of him. He woke up and I asked him if he would rather stay awake or go back to sleep, in hopes that he would stay awake and want to do some naughty stuff with me. His response? To grab my butt, and then go back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 262

You deserved it 19 777

12/12/2012 06:45

Today, it's been 13 months since I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 404

You deserved it 2 854

28/05/2011 06:54

Today, I finally told the girl I've been after for more than a year that I'm attracted to her. Her response? A slight hug with a pat on the back as she said "There, there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 855

You deserved it 4 649

13/09/2009 19:18

Today, my boyfriend of 8 months dumped me over the phone in between telling the Subway employees what he wanted on his sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 030

You deserved it 3 460

25/09/2015 13:46

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 284

You deserved it 7 726

21/03/2009 09:35

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home at 1am this morning from a friend's birthday party. I'm 30 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 957

You deserved it 127 962

19/09/2009 04:22

Today, I told my mom about the couple times that I'd skipped classes during high school. She got really mad and grounded me for a month. That would usually be normal except for the fact that I'm 27 and live in my own apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 591

You deserved it 6 251

08/10/2014 06:02

Today, I showed my mom a picture of a baby sloth. She then said, "Wait, sloths are real?" She thought Ice Age made them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 284

You deserved it 3 714

04/05/2010 07:33

Spicy

Today, I sent my boyfriend a naughty pic. I then asked him if there was anything else he wanted before I got dressed. His reply? "No it's fine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 895

You deserved it 15 607

18/04/2011 20:25

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 615

You deserved it 7 904

26/12/2016 05:59

Today, I dropped the collection basket during Christmas Mass at my Catholic church. Money and checks fell all over the floor and everyone was staring at me. I was too stunned to even pick it up. There were about 1,500 people from our town there and my family won't stop bringing it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 538

You deserved it 1 516

02/06/2012 23:25

Today, on the bright side, my boobs grew a size. Unfortunately, this was only after bed bugs decided to attack my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 706

You deserved it 3 176

Functioning

By Violet - 19/04/2011 09:50

Today, I realised that what I had thought was my dad's default state for the past 17 years is actually his drunken state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 217

You deserved it 3 378

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Effedtothemax 0

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Saturday 21 February 2009 23:08

no employee id?

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Saturday 21 February 2009 23:21

Something similar happened to a teacher friend of mine. She walked into the staff room and was told to get out as students weren't allowed in there.

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Effedtothemax 0

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Saturday 21 February 2009 23:08

no employee id?

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Saturday 21 February 2009 23:10

well, look on the bright side of it. i agree with #3. ;p

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Saturday 21 February 2009 23:21

Something similar happened to a teacher friend of mine. She walked into the staff room and was told to get out as students weren't allowed in there.

mikeyellenlee 0

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Saturday 21 February 2009 23:25

Be flattered you get mistaken for a high school student. Maybe wear some dark eyeliner or something, makes you look older.

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Saturday 21 February 2009 23:53

So, that school sends late students right to detention!? You'd think they wouldn't want to make them miss any more class...

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Tuesday 22 June 2010 20:09

no I'm pretty sure they meant jail...

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Friday 22 May 2015 3:51

My school did the same thing. Including being tardy. The idea was that you wouldn't be late to class next time. It actually worked. After a month tardies dropped by like 80 percent.

thatguynamedsky 32

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Monday 29 June 2015 3:58

mine does it too, i cant say if it helps but if you dont wanna go to class theres a way out and alot of students make themselves late on purpose

ModernDreamer 0

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Sunday 22 February 2009 0:39

When I was in high school everyone had to wear designated picture ID's to even get on campus, saying whether you were a student, staff, visitor, etc. It was intense.

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Sunday 22 February 2009 0:51

you don't have an ID card? to work in a school? that can afford a security guard?

CanadAssassiN 0

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Sunday 22 February 2009 0:56

wwwwoooowwww....I hate janitors.... its like they have their own stereotype. lol- i wonder what it was like to see all your students sitting next to you in detention. lol

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Sunday 22 February 2009 1:51

One time I went to another school to observe a class, and a teacher tried to take away my cell phone..... lol

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Sunday 22 February 2009 2:31

even if you didn't have a school ID, you could have just shown them your driver's license or something. you over 18 right ;O