Today, my three year-old son excitedly went to the window to watch the construction site next door. He does this all the time and it's adorable… at least, it was until a man got run over by a bulldozer with him watching. He screamed for hours and now cries if I don't keep the curtains closed. FML
Today, I tried to impress coworkers by saying I “don’t really watch TV” because I mostly read books. Unfortunately, someone immediately asked what I’d been reading lately, and the only honest answer was celebrity memoirs and conspiracy theory forum posts online at 2 a.m. FML
Today, my university professor asked us to submit anonymous course feedback. I wrote three paragraphs criticizing his lectures. Ten minutes later, I realized I'd left my full name at the bottom of the page. FML
Today, my mother died unexpectedly of a heart attack. To make matters worse, every time he thinks I’m not watching him, my husband has a Cheshire Cat grin on his face, and a few times I’ve even seen him dancing in happiness. FML
Today, I took a Tinder date home. Before we got down to sexy time, he used the restroom. While there, he was Googling what Lamotrigine was, which was from my prescription bottle to treat my bipolar disorder. He left because, “I don’t do crazy bitches.” This always happens when I disclose this. I give up on dating. FML
Today, I took my kid to Busch Gardens. All he said was, "Can we use the claw machines?" He wouldn't ride rides, watch shows, eat, or participate in anything besides begging to play the damn claw machines. I paid for the full day and dragged him out screaming after three hours. FML
Today, I'm a recovering self-harm addict (yes, that’s a thing). I’ve been doing well for years, but lately I’ve had intense urges to hurt myself by biting or scratching. I know the urges would go away if I acted on them, but I don’t want to hurt my family by hurting myself. FML
Today, I feel like I’m never going to have satisfying sex again. We have so many kids that I never get a moment’s peace. By the time they’re all taken care of and sleeping, I’m too exhausted to even think about sex. If I do, it’s a “let’s get it out of the way” type quickie to shut my husband up. FML
Today, my stepdaughter unexpectedly got her first period during a visit. I explained everything to her, then took her to the store to buy supplies and snacks. Her mother called and cussed me out for “stealing” this experience from her. Yeah I totally planned it to happen this way. FML
Today, I found out that my ex gifted a special handcrafted necklace I made for him to his new girlfriend. She wears it on all her socials. FML
Today, I met a truck driver at my job and he gave me some fatherly advice. The whole time I was listening, I was also thinking like, why didn't my dad stay and want to be in my life? FML
Today, I opened my fridge and found a single lemon, three sauces, and a 9V battery. I have no idea why the battery was there. I don't remember putting it there. I also don't remember owning anything that requires that particular battery. FML
Today, after I filed for divorce, the papers were received by my soon-to-be ex-husband on our wedding anniversary. FML
Today, I found out I'm going to have a sister. Who’s the mom gonna be? It’s my cousin from my mom’s side. My dad’s excuse? "Well, she ain’t blood related." FML
Today, I was working overnight with a handful of coworkers, one who has a reputation for being very quiet. He and I were alone when he suddenly burst into a beautiful folk song. When I told the others what happened, he pretended he didn't know what I was talking about, and now they think I'm nuts. FML
Today, my husband spent money and 14 hours learning how to make fake, realistic armour for our Dungeons and Dragons obsessed son, but refused to consider making a Disney dress for our little girl because, "That’s girly stuff, mommy can do it better than daddy." FML
Today, and hopefully for the last time, my grandma gave me a lecture about getting with the times, that it's socially acceptable nowadays, to be honest with myself, be free, and to come out. Emphasizing on the "Dearie" endearments. Apparently, to her and "most people today", being a bachelor-by-choice means you're gay. FML
Today, my abusive ex-stepfather managed to file a protection order on my sweet mum. Now, both of my younger siblings can no longer see or talk to her, and the police came to our door and took them. If they truly thought she was dangerous, wouldn't they take me too? He even has a real criminal record of abuse, and my mom is clean. FML
Today, I got reached out to by an old flame who, in her words, “wants to fuck the life out of me again.” We’re both engaged to new people and have kids. The hardest part? She looks even better now than ever, and I’m a fat hairy slob. FML
Today, I tried to sneak a burrito into a movie theater by hiding it in my jacket. Halfway through the trailers, the foil popped loudly, and the burrito slid out and rolled down the sloped aisle like a tiny log. The theater lights were still on, people turned to watch, so I pretended it wasn’t mine. FML
Today, I tried to carry all my grocery bags in one trip. I was doing great until the plastic handles stretched and snapped in the parking lot. A carton of eggs exploded, an avocado rolled under a car, and a bottle of wine shattered. Someone asked if I needed help. I said no because I was too embarrassed. FML
Today, as a college student on a budget, I treated myself to a haircut. The stylist asked if I liked it, even though it was much shorter than I wanted, and I said yes. When I got home, my roommate asked if I had joined the military. My mom asked if I was OK. I'm wearing hats for the foreseeable future. FML
Today, I bought an expansion to a card game, only to compare the card backs and realize I've owned a fake copy of the card game for two years. FML
Today, I surprised my 10-year-old nephew with an invitation to my family's upcoming Disney Cruise for his birthday, since he previously said he wanted to go. He said no. He'd "changed his mind." The ticket is nonrefundable. FML
Today, I’m so over this shite. I’ve been on the hunt for a job for 2 years. I have 30 years of management experience in multiple fields. I get interviews but never get hired. I even apply for entry level jobs and still can’t get hired. Prior to COVID, I’d never interviewed for a job I didn’t get. This economy sucks. FML
Today, my parents swore up and down for the umpteenth time that I'm their biological child, even though they're both white and I'm very obviously Hispanic. I know I'm adopted and I even got proof, but they dismiss it as AI. They keep insisting that "genetics are weird." I just want them to be honest with me. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's apartment. He started coming on to me so I pushed him away and said, "No chance." He said "Well, I'm horny, so I'm gonna take care of it myself. Can you go home now?" FML
Today, in an argument with her mother, my girlfriend told her she doesn’t want to marry a tall, attractive, successful man because she wants to marry me. I know what she meant but I’m still struggling not to feel upset by the comparison. FML
Today, my restraining order against my mother, who literally tried to murder me when I was 8 to prevent my dad from getting full custody of me, was denied. FML
Today, I’m a junior developer and I'd pushed what I thought was a minor fix right before logging off on Friday. Monday morning, I walked into a message: “Site down since Saturday.” My “tiny change” broke a key function. The whole team was already in a call when I joined, and I had to say, "Yeah, um… that was my commit.” FML
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