Today, I was at a party. A friend and I went to the bathroom together. She finished, I started to go, realising I need to shit. She was still in the room. People began to knock. My brain told me to snap the shit in half… with my hand. I grabbed the toilet paper with said hand, leaving the bathroom covered in shit. FML
Today, I tried to tell my dad that I was really struggling with my mental health and didn't think I could stay alive much longer. He laughed. This comes after telling my "best friend" last week and having to wait three days for a reply. FML
Today, and every day, is a reminder of things I can't have. Simple things, like a partner who understands me or a best friend. Not the best friend title that we give away, but a real best friend. The person that you can rely on emotionally. I see abusers have whole families, but I can't get people to stay in my life. I feel alone. FML
Today, my fiancée told me I'm not her type, and that my touch is repulsive. We've been living together for over a year, and have been together for over four. FML
Today, my mom told me that I wasn't allowed rights until I was eighteen, or until I took on some duties. The rights include having or expressing ideals that don't match up with hers. She doesn't know what duties I should have. My options are to either take on nonexistent duties, or keep my mouth shut for years. FML
Today, I had such an intense stomach ache I couldn’t even stand up. I ended up shitting my pants. I’m 13. FML
Today, I had a date with a woman I had been talking to for a month. We hit it off, the date went fantastic, and we agreed to see each other again. Fast forward a few hours and I'm told she decided to pursue someone else, equates it to "bad timing", but wants to be friends. If not for bad luck, I'd have no luck. FML
Xandler tells us more.
Xandler 8
OP here. First published FML! Woot! Backstory for anyone who cares. We met of PoF, we talked and got to know each other, like the FML said for about a month. The date was a spur of the moment thing as she said she was interested. So, we went out, we both had a fun time. I knew she was seeing someone else (they apparently had 2 dates), and I guess he asked her that night to be exclusive. As a little sidenote, by her admission she told me her relationships with men she has been with have been toxic. It's whatever now, I wished her the best and told her I'd be around if she needed to chat.
Today, I learned my husband was told to isolate for 10 days but hid it from me and pretended to go to work every day, then snuck back home after I left to take the kids to daycare, and has basically had a chore and child-free holiday, playing Xbox every day. FML
Today, my dad handed me my refilled birth control prescription. I thanked him, and he replied, "Well, God forbid you run out and reproduce." FML
Today, I'm really puzzled about explaining what he saw to our 6-year old. So, he walked in on us mid-sex, which itself would be barely acceptable if there were only the two of us, his married parents, but actually a dead drunk threesome between my husband, his best male friend, and me. FML
Today, I stopped to gas up. The pump wasn't taking my BP rewards card, and it said to go see the cashier. I went in to ask what's up, where the cashier politely pointed out that I was in a Shell gas station, not a BP. FML
Today, somebody stole approximately 2000$ worth of army gear from me, which I have to pay for because my leadership didn't care about replacing my room key. My leadership is going to blame me for it in the end, and treat me worse because of it. FML
Today, while on holiday in Melbourne, I begged my wife to take a day off from yelling angrily at our 4 year-old. A few hours later, she was cursing and yelling in front of gathering onlookers because he didn't want to go inside LegoLand. FML
Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for the night so she could calm down. All I did was suggest her headache might improve with paracetamol and a nap, as opposed to the burning sage stinking up our bedroom and the crystal wand she had pressed against her eyes. FML
Today, in the locker room, I saw a girl with a nice hairless ass changing in front of me and the only thing I could think of was how hairy my ass would look if I dared to change in front of other people like she did. I’m also a girl. FML
Today, I watched an old man pee himself while he was talking to me at work. I didn't do anything or say something, solely because he didn't get any on the floor. FML
Today, I've learned that you can get chronic obstructive pulmonary disease from second-hand smoke, even if you don't smoke. I don't have it yet, but my parents are heavy smokers. They insist that the health risks are "exaggerated". Why don't you go tell that to my grandma, who actually DOES have COPD and was a heavy smoker until recently? FML
Today, while interviewing a potential candidate for a job, I farted during a moment of silence. Trying to cover it up, I blurted out, "Wow, this chair is squeaky!" The candidate just stared at me, and I'm pretty sure their chances of getting the job squeaked away, because I couldn't bear seeing them every day after that. FML
Today, I've noticed a pattern with my classmates: Every time a new student shows up, they are treated by my classmates as though they've known each other for years. Everyone except me. When I first came along, I was more or less a wallflower. No one wanted anything to do with me. The same is true today. FML
Today, and over the years, my wife has methodically destroyed our house, insisting she is good at DIY. Our house is either in bits, half-finished or falling apart. I had it confirmed by a realtor, who assessed the house as worth 100 grand less than we paid for it. It’s a building site with a roof. FML
Today, I went all out for a date with the girl of my dreams. I planned a romantic horse ride along a ridge down to a scenic valley for a picnic at sunset. Turns out she’s absolutely terrified of horses, and heights make her queasy. We ended up at the only restaurant nearby, McDonald’s. FML
Today, I found out my "nice" boss was only nice to me for my first month. She's now started yelling at me for every little thing. FML
Today, I found out my Chemistry professor failed me on purpose, all because she’s still salty about me dating her ex-husband. This was well over a year ago. You’d think someone with a PhD would be mature enough to move on and stop being a bitter bitch. FML
Today, I woke up in jail. Apparently I incorrectly recited the alphabet, complete with singing “Now I know my ABC’s, won’t you come and play with me…” during a sobriety test. I wasn’t driving. I don’t even own a car. FML
Today, my school announced plans to do a Memorial Day event near the end of the year, where students can invite people they know who are war veterans. Everyone wants me to invite my uncle, since he's pretty well-known around here. I don't have the heart to tell them he has terminal cancer. FML
Today, after spending the night anxiously waiting for a negative COVID test result which would allow me to travel, I got to the airport in the morning, despite delays, and finally realized that my wallet is sitting on my couch at home. I'm on the plane now. There's no going back. FML
Today, I found out that my wife's dog had peed on my side of the bed, while I was sleeping. I thought I had just drooled in my sleep, until I noticed it had turned yellow during the day. FML
Today, I've been living with my new roommate's dogs for three days now. In an ironic twist, the small one is very well-behaved, while the two big ones are disobedient little shits. Every day, I get a thousand more reminders as to why I'm a cat person. I can't do this anymore. FML
Today, my mom sent me home with some delicious-looking BBQ ribs because I'd missed a cookout due to work. I set them on the counter, intent on putting them in the oven, but had to make a quick run to the bathroom. I came back to find my roommate's cat sitting in the plate, covered in sauce, as he helped himself. FML
Today, it’s a rather wet summer and everything in our house is prone to mould. No, I’m not exaggerating when I say “everything”: I just found mould growing on the plates in the cupboard. And, no, we did not accidentally put them away unwashed. FML
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