Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I asked my wife for a kiss. She snarled, "I'm your WIFE, just fucking kiss me! You don't have to ask!" Later, I went in for a kiss and she slapped me, then yelled that it was my fault for "getting in her face." FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML
Today, I got home from work and was immediately greeted by my wife following me around, moaning and complaining endlessly. I got so fed up that I went into the fridge, cut some cheese, and gave it to her, saying, "Some cheese to go with the whine." She broke the plate over my head. It was worth it. FML
Today, my wife accused me of cheating. Why? Because I recently started working out, and according to her, no married man tries to improve his physique unless he's trying to look good for other women. FML
Today, while heading to the bathroom, I saw my girlfriend putting some lingerie under my bed. I stupidly thought it was for some sexy time later. Well, later on, she dramatically "found" the lingerie and broke up with me. Almost everyone believes her story and thinks I'm a dirty cheater. FML
Today, at a bar, a drunk girl kissed me, so I went home and confessed what happened to my girlfriend. She forgave me but took it as permission to admit she’s cheated sexually at least once a month for over a year, then got mad I didn’t immediately forgive her like she forgave me. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating after she read some of my messages I sent to an old female friend. Apparently I'm very flirty with her. I showed her the same kind of messages that I sent to my guy friends as well. Now I'm apparently gay and cheating. FML
Today, I followed my wife out, since she's been acting strangely lately and I was suspicious. She met up with a guy at a restaurant, who she later claimed was her brother. Either she's cheating on me, or it's tradition in her family to make out and grope each other at the end of meals. FML
Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML
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Top comments
perdix 29
She probably just had the taste of penis on her lips and got confused. Honest mistake, no harm done :D
massinator5 4
Those magazines are evil, man
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Comments (132)
TourettesGuyFTW 25
And maybe her own butthole too. If she can.
TheDrifter 23
She should taste test it against his own penis as a comparison, just to make sure it wasn't simply the taste of him.
Kateyez_26 13
Cosmos aren't ruining relationships, they're just for entertainment purposes. It's the stupid bitches that actually do the stuff in them that are ruining relationships.
lysx84 24
I don't understand all the grief Cosmo is getting on this, unless it's different in America...?
harrypotter4evur 15
I'm not even going to ask why she knows what penis tastes like. :/
Shrike 23
This actually made me burst out laughing, but for all the wrong reasons.
Cazz91 21
Well you see...when two people have sex, there is an oral activity for both partners that they can do to each other. One activity to indicate what a penis may taste like to one of the partners is called a ******** or sucking ****/ dick / penis. To start that activity off, you insert the penis into your mouth. You're welcome.
graceinsheepwear 33
Maybe you are a little young for FML.
flashback_fml 14
You be sucking dick bro lmao jk
BlueRainDude 11
I'm sobbing dude
ArchangelOKC 8
What kind of psycho would vote "You deserved it" on this!?!?
jmcr 27
It must have been his wife making a new account so she could YDI him over and over
Epikouros 31
The FML app and the mobile site are designed to make people click the wrong button. Why? Because this site is run by people who enjoy other people's misfortune, from the country that produced the Marquis de Safe.
heyheynow 12
awww that sucks lol!
TheSouffleGirl 6
*sucks*
ecascio2010 9
Your wife sound like a ******* moron. What is wrong with people nowadays?
BlueRainDude 11
What did you say to her in response. "Oh... Sorry? No?"