Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML
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Today, I asked my wife for a kiss. She snarled, "I'm your WIFE, just fucking kiss me! You don't have to ask!" Later, I went in for a kiss and she slapped me, then yelled that it was my fault for "getting in her face." FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML
Today, I got home from work and was immediately greeted by my wife following me around, moaning and complaining endlessly. I got so fed up that I went into the fridge, cut some cheese, and gave it to her, saying, "Some cheese to go with the whine." She broke the plate over my head. It was worth it. FML
Today, my wife accused me of cheating. Why? Because I recently started working out, and according to her, no married man tries to improve his physique unless he's trying to look good for other women. FML
Today, while heading to the bathroom, I saw my girlfriend putting some lingerie under my bed. I stupidly thought it was for some sexy time later. Well, later on, she dramatically "found" the lingerie and broke up with me. Almost everyone believes her story and thinks I'm a dirty cheater. FML
Today, at a bar, a drunk girl kissed me, so I went home and confessed what happened to my girlfriend. She forgave me but took it as permission to admit she’s cheated sexually at least once a month for over a year, then got mad I didn’t immediately forgive her like she forgave me. FML
Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating after she read some of my messages I sent to an old female friend. Apparently I'm very flirty with her. I showed her the same kind of messages that I sent to my guy friends as well. Now I'm apparently gay and cheating. FML
Today, I followed my wife out, since she's been acting strangely lately and I was suspicious. She met up with a guy at a restaurant, who she later claimed was her brother. Either she's cheating on me, or it's tradition in her family to make out and grope each other at the end of meals. FML
Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML
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Top comments
perdix 29
She probably just had the taste of penis on her lips and got confused. Honest mistake, no harm done :D
massinator5 4
Those magazines are evil, man
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Comments (132)
Larawk 8
Might be time to change your Chapstick
imaboss177 5
Lol
KitchenWitch1994 17
Pretty sure it's not the magazine and that she's just completely off her rocker.
jdrappi 12
I would wager that you did do it,and shes right.
Joedbag 8
Not gonna lie, you might wanna consider divorcing that moron...
graceinsheepwear 33
It's funny that she accused you not just of cheating, but same-sex cheating. I would have thought she would go for the 'you taste like another woman' type of accusation. Is there a history here you're not telling us about that would make her go in that less intuitive direction?
FlyingPie 17
#40: If he had the taste of his dick on his lips, that would mean he could suck his own dick, which could be a fairly awesome skill..
2ru 14
WTF, I don't know what's worse the magazine test or your wife even entertaining that your a pole smoker.
Epikouros 31
You shouldn't have eaten Cheez Whiz on your lunch break.
graceinsheepwear 33
That was just a *****.
theboy13 13
Why would some people vote that he deserves this? How on earth would he cause this?