Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and he slid his hand up near my face too fast and ended up clocking me in the nose. It is the first time that I've ever had nosebleed while orgasming. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, I was having sex with my partner and we got very into it. I went to wrap my hand around his neck and somehow accidentally poked my finger in his eye socket so hard he ended up in emergency. He still can’t see properly out of that eye now. FML
Today, I got my boyfriend's pants down for the first time and turns out my thumb is bigger than his erect penis. I already know he has weak tongue technique, but this is an extra slap in the face I do not need. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML
Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. Apparently, I was so bad at it that he eventually just slapped my hand away and angrily said he'd do it himself. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML
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Top comments
EdenCrystal 21
Well he won't be getting a peck on the cheek anytime soon.
fuckedPriceless 17
Why were you being so nosy?
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Comments (105)
gracehi 31
Perhaps next time he should use the airplane method. "Open the hangar door! Here comes the airplane! Ppppbbb!"
JMichael 25
*woody woodpecker laugh*
oooohmygosh 8
Dump him. You were trying to do something nice for him. He could at least respect you. I'm sorry though, that's so embarrassing.
cyttex 13
Really? Straight to dumping him, too many sensitive people in this world.
TunaFireStarter 16
Depends on how long they've been dating and what kind of gal OP is. That kind of embarrassment (and it could end up being long term if they continue to call her the name) can be too much to handle for some people. I wouldn't say that they are too sensitive, though.
gracehi 31
You don't tell people about what happens in the bedroom with your girlfriend, ESPECIALLY if it's embarrassing. And you DEFINITELY don't make fun of her for it. That's humiliating and you don't humiliate someone you care about for your own amusement. If he doesn't know that, then he's clearly not mature enough for a relationship. So, yes, dumping him would be appropriate.
saocrates 16
23, I don't think they were humiliating her but just having a bit of fun. Think some people are overreacting.
gracehi 31
Fun for THEM maybe. What if she told all her friends about his small penis or impotence and made fun of him for it? Would that be okay?
flame5768 14
if it was big enough for her to hit it with her nose, i'm pretty sure it's not small
gracehi 31
*face palm* That's not the point, 34.
cryssycakesx3 22
if it's not OK to talk it shouldn't be on fml.
gracehi 31
The difference is that it's anonymous on FML. Know one here knows who OP or her boyfriend are. So no, just because it's okay to discuss it anonymously with strangers, doesn't make it okay to discuss it with friends.
SweetasCandy0609 28
#25 yes they were having fun but at OP'S expense and that is not cool especially if he says he cares about her, that should of remained between the two of them and not made into a joke with his friend's.
gracehi 31
*No one. That's weird. I wasn't even drunk when I wrote that comment.
jet_life 3
it's not like girls don't talk about their boyfriends like that. both genders do it and quite often. relationships are never completely private. it's not right but it's the truth.
LouisvilleLuke 10
You're a moron 16
SouthernLady12 13
EX-boyfriend... since he likes sharing you can share with his friends the reason you hit your nose is because it's so small you couldn't see it
cyttex 13
My god people this is not a instant "let's break up" thing
saocrates 16
A bit much ain't it? After all seems it was just a joke...
SWC_Penguin 17
Let me ask you something. If I said "my friend was mean to me today" would you say "Oh, then he must be Jewish/Black/Retarded/Mexican/Hairy-Armed"? No? It's not ok to take something that people are born as and use it as an insult? Maybe? Well, apparently not to you.
SouthernLady12 13
Yup all fun and games to tell everyone about your sex life smh it's supposed to be a private and intimate matter. I apologize for not seeing your point on allowing sex communication to be public in the circle of friends. Next sharing sexting pics will be okay too right?
brianlarkin 7
I'm dying
Rainhawk94 27
No cpr for you
Dthsapprntc 23
*Checks hourglass* Hmmm, no, no you're not. Try again later. *Puts scythe away*
weveallbeenthere 30
not cool on his part.
aedar 16
I'm sorry, he shouldn't have told his friends, but the nickname is hilarious :)
perdix 29
Better nickname than "Dicknose" (which would have been accurate.)
kiki9_fml 10
No more blowies for him then!
buttcramp 21
blowies is awesome lol I've never heard that word before!
kiki9_fml 10
Haven't you seen I Love You Man?!
SaucyGirl106 18
at least you were considerate and willing to give him a bj. He should be grateful, you could have been one of the females that refuse to do so. Chin up, op. Nothing to be ashamed of by a blotched attempt. No one starts out an expert.