Was it me?

What kind of man sits when they pee? Wait unless, no it can't be real. Oh dear,,,,

unless *gasp* it's a woman

You need to lay off the sauce, bud.

How drunk were you??

I’m assuming you were drunk, either way wtf

Uhmm, this is obviously a female. Unless the guy took his pants down and squatted to pee, it was a female. Drunk or not, if you were outside your own place, why couldn't you get in? Did you not notice when you woke up that you needed to wipe your ass?

Hey "Doc", I'm no medical expert, but I've seen enough drunk people to know that the body can do certain things involuntarily when they're wasted. You don't need to squat to shit. If you're relaxed, you can do it standing up, and have it fall out your pants leg without noticing. Until further notice, I'm gonna go with the icon, and read this story as if it happened to a drunk dude. Also, you can lock yourself out of your house if you misplace your keys, and you can do that drunk or sober. My guess is his/her friend managed to get OP inside, but after their mishap, and may have been too drunk/apathetic herself to clean it up.