By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 19:00 - Australia

Unhappy birthday

Today, my cleaner wished me a happy birthday. My family and friends forgot. FML

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Who's a good boy?

Assumptions

Noise

By badbride - 26/7/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

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By Username - 9/7/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, I realized that my wife is such a bitch normally, she's actually nicer when she is on her period. FML

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By lala - 11/11/2010 02:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were flipping through magazines and got on the topic of how airbrushed the girls were. My boyfriend then pointed out all of the flaws on my body that would need to be airbrushed away if I was in a magazine. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2018 15:00

Today, my stepmother proved once again that she likes to play favourites. She has no job, so anything she gifts comes from my dad’s account. On my last birthday, I got £5 on a cheap card. Today, my step-brother's birthday, he got £400 and an iPad. He’s 4 years old. FML

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By lolo - 22/2/2013 00:16 - Israel - Ofaqim

Today, I downloaded a movie that I already own on DVD, because I was feeling too lazy to get up and fetch it from the living room. I think I've hit rock bottom. FML

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By King.Dick. - 2/4/2015 14:21 - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

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By horp - 29/9/2015 22:00 - United States - Torrington

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

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By Lennyr - 28/8/2016 06:36 - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my first born child. Somehow, my mom and mother in law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother in law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

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By cat lady - 7/1/2016 03:38 - United States - Netcong

Today, I found out the reason why my cat would sometimes go outside for days at a time was because when she would go out, my neighbor would lure her in with cat treats and keep her there for up to 2 days. She's an indoor cat now. FML

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By Nasu Johi - 6/9/2018 00:00 - United States - New York

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 20:30

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with four departments at my college due to a mistake on my tuition bill. The last guy I talked to told me to call the financial aid office and hung up before I could respond. That was the first office I called. FML

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By - 30/1/2019 00:00

Today, the little bell in my car that lets you know your keys are still in your ignition went out. How did I find out? I locked myself out of both my house and my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2014 23:57 - United States - Akron

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying, ranting about all the things she could have done in life if I hadn't been born. FML

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By Starchaser - 16/4/2017 19:23

Today, I helped my children dye Easter eggs. They did great. My husband, however, is covered in dye spots and glitter from "helping." FML

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By Not his SunShine anymore - 10/7/2016 23:04 - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over something that happened 5 years ago. We've only been together for 2 years as of this July. FML

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By caseyj - 25/3/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party. A half hour in, a girl started showing me pictures of her cat. That was the high point of the night. FML

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By grossedout - 8/9/2011 06:34 - Reserved

Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9 inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML

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By Jdub - 28/5/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2015 12:28 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, it was my 18th birthday and I was told I couldn't get the night off work because a party of 34 had booked into the restaurant. It turned out my family had come in to 'celebrate' by making me wait on them. They were a nightmare, thought it was hilarious to be difficult, and didn't tip. FML

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By beckbm23 - 21/11/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, at work at a grocery store an old couple came through my checkout lane. As I was putting their bagged groceries in the cart, the old man started feeling me up. FML

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By Garrison - 18/12/2017 15:40 - United States - Anchorage

I'm innocent!

Today, I was arrested for kidnapping a child. MY child. Do you know how hard it is as a white man to convince a police officer that a latino toddler screaming, "Stranger danger!" is yours? FML

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By WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE, SIR SHITSPAWN!!!1! - 9/8/2013 22:13 - United States

Today, this weird kid in class asked me on a date. He claims to be a werewolf. His excuse for not being able to turn into one? A "rare disease." His excuse for everyone rejecting him? "Friend-zoning bitches." I was the last resort even for a jackoff "nice guy" werewolf. FML

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By MessedXUp - 25/9/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a new guy after not dating for quite some time. I'd drank a lot of water, so I wouldn't eat so much on the date and look like a pig. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten how funny this guy really was. He made me laugh so hard, I peed all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2014 15:24 - Germany

Today, I was trying on bikinis at a local store. When I put my pants back on, my foot got stuck, I tripped and fell through the curtain of the fitting room, topless. FML

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By Sam - 9/2/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I toured an art museum. Our tour guide had an obvious lisp, so I tried my best not to laugh. When she asked me a question about a sculpture, I accidentally responded "Yeth ma'am". She ended the tour right there. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2014 17:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2015 00:10 - United States - Persia

Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my life, asked me out. I turned her down in the most harmless way I could. Three hours later, I found my car keyed and my windshield wipers gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, I was walking through the store when I saw a little boy point to me and say something to his mom. I was out of earshot at the time, but I got close enough just in time to hear the mom reply, "God says we have to love everyone, even if they're ugly." FML

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By Grand Slam - 10/9/2013 18:44 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML

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By Puggle1019 - 17/7/2018 20:30

Today, my brother gave me a massive rope burn. He got a 30-second talk with our mother. I got an allergic reaction to the lotion used to ease the pain. My mother said I was overreacting. FML

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By JealousBratMuch - 26/7/2013 00:51 - Canada - High River

Today, my eldest daughter has 'officially' removed herself from our family and will no longer communicate with any of us. Apparently it's my fault that her younger sister is having a baby before her, and she can't be part of a family that 'treats her so unfairly'. FML

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By Nutty - 24/6/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to this cute guy on an airplane who I had started talking to. There was still an empty seat between us and it seemed like there weren't any more passengers boarding the plane. I then asked out loud, "I wonder if anyone will sit between us?" He replied "I hope so." FML

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By GamerTag - 2/10/2012 13:11 - United States - Wantagh

Today, I realized I might lose my job because some asshole customer complained about me to my district manager. His complaint? Girls can't work at video game stores. My DM agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

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By AngelAshley - 22/2/2010 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2015 17:48 - United Kingdom - Glenrothes

Today, my boss bitched me out for violating workplace privacy, after he found an FML post from last year that eerily resembled a situation that happened the same year. He thought I posted it and twisted things to make him look like an idiot. I've never posted here in my life. FML

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By badmom101 - 16/5/2009 11:26 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 09:57 - United States

Today, after 3 nights of insomnia, I was finally able to doze off. My boyfriend woke me up just to ask which soda in the fridge was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 14:51 - Canada

Today, I hit a patch of black ice and totaled my car. The car is a month old. For the next 5 years I'll be paying for a car I can't drive. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2015 03:59 - United States - Breaux Bridge

Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

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Top comments

By Pulman | 13

#7857008 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 3:27

Happy birthday!

By shannon2348 | 14

#7857000 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 3:00

you probably reminded your cleaner and they had to say it.

COMMENTS

By Boyufd | 22

#7856996 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 2:16

you had a better better than me. nobody wish me happy birthday

Reply

ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7857056 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 10:11

aw don't worry birthdays are overrated anyways

Reply

Sheila Deville | 15

#7857463 - Thursday 7 November 2019 15:31

Good news is you have a cleaner, who cared enough to remember. I didn't get a happy b-day and i don't have a cleaner, i am the cleaner for 3 grown adults, non of whom say thank you either.

Reply

Ethan Gabriel Vivas | 3

#7857922 - Saturday 9 November 2019 8:38

atleast somebody remembered

Reply

Monica Castillo | 10

#7858073 - Sunday 10 November 2019 0:27

Happy belated birthday, dear!!

By shannon2348 | 14

#7857000 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 3:00

you probably reminded your cleaner and they had to say it.

By Pulman | 13

#7857008 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 3:27

Happy birthday!

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7857055 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 10:08

She probably heard you wishing yourself a happy birthday

By Paul Rushing | 19

#7857527 - Thursday 7 November 2019 20:25

Your birthday is most likely in your history in their folder for you

By YallDeservedItJk | 22

#7858007 - Saturday 9 November 2019 16:28

I’m sorry OP that really sucks :( Happy belated birthday!!!

By Monica Castillo | 10

#7858072 - Sunday 10 November 2019 0:26

I’m so sorry OP! Happy belated birthday from Texas!!