Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot.... - FML

By Meowit - 7/9/2014 03:06 - United States - Livonia

Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot. Except my dog who left me a present on my bed. FML

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Proactive

Emergency haircut

Tidy your room

By CoolGuy69 - 12/9/2016 11:53 - Sweden - M?lnlycke

Today, I studied all night for a big test. I ended up falling asleep on the bus ride there. I woke up in a different province. FML

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By NotThePotty - 19/10/2015 10:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, according to daycare, my son is behind in his potty training curriculum because we are not "celebrating his natural bodily functions" enough. He turned 2 a week ago, and he peed on our bed last night because we're trying to meet this demand. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2017 06:00

Today, I was getting one of the best blow jobs I have ever received. My girlfriend was getting into it when I heard an "uh oh". Her tongue ring got twisted around the hair close to my balls. She started to pull, I started to scream. FML

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By abigiggles - 26/8/2018 22:00

Today, a spider came down from its web in front of my face. This would have been fine and I could have killed it easily if I wasn't in my car. Driving on the highway. I cried. FML

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By Eternal_Babyface - 8/11/2015 17:14 - United States

Today, I was talking to a friend and bemoaning the fact that my new coworkers keep mixing up my gender. She looked at me critically and said, "Yeah, until you can grow a decent beard, people are going to keep thinking you're an intern or a butch lesbian." FML

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By texasbest - 2/9/2015 02:39 - United States - Lindale

Today, at my new job, I walked into the office to hear my supervisor and HR manager talking about how, "the new guy isn't very smart, but we can get him to do the shit work for a couple weeks." Gee, thanks. FML

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By sadmother - 1/7/2011 23:12 - Canada

Today, I asked my daughter what time it was. She stared at the clock for several seconds before muttering, "I don't know". She's 14 years old and on the honour roll, and yet she can't tell the time on an analogue clock. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 12:16 - United States

Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go pick it up, tripped over my coffee table which gashed my leg, and knocked over my brand new 50" LCD TV, which broke over my head. Turns out it was a wrong number. FML

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By Smitty Werbenjeagermanjensen - 27/10/2016 03:19 - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had a conversation with the cute girl I like at work for the first time. I told her I worked in the camping department of the store, and we had a long chat about how she heard that the guy who runs that department is a complete dick head. I am the guy who runs that department. FML

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By dumping time - 25/11/2012 22:38 - United Kingdom - Aylesford

Today, I woke up to my balls covered in Icy Hot, a big old "fuck you" note from my girlfriend, and my door slamming shut. I'm starting to get the distinct impression I shouldn't have made that off-hand remark last night about her PMSing, after she rage-quit a game of Mario Kart. FML

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By Max - 4/3/2017 22:00

Today, I sent a thank you note after a job interview, emphasizing my accuracy at editing written reports; I misspelled the company's name. FML

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By Immafail - 20/12/2016 18:32

Today, my mother decided to "help me" by throwing out the stack of papers on my desk. Unfortunately, those were all my notes for my final exams. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her cat for the vet. She forgot who I was and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. FML

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By kellthryn - 17/3/2020 23:00

Stop! Thief!

Today, during my work shift, my car got stolen and I had to walk home on the rain. While I was walking home, my stolen car drove by. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 03:19 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my long-distance boyfriend and I decided to be a bit naughty on Skype. It was 3am so we assumed that my dad was asleep and did some dirty talk. When we were done, I heard my dad laughing outside my room; he'd heard it all. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see four kids taking the hubcaps, radio, and license plates off of my truck. I chased them six blocks until I tripped and twisted my ankle. I limped back to my car and found a ticket on my windshield for $55 dollars. The reason? Missing license plates. FML

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By deee21 - 24/9/2011 08:23 - Australia

Today, while resting in bed, I felt a slight tickle on my neck. Thinking it was a cockroach, I panicked and flung it across the bedroom. Turns out it was my brand new necklace, which is now broken into dozens of pieces. FML

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By Fillifilo - 18/4/2012 04:38 - France

Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML

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By cydia123 - 10/5/2019 06:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

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By Emyka - 21/9/2016 10:51 - Austria

Today, at my job of 2 months, I'd taken it upon myself to water the plants around the office every day since they all looked a little sad. My boss then asked why so many of the fake plants were getting mouldy. My co-workers had watched me water plastic plants for 2 months and nobody bothered to tell me. FML

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By lil_munchkinjen - 9/2/2009 00:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

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By IMayBeAFool - 13/10/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, after I have spent $3,000 dollars in preparations to move in with my girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years, she confesses she's a mental patient who stole someone elses identity. She was telling the truth. FML

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By Anonymous90 - 24/7/2010 23:59 - Canada

Today, I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. I put it on, walk out to the living room, and tell my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. He says no, and then pretends to fall asleep. FML

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By 34_22_34 - 28/7/2010 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. He said we’d go pick up the ring tomorrow. Then he asked to borrow $40 to get it out of pawn. He pawned it when his ex gave it back to him. FML

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By killme - 7/3/2015 18:42 - United States - Broomfield

Today, at a big family dinner, my dad said, "Pfff, gays don't have it hard at all. The things a guy has to do for sex with a girl? Crazy. All a gay guy has to do for sex is become an altar boy!" My husband's side of the family is very religious, and all hell quickly broke loose. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2016 19:12 - United States - Watonga

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

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By Casden - 13/9/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. I have been getting explicit texts and phone calls so I just joking said to my friend, "I think someone wrote my number on a bathroom stall." At which point he said, "Sorry, I didn't think people really called those numbers." FML

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By keerta_fml - 4/5/2017 02:00

Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML

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By Hth - 28/10/2008 00:13 - United States

Today, I farted A LOT during my exam, all silent so I figured I should be OK. Then I looked around and everybody was suffocating and giving me sly looks. I am now known to everyone in the department as SuperFart. FML

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By Albert - 26/4/2020 17:00

Useless

Today, I used up the last of my deodorant for a business meeting on Zoom. FML

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By mrtut - 29/10/2010 12:17 - United Kingdom

Today, as a physics teacher, I was testing a class to see how high a sound frequency they could hear. One girl claimed she could hear the sound even though it was physically impossible. Without thinking, I replied "Only dogs can hear this frequency." Needless to say, she was picked on all day. FML

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By secret_source - 17/5/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, my first date consisted of him and me in the emergency room of the hospital after his little brother hit me in the face with a baseball bat. FML

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By oops - 14/8/2014 21:54 - United States

Today, I made fun of a girl singing passionately along to a song on her radio while in traffic next to me. She decided that her chocolate milkshake would make a good addition to my brand new seat covers. FML

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By tahneee - 31/5/2019 20:00

Today, I went to a function with my dad for a football team. Handing my dad the camera, I finally worked up the courage to ask for a photo with my favourite player. The guy was looking at my boobs in all three photo attempts. FML

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By - 6/11/2019 18:00

Touched for the very first time

Today, I went to a new doctor. She asked me how long I had been sexually active. I said I'm not. I'm 24. FML

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By MexicanMe - 14/9/2012 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had breakfast with his grandmother. She told him how I'm prettier than "that Mexican" he'd brought home for dinner last week. We had dinner with her last week, and I'm that same Mexican. She then went on to how Mexicans are what's wrong with the economy. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 17:44 - United Kingdom - Saint Leonards

Today, I shaved my pubes while staying at my senile grandma's place. I guess I didn't clean up properly, because she found some hair and insisted someone must have broken in while we were out and used the shower. I had to play along to spare myself embarrassment. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2015 22:50 - United States - Howell

Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML

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By laughingflame - 4/8/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2011 16:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

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Top comments

By Gweedo65 | 16

#6059163 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:40

Happy Birthday!

By azelk | 8

#6059178 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:48

No shit.

Comments

By Gweedo65 | 16

#6059163 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:40

Happy Birthday!

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#6059269 - Sunday 7 September 2014 19:03

Pee on him to let him know who's boss.

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6059300 - Sunday 7 September 2014 19:28

Yes, because that's a great idea.

Reply

naajster | 14

#6059343 - Sunday 7 September 2014 19:50

well.. surprise!!!

Reply

noah_1234 | 24

#6059589 - Monday 8 September 2014 0:21

dogs are the best

By Mad_Or_Nah | 13

#6059166 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:42

At least you got something.....

Reply

CharismaGeek | 19

#6059235 - Sunday 7 September 2014 17:58

I guess crap is a nice birthday present for your standards.

By Danny_Boy12 | 13

#6059167 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:43

Atleast you got something...

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6059180 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:49

Ow! You got beat to punch

Reply

CharismaGeek | 19

#6059236 - Sunday 7 September 2014 18:00

It seems you and #2 were thinking the exact same dumb thing!

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6059302 - Sunday 7 September 2014 19:29

I would prefer nothing, rather than shit.

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6059172 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:44

Cleveland voice: Oh thats nasty....

By blaw24 | 1

#6059173 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:44

Did he poop on your bed OP?

Reply

azelk | 8

#6059178 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:48

No shit.

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6059183 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:51

#8 Out of all the crappy puns here yours is the best

Reply

jack_jill05 | 14

#6059219 - Sunday 7 September 2014 17:31

Reply

pacmanman | 15

#6059385 - Sunday 7 September 2014 20:31

Yes shit!

Reply

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6059765 - Monday 8 September 2014 5:26

No, the dog bought him a PS4.

Reply

JKPwnage | 25

#6060491 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 3:53

"Except my dog who left me a present on my bed."
"left me a present on my bed"
"a present on my bed"
"on my bed"
NO IT WAS IN HER CEREAL BOWL

By melanson32 | 7

#6059174 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:44

Happy birthday!!

By Ltsdragons | 19

#6059176 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:46

Well, at least you got something, your dog will be there all day with you regardless of whether or not he knows it's your birthday

Reply

homesuckfucker | 28

#6059184 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:52

Judging by the way OP regarded this "present," it was something unpleasant. Poop or vomit or something dead, probably.

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6059185 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:55

I know this is a bad situation, OP. But it's not the end of the world! Tell everyone that they forgot; do not worry about making them feel bad. They deserve it. Treat yourself! Relax today, if you can. Or go out on a drive. I don't know, spend your birthday doing something you enjoy. Never let the incompetence of others ruin your mood.

Reply

jarrodleski | 2

#6059214 - Sunday 7 September 2014 17:24

Make them feel like the shit your dog left for you

By Darthbane2007 | 15

#6059187 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:56

Did you happen to buy an ice cream cake from the store by any chance?

By annarcheer | 19

#6059192 - Sunday 7 September 2014 17:01

poor thing :( make them clean it up

Reply

meli1195 | 31

#6059232 - Sunday 7 September 2014 17:55

Yeah because OP is totally going to leave that mess fermenting on their bed just to make them clean it up.