Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot.... - FML

By Meowit - United States - Livonia

Today, it's my birthday, and everyone, family and friends, forgot. Except my dog who left me a present on my bed. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Rock, hard place

Empathy hurts

By arrestedgun - Canada

Today, I went to a dollar store with a couple friends to buy cap guns to play with. We were having a lot of fun with them, and took them onto a bus. 5 minutes later, three cops got on, handcuffed us, and sternly talked to us about the dangers of guns. We got arrested for toy guns. We are 17. FML

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By Savy - United States - Phoenix

Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML

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By imarriedanaxemurderer - United States - Joliet

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

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By heyhijello - United States - Oakland

Today, at my boyfriend's brother's house, I desperately needed to poop. After finishing my business, I realized the toilet wouldn't flush. I had to pull my poop out, wrap it in TP and make an excuse to go outside to throw it in a bush. The neighbor was watching. FML

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By j_Lauren - United States

Today, my mom had the option of choosing anywhere in the world where we could go on vacation. We live in the USA and she chose to fly to Texas, rent an RV, and drive to Florida. Anywhere in the world. FML

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By "Cass Lyles" - 22/12/2019 20:00

It was a phone call

Today, I was talking to my fiancé on the phone. I said "alright see you in 10 minutes babe". My boss must have thought I was talking to him because he said "alright (my name) see you later". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's house party. She got incredibly drunk and I spent the whole night looking after her when she was throwing up. In the brief moment before she passed out she said "thanks Matt, you're a great boyfriend." Matt is her ex. FML

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By cmzraxsn - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

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By TheBRADLeyB - United States

Today, I was going 73 in a 55 on a country road when an oncoming cop passed me. He pulled a U turn. I turned off the main road and took random turns. I got lost, was 30 minutes late to work, and the cop still found me and gave me two tickets. I had to ask him for directions. FML

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By JJ - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I, a vampire-pale girl, went on a blind date with a very dark-skinned young man. We got on like a house on fire, and everything was going smoothly until we leant in for the kiss. I was wearing makeup and no setting spray. He came away with half his face smudged snow white. FML

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By MyLegsHurt - United States - San Francisco

Today, I felt flexible in my yoga class. I put my legs in the butterfly position and tried to press them down. Both my hips popped very painfully and I screamed in the middle of a quiet room. FML

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By gabby - Canada

Today, I was on the bus and a woman got on with her 3 young children. I offered her my seat so they could all sit together. When I went to get off the bus I realized I left my bag underneath my old seat. When I tried to get it back the woman hit me and yelled at me for trying to steal her purse. FML

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By DHarman - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML

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By ivyleaguebabe - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

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By windshitwipers - United States - Denver

Today, I found shit on my windshield. I'm not sure if it is human or animal, but it was conveniently smeared all over and even more was placed under my wipers just in case I used them to clean it up. This isn't the first time, and I have no idea who I could have pissed off. FML

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By disheshateme - United States

Today, it was my turn to do the suite's dishes. I was in the process of drying my roommate's coffee mug when the handle suddenly snapped off and the sharp edge left on the mug scraped down my arm. I now have a 3-inch long gash in my arm. I was attacked by a cheap coffee mug. FML

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By fmyactuallife - 3/5/2020 08:00

Sludge factory

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

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By missclitter - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my boyfriend, when I had to go pee. Halfway down the aisle, I tripped, screamed, and fell face-first into some guy. My boyfriend is now accusing me of cheating and "flirting" with every man I see. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML

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By amazinghermit - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent an hour in my car terrified to go inside because I thought my house was being burgled. I saw rapid shadows in the light of my lounge. Eventually I plucked up the courage to creep inside with a rock to find it wasn't a robber. It was my cats, fighting in front of a toppled lamp. FML

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By Thanks Santa

Today, 3 weeks after leaving my job, buying a larger car and moving to Ohio so my boyfriend could be near his family, he secretly drove my car and all my belongings back across several states just to break up with me. This was completely out of the blue while I was home visiting family for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous

Protip

Today, my endometriosis has reached stage 4 and has spread to many organs, including my colon. My constipation got so bad that my Apple Watch told me it was time to stand up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

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By alone

Today, I found out that my fiancé has been talking to another girl behind my back about how much he hates being with me. Turns out he’s been talking to her everyday for 3 months, and she kept pushing him to leave me, but he was only staying because I cook for him. FML

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By OhGodKillMeNow - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I are driving down to France and it's going to take 4 hours. If that wasn't bad enough, my mum decides that she is going to listen to the CD my sister bought her for Christmas on repeat for the whole journey. It's Lady Gaga. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

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By arw - United States

Today, I was with my grandma in my new car. She suddenly says, "I've got to pee bad." Without giving me enough time to find a gas station, she blurts out, "Never mind, I just did." FML

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By thesockmancometh - United States

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

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By BigSister - United States

Today, my 15 year old sister came home at 4am totally stoned. My parents treated her really nicely and woke me up. I'm now grounded until I go college for being a bad influence. I volunteer at schools to talk about abusing drugs. FML

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By Darkheaven - France

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished a fence around my house that I have been working on all week. About an hour after I finished, a water company truck pulled into my driveway. They told me they would have to take down my fence to make repairs on a water pipe. FML

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By O-|---<=~ - United States - Bellingham

Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML

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By Flopera

Today, I treated my out of town family to a surprise opera experience as a belated Christmas present. When we arrived, there were people already in our seats. Upon checking the tickets, I realized that I had purchased them for the following Friday instead of today. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my boyfriend that eventually I want to get my ears pinned back because I think that they stick out too much. I pulled my hair back to show him, and he said, "Yeah, they're different sizes too, and the left one sticks out more than the right one." FML

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By prochainefois - France - Paris

Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part-way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Go, Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Odem

Today, my 70-year-old coworker managed to do something to our shared computer for it to not boot up. This is our 4th computer since we've been working together, and he refuses to believe that he's the problem. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I walked in on my best friend with his hand down my girlfriend's pants and her moaning for him to "keep going". She had the brass balls to claim she had a "tummy ache" and that he was just rubbing her stomach better. I may be a total dumbass, but I'm not THAT stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roanoke

Today, I woke up with a swollen lump on my throat. It's extremely painful. My dad named it Gretchen and now talks about it as if it's a person. FML

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Top comments

By Gweedo65 | 16

#6059163 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:40

Happy Birthday!

By azelk | 8

#6059178 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:48

No shit.

COMMENTS

By Gweedo65 | 16

#6059163 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:40

Happy Birthday!

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#6059269 - Sunday 7 September 2014 19:03

Pee on him to let him know who's boss.

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6059300 - Sunday 7 September 2014 19:28

Yes, because that's a great idea.

Reply

naajster | 14

#6059343 - Sunday 7 September 2014 19:50

well.. surprise!!!

Reply

noah_1234 | 24

#6059589 - Monday 8 September 2014 0:21

dogs are the best

By Mad_Or_Nah | 13

#6059166 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:42

At least you got something.....

Reply

CharismaGeek | 19

#6059235 - Sunday 7 September 2014 17:58

I guess crap is a nice birthday present for your standards.

By Danny_Boy12 | 13

#6059167 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:43

Atleast you got something...

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6059180 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:49

Ow! You got beat to punch

Reply

CharismaGeek | 19

#6059236 - Sunday 7 September 2014 18:00

It seems you and #2 were thinking the exact same dumb thing!

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6059302 - Sunday 7 September 2014 19:29

I would prefer nothing, rather than shit.

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6059172 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:44

Cleveland voice: Oh thats nasty....

By blaw24 | 1

#6059173 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:44

Did he poop on your bed OP?

Reply

azelk | 8

#6059178 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:48

No shit.

Reply

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6059183 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:51

#8 Out of all the crappy puns here yours is the best

Reply

jack_jill05 | 14

#6059219 - Sunday 7 September 2014 17:31

Reply

pacmanman | 15

#6059385 - Sunday 7 September 2014 20:31

Yes shit!

Reply

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6059765 - Monday 8 September 2014 5:26

No, the dog bought him a PS4.

Reply

JKPwnage | 25

#6060491 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 3:53

"Except my dog who left me a present on my bed."
"left me a present on my bed"
"a present on my bed"
"on my bed"
NO IT WAS IN HER CEREAL BOWL

By melanson32 | 7

#6059174 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:44

Happy birthday!!

By Ltsdragons | 19

#6059176 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:46

Well, at least you got something, your dog will be there all day with you regardless of whether or not he knows it's your birthday

Reply

homesuckfucker | 28

#6059184 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:52

Judging by the way OP regarded this "present," it was something unpleasant. Poop or vomit or something dead, probably.

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6059185 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:55

I know this is a bad situation, OP. But it's not the end of the world! Tell everyone that they forgot; do not worry about making them feel bad. They deserve it. Treat yourself! Relax today, if you can. Or go out on a drive. I don't know, spend your birthday doing something you enjoy. Never let the incompetence of others ruin your mood.

Reply

jarrodleski | 2

#6059214 - Sunday 7 September 2014 17:24

Make them feel like the shit your dog left for you

By Darthbane2007 | 15

#6059187 - Sunday 7 September 2014 16:56

Did you happen to buy an ice cream cake from the store by any chance?

By annarcheer | 19

#6059192 - Sunday 7 September 2014 17:01

poor thing :( make them clean it up

Reply

meli1195 | 31

#6059232 - Sunday 7 September 2014 17:55

Yeah because OP is totally going to leave that mess fermenting on their bed just to make them clean it up.