Miscellaneous: Today, my pregnancy hormones were so bad, I broke down crying...

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 08:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my pregnancy hormones were so bad, I broke down crying because my cat sat on my husband's lap instead of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 903

You deserved it 2 824

Miscellaneous

Hiding from the drama

Triage

Woodland mystery

By pissfaced - 02/01/2010 13:41 - New Zealand

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 110

You deserved it 73 252

By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, in the senior class I teach, I asked my students who had traveled outside of the country, excluding Canada and Mexico. One student raised his hand and proudly stated, "Arizona". He wants to be a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 952

You deserved it 3 397

By horny bastard - 16/01/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 749

You deserved it 41 733

By paris78 - 18/10/2009 00:04 - Canada

Today, a person came into McDonald's, where I work. They ordered a happy meal. As they were an adult, I assumed the meal was for their child, who wasn't with them. When I asked if the toy was for a boy or a girl, they said the toy was for them. I still had to ask if it was for a boy or a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 842

You deserved it 4 131

By Kate - 17/10/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I was chatting with a customer who comes regularly to my job. He sticks his hand out and I put my hand on his, thinking he's giving me a high five. He was just waiting for his receipt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 642

You deserved it 22 858

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 05:17 - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 014

You deserved it 4 224

By Arachnaphobic - 22/11/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 186

You deserved it 4 761

By Oh-Shit! - 10/08/2013 15:23 - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 108

You deserved it 5 468

By John - 20/07/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 599

You deserved it 12 029

By cockblockedbyFB - 06/06/2015 13:01 - United States - San Antonio

Today, like every other day, my wife doesn't have time for sex because she's too busy on Facebook. Then she bitched me out because "we never have sex anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 734

You deserved it 3 102

By TabbiNicole - 15/07/2011 11:38 - United States

Today, I had a woman accuse me of trying to steal her husband over the phone, just because I called and asked for him. I'm an interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 745

You deserved it 2 785

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I had to mow the lawn with a weedwacker because it rained a lot the past week and the push mower was broken. I started "mowing", and forgetting that I am mowing where the dogs go to the restroom, I absent-mindedly weedwack over dog poop. Which got flung into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 904

You deserved it 26 174

By creepyguy - 26/12/2009 12:06 - Australia

Today, I noticed a girl looking at me on the train. Playing it cool, I decided to give her a smile and see what would happen. It came out as a creepy, seedy grin, prompting her to call security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 253

You deserved it 9 918

By Robert - 13/09/2013 01:11 - United States - Drummond Island

Today, I pulled my motorcycle into a wheelie when my crush drove by. She was the one who drove me to the hospital when I went over backward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 052

You deserved it 52 571

By Anonymous - 16/09/2018 13:00

Today, I was sitting a full bus when a man seated himself next to me. After a few moments, he looked at me and said, "I can smell your vagina, you must be ovulating." I don't know if he was hitting on me or what but I couldn't race out of there fast enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 707

You deserved it 258

By Anonymous - 20/03/2009 08:14 - Canada

Today, I got an e-mail from a guy I'd had a one night stand with. He wanted to get together to talk about it. Turns out he's in rehab and he wanted to address the biggest mistakes he'd ever made in his life. I am a on a drug addict's list of regrets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 116

You deserved it 14 798

By stpdaziandude - 08/05/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was watching an animal behavior movie. All of a sudden, it brings up two snails going at it. I got hard watching it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 803

You deserved it 44 929

By Shock - 21/03/2016 20:12 - United States - Littleton

Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 098

You deserved it 1 614

Real dream

By kaley - 14/12/2019 03:00

Today, I woke up to find that I had given myself a haircut in my sleep. I have a presentation today and a job interview tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 682

You deserved it 335

By Live02Dance - 25/06/2011 12:58 - United States

Today, my mother won't give me any painkillers for my migraine. She believes that "When medicine goes into your stomach, the acids stop the medicine from working" and that "It's all in people's heads when medicine works". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 412

You deserved it 3 106

Now you know

By Ouchies - 18/03/2021 17:01

Today, I went to the beach. My friend decided it would be funny to push me into a bunch of Portuguese Man-O-War jellyfish washed up on the shore. Did you know their tentacles can sting even if they’re dead? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 051

You deserved it 71

Could go either way, really

By Idon'thave£12000 - 06/05/2019 16:00

Today, I received a full scholarship to the university of my dreams in England. Being born into a fairly poor family, I've never received anything for free and I worked on my grades like a dog last semester to achieve this. However, the scholarship is only valid if the UK stays in the EU. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 457

You deserved it 180

By Dude - 19/08/2009 10:32 - United States

Today, at WalMart, I saw a guy taping a sign that read "Hide and seek world champs!" over the lost children board. I chased him out of the store, then came back to take it down. As I was trying to remove the sign, a huge crowd began cursing at me and threatening me. They thought I'd made the sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 543

You deserved it 4 991

By OfficeFatty - 30/10/2014 02:41 - United States

Today, my skinny co-worker complained that sitting just underneath the AC vent was making her too cold. My boss had us switch places, because "your mass keeps you warm anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 672

You deserved it 4 965

By Anonymous - 02/06/2011 14:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 930

You deserved it 3 053

Boing!

By nurse - 13/09/2019 02:01 - Norway

Today, I was giving a patient an injection when I heard a cracking sound and the needle was gone. Panicking, I got a doctor to have a look. The patient was sent to have x-rays to find the needle in her thigh. I then noticed the springback system in the syringe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 137

You deserved it 969

By yikes :/ - 22/05/2017 18:00

Today, the cute coworker who's been flirting with me drove me home. While I was contemplating asking him to kiss me, he politely told me to, "Please get out, I promised my girlfriend I'd pick her up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 005

You deserved it 1 013

By Anonymous - 25/01/2010 15:27 - United States

Today, the toilet at my apartment still hasn't been fixed. I have to straddle the bathtub for number 1's and go to Walmart for 2's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 243

You deserved it 3 227

By Anonymous - 07/01/2010 00:29 - Canada

Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 815

You deserved it 3 444

By Storm - 23/09/2011 03:05 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date to an expensive restaurant. After the meal, he got down on his knee and proposed. We've only been dating for two weeks, so I said no. He just silently kept staring me in the eyes, no matter what I said or did. I ended up having to walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 815

You deserved it 5 898

By Monster-in-law - 09/08/2017 16:30 - United States - Sherwood

Today, I got a call from my brother-in-law's doctor. Apparently he's made threats and fantasizes about killing me. "Notifying you is the protocol for things like this" he said, and ended the conversation with, "have a nice day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 863

You deserved it 248

By fobfan14 - 16/09/2009 10:37 - United States

Today, somebody broke in to my house and stole my laptop, which had years worth of family photos on it. Where was I when it was stolen? At Staples, buying supplies that included CDs to finally back up my pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 720

You deserved it 5 354

By Anonymous - 13/10/2012 21:54 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my husband decided that he simply couldn't exist any longer without giving me his own version of a wet-willy. He creeped up on me as I was sleeping and wiggled his wet penis around in my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 021

You deserved it 4 191

By Mcwifi - 21/04/2016 17:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, traffic was so bad that I was able to connect to the WiFi of a nearby McDonald's and successfully listen to a 30-minute podcast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 808

You deserved it 1 431

By fuck you btichass cuntshit - 20/08/2015 16:18 - United States - Shelburne

Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 754

You deserved it 2 702

By notworthit - 23/02/2010 00:53 - United States

Today, a guy I'd been seeing off and on for the past three years broke things off over a Facebook message. I replied, and told him that I was at least worth a phone call. He replied "Well, I'm sorry, I disagree." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 693

You deserved it 4 643

By Anonymous - 19/10/2014 01:23 - United States - South Salem

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 220

You deserved it 4 116

By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 20:35 - Netherlands

Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 613

You deserved it 5 539

By Anonymous - 20/02/2013 22:55 - United States - Ithaca

Today, I discovered that when you suddenly get channels that you didn't have before, it doesn't mean there was a glitch and you're getting free TV, it just means that your son called the cable company and had your plan changed so you get every conceivable channel at a hugely increased price. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 676

You deserved it 5 239

By Great - 29/05/2015 12:13 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was on the train going to work when my travel tea cup began spilling inside my purse, which was on my lap. It went all over my skirt, pooled at the bottom of my feet, and, yes, everyone notice that it happened to be piss-colored yellow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 006

You deserved it 4 553

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Top comments

TacticalBacon 10

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:15

At least someone is getting some pussy tonight...

oathkeeper99 31

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:17

To be honest, I get upset when my cat sits on my boyfriend's lap instead of mine too. It's like being rejected by your child.

annoyedperson 25

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:08

Being pregnant is a difficult situation especially with the crazy hormones

coolhandmartin 15

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:12

Yeah... That sucks... Sorry op

rocker_chick105 31

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Monday 18 January 2016 4:20

So insightful.

abbyade 21

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:14

I don't know why I found this funny. Sorry OP. Pregnancy hormonal stories are cute and funny

TacticalBacon 10

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:15

At least someone is getting some pussy tonight...

PiggSnaps 11

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:15

Maybe you smell really 'fishy' because your expecting and your cat is like Garfield... You know, hates fish but loves lasagna....Food for thought....

FelicityWishes 32

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:17

That betrayal though.

oathkeeper99 31

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:17

To be honest, I get upset when my cat sits on my boyfriend's lap instead of mine too. It's like being rejected by your child.

Vitani_Verci 24

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Monday 18 January 2016 5:44

The fact that your icon is a cat makes this comment so much better...

oathkeeper99 31

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Monday 18 January 2016 23:15

That just so happens to be the very cat that prefers my boyfriend's lap to mine!

Symphoniaes 32

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:18

I am pregnant also and I can confirm this... I cry so many times a day over silly things, and then I cry over the fact that I'm crying do often. ._.

okaydisarray 17

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Monday 18 January 2016 5:03

Seriously. When I was pregnant I cried because my husband made me a ham sandwich...

ghetto_child 19

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:28

Dear crazy ass hormones, F*** you!!!

MrScootyPuffSr 16

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Monday 18 January 2016 0:38

That bastard! Doesn't matter which one, I'm just pissed with you! You're not alone!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 47

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 131

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 45

Real dream

Now you know

Could go either way, really

Boing!

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