By Anonymous

Family coincidence

Today with a DNA test, I found out that my husband is my half brother. 30 years ago his father made a donation to the sperm bank my mother used, and I’m the result. To make matters worse, I’m pregnant. FML

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Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

Cloth ears

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because we didn't have any ketchup packets. I work in a coffee shop. FML

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By haha - United States

Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML

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By for fucks sake gramps - United States - Mililani

Today, I was at the store with my grandpa. When we were rung up, he started to pay for our myriad groceries in coins, and the guy behind us groaned. My grandpa said, "shut your mouth," and started ranting about how stupid people are to leave paper trails for "government spooks." FML

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By AllergyRidden - United States

Today, my Mom and I found out that we're allergic to the wood my Dad has been making fires with. She can't see, I can't breathe. FML

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By - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I realized that my husband's preferred sexual activities not only don't require me to take off my clothes, but go much better for him when I don't. He doesn't get why this makes me self-conscious about getting naked in front of him... FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Placentia

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy by text. I felt so betrayed, I stupidly tried to hurt her by replying that I'd been cheating on her all along with a hot babe. Turned out the dumping text was actually a prank by her friend. Now I'm single and everyone thinks I'm a cheater. FML

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By NotAGoodStart - United Kingdom - Bristol

Fashion Week

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 10:05 - United States - Baton Rouge

Medically accurate

Today, I sprained my ankle badly at a volleyball game. I asked my coach for some athletic tape so I could get back in the game. She handed me duct tape and said that athletic tape and duct tape are basically the same. Getting duct tape off your sprained ankle hurts like hell. FML

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991

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By Melissa Barrios

Today, my son, who has ASD, told a woman how gigantic her butt was. While trying to remind him that some things are not nice to say, he screamed that her butt is the "giantest butt ever," like it was an accomplishment. FML

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By face - United States

Today, my friends decided that I eat too many snacks. To emphasize this point, they went behind my back and printed 300 pages with my face and the words "NO SNACKS" on them. They were posted in every academic building on campus, including every room I have class in. FML

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By newlywed - United States

Today, I married a wonderful man. Even though both of us were no longer virgins, we decided to wait until marriage to sleep together. He just told me I was the worst he's ever had. FML

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By carl_carl_ - United States - Wichita

Today, I was on a roller coaster behind a boy who vomited in front of me as the cart shot down. It splattered all over my arm, and a little on my cheek. FML

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By YYY

Today, I put all my clothes into two piles. One pile had clothes I usually wear, the other clothes I wanted to donate. When I was done, I put the piles into two jumbo trash bags. I came back a bit later and they both were gone. My mom donated both bags. I have no clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to surprise my girlfriend, who I hadn't seen in 3 weeks. When she opened the door, she gasped, told me to fuck off and slammed the door in my face. FML

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26672

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle, I barely looked at the male waiter because I'm a shy person. Then my uncle says: "YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT MY NIECE! She's never dated in her life." I'm 19 and my match maker is my uncle. FML

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By Rose - United States - Tenino

Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML

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28464

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By Darkandcold - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, my dad learned that it's possible to power a lightbulb with a potato. Since then, he's been going around the house removing all the plugs from the wall and plugging them into potatoes instead. He's absolutely baffled as to why it won't work. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

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51222

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By xTRYSOFTx - United States

Crime scene

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

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457

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML

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33504

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By Brian - United States - Sandston

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

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By Host grandfather - United States - Tampa

Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to use anti-perspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

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1539

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By Firequeen

Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML

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11297

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML

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51035

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By stupid older sister - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I woke up from a nap to find my little brother playing some games on my phone. A few hours later I come to find he had deleted all 500 pictures from my trip to Europe last month. He needed more space to download the games. Mom says he's too young to understand what he did wrong. He's 14. FML

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56559

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By Lonely - New Zealand

Today, I congratulated my friend for getting engaged. This is the fourth friend of mine this year that has become engaged. I haven't even had a boyfriend yet. FML

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32024

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By inpuredeceit - United States

Today, I finished and turned in the last of the seventeen major projects for the company I work for. As I was walking out of my boss's office, I hear her ask her assistant "She finished everything we didn't want to do, can we fire her now?" FML

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40770

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my job to a girl that graduated with the same bachelor's degree from the same college as me. She also got a master's in an unrelated field. I've been working there 7 months, and her master's in maths apparently makes her a better athletic trainer than me. FML

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31163

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By Beeisc00l - Reserved

Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML

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30531

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By anon - Australia - Kingston

Today, I needed to borrow money from my girlfriend. I went into her bag and pulled out the money all while a lady watched me open-mouthed. Turns out it wasn't my girlfriend's bag. It belonged to the lady watching me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hebron

Today, I went on my first date. Everything went great until I went to brush my date's hair over her ear like they do in the movies. I poked her dead in the eye. FML

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47791

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By InTheDoghouse23 - United States

Today, my wife and I had another couple over. My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. She screamed and slapped me. It wasn't my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

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59982

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By jamblasticus - United States

Today, I was walking in the park when I saw an attractive girl walking nearby. I approached her to strike up a conversation when suddenly a large fly invaded my left nostril, and became lodged inside. After picking out the bloody fly pieces, I looked up to see the girl walking away, gagging. FML

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By thanksalotdickhead - 14/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Jumping the gun

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend was planning on proposing to me tomorrow. I found out after receiving a couple of a dozen texts from friends and relatives bitching me out for not telling them. Apparently, my dad thought it would be appropriate to make the announcement for me on his Facebook page. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, while showing off the sharpness of my new katana, I missed my target and hit my shoe. The strike cut into the second toe of my right foot, which then had to be amputated. Demonstration successful. FML

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1780

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By Annette - United States - Seattle

Today, I started my new job. Less than one hour into the day, my boss told me that the reason he hired me was that I was the least attractive of everyone he interviewed, so I'd be less likely to cause a distraction. FML

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Top comments

By Mathalamus | 24

#7857006 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 3:08

That's unfortunate, but you shouldn't divorce him over that. More than likely, nothing bad will happen.

By Razell | 13

#7857011 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 4:15

Does your family have any known recessive genetic diseases? If not, don't worry about the kid.

Have you told your husband yet?

COMMENTS

By Mathalamus | 24

#7857006 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 3:08

That's unfortunate, but you shouldn't divorce him over that. More than likely, nothing bad will happen.

By Razell | 13

#7857011 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 4:15

Does your family have any known recessive genetic diseases? If not, don't worry about the kid.

Have you told your husband yet?

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7857016 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 4:48

damn, that's fucked up......

ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7857058 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 10:14

it deffo is

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7857057 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 10:13

the kid will be known as an incest freak like me

rnroy1995 | 11

#7857203 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 20:07

Same except my parents knew what they were doing

PryderPlayer017 | 5

#7857241 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 22:00

....wait what??

By pins91 | 27

#7857083 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 11:51

Out of the literal MILLIONS of sperm in a sperm bank, your mum just HAPPENED to pick your dads who had a kid to another chick who happened to be the man of your dreams?

I feel like this is a fake post...

hkatz | 9

#7857871 - Saturday 9 November 2019 0:00

or theyre soulmates

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7857096 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 13:21

I would go to the dr straight away a make sure, you and your husband being half siblings isn’t going to cause your baby any health issues. Then either have the baby or have an abortion.

By icecreamisrad | 13

#7857100 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 13:28

Aww don’t feel weird. No one has to know

By Charlie Given | 23

#7857105 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 13:43

This also means that you both probably have other siblings that you don't know about.

By tipsyone | 21

#7857170 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 17:38

I’m not buying this. OP is clearly lying. Either she’s lying the whole thing or she’s making stuff up about sperm bank

at0micmin3r | 23

#7857623 - Friday 8 November 2019 9:37

You know this as an objective fact how?

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7857239 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 21:55

this provides a good question... is this morally questionable if neither you or your other family had any way of knowing this could happen??