Family coincidence

By Anonymous - 06/11/2019 02:30

Today with a DNA test, I found out that my husband is my half brother. 30 years ago his father made a donation to the sperm bank my mother used, and I’m the result. To make matters worse, I’m pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 602

You deserved it 186

The smell detective is on the case

Smart

Stuck

By StupidApple - 25/05/2011 00:02

Today, I found out that whenever I send my son to his room, he goes on his iPod and buys the most expensive apps he can find. So far I've been charged $600. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 821

You deserved it 53 169

By Anonymous - 08/12/2015 00:40 - United States - Portland

Today, I came home to my mentally unhinged roommate jacking off to a frozen TV frame of Peggy Hill from King of the Hill. When he saw me, he threw an ash tray at me and told me to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 746

You deserved it 2 174

By halloweed - 16/11/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 284

You deserved it 7 584

Gummy

By madeleine - 08/04/2021 05:00

Today, I caught my young daughter eating candy after brushing her teeth. Angry, I asked her if she wanted all her teeth to fall out. She smiled and said, “Yes!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 621

You deserved it 256

Rollercoaster

By Anonymous - 05/03/2010 12:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 603

You deserved it 3 639

Sorry for your loss

By dpod121 - 04/03/2010 19:41 - United States

Today, I got a call from my optometrist. I ignored the call, because I already knew I had my appointment tomorrow. When I listened to my messages later, I found out it was from his secretary, saying all of his appointments have been canceled due to him passing away last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 459

You deserved it 9 214

By Nick - 27/07/2011 17:32 - Australia

Today, I was helping clean my grandpa's garage when I found some of his old election posters from the '50s. They included slogans such as, "Dick: you know it feels right" and "Want growth? Choose Dick." I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 646

You deserved it 4 695

By Stupid_Chick - 01/06/2010 01:09 - Canada

Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 179

You deserved it 19 219

By Ciabatta - 20/11/2008 11:10 - France

Today, it's my one year anniversary with my husband. I put on a sexy outfit, red dress and slinky underwear, and waited for him to get home. He walked in the door and asked me with a quizzical look if I was going out tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 247

You deserved it 3 427

By sadday - 20/11/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 001

You deserved it 3 986

By maharaja - 06/08/2019 12:00

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 870

You deserved it 104

By B - 31/01/2012 20:36 - Netherlands

Today, I had a quicky with my boyfriend, because his dad was about to pick him up. Afterwards, I texted: "Nice to meet your dad, hope we didn't look too heated." A few minutes later, he replied: "Great timing, he was holding my phone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 178

You deserved it 9 859

Here, have a Turner Prize

By RunningMurphy - 15/05/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 548

You deserved it 2 739

By please leave... - 13/02/2013 19:33 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I have problems going when other people are there, so I waited until everyone left. Two girls noticed I was taking a long time, and started giggling and throwing notes under the door asking if I was alive. This continued for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 102

You deserved it 6 343

By zamwow - 20/12/2013 23:36 - United States - Ridgefield Park

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 688

You deserved it 8 846

By Anonymous - 24/05/2012 04:59 - United States - Humble

Today, I went into my classroom to find a bag of shit on my desk with a note saying, "Thanks for failing me b*tch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 149

You deserved it 7 511

Added flavor

By Boyufd - 27/10/2020 11:01

Today, I walked out the bathroom and saw my girlfriend peeing in a mug. She said that's the mug she uses when she can't hold it anymore. That's the mug I put my coffee in every morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 168

By Ineedlotsofwater - 23/01/2015 16:41 - United States - Seattle

Today, I found out why I receive random drug tests at work. The safety department was specifically told by my boss to check up on me because I always seem way too cheerful to not be high. I've passed every single test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 647

You deserved it 2 715

By KBO - 08/06/2009 06:54 - Australia

Today, I woke up hungover and thirsty, I found a glass of water next to the sink, filled it up with more water, chugged it and went back to bed. I woke up an hour later to my best friend telling me she thought she lost her contacts. They were in a glass next to the sink. I ate her contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 027

You deserved it 43 320

Chilling

By craZycatLady - 20/04/2015 18:06 - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 320

You deserved it 3 612

Can't take my eyes off you

By silverscrescent - 22/08/2020 01:02 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I was babysitting my 8-year-old niece. I left her for 10 minutes so I could take a shower, only to walk in on her with her dress rolled up, peeing on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 386

By pencilskirt - 22/03/2019 00:00

Today, at school, one of my students confidently told me that I "wasn't hiding my baby bump very well anymore." I'm not pregnant. Just fat, apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 063

You deserved it 272

By ihatemyjob - 12/09/2010 07:23 - Canada

Today, at work, an elderly lady came up to the cash register with a flyer in her hand, and asked if we had a certain item. I told her we did not have any left, and we would be getting more next week and if she wanted, I could give her a rain check. She hit me in the face with her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 101

You deserved it 2 770

By TuteSweet - 12/08/2011 06:17 - United States

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 482

You deserved it 4 780

By ladyhead - 18/12/2008 16:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I am a Frenchie who's been in England for two months. While wanting to say to my technician that my manager made me groan during our meeting, I said that he made me moan. Now he keeps looking at me with a grin on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 941

You deserved it 3 998

By Anonymous - 10/05/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I bought my mom a gift certificate for a spa treatment for two so we could spend some quality time together. She took my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 378

You deserved it 3 733

By Anonymous - 16/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, during the worst flu we've ever had, my wife and I have to go out into thirty-below weather to get firewood because the furnace broke down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 325

You deserved it 450

By Lameartist - 12/02/2012 10:36

Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 534

You deserved it 37 776

By Mel Ancholy - 18/02/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 269

You deserved it 8 171

By crazyk2468 - 26/04/2012 17:29 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I found the best cure for constipation is having my brother scare the literal shit out of me, in Walmart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 674

You deserved it 2 565

By don't pray, PAY - 23/03/2017 20:00

Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 335

You deserved it 1 243

By Anonymous - 10/04/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being smart said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 211

You deserved it 3 552

By hustled - 24/08/2012 00:05 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out my girlfriend is only with me because I'm a mechanic and I fix her constantly broken-down car for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 230

You deserved it 2 624

By Anonymous - 20/01/2011 02:58 - United States

Today, I was in the Cafeteria at a table near the guy I like. He was playing around with a ball with a couple of his friends. They dropped it, and it rolled over next to my foot. When I bent down to pick it up, I smashed my head against a chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 628

You deserved it 5 008

By runescapeftw - 29/12/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody. Apparently, she had public sex with another woman and wants me to come bail her out. Alex is my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 465

You deserved it 2 665

By obviously not the favorite - 05/07/2017 18:37

Today, my mom called me a "useless spoiled brat" because I refused to drive my sister across the city just to buy flavored gelatin. I've had Amoebic Dysentery for 3 days now and need constant bathroom access. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 559

You deserved it 321

By kcd - 23/02/2009 14:41 - United States

Today, I saw a girl texting at school. I told her she might want to put her phone away before she got a detention. She turned around and I saw she was changing her insulin level on her pump. She has diabetes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 844

You deserved it 57 121

By hurts - 04/05/2009 18:48 - Canada

Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them I impale my forearm on a knife that's sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 582

You deserved it 4 976

By kay - 01/06/2012 21:08 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, a homeless guy grabbed me and started ranting that "the Mayans were right" or some shit. He was making about as much sense as Charlie Sheen outside of a padded cell, so I shoved him away. That's when he decided to pull a knife and chase me all the way to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 888

You deserved it 4 341

By thatshelpful - 02/07/2015 04:16 - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, after replacing several components on my new used car, I realized that the reason it wasn't getting the gas mileage it was supposed to because my coworkers take turns siphoning my gas while I work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 707

You deserved it 1 767

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Top comments

Mathalamus 24

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Wednesday 6 November 2019 3:08

That's unfortunate, but you shouldn't divorce him over that. More than likely, nothing bad will happen.

Razell 13

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Wednesday 6 November 2019 4:15

Does your family have any known recessive genetic diseases? If not, don't worry about the kid. Have you told your husband yet?

Mathalamus 24

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Wednesday 6 November 2019 3:08

That's unfortunate, but you shouldn't divorce him over that. More than likely, nothing bad will happen.

Razell 13

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Wednesday 6 November 2019 4:15

Does your family have any known recessive genetic diseases? If not, don't worry about the kid. Have you told your husband yet?

Ksweety_fml 27

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Wednesday 6 November 2019 4:48

damn, that's fucked up......

ThatOneLonelyAsian 31

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Wednesday 6 November 2019 10:14

it deffo is

ThatOneLonelyAsian 31

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Wednesday 6 November 2019 10:13

the kid will be known as an incest freak like me

rnroy1995 11

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Wednesday 6 November 2019 20:07

Same except my parents knew what they were doing

PryderPlayer017 5

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Wednesday 6 November 2019 22:00

....wait what??

pins91 27

Wednesday 6 November 2019 11:51

Out of the literal MILLIONS of sperm in a sperm bank, your mum just HAPPENED to pick your dads who had a kid to another chick who happened to be the man of your dreams? I feel like this is a fake post...

hkatz 9

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Saturday 9 November 2019 0:00

or theyre soulmates

mfranks19891989 10

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Wednesday 6 November 2019 13:21

I would go to the dr straight away a make sure, you and your husband being half siblings isn’t going to cause your baby any health issues. Then either have the baby or have an abortion.