Miscellaneous: Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to,...

31/07/2014 11:38 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 881

You deserved it 5 140

Miscellaneous

Walk on the wild side

8 out 10 dentists

Best Baby Names of 2021

01/07/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, I wrote a long wall post on my teachers wall on facebook including how much of a douche I thought she was, I wasn't planning on posting it but did on accident, so I quickly deleted it. I felt pretty clever. Did you know facebook sends you emails including what was written on the post? FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 761

You deserved it 89 475

28/02/2011 01:36 - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel from masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 315

You deserved it 41 454

11/04/2012 21:41 - Canada - Orillia

Today, I got home to find our house broken into. Among other things, the thieves took our television, my laptop and several pieces of expensive jewelry. Also missing was my daughter's My Little Pony collection. I think we were robbed by a Brony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 526

You deserved it 2 279

04/11/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everyone that my fiancé and I are having a "shotgun wedding" because we plan to get married quickly. She didn't realize that means that the bride is pregnant, which I'm not. I have no idea what to do with the baby gifts I'm receiving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 384

You deserved it 217

16/09/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, after weeks of watching car after car of solo drivers go by in the carpool lane every day, I decided to join them. I'm the one who got pulled over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 926

You deserved it 35 131

15/06/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, my dad decided to clean out my car and "accidentally" threw away my $520 tax refund check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 073

You deserved it 6 797

01/08/2014 20:45 - United States - Vincennes

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 309

You deserved it 25 856

29/06/2014 20:37 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my mom told me to take out the trash. I thought it would be a good idea to Hulk-smash it into the can. I missed. The bag ripped and garbage flew everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 322

You deserved it 60 769

Multitasking

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 21:28 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, was the day my girlfriend and I tried to 69 for the first time. Today is also the day I learned that I'm physically incapable of maintaining an erection after someone farts in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 100

You deserved it 6 763

04/03/2012 05:02 - Philippines

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 587

You deserved it 31 343

28/08/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 241

You deserved it 47 959

09/09/2016 21:03 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 164

You deserved it 1 861

29/09/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I found out the reason my clothes have been smelling a little funny isn't because I sweat heavily, it's because of the dead rat in the back of my dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 858

You deserved it 5 349

26/09/2015 05:06 - United States - Pigeon Forge

Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 504

You deserved it 33 265

23/11/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost a year invited me over to dinner at his house. Before leaving, I called him to let him know I was on my way. Just as he begins to tell me he'll call me back, I hear another girl in the background say, "Why don't you just tell her you're busy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 602

You deserved it 2 860

27/11/2015 02:32 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my brother was playing one of those old street fighter games. He suddenly asked me what "K.O." meant. I told him it meant "Knocked Out," but he started getting mad at me because "'knocked' isn't spelled with a 'k'". He's 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 112

You deserved it 1 499

04/05/2011 11:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 903

You deserved it 8 203

20/05/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I decided to go tanning. I went outside and took my top off and laid out in the sun for about an hour. When I was about to go inside a phone rang. It belonged to one of the five men that were working on my roof and watching me the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 730

You deserved it 73 528

07/08/2013 04:21 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 047

You deserved it 59 510

17/08/2012 22:16 - Canada

Today, my lazy manager, who blatantly spreads vicious rumors about employees, one which has ruined a marriage, has started targeting me because her lazy daughter was legally fired. Now I'm known around the office as "the whore who slept her way up the corporate ladder." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 714

You deserved it 1 833

24/01/2010 00:15 - Canada

Today, I found out that sitting in the third row at a 3D movie makes me vomit. Today I also found out that the big burly dude in front of me does not appreciate being vomited on. Now I feel nauseous and have a black eye. Not to mention I missed the last part of the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 169

You deserved it 6 030

21/07/2016 21:30 - United States - Boston

Today, is my one day off for the week. My mother in law is visiting, and has decided we need to rearrange my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 529

You deserved it 983

Pick me!

By Anonymous - 13/05/2021 17:01

Today, I wore my tightest, slightly too small, push-up bra and low cut top to impress a guy at work. He came over to borrow a pen. I leaned down to get one out of my bag and my nipple popped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 248

You deserved it 1 762

23/12/2014 15:24 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 883

You deserved it 3 391

12/08/2014 17:55 - United States - Newport

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 267

You deserved it 3 345

24/12/2017 19:00

Today, I finally sought help for my crippling fear of elevators. When I arrived at my new therapist's office, I found the door to the stairs locked. To get to my appointment on the third floor of the building, I have to take the elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 188

You deserved it 542

10/01/2010 07:59 - United States

Today, I was trying to show my boyfriend how to shake my iPod to shuffle songs. When I went to shake it, it flew out of my hand and hit him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 899

You deserved it 28 509

02/11/2017 14:00

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 831

You deserved it 929

24/06/2015 03:23 - United States - Paris

Today, we had customer complaints of a child molester hanging around our restaurant. After confrontation by a manager, he wouldn't leave. I had to be walked to my car after my shift by more than one person because I look 12 and they were afraid for me. I'm almost 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 887

You deserved it 2 156

23/01/2016 01:43 - Canada - Moncton

Today, I discovered that the pain I've had for the past couple of weeks was actually due to a broken collar bone. Now work won't pay for the treatment I need because I continued to work despite the pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 510

You deserved it 2 267

12/12/2009 05:00 - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter for my Bio final at 8AM and drinking 6 sodas, 3 energy drinks, and coffee throughout the night, an hour into the exam, I had to go to the restroom, so I get permission and go. I'm 1 of 3 people. They later find a cheat sheet in the restroom. Now I'm a suspect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 943

You deserved it 4 333

16/09/2009 10:21 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 410

You deserved it 21 451

School's out

By Madilyne13 - 28/07/2021 07:59 - United States - Groveport

Today, I realized that I'm not cut out for school when I flunked out… in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 590

You deserved it 107

This is war!

By Kilimanjaro - 03/04/2012 04:41 - France

Today, the war against the pigeons on my veranda reached a new level. To try and get them to clear off, I gave my window pane a short, sharp knock. It broke into several shards, and not one of the totally oblivious birds moved. Pigeons 1, Me 0. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 002

You deserved it 6 034

Drama abounds

By Anonymous - 02/04/2020 05:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years threatened to break up with me because when she came by my work, she saw me talking to another girl. The girl was a trainee. I'm the boss of the company, so it's my responsibility to train new people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 826

You deserved it 203

04/01/2010 08:50 - Australia

Today, my 4 year old daughter was ripping out photos of the family photo book, I asked her why she was doing it she answered, "I saw mummy doing it to another book." The only other family photo book was the day we got married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 008

You deserved it 2 907

05/03/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, my 18 year old daughter comes home telling me she has been fired from her job at McDonalds. The reason? They had ICarly happy meal toys and she couldn't resist stealing one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 528

You deserved it 5 379

11/07/2015 12:51 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after coming home from an AFL match in Melbourne at about 11pm, I saw a woman asleep on the train as we neared the end of the line. Being a nice person, I went to wake her, to which she started screaming and trying to punch me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 641

You deserved it 3 213

27/05/2015 14:21 - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 102

You deserved it 2 786

18/06/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 683

You deserved it 58 452

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Top comments

jenjen2633 17

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

It's always the innocent looking ones...

TheKingKen 22

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

It always makes me sad when a person's entertainment is at the expense of someone else. It happens all the time

Lebeaugars95 20

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:25

looll nobody in Toronto is like that, wdf

JennaNGood 21

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Thursday 31 July 2014 19:18

Yeah, when I moved to Toronto, everybody I asked for directions was SUPER nice. It is also OP's fault for trusting her after that ..

worldclassrager 39

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Thursday 31 July 2014 19:39

Ontario*

Lebeaugars95 20

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Thursday 31 July 2014 19:42

read OP's name....

kingdomgirl94 28

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Thursday 31 July 2014 20:04

Tdot is weird ass slang for Toronto for those who don't know.

laden_swallow09 34

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Thursday 31 July 2014 20:57

^ Thank you.

dabears1011234 27

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

Do you happen to be in New York City?

anormalperson 25

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:53

It says Canada above the FML so no.

CobraLazerFace 21

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:53

Canada man, Canada

incoherentrmblr 21

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Thursday 31 July 2014 19:40

It it wasn't in Canada, I'd guess NYC or LA. Talk about being cold...

addictedtoIASIP 14

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Thursday 31 July 2014 22:38

Talk about not taking the time to read where the guys from. He's from canada

sexpectations 15

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Thursday 31 July 2014 22:39

Toronto, to be exact

xoteeshaox 22

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Thursday 31 July 2014 23:10

if you are on the mobile app, it doesnt say where from. or at least not on my app (on a windows phone)

omgbrainZ_fml 24

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Friday 1 August 2014 2:30

@63 there are other big cities in Canada such as Ottawa Montreal and Vancouver.

ShowMeKay 20

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Friday 1 August 2014 3:18

#78 - No, 63's comment is right. OP's name says "lost in tdot" which stands for Toronto specifically.

Godsofdracos 15

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Friday 1 August 2014 6:00

Is Toronto part of Ontario, or vice versa? The post on the official FML app says published - Canada, Ontario.

Godsofdracos 15

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Friday 1 August 2014 6:15

Ignore me, didn't realize Ontario was a province in Canada and Toronto was its capital.

bluejayfan02 27

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Saturday 2 August 2014 9:59

his name is "Lostintdot" i live 45 min north from Toronto and Tdot is another name for it.

JosephMoore77 8

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Sunday 3 August 2014 2:49

Read under the fml, it says it in small text, #64

octopussperm125 18

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Monday 4 August 2014 4:18

Nyc isnt only composed of assholes anymore, its slowly being overrun by hipsters

GenH2105 14

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Monday 4 August 2014 16:35

#36: It's 82 degrees in Toronto today...

jenjen2633 17

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

It's always the innocent looking ones...

sarneeley 14

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

Google it!

flufee2 27

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Friday 1 August 2014 2:04

Maybe he needs the library for internet

kirito51 5

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Friday 1 August 2014 2:08

then how is he writing this ?

flufee2 27

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Friday 1 August 2014 4:34

He found the library!!!

doctorhook86 24

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Friday 1 August 2014 8:21

#85: Nah, man. Gay strip clubs have wifi now, didntyaknow?

garadan1 18

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

Ugh. I cannot believe people sometimes. Sorry, OP. Hope you found the way!

TheKingKen 22

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

It always makes me sad when a person's entertainment is at the expense of someone else. It happens all the time

minesbiggerr 25

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Friday 1 August 2014 22:52

^ this

Steephx0 23

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

SMHsohard 22

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Thursday 31 July 2014 19:02

And the award for Douchebag of the Year goes to...

kinky44 28

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Thursday 31 July 2014 23:12

Me. Man, my mom is gonna be so proud!

jkmartinjk 16

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Friday 1 August 2014 9:14

^Your award goes well with your profile pic

JRT98 12

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:30

Well, at least you know where you are, kind of. Better than being in an alley.

HAMY_fml 23

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:30

Try asking a police officer or a pizza place that delivers is just as good. ( plus you could get pizza)

shudson186 17

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Thursday 31 July 2014 21:42

Or... Just pull out a map at at tourist booth. Even if they don't have a cellphone there is places that help tourists find locations. OP can use that as well. No need to go to a pizza place while they are already busy to get directions.

ShowMeKay 20

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Friday 1 August 2014 3:46

Toronto doesn't really have tourist booths around except major malls and attractions. Gas stations are probably the best bet for getting directions.

Liamj774 36

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Thursday 31 July 2014 18:31

Find a book and slap her with it. If you find the library, of course

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 26

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 451

Multitasking

Pick me!

School's out

This is war!

Drama abounds

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