Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to,... - FML

By lostintdot - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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There's no helping some people

Relationships sink

Don't shoot the messenger

By Oh really - Australia

Today, my friend mentioned a book that reminded her of me. When I asked what it was called she said, "He's just not that into you". FML

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By pchemist - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

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By Godfree - United States

Today, I was walking to a meeting and saw two girls trying to jump start a car in the rain. Thinking I'd be a gentleman and help them, I offered to assist. The girl whose car is broken down looks at me, looks at her friend, and says, "I think we'd better call the police." FML

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By alone - United States

Today, I committed to babysitting on Valentine's Day not because I needed the money, but because I just got dumped. FML

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By Blondie - Lebanon

Today, I was trying to convince a friend that even though I'm blonde, I'm not the oblivious or stupid moron everyone apparently thinks I am. Then I smacked face-first into a glass door. FML

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By Jazzyfayyye - United States

Today, my boy friend said "you know who you remind me of? Sarah Palin." And then for the next 15 minutes continued to discuss how ugly she is. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 17:00

Bird's eye view

Today, I found out that my shower area is in direct view from my neighbours' balcony. I realised this when I caught my neighbour and his wife watching me while I was getting dressed. I've been living here for 7 years. FML

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By BedazzledAlpaca - United States - Englewood

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

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By papergirl - United States

Today, I went to a fancy restaurant. I was coming right from work and brought a change of clothes with me. I parked in an empty corner of the parking lot to change. As I was pulling my pants up, I noticed that I was facing an apartment complex where an old guy was watching me from his balcony. FML

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By rewarded - India

Today, for the second time in 5 months I was recognized for my hard work, sincerity and all the adjectives that they use to describe good employees. What was my reward? A piece of chocolate. FML

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By gfg - Romania

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

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By miewann - United States - Mount Holly

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

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By cgold - United States

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

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By howdoesthatmakesense - United States - San Francisco

Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML

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By Sonofaquiche

Today, I had to help my grandma because her TV suddenly stopped working. She has cable as well as satellite, so she figured she didn't need the satellite receiver anymore. Apparently the best way to do get rid of it was to cut all the cables connected to the TV. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, after having been told that I looked horrible for the last five months, I decided to give myself a make-over. As soon as the make-up artist was done, I told her I didn't like it, and that I still didn't like how I look. She simply replied: ''Well, I'm a make-up artist, not a magician!'' FML

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By Chey - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

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By buymeadrank - United States

Today, is my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML

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By oooops - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

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By Ihatemyjob - United States - Vermilion

Today, at work, I walked in on a disoriented elderly woman eating nachos and cheese off the bathroom floor. She wasn't wearing any pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

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By lonelyloser - Australia - Perth

Today, I hired out a motel room so I could stay there by myself and lie to my mother and grandmother about having friends. This is the third time. FML

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By ohgosh... - United States - Fenton

Today, after realizing my flashcards had fallen out of my binder, I asked my teacher if I could quickly go to my locker to get them. She said no and told me to go sit down. As soon as class ended, I went to my locker and brought them to her. Her response? "Why didn't you ask me to get these during class?" FML

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By StillBurning

Today, I enjoyed my favourite pizza topped with jalapeños for an extra kick. I later got to feel that kick a second time as I vomited in the middle of the night. Some came out my nose. FML

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By Xav_Cad - France

Today, I found a deodorant spray underneath the counter of the snack place I work in, so give it a try to see what it smells like. It's currently the high season, and so I have quite a few clients standing in line in front of me, but it seems they'll now have to wait a couple of days for the restaurant to have all the remnants of the CS gas spray cleaned up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carrollton

Today, my wife and I had a fight, which I thought we resolved. Later, while painting the kitchen, I told her to change into an old shirt she didn't care about. She made a huge show of putting her wedding gown on, veil and all. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2020 22:56 - United States - Ashburn

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

Today, I jokingly said to my coworker, "God, what I wouldn't do for a week off work." I was then tested positive for COVID fifteen minutes later. FML

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By Manatee - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML

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By Cheerieful - United States

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

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By brokeasajoke - United States - El Reno

Today, an old man looked me dead in the eyes as he reached into my tip jar, grabbed the money, and then walked out of the store as if nothing ever happened. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything to stop him. FML

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By motherdearest - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

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By sweatstreaks - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

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By sexyswollen - Netherlands

Today, I woke up to find my face all red and swollen. Turns out it is caused by the medication I’ve been taking for over a week now. Only in very rare cases it will cause redness on your skin. I’m glad to know I’m special. FML

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By single once again - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I found out my boyfriend has an account on a sex hookup site. He said it has "interesting articles" and that he'd completed his profile and listed his sexual preferences out of boredom. When I told him to sign in and prove he hadn't been messaging girls, he refused and called me paranoid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - El Paso

Today, while at the beach, my son needed to pee. I told him to pee in the ocean. He took off his pants and peed from the beach to the water. FML

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By Nebraskawreck

Today, my husband left our untrained puppy out of its kennel when he left for work. I got home and all of the baby books my parents just bought for us that were on the coffee table in a backpack were completely destroyed, along with the bag and parts of our wall. FML

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By BOOP - United States

Today, I took my grandmother for a spin in my new car. Apparently, she had no idea that seat-warmers exist and that hers was turned on, because fifteen minutes into the ride she started shouting, "My ass is on fire!" causing me to swerve into a pole. FML

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By confusedbutloved - United States - North Easton

Today, my boyfriend of seven months and I were looking at some pictures on his iPad. I saw a picture of a kid of about two years old that looked a little like him. I jokingly said, "What, is that your son?" Imagine my surprise when he said that it was. FML

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By itachi desu

Not so wise, eh?

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. While under the influence of the drugs, I tried to speak Japanese. Later, my Japanese roommate informed me that I was saying "I am a weasel" over and over again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Temecula

Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML

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Top comments

By jenjen2633 | 17

#6024263 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

It's always the innocent looking ones...

By TheKingKen | 22

#6024270 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

It always makes me sad when a person's entertainment is at the expense of someone else. It happens all the time

COMMENTS

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6024259 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:25

looll nobody in Toronto is like that, wdf

Reply

JennaNGood | 21

#6024331 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:18

Yeah, when I moved to Toronto, everybody I asked for directions was SUPER nice. It is also OP's fault for trusting her after that ..

Reply

worldclassrager | 39

#6024351 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:39

Ontario*

Reply

Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6024357 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:42

read OP's name....

Reply

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#6024381 - Thursday 31 July 2014 20:04

Tdot is weird ass slang for Toronto for those who don't know.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6024413 - Thursday 31 July 2014 20:57

^ Thank you.

By dabears1011234 | 27

#6024262 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

Do you happen to be in New York City?

Reply

anormalperson | 25

#6024309 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:53

It says Canada above the FML so no.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#6024312 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:53

Canada man, Canada

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6024353 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:40

It it wasn't in Canada, I'd guess NYC or LA. Talk about being cold...

Reply

addictedtoIASIP | 14

#6024469 - Thursday 31 July 2014 22:38

Talk about not taking the time to read where the guys from. He's from canada

Reply

sexpectations | 15

#6024470 - Thursday 31 July 2014 22:39

Toronto, to be exact

Reply

xoteeshaox | 22

#6024488 - Thursday 31 July 2014 23:10

if you are on the mobile app, it doesnt say where from. or at least not on my app (on a windows phone)

Reply

omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#6024598 - Friday 1 August 2014 2:30

@63 there are other big cities in Canada such as Ottawa Montreal and Vancouver.

Reply

ShowMeKay | 20

#6024616 - Friday 1 August 2014 3:18

#78 - No, 63's comment is right. OP's name says "lost in tdot" which stands for Toronto specifically.

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6024707 - Friday 1 August 2014 6:00

Is Toronto part of Ontario, or vice versa? The post on the official FML app says published - Canada, Ontario.

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6024720 - Friday 1 August 2014 6:15

Ignore me, didn't realize Ontario was a province in Canada and Toronto was its capital.

Reply

bluejayfan02 | 27

#6025787 - Saturday 2 August 2014 9:59

his name is "Lostintdot" i live 45 min north from Toronto and Tdot is another name for it.

Reply

JosephMoore77 | 8

#6026402 - Sunday 3 August 2014 2:49

Read under the fml, it says it in small text, #64

Reply

octopussperm125 | 18

#6027202 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:18

Nyc isnt only composed of assholes anymore, its slowly being overrun by hipsters

Reply

GenH2105 | 14

#6027600 - Monday 4 August 2014 16:35

#36: It's 82 degrees in Toronto today...

By jenjen2633 | 17

#6024263 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

It's always the innocent looking ones...

By sarneeley | 14

#6024264 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

Google it!

Reply

flufee2 | 27

#6024585 - Friday 1 August 2014 2:04

Maybe he needs the library for internet

Reply

kirito51 | 5

#6024586 - Friday 1 August 2014 2:08

then how is he writing this ?

Reply

flufee2 | 27

#6024662 - Friday 1 August 2014 4:34

He found the library!!!

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6024754 - Friday 1 August 2014 8:21

#85: Nah, man. Gay strip clubs have wifi now, didntyaknow?

By garadan1 | 18

#6024268 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

Ugh. I cannot believe people sometimes. Sorry, OP. Hope you found the way!

By TheKingKen | 22

#6024270 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

It always makes me sad when a person's entertainment is at the expense of someone else. It happens all the time

Reply

minesbiggerr | 25

#6025308 - Friday 1 August 2014 22:52

^ this

By Steephx0 | 23

#6024271 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SMHsohard | 22

#6024319 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:02

And the award for Douchebag of the Year goes to...

Reply

kinky44 | 28

#6024490 - Thursday 31 July 2014 23:12

Me. Man, my mom is gonna be so proud!

Reply

jkmartinjk | 16

#6024772 - Friday 1 August 2014 9:14

^Your award goes well with your profile pic

By JRT98 | 12

#6024274 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:30

Well, at least you know where you are, kind of. Better than being in an alley.

By HAMY_fml | 23

#6024275 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:30

Try asking a police officer or a pizza place that delivers is just as good. ( plus you could get pizza)

Reply

shudson186 | 17

#6024435 - Thursday 31 July 2014 21:42

Or... Just pull out a map at at tourist booth. Even if they don't have a cellphone there is places that help tourists find locations. OP can use that as well. No need to go to a pizza place while they are already busy to get directions.

Reply

ShowMeKay | 20

#6024630 - Friday 1 August 2014 3:46

Toronto doesn't really have tourist booths around except major malls and attractions. Gas stations are probably the best bet for getting directions.

By Liamj774 | 36

#6024280 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:31

Find a book and slap her with it. If you find the library, of course