Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to,... - FML

By lostintdot - 31/7/2014 11:38 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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The best cat

The opposite of a good idea

Age ain't nothing but a number

By awalc - 20/12/2011 17:48 - United States

Today, I woke up with Skittles super glued to my forehead. FML

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By ThatOneGuy - 28/4/2019 16:00

Today I went on a date with my long time crush only to find out that we are distant cousins. FML

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By jolene11 - 17/5/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML

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By lct722 - 16/3/2012 05:54 - Canada

Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the corner of my eye. It was a birthmark. The same one that has been there for the last 23 years. FML

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By Jebus - 23/1/2009 13:31 - Canada

Today, I finally went on a date with the girl I'm in love with. After dinner we went to the bar for drinks and things were going great. Right up until she went home with another guy. FML

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By singledumbfuck - 22/3/2020 03:30

Eternally romantic

Today, my boyfriend proposed via text, after telling me that he'd slept with his step-sister. FML

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By smiles22 - 27/11/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a back-up girl if we break up. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 17:30 - United States

Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML

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By Angrymom - 22/10/2018 22:00

Today, my teenage son informed me that when he’s too lazy to walk to the bathroom, he uses the kitchen sink as a toilet. I use that sink every day to wash vegetables for my family's dinner. He doesn't see a problem with this. FML

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By smarterthanmymum - 26/5/2011 09:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain very slowly to my mum why she cannot put metal cutlery in the microwave. She did it anyway. FML

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By noo - 11/10/2009 10:54 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother called me to tell me she didn't appreciate our "public amorous behaviour" at the local food court. I didn't go out all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2010 17:30 - United States

Today, my car heater finally died. I deliver pizzas. In Alaska. FML

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By boytoy - 2/9/2009 21:23 - Canada

Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

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By Messiahman - 30/10/2011 01:31 - United States

Today, I was playing twister with my girlfriend at the school carnival. I jokingly squeeze her butt, only to find her mom standing right above us. FML

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By Dogmom - 18/12/2018 17:30

Today, I couldn’t tell that my puppy had an upset stomach before I left for work. I came home to her covered in shit inside her crate. After cleaning her up and almost being done with the mess, my husband found where she had tried to lick herself clean and then vomited it up in our bedroom. FML

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By T1A2Z3 - 13/11/2018 03:00

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

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By SphereMaiden - 22/2/2018 01:30

Today, after ignoring me for about a week, my boyfriend finally broke up with me. Why? He discovered that I use prescription deodorant. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 05:53 - United States

Today, my neighbor brought a ruined napkin holder over and claimed that we drilled a hole through his wall and ruined it. I apologized, not telling him that it was actually a bullet that my boyfriend shot through the wall. FML

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By Crochocinco85 - 13/3/2014 11:59 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was walking through the main lobby at school and I saw someone waving at me, so I waved back. Turns out she was just cleaning a glass door. I heard laughter behind me. FML

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By ohai95 - 8/8/2012 00:11 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I came out to my parents. I don't really fit any stereotype, I'm just an average guy who happens to be into guys. Ten minutes later, I overheard my mother say to my step-dad, "Should we redecorate his room pink?" FML

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By appendicitisanyone - 28/12/2016 17:44 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

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By onthemarket - 8/9/2010 19:46 - United States

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

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By ThreeHoursEarly - 24/1/2020 01:00

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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By khood - 14/4/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I bought a coral colored hooded sweatshirt, which my girlfriend told me was "hot". I wore it to a baseball game tonight. When it got cold I put the hood over my head, only to hear everyone behind me laugh. The back of the hood said "Boy crazy". It was a teen girls sweatshirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2018 13:30

Today, my manager told my shift that if we didn't have the quota filled for cinnamon rolls by tonight, we were all out of a job. One of the machines we use to wrap cinnamon rolls just started acting up. We also aren't allowed to take over time. FML

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By Girl123999 - 4/3/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2014 21:06 - Norway - Nesoddtangen

Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2014 15:40 - United States

Today, I accidentally asked the cashier at Wendy's how much their 99 cent chicken nuggets were. I guess he is still laughing at me. FML

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By bern5555 - 13/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 07:31 - Canada

Today, a pretty co-worker invited me out for drinks after my shift. I have no money left until payday. Embarrassed, I had to decline and go home alone. FML

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By Gemma - 3/11/2010 11:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a portable speed camera on the highway and braked hard. I caused a 4 car pile-up and my car is totaled. It wasn't a speed camera. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 18:27 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after months of a very healthy sex life with my boyfriend, he asked me to let him try anal. I'm dead-set against it, so I tried to let him down easy by jokingly saying that I would, but only if he let me try it on him first. He said, "Sure." Fuck. FML

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By itsgotime - 20/3/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I was running to my car, slipped, and slammed my head on the car door. I started driving to the hospital because it was bleeding profusely and I was dizzy, I called my mom to tell her what had happened. She said I was grounded for "goofing off" and that she was "sick of my shit". FML

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By Diana - 25/10/2019 22:00 - United States

We hear ya

Today, I found out that falling asleep with a bobby pin in your hair means waking up with one jammed in your ear drum. FML

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By Username - 27/5/2011 02:39

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

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By not outdoorsy - 10/7/2020 14:02

The call of the wild

Today, I haven’t been camping since I was a kid. I decided to give it another shot. I bought all the best equipment, researched all the great locations, planned a whole weekend. Turns out I still fucking hate camping and now I’m out over $400. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 02:00

Boring FML

Today, my wife of seven years told me she wants a divorce because I'm boring. FML

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By fattymcbutterpants - 19/6/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

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By HereKittyKitty - 1/12/2013 20:27 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after being convinced that my cat had worms due to eating so much food and still looking really skinny, I found out that my neighbor secretly lets his dog in through my pet door while I'm at work. FML

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By taz - 5/10/2018 15:30

Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML

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Top comments

By jenjen2633 | 17

#6024263 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

It's always the innocent looking ones...

By TheKingKen | 22

#6024270 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

It always makes me sad when a person's entertainment is at the expense of someone else. It happens all the time

Comments

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6024259 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:25

looll nobody in Toronto is like that, wdf

Reply

JennaNGood | 21

#6024331 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:18

Yeah, when I moved to Toronto, everybody I asked for directions was SUPER nice. It is also OP's fault for trusting her after that ..

Reply

worldclassrager | 39

#6024351 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:39

Ontario*

Reply

Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6024357 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:42

read OP's name....

Reply

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#6024381 - Thursday 31 July 2014 20:04

Tdot is weird ass slang for Toronto for those who don't know.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6024413 - Thursday 31 July 2014 20:57

^ Thank you.

By dabears1011234 | 27

#6024262 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

Do you happen to be in New York City?

Reply

anormalperson | 25

#6024309 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:53

It says Canada above the FML so no.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#6024312 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:53

Canada man, Canada

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6024353 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:40

It it wasn't in Canada, I'd guess NYC or LA. Talk about being cold...

Reply

addictedtoIASIP | 14

#6024469 - Thursday 31 July 2014 22:38

Talk about not taking the time to read where the guys from. He's from canada

Reply

sexpectations | 15

#6024470 - Thursday 31 July 2014 22:39

Toronto, to be exact

Reply

xoteeshaox | 22

#6024488 - Thursday 31 July 2014 23:10

if you are on the mobile app, it doesnt say where from. or at least not on my app (on a windows phone)

Reply

omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#6024598 - Friday 1 August 2014 2:30

@63 there are other big cities in Canada such as Ottawa Montreal and Vancouver.

Reply

ShowMeKay | 20

#6024616 - Friday 1 August 2014 3:18

#78 - No, 63's comment is right. OP's name says "lost in tdot" which stands for Toronto specifically.

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6024707 - Friday 1 August 2014 6:00

Is Toronto part of Ontario, or vice versa? The post on the official FML app says published - Canada, Ontario.

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6024720 - Friday 1 August 2014 6:15

Ignore me, didn't realize Ontario was a province in Canada and Toronto was its capital.

Reply

bluejayfan02 | 27

#6025787 - Saturday 2 August 2014 9:59

his name is "Lostintdot" i live 45 min north from Toronto and Tdot is another name for it.

Reply

JosephMoore77 | 8

#6026402 - Sunday 3 August 2014 2:49

Read under the fml, it says it in small text, #64

Reply

octopussperm125 | 18

#6027202 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:18

Nyc isnt only composed of assholes anymore, its slowly being overrun by hipsters

Reply

GenH2105 | 14

#6027600 - Monday 4 August 2014 16:35

#36: It's 82 degrees in Toronto today...

By jenjen2633 | 17

#6024263 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

It's always the innocent looking ones...

By sarneeley | 14

#6024264 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

Google it!

Reply

flufee2 | 27

#6024585 - Friday 1 August 2014 2:04

Maybe he needs the library for internet

Reply

kirito51 | 5

#6024586 - Friday 1 August 2014 2:08

then how is he writing this ?

Reply

flufee2 | 27

#6024662 - Friday 1 August 2014 4:34

He found the library!!!

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6024754 - Friday 1 August 2014 8:21

#85: Nah, man. Gay strip clubs have wifi now, didntyaknow?

By garadan1 | 18

#6024268 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

Ugh. I cannot believe people sometimes. Sorry, OP. Hope you found the way!

By TheKingKen | 22

#6024270 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

It always makes me sad when a person's entertainment is at the expense of someone else. It happens all the time

Reply

minesbiggerr | 25

#6025308 - Friday 1 August 2014 22:52

^ this

By Steephx0 | 23

#6024271 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SMHsohard | 22

#6024319 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:02

And the award for Douchebag of the Year goes to...

Reply

kinky44 | 28

#6024490 - Thursday 31 July 2014 23:12

Me. Man, my mom is gonna be so proud!

Reply

jkmartinjk | 16

#6024772 - Friday 1 August 2014 9:14

^Your award goes well with your profile pic

By JRT98 | 12

#6024274 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:30

Well, at least you know where you are, kind of. Better than being in an alley.

By HAMY_fml | 23

#6024275 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:30

Try asking a police officer or a pizza place that delivers is just as good. ( plus you could get pizza)

Reply

shudson186 | 17

#6024435 - Thursday 31 July 2014 21:42

Or... Just pull out a map at at tourist booth. Even if they don't have a cellphone there is places that help tourists find locations. OP can use that as well. No need to go to a pizza place while they are already busy to get directions.

Reply

ShowMeKay | 20

#6024630 - Friday 1 August 2014 3:46

Toronto doesn't really have tourist booths around except major malls and attractions. Gas stations are probably the best bet for getting directions.

By Liamj774 | 36

#6024280 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:31

Find a book and slap her with it. If you find the library, of course