Miscellaneous: Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to,... - FML

By lostintdot - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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Family values

Dangling modifier

This is fine

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML

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By Crying

It's toast

Today, I no longer have a toaster. My younger sister put it in the bath because apparently it looked dirty. FML

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By weep weep weep - United States

Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

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By NickC - Malaysia

Today, my girlfriend's parents wanted to cook dinner for me. After a whole day of cooking up a storm, her parents cooked an elaborate meal of roast lamb, pork chops and grilled chicken. Rejecting a meal is like spitting in ones face in Chinese culture. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By kiki - United States

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

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By maggie74 - United States - Enfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a nude picture, he sent it back to me with a mustache on my face from that iPhone app and told me he likes it much better that way. FML

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By bxjxj - United States

Today, I asked my grandpa why he spoils me so much. He told me it's because he truly believes no one else will ever want to. FML

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By loner - United States

Today, in an effort to make new friends in my history class, I sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy. He got up, walked away, and sat down in a different seat. FML

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By Alexis

Today, I took a cab ride home from a bar. After a few minutes of horrible driving, I felt sick. The cab driver got so mad she locked me in the car and started driving me to the cops unless I payed her extra. Basically, I paid $120 for a five-minute cab ride. FML

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By friendless - United States - Spokane

#rude

Today, I invited my only friend to my birthday party and she said no, not because she couldn’t go, but because she didn’t want to. FML

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By Irobot

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was berated by a customer for a good two minutes. It's okay though because she ended with, "Sorry, I forget you all are real people." FML

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By Aries_gurl - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my sister asked to use my blow dryer, so I gave her the keys to my apartment. When I came home from work, half my clothes were missing. FML

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By Henji - United States

Today, I gave a girl I like a $200 diamond necklace to express how much she means to me. She gave me a hug and told me she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Nor did she want to lose her new necklace. Today, I got a $200 hug. FML

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By Bun - 11/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Baltimore

Pants on fire

Today, I found out that while I was attending AA meetings to help understand how to help my boyfriend of 7 years when he got back from rehab, that he was not in rehab at all. He was on vacation. With his wife. FML

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By Lavalise - France

Today, on the subway, a woman got off without her suitcase. I grabbed the case, chased her onto the platform, and shouted, "You forgot your suitcase!" while the doors closed behind me. In actual fact, it wasn't her suitcase, and its actual owner was still on the train. FML

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By ev_lyn_aw

Today, today while walking my dog in a different part of town, a man ran screaming out of his house, and threw a plastic bag at me. It was dog poop. It was the first time I'd ever walked in front of his house with my dog. FML

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By Tired

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for doing what she wanted me to do. I guess she didn't think I would do it and did it herself. FML

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By embarrassed4life - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when the girl in the stall next to me started asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was weird but not wanting to be rude, I answered her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on, the girl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Richmond

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML

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By Andrew - Ireland

Today, I started my shift as a cop, patrolling the streets on a bicycle. Everywhere I went, gangs of youths yelled stuff out at me, like "Bike twat", "Pig on wheels", "That's a girl's bike you muppet" and "Go on wanker, do a wheelie." FML

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By John - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

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By klala - Reserved

Today, my boss asked me if I could work on Valentine's Day because there was no chance of me having a date. She's right. FML

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By Yeoman - New Zealand

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2021 17:01

Desperate man

Today, I have been married for nearly 16 years. I've not had sex in over three years. My wife spends all hours chatting and gaming online with friends, and when she finally crashes into bed, she just goes to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting on the train and some crazy man started talking to me. I ignored him, and he tapped on my shoulder. He started blabbing and I just pointed to my ears and mouthed "I'm deaf." He stopped talking. A minute later my phone rang and I answered it without thinking. FML

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By Peter80 - Netherlands

Today, at work, our new cute intern asked me if I could explain my work. Taking a cool posture sitting on her desk I explained. After 10 minutes I walked away, only to hear her laughing with the girl next to her. Turns out my fly was open. And I didn't wear underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

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By Crud - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months dumped me over the phone. I'm in the military and recently had to move away to another fort. We'd agreed that we would try to make long distance work. I'd even offered to buy a plane ticket to come see her each weekend. I've been gone less than two weeks. FML

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By neryc - United States - Hummelstown

Today, my little sister started freaking out, because she was playing with some white-out eraser and got some on her finger. She started crying inconsolably because she thought her entire finger was going to disappear. FML

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By Anonymous. - United States

Today, the guy I've been texting told me he loved me and he couldn't wait to make me his wife, and he couldn't wait for us to have kids and grow old together. I've only known him for 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, thanks to Grand Theft Auto, I found myself seriously thinking about holding up an armored bank truck when I saw it in traffic. FML

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By cj1012 - United States

Today, a homeless man started to wet himself in the recliner at the coffee shop where I work. He then walked all the way to the bathroom, only to finish urinating in a puddle right in front of the bathroom door. Guess who cleaned it up. FML

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By ceetee - Australia

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

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By florisvanlent - Netherlands

Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man boobs against my back. FML

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By penguins - United States

Today, I found out that in the three years I've been dating my boyfriend, his parents have secretly been going through all of his emails, including the ones I've sent him with "sexy" pictures attached. I can't look his parents in the eye without being reminded that they've both seen me naked. FML

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By RBergman - United States - Basin

Today, I had to arrest my own boyfriend for public sex. FML

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By Anonymous

Stoner Logic

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my dad telling his work buddy that he's disappointed in his kid. I assumed he meant my brother, for flunking out of school. He meant me, for quitting sports to focus on my studies. FML

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By TuralSucks - United States

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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Top comments

By jenjen2633 | 17

#6024263 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

It's always the innocent looking ones...

By TheKingKen | 22

#6024270 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

It always makes me sad when a person's entertainment is at the expense of someone else. It happens all the time

COMMENTS

By Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6024259 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:25

looll nobody in Toronto is like that, wdf

Reply

JennaNGood | 21

#6024331 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:18

Yeah, when I moved to Toronto, everybody I asked for directions was SUPER nice. It is also OP's fault for trusting her after that ..

Reply

worldclassrager | 39

#6024351 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:39

Ontario*

Reply

Lebeaugars95 | 20

#6024357 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:42

read OP's name....

Reply

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#6024381 - Thursday 31 July 2014 20:04

Tdot is weird ass slang for Toronto for those who don't know.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6024413 - Thursday 31 July 2014 20:57

^ Thank you.

By dabears1011234 | 27

#6024262 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

Do you happen to be in New York City?

Reply

anormalperson | 25

#6024309 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:53

It says Canada above the FML so no.

Reply

CobraLazerFace | 21

#6024312 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:53

Canada man, Canada

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6024353 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:40

It it wasn't in Canada, I'd guess NYC or LA. Talk about being cold...

Reply

addictedtoIASIP | 14

#6024469 - Thursday 31 July 2014 22:38

Talk about not taking the time to read where the guys from. He's from canada

Reply

sexpectations | 15

#6024470 - Thursday 31 July 2014 22:39

Toronto, to be exact

Reply

xoteeshaox | 22

#6024488 - Thursday 31 July 2014 23:10

if you are on the mobile app, it doesnt say where from. or at least not on my app (on a windows phone)

Reply

omgbrainZ_fml | 24

#6024598 - Friday 1 August 2014 2:30

@63 there are other big cities in Canada such as Ottawa Montreal and Vancouver.

Reply

ShowMeKay | 20

#6024616 - Friday 1 August 2014 3:18

#78 - No, 63's comment is right. OP's name says "lost in tdot" which stands for Toronto specifically.

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6024707 - Friday 1 August 2014 6:00

Is Toronto part of Ontario, or vice versa? The post on the official FML app says published - Canada, Ontario.

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6024720 - Friday 1 August 2014 6:15

Ignore me, didn't realize Ontario was a province in Canada and Toronto was its capital.

Reply

bluejayfan02 | 27

#6025787 - Saturday 2 August 2014 9:59

his name is "Lostintdot" i live 45 min north from Toronto and Tdot is another name for it.

Reply

JosephMoore77 | 8

#6026402 - Sunday 3 August 2014 2:49

Read under the fml, it says it in small text, #64

Reply

octopussperm125 | 18

#6027202 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:18

Nyc isnt only composed of assholes anymore, its slowly being overrun by hipsters

Reply

GenH2105 | 14

#6027600 - Monday 4 August 2014 16:35

#36: It's 82 degrees in Toronto today...

By jenjen2633 | 17

#6024263 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

It's always the innocent looking ones...

By sarneeley | 14

#6024264 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:26

Google it!

Reply

flufee2 | 27

#6024585 - Friday 1 August 2014 2:04

Maybe he needs the library for internet

Reply

kirito51 | 5

#6024586 - Friday 1 August 2014 2:08

then how is he writing this ?

Reply

flufee2 | 27

#6024662 - Friday 1 August 2014 4:34

He found the library!!!

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6024754 - Friday 1 August 2014 8:21

#85: Nah, man. Gay strip clubs have wifi now, didntyaknow?

By garadan1 | 18

#6024268 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

Ugh. I cannot believe people sometimes. Sorry, OP. Hope you found the way!

By TheKingKen | 22

#6024270 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

It always makes me sad when a person's entertainment is at the expense of someone else. It happens all the time

Reply

minesbiggerr | 25

#6025308 - Friday 1 August 2014 22:52

^ this

By Steephx0 | 23

#6024271 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SMHsohard | 22

#6024319 - Thursday 31 July 2014 19:02

And the award for Douchebag of the Year goes to...

Reply

kinky44 | 28

#6024490 - Thursday 31 July 2014 23:12

Me. Man, my mom is gonna be so proud!

Reply

jkmartinjk | 16

#6024772 - Friday 1 August 2014 9:14

^Your award goes well with your profile pic

By JRT98 | 12

#6024274 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:30

Well, at least you know where you are, kind of. Better than being in an alley.

By HAMY_fml | 23

#6024275 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:30

Try asking a police officer or a pizza place that delivers is just as good. ( plus you could get pizza)

Reply

shudson186 | 17

#6024435 - Thursday 31 July 2014 21:42

Or... Just pull out a map at at tourist booth. Even if they don't have a cellphone there is places that help tourists find locations. OP can use that as well. No need to go to a pizza place while they are already busy to get directions.

Reply

ShowMeKay | 20

#6024630 - Friday 1 August 2014 3:46

Toronto doesn't really have tourist booths around except major malls and attractions. Gas stations are probably the best bet for getting directions.

By Liamj774 | 36

#6024280 - Thursday 31 July 2014 18:31

Find a book and slap her with it. If you find the library, of course