Today, I realized that I have an odd habit of plucking the tiny... - FML

By Hairylass - 2/10/2018 06:00 - United States

Today, I realized that I have an odd habit of plucking the tiny white hairs on my upper lip when I am overly stressed. But only the right side. I noticed when examining my face and seeing they'd all come back black. I've got half a mustache. I'm female. FML

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Time don't heal nothing

DINOSAURS!!

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Stan - 29/8/2011 21:19 - United States

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

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By Redhead4life - 18/3/2012 00:48 - United States - Miami

Today, a little girl looked at me and yelled "Mommy look, there's a real leprechaun!" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2012 05:21 - United States

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

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By Joel - 2/9/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I found out that my company was throwing a work picnic. When i showed up, I realized that it had been planned months ago and I wasn't supposed to find out. The entire restaurant was there greeting me with faces of utter shock. Nothing says 'you suck' more than being 'that guy' at your job. FML

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By fuck fof and die dad - 20/11/2014 19:48 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

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By LaurenLehmmman - 27/12/2010 22:22 - United States

Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML

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By LizP40 - 27/8/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2018 20:30

Today, I couldn't sleep. I had to pee really badly but I'm terrified of the dark, so I closed my eyes all the way to the bathroom. On the way, I tripped over my dog and fell face-first into the door frame. He then humped me as my nose bled all over the floor. FML

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By bTOhno - 13/8/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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By bdayloser - 7/11/2009 05:24 - Canada

Today, I celebrated my 18th birthday. Alone. My only birthday wish came from the police officer who gave me a ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 16:51 - United States - Ozark

Today, I confessed to my girlfriend that I cheated on her. She told me that she needed time to think, and left. An hour later, her dad came by with a baseball bat. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2012 13:11 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML

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By Ellie - 9/10/2013 23:15 - United States - Mission

Today, I dreamt that I beat someone up for using Comic Sans in a project. Now I can't look at him without being irrationally angry. FML

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By awkwardaf3 - 12/12/2016 01:13 - United States - Bel Air

Today, as I squatted down to get a snack, my pajama pants ripped wide open. I guess the universe is try to tell me something. FML

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By Nicked - 25/4/2009 11:50 - Israel

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

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By Confusedfiance - 16/10/2018 05:00

Today, my ex messaged me out of the blue saying she found my fiancé's tinder profile. I told her there was no way it was true. It actually was. FML

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By ravlol - 25/11/2011 18:08 - United States

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

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By fckdsamaritan - 16/12/2010 19:35 - Tunisia

Today, I helped a man with a neck brace get on the bus. I fell asleep, only to wake up later on to him gratuitously stroking my breasts with his elbow. FML

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By anonymous - 1/12/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

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By Noname - 23/2/2009 04:50 - United States

Today, my sister had a friend over and I had just gotten out of the shower. I wrapped something around me and walked across the living room. When I walked through, they both started laughing hysterically. Turns out, I grabbed a poncho and the hole for the head ended up right over my crotch. FML

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By Mintspice - 8/5/2019 12:00

Today, a girl I've liked for months agreed to go to a movie. We were going to see Captain Marvel, but missed the show time, so we saw Five Feet Apart. Blessing in disguise, right? Wrong. She cried while holding my hand as she talked about how in love she is with another girl. FML

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By Lesbian and proud, nana - 12/11/2018 14:00

Today, my nana turned up at my flat for a visit, barged in without knocking, and found me having sex with both of my girlfriends. The vicious religious lecture that followed would have stripped the tramp stamp off a whore. She then rampaged through our bedroom and binned all our sex toys. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 21:05 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML

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By i suck, this i know :( - 26/7/2013 22:11 - Malawi - Blantyre

Today, I went to my father for advice. I've been seeing a wonderful girl for the past month, and I feel terrible about it, because I already have a girlfriend. He said "Kill yourself" and that if I "can't even do that right" then to get out of his house, because he disowns me. FML

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By immy504 - 30/11/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, at my job as a waitress, I fell, landed on my ass, managing not to spill the drinks or drop the food in my hands. A little boy yelled "NINJA WAITRESS!" Every one at work has been calling me that all day, and purposely been trying to trip me to see if I could do it again. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2012 18:33 - United States - Auburn

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2015 19:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my two sons were fighting. I had to shout, "Give me that pillow" - the object over which they were quarrelling - and put them into two separate rooms. My sons are 12 and 15. FML

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By OCDrunk - 23/11/2011 06:40 - Australia

Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML

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By lonely - 15/7/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I hired somebody to send me love letters. I'm that lonely. FML

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By Chansus10 - 20/10/2014 15:03 - United States - Greendale

Today, my boss drove past me while I was walking to work, and splashing mud over my uniform. When I got to work, he criticized me for showing up in unpresentable condition. FML

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By Oh hello there - 17/6/2018 01:30

Today, I accidentally left my Nintendo 3DS at the barbershop, so I rushed back to get it. The 60-year-old barber had destroyed it with a hammer, saying it was a weapon of the devil. I was gone 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2012 10:21 - Sweden - Norsborg

Today, it was the first time I was going to fly first class. I ended up in the bathroom almost the whole flight with diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2010 07:47 - United States

Today, I was driving back home after hanging out with some friends. I drove pass a woman standing next to a broken down car. I felt bad, so went back and offered her a ride home. Turns out it wasn't her car and she was a hooker. FML

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By t-dawg - 9/5/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

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By loveyouson - 9/1/2013 18:48 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my son got his first tooth, and is enthusiastically biting everything. I breastfeed. FML

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By eiregal2 - 15/4/2020 23:00 - Ireland - Cork

Butterfingers

Today, I somehow managed to slice open my thumb. The dangerous weapon that caused this to happen? Velcro. FML

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By - 25/2/2020 14:00

Knock out

Today, I treated myself to a Thai massage. The masseuse was so aggressive and intense, she left me with injuries on my hands and back. I paid $60 for someone to hurt me. FML

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By anonymous - 30/6/2010 04:05 - United States

Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating right after I maxed out my credit card buying him everything on his Christmas list. FML

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By pitytitty - 9/1/2015 09:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML

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Top comments

By 2013bchan41 | 20

#7702875 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 13:55

You have trichotillomania, I have it too, but instead of my mustache I pull at my beard hair
I suggest waxing or epilating, it'll get the hairs out and they won't grow back for at least a couple weeks.

By bluhbluhbluh | 14

#7702841 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 12:35

I mustache you to cut it out immediately.

Comments

By bluhbluhbluh | 14

#7702841 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 12:35

I mustache you to cut it out immediately.

By Jeremy Phillips | 18

#7702860 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 13:34

Real life two face

By 2013bchan41 | 20

#7702875 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 13:55

You have trichotillomania, I have it too, but instead of my mustache I pull at my beard hair
I suggest waxing or epilating, it'll get the hairs out and they won't grow back for at least a couple weeks.

Reply

WHSKitty4ever | 23

#7703029 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 20:08

Um, that’s incorrect. What you’re thinking of is people who pull out body (not just scalp) hair. https://www.google.com/?sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwislKTPq-jdAhXp5IMKHUfGC2MQOwgC

By melisssa87 | 30

#7702901 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 15:03

Lots of women have a moustache, I hate mine but it feels good to wax it and see how much hair you pulled out

By Abbusser | 9

#7703111 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 22:29

Better start plucking the other side now so it grows out evenly...

By Charlie Given | 21

#7703126 - Tuesday 2 October 2018 22:50

This could be a new career for you in a freak show as the half man half woman side show 😏

By PhoenixChick | 26

#7703194 - Wednesday 3 October 2018 1:53

Holy shit, I do this too. But I just pull the left side. Weird lady mustache plucking sister!

By Meghan Johnston | 2

#7703778 - Thursday 4 October 2018 13:16

Does no one understand this isn't possible?
It's genetics and age, and your chemical makeup that decides what colour any hair on your body is. The whole pull out a hair and it comes back thicker and darker is literally a myth and a load of crap.