Today, while I was walking along the sidewalk, someone passed... - FML

By anonymous - 15/6/2019 02:25

Today, while I was walking along the sidewalk, someone passed by and said, "Tuck that nose in." FML

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Big baby man

Compassion

Don't give up

By bored - 27/11/2012 18:05 - United States

Today, I've now worked on Thanksgiving, Black Friday, the weekend after that, and two days this week. My husband and son have had all that time off, and yet I've still ended up having to clean the dishes and the house after them on all of these days. FML

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By fmlman - 15/3/2013 05:44 - United States - Rawlins

Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2016 19:46 - United States - Bronx

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

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By search_me - 16/7/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, while going through airport security the lady asked why I folded everything so small. I said that I was going away for a month and needed to fit a lot of stuff in only one bag. She smiled, nodded and then dumped my luggage to search for "drugs and other illegal teen things." FML

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By lookslikeaboyapparently - 19/10/2010 21:23 - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl came up to me and asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" I said, "I'm a girl of course!" She walked away, looking dazed and saying, "Whoa." FML

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By twistedelegance - 19/7/2019 04:00

Today, I failed my driving test, and didn't get my great new job that a buddy helped me get. He got fired, and they won't hire me because he recommended me, regardless of how qualified for the job and how great the interview went. He called to tell me an hour before my driving test. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2013 08:29 - United States - Inglewood

Today, I tried to be cute by sitting on top of my boyfriend's belly. While getting on top, I accidentally kneed him in his nuts. In pain, he jolted his head up and ended up banging his head against mine. Now I have a black eye and he can't walk without waddling. FML

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By - 1/1/2009 18:21 - France

Today, my boss got a promotion and I got laid off. FML

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By catattack78 - 21/10/2010 14:48 - United States

Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML

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By Manatee - 11/5/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor. I had a spider bite that had been getting progressively larger for days. I had been putting Neosporin on underneath the bandage that was on it. The doctor saw my wound and laughed. He said the spider bite was no big deal, but that I was allergic to the Neosporin. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 20:00

"Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger…"

Today, my wife wants a divorce. Apparently, she only married me for my potential, since my twin brother is a lawyer, she hoped I’d become a success as well, but since I’m content to be a carpenter, she considers me a disappointment and a failure. FML

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By StarDust5921 - 4/10/2016 01:55 - United States - Utica

Today, while working at a bank, I helped a customer who was making a large withdrawal. After I counted out his money, I asked "Do you want the strap on?" After a moment of awkward silence, as I realized how that came out, he smiled and said, "No thanks, I don't need one." and winked. Great. FML

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By dogdays - 10/11/2014 01:12 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I left my dog alone while I went to work, like usual. He usually hangs out in the big bay window that faces the street. Today he decided to steal my vibrator and chew it while sitting in the window. I can only imagine how many people walked by and saw it. FML

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By Z88 - 21/4/2010 20:29 - South Africa

Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

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By xxx - 3/10/2015 13:38 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died. But I thought for a few seconds the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

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By beaverless - 2/5/2011 20:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend kindly broke the news to me that she doesn't want to take part in sexual activity anymore because it is getting too boring. FML

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By ctschantz - 6/10/2010 14:29 - France

Today, I was getting ready to load my groceries in my car when my remote wouldn't work and neither would my key to unlock it. A cute young guy came over, not to help but to ask me what the hell I was doing to his car. My car, that looked exactly like his, was on the other side of the lot. FML

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By whowhat - 11/7/2013 06:26 - United States

Today, I came home at 1am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2016 07:49 - United States - La Mesa

Today, while working third shift alone at a gas station, I had to deal with a crazy guy tripping balls and asking me if it was okay to bring a gun into the place. I don't get paid nearly enough for this. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2014 19:58 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, my pet bunny died. My little sister is distraught and practically suicidal, because apparently she playfully pointed a wand at it a few days ago and said "avada kedavra". She's absolutely convinced that she killed it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2019 14:29

Tonight, on First Dates…

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

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By steffansk1997 - 15/12/2016 21:08

Today, I had an appointment with the CEO of a big company about a game I'm going to make for them. The first thing I did after sitting down was to throw my coffee all over his desk. FML

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By DBZ - 20/2/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I had a food allergy test done because of an ugly acne upswing. And after over a year of vegetarianism, I find out that I'm allergic to soy. FML

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By ineedalife - 2/2/2013 12:08 - Australia

Today, I got so lonely I decided to make sock puppets and play with them. I played for four hours straight, only to be interrupted by a phone call. I didn't answer because my sock puppets were "on a date" and I didn't want to stop playing. FML

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By wheel 4 - 1/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went out with my best friend, his girlfriend, and a girl they've been wanting to introduce to me. I thought they wanted to set us up, but it turns out they're a throuple and wanted me to be the first to know. I think I'm the first fourth wheel in history. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2013 21:05 - United States - Nevada

Today, I gave my daughter the sex talk. Barely 10 minutes later, her public Facebook status read: "My mom's a total pedo." and after she mentioned the talk, her friend posted, "That's sexual harassment. You can sue for that." Clearly I've failed as a parent. FML

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By luckygirl - 13/10/2015 16:20 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML

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By Carolyn Burnham - 23/10/2016 15:23

Today, I was at the local drive-thru with my boyfriend. While we were picking up the food, the asswipe at the window thought it hilarious to copy the scene from "American Beauty" and pretend that we were a couple and that I was cheating on him. My actual boyfriend believed it and won't talk to me. FML

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By Doglover - 2/11/2017 14:00

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

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By pi_power_15 - 11/8/2015 03:25 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. FML

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By wat - 20/9/2013 05:52 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

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By ineedanewjob - 9/4/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn't. They WANTED me to quit. FML

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By 3peeps - 30/12/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML

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By KarolBee - 14/5/2009 06:48 - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. Trying to be romantic, I told him that I loved him and I was so glad I was with him. He responded by giving me a thumbs-up and turning back to the TV. FML

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By smartass - 30/5/2015 02:31 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that a classmate and I have the same glasses. To prove it, I tried bending his glasses, since mine are flexible and can bend. I snapped his glasses in half. FML

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By cocacola999 - 3/5/2014 10:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party. Trying to overcome my social anxiety, I was trying to take part in conversations. So, when a girl mentioned she had a doctor's appointment next morning, I blurted out: "What kind of a doctor?" Everyone stared as she responded: "A gynaecologist." FML

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By nadette - 25/5/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML

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By dumbmotherinlaw - 6/7/2016 17:29 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was crossing back over the Mexico-US border. My mother-in-law got out of the car to go to the bathroom, since traffic was horrible. Two hours of worrying sick later, turns out she crossed the border without telling me. FML

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By Robert Herrin - 14/8/2018 18:30

Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

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Top comments

By INDYSTRUCTABLE | 43

#7812260 - Saturday 15 June 2019 4:05

I'm not even sure what this means but I found it hilarious!

By Jeremy Strang | 7

#7812258 - Saturday 15 June 2019 3:26

...good?

Or maybe bad?

Or meaningless. Going with that one.

Comments

By Jeremy Strang | 7

#7812258 - Saturday 15 June 2019 3:26

...good?

Or maybe bad?

Or meaningless. Going with that one.

By INDYSTRUCTABLE | 43

#7812260 - Saturday 15 June 2019 4:05

I'm not even sure what this means but I found it hilarious!

By abfab5300 | 13

#7812300 - Saturday 15 June 2019 9:23

I sincerely hope that wasn’t meant as an anti-Semitic or anti-Arab remark. If so, please stay proud, bigotry never wins.

By Jill Marie Peters | 8

#7812976 - Tuesday 18 June 2019 2:05

I love big noses! My man of 22 years has a large schnoz and it was what attracted me to him in the first place!

By BloodyButUnbowed | 25

#7813567 - Wednesday 19 June 2019 22:25

If that was a random act of weirdness, it's actually pretty funny. On the other hand, if you happen to have a large nose and this was a crack about your appearance ... yeah, that's mean, and F your L.