Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I...

By Angel - 22/6/2015 02:16 - United States - Utica

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Whatthefuckaburger

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By LemonLearn - 6/10/2016 20:59 - United States - New York

Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML

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By WhyTheEff - 20/11/2009 23:50 - United States

Today, I woke up to find my house TP'd. I also noticed our entire house was devoid of toilet paper. Someone had broken in just to steal our toilet paper and TP our own house with it. FML

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By Embarrassed - 1/10/2010 13:06 - United States

Today, I had to sneeze really bad in a restaurant. To avoid sneezing on everybody's food, I turned my head to the side and sneezed, it just so happens a waitress was there serving a table. My nose went straight into her ass. FML

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By tuck87 - 18/7/2014 15:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a customer write "fuck you" in the tip option area on his credit card slip, I have no idea why. FML

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By lonelyharts86 - 13/6/2012 14:50 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had an interview for my dream job. I was offered coffee and a donut. It was going well until I took a bite of the donut and started choking on it. I coughed so hard I ended up vomiting into his garbage can. FML

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By screwed - 20/3/2014 21:03 - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had to give a deposition ahead of a trial in which my former boss is accused of fraud. I'm not a smart man, and I smoked a joint before heading out to try to calm my nerves. I got way too high and ended up giggling like an idiot through half the deposition. FML

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By DIY560 - 24/2/2014 03:59 - United States - Ambler

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2013 02:23 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months got upset and frustrated with me because he had yet to meet my mom. I'd told him on our first date that she passed away 4 years ago. FML

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By kel - 8/11/2013 23:50 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

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By CapNCook - 24/7/2013 09:15 - United States - Chicago

Today, a co-worker verbally abused me because I yawned. His excuse was that, "It's contagious". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2017 18:00

Today, I told my girlfriend that I miss the amazing sex life we used to have, as we haven't had sex in months. She accidentally blurted out, "Well, I've still got one." It seems our neighbour has taken over my role in the bedroom. FML

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By anonymous - 29/6/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, a cute thirty-ish chick walked into the bar I work in. I asked her for her license to make her feel young. She didn't have her license on her and started yelling about how stupid it was to even ask, when she obviously was old enough to drink. She then got up and left. FML

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By seb21 - 9/2/2009 02:32 - United States

Today, I called my dad to inform him I was coming home from college for the weekend. Expecting him to be excited, he responded with "why?" This weekend was my birthday. FML

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By Brunofk7 - 21/11/2015 00:59 - Peru - Lima

Today, I made a multiple choice exam so my friend could practice and get a good grade on his real exam. While I was helping him finish it, the teacher saw it, thought we were cheating and failed us both. FML

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By hellosir - 27/3/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, while at my dorm, I experienced a vomit-inducing migraine. In my hurry to get to the bathroom to puke, I couldn't find a pair of shoes. I urgently needed the toilet, so I braved the communal bathroom barefoot. As I opened the stall door, I stepped in someone else's fresh vomit. FML

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By smeeagain - 21/10/2011 01:17 - United States

Today, I was chaperoning at my local high school's Homecoming dance. Outside the gym, I saw some kids drinking, so I walked over to stop them. One of them promptly spun around and punched me in the mouth. I had my ass handed to by a drunk 9th grader. FML

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By slim_breezy - 4/6/2016 07:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

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By whirlednews - 23/4/2012 02:01 - United States

Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML

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By Lilie - 17/12/2008 10:25 - France

Today, my sweetheart came round to drop off some underwear which I'd left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML

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By Oops - 10/6/2013 11:22 - United States

Today, my friend got dumped. I wanted to say, "You must be devastated", thinking, "That really sucks." I said, "You must really suck." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift way more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. I also realized that I jack off with my left hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 17:01

Peaky Bladders

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house, dying to pee during a thunderstorm. Ran to the bathroom, but it was occupied. A huge thunderclap scared me pretty bad. When the door finally opened, my girlfriend's mom walked out, laughing. I realized the thunder scared me into peeing my pants. FML

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By murphy - 2/2/2009 10:49 - United States

Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML

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By hooligyn123 - 4/9/2012 08:53 - United States

Today, I'm quite ill. My new step-mother believes that the genetic wheat allergy I got from my mother would have gone away since she's now married to my father instead. Looks like dad picked a winner. FML

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By Megannn - 1/5/2012 23:43 - United States

Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

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By Anon - 13/8/2009 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, when walking to my car I was mugged. Not only did they take my phone, wallet and watch, the extra few minutes taken in my journey meant that when I got to my car, I was given a parking ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 04:01 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Corporate hell

Today, I found out I didn't get the promotion I applied for. Then I was told I was the only one who applied for the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 16:59 - United States

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

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By Belt issues - 9/6/2016 12:21 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I took a train for 5 hours to a remote northern community. My belt broke as I was getting off the train. I went to the only store and bought a new belt. Taking it off to go to bed, the new belt broke. I have to go visit clients today with a shoestring holding up my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I was playing with my cat and holding her upside down. She started frantically meowing, but I still continued on playing with her. Seconds later, she got explosive diarrhea everywhere, including my hair, face, shirt, and mouth. FML

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By TheComedyAudio - 6/4/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2017 22:00

Today, I went to Sunday school for the first time. The priest assured us we could ask him anything, so I did. When class ended the priest pulled me and my mom aside and asked her to stop bringing me to Sunday school until "she learns not to question the bible and accept what she is told". FML

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By 123roomielover - 26/1/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2010 23:06 - United States

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

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By grosstoenail - 13/7/2016 05:04 - Canada - Courtice

Today, while I selling merch at a festival, a volunteer lost her toenail. Not only did she immediately show me, but she then took a picture and showed everyone coming up to my station. I lost sales because she wouldn't leave. FML

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By gracelynn980765 - 27/6/2019 12:30

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 17:21 - United States - Latrobe

Today, while refereeing a soccer game, I was accused of being racist, blind, and a fascist by spectators. The game was played by a group of third graders. FML

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By bringthemback - 29/3/2014 10:34 - United States - Columbia

Today, my boss decided to have the whole staff drug tested and fire everyone who failed. Out of an original staff of 14 people, only my boss, two coworkers and I remain. I now have four times my normal workload and am seriously thinking maybe I should've said "Yes" to drugs. FML

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Top comments

By sorainu | 18

#6328167 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Okay, but your dog loves you!

By Emma1562 | 35

#6328166 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Haha that stinks I'm sorry op, maybe play with him more it sounds like he only wanted to play with you without getting wet.

COMMENTS

By Emma1562 | 35

#6328166 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Haha that stinks I'm sorry op, maybe play with him more it sounds like he only wanted to play with you without getting wet.

mohamed_H | 21

#6328180 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:12

At least you know he gotchu if you drown lol

Jonkbaby | 19

#6329144 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 13:09

I take it you were swimming on your back..?

By sorainu | 18

#6328167 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Okay, but your dog loves you!

dacooliest | 16

#6328660 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 1:03

Well that's the nice way to think about it, but maybe he finally saw it as his chance to get rid of her! ._.

By iPixelCheese | 19

#6328173 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6328181 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:13

Did you read the FML? It was his dog, not a human friend. How would a dog know any better?

iPixelCheese | 19

#6328189 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:15

Holy cow I am an idiot! I will be in the corner if you need me

sunnyskys | 25

#6328835 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 5:39

girls best friend come on its not always a cat.

By emissy | 14

#6328182 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

Maybe he just wanted to play!

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6328183 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

Next Baywatch episode confirmed?

By CorruptedNuk3r | 11

#6328184 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

At least you have a dog that really cares about you

By LeavenSilva | 27

#6328185 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

Well at least you're ok!

By SauceySarah | 30

#6328190 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:16

That's really adorable. He loves you and tried his best!

By blcksocks | 19

#6328198 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:20

I can't tell like if you just went down on your lab or did a 69 ...

By CommentKing207 | 23

#6328222 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:31

I hope you're fine OP, but at least you know he's there for you at all times!