Animals: Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I...

By Angel - United States - Utica

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

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Animals

BO Central

Waiting for that special someone

This is fine

By UniverseHatesMe - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, my neighbor kindly set off a bed bug fogger rather than getting an exterminator, which we'd even offered to help him pay for. We have baseboard heating in our condo building. Guess where the parasites crawled to now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to potty train my 2-year-old, I sat her on the toilet and waited for several minutes. I finally gave up and lifted her off the toilet just in time for her to pee on my new shoes. FML

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By TheNotSoGoodDay - United States - Charlestown

Today, my brothers thought it would be funny to put me inside a huge luggage bag we got for a trip to Canada. It was all fun and games until they dragged me outside, kicked me down a few steps, and left me stuck in the bag, locked outside with the cat. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML

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By cam96

Today, I woke up early and rushed to work to get to our first weekly safety meeting. I was the only one that remembered. FML

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By jaxattax - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a fancy chocolate candy and I got angry at him for forgetting that I'm allergic to chocolate and threw the candy into the garbage disposal. Turns out, he had spent a ton of money getting a chocolatier to put an engagement ring inside the candy that I just destroyed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reno

Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while at work, I cringed as I noticed my caveman colleague frantically digging into his nose and then continuing the use of his computer. I work in IT support and will be rebuilding his computer and reinstalling all his applications in 30 minutes time. FML

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By Deadfish - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2021 13:59

The '80s called

Today, I received 3 phone calls and 3 long and rather monotonous messages on my answering machine. Literally monotonous. As in, repeating the same tone over and over. The caller was a fax machine. FML

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By jacie

Today, I tried on a pair of pants in a dressing room and they didn’t fit. However, my period came suddenly and left a massive bloodstain, so I had to buy them anyway. In case you’re wondering, the pants were white, the cashier was male and cute, and he definitely noticed. FML

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By stubble - Canada

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Richmond

Today, my future sister-in-law cancelled my invitation to her and my brother's wedding. Her reason was that I was incredibly rude to announce my pregnancy to my family at a time like this, because it took all the attention away from her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after three weeks of fighting with my husband, I found out that he really didn't create an account on a website for cheaters and charge the bill to his credit card. Our daughter did it as a prank, and only confessed because our fighting was stressing her out. FML

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By SlapAndTickle - United States

Today, my mother kept nagging at me because my 9-month-old daughter only calms down when I play her metal. She demands I use gospel, otherwise she will turn into a "devil-worshipping lunatic like her mother". FML

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By link - United States - Edmond

Today, I got my final exam back. I got a 50/100. I didn't know it had a back side. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was making my bed, which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

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By MIA

Today, on Maury…

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my violent geriatric patient was trying to escape the facility. When I intervened, she poked my belly then told me I was squishy and that I might explode. FML

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By AkaiKitsune

Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML

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By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stopped at a yellow light. The guy behind me did not. He had no insurance. FML

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By aninnocentonlooker - United States

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

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By toxic waste - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I unknowingly bought a house next to a former toxic waste dump. I found out by reading an article in the paper where residents are claiming that they are experiencing cancer and birth defects. FML

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By tariel

Today, I went to my favorite restaurant with my mother. The food took a little longer than usual to arrive and my mom threw a fit, complete with kicking and screaming, in the middle of the restaurant. My mom and I are both banned for life. FML

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By Michael D. - United States - Duluth

Today, while I was at work, my wife sent me a few pictures of her in a new lingerie, to "spice up" my day. She didn't realize that I have iCloud turned on so I can share files with my colleagues. My boss and a dozen other employees received the same pictures. FML

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By hyper12332 - Australia

Today, I was playing one on one soccer with a girl like. I accidentally kicked the ball right into her face. The ball rolled back towards me and as I was running to see if she was ok, I kicked the ball... right into her face again. FML

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By Nasty - United States

Today, after using the bar of soap in the shower to wash my face, I looked down and noticed it was covered in my husband's pubes. FML

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By Heethersays - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

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By scott - 10/6/2020 20:08

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH!

Today, my daughter had an anxiety attack. Why? Because I told her she needs to be making her bed every day. FML

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By facepalming all the way - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

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By NestHead - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

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By Thescarlettfox

Monster in my bathroom

Today, I saw a big, black spider on the floor of my bathroom. I promptly jumped up on the toilet seat, slipped off, and slammed my head against the wall. The best part? It was a tuft of my hair. FML

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By NotAsGoodAsATruck - United States - Ludington

Today, after my boyfriend had been away for months, I invited him over to have sex. He said he hurt his back too badly to do anything. Don't worry though, it doesn't hurt enough to stop him from working on his truck for several hours. FML

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By Fack. - United States

Today, I told my long-distance girlfriend that I just could not handle the distance and we should just be friends. To which she responded, "What? You thought we were going out? Lol". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it has been a year and a half since my boyfriend discovered online poker. Annoyed to see him spending every evening playing on his laptop, I threatened him: “Now honey, you have to choose. It’s your poker or me!” Answer: “You are bluffing!” FML

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By obsceene - United States

Today, it was wacky tacky day at my school. I did not participate, however, I did get voted the tackiest outfit in my school. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date at a local restaurant. When my date walked in, she took one look at me, said "nope", and walked out. FML

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By kkkk

Thanks, I hate it

Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML

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Top comments

By sorainu | 18

#6328167 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Okay, but your dog loves you!

By Emma1562 | 35

#6328166 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Haha that stinks I'm sorry op, maybe play with him more it sounds like he only wanted to play with you without getting wet.

COMMENTS

By Emma1562 | 35

#6328166 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Haha that stinks I'm sorry op, maybe play with him more it sounds like he only wanted to play with you without getting wet.

mohamed_H | 21

#6328180 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:12

At least you know he gotchu if you drown lol

Jonkbaby | 20

#6329144 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 13:09

I take it you were swimming on your back..?

By sorainu | 18

#6328167 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Okay, but your dog loves you!

dacooliest | 16

#6328660 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 1:03

Well that's the nice way to think about it, but maybe he finally saw it as his chance to get rid of her! ._.

By iPixelCheese | 19

#6328173 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6328181 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:13

Did you read the FML? It was his dog, not a human friend. How would a dog know any better?

iPixelCheese | 19

#6328189 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:15

Holy cow I am an idiot! I will be in the corner if you need me

sunnyskys | 25

#6328835 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 5:39

girls best friend come on its not always a cat.

By emissy | 14

#6328182 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

Maybe he just wanted to play!

By Sandsh8rk | 36

#6328183 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

Next Baywatch episode confirmed?

By CorruptedNuk3r | 11

#6328184 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

At least you have a dog that really cares about you

By LeavenSilva | 27

#6328185 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

Well at least you're ok!

By SauceySarah | 30

#6328190 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:16

That's really adorable. He loves you and tried his best!

By blcksocks | 19

#6328198 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:20

I can't tell like if you just went down on your lab or did a 69 ...

By CommentKing207 | 23

#6328222 - Monday 22 June 2015 18:31

I hope you're fine OP, but at least you know he's there for you at all times!