Animals: Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I...

By Angel - 22/06/2015 02:16 - United States - Utica

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 087

You deserved it 2 141

Animals

Hiding from the drama

Our house, in the middle of our street

Sorry…

By Opplyst11 - 18/03/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 124

You deserved it 30 423

By effiestonem154 - 02/04/2013 21:14 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 262

You deserved it 2 844

By nl4 - 01/11/2013 23:55 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my family got together for a big game of paintball. My grandpa wanted to play too, but I told him he was a bit too old for such a rough sport. He joined anyway, and spent the whole 2 hours hunting my dumb ass down. I'm now in constant pain after being riddled with paintballs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 872

You deserved it 56 121

By diamondsareforever - 18/07/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. On our way to the Space Needle I was pulled over and promptly arrested. Apparently, I had recently purchased a car from a man who had robbed a jewelery store. The ring is now evidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 280

You deserved it 3 350

Time is money

By asdfasdf - 24/01/2009 15:14 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 073

You deserved it 5 921

By wrecked - 09/06/2014 21:03 - United States

Today, I ran into my girlfriend by chance while out shopping. She looked different than usual. Maybe it was the wedding ring she was wearing, or how she had her arm around another gentleman, gee, I don't know. That's two years of my life wasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 242

You deserved it 5 608

By Anonymous - 29/05/2016 15:15 - Denmark

Today, I decided to make the switch from pads to tampons. My boyfriend ended up having to show me how to apply them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 202

You deserved it 3 579

By Cat vs. Dog - 28/04/2014 21:03 - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 121

You deserved it 5 035

By badbowel - 31/01/2018 13:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I was sick from both ends at work. My boss wouldn't let me go home, and told me to borrow a pair of spare pants to change into. I suffered another bout of gastroenteritis and shit someone else's pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 768

You deserved it 287

Bad start

By Kathryn - 28/10/2021 07:59 - United States

Today, I was getting ready for school and stepped out on my porch to go wait for the bus. I literally said out loud, “Today is gonna be a good day.” I took one step and fell all the way down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 127

Get ready to rumble!

By Leyla - 14/07/2012 07:09 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. We were under the covers, and my little brother thought we were wrestling, so he got on top of the covers and started "wrestling" with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 291

You deserved it 34 246

By pimpdaddyX - 22/09/2012 16:22 - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, trying to be smooth, I slipped the girl I like a piece of paper with my phone number written on it. A while later, she slipped it back to me and left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 147

You deserved it 19 881

By Anonymous - 22/04/2015 14:24 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 135

You deserved it 3 680

By Keaton - 15/06/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 345

You deserved it 44 884

Terminology

By yummy - 30/05/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 519

You deserved it 84 033

By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 06:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 751

You deserved it 1 683

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 816

You deserved it 5 879

By tb351 - 28/05/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 399

You deserved it 8 437

By Anonymous - 09/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 897

You deserved it 5 164

By cheated - 23/11/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 260

You deserved it 3 062

By ajnmegs - 19/04/2012 16:08 - United States - Aurora

Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching "My Little Pony" even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 088

You deserved it 5 860

By Ouch - 22/05/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, as I was closing my car door, I realized I had left the keys in the ignition. Not wanting to lock myself out, I reached to stop the door from closing. Not only did I scream when the door slammed on my hand, but in my furious pain, I leaned on the door, locking my keys inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 365

You deserved it 13 221

By DomesticPatrol - 07/01/2017 02:07 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I just patrolled my entire house with a fucking hammer and flashlight because my cat stepped on a fucking creaky floorboard. It's 2 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 600

You deserved it 1 746

By DrewK - 14/05/2013 20:09 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I went into the men's restroom and started peeing in a urinal next to a middle-age man. As he zipped up and walked away, he said to me, "Don't worry, it'll grow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 769

You deserved it 4 512

By RetailRage - 10/08/2015 12:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 911

You deserved it 1 847

By Musicfan - 12/08/2011 02:30 - United States

Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 628

You deserved it 4 424

By Lord Buttfuck IV - 29/08/2015 14:06 - France

Today, my mum took away my laptop and my phone and won't let me call, text, or go out with friends for one month. Why? I left the toilet seat up. I'm writing this from a public library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 695

You deserved it 3 740

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 04:31 - United States

Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 955

You deserved it 4 452

The ole paper cut excuse

By alliwantisabandaid - 11/02/2011 08:27

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 167

You deserved it 3 964

By Anonymous - 24/02/2016 16:39 - France - Issy-les-moulineaux

Today, I had a heart attack. In the hospital the doctor compared my heart to that of a stressed out 60 year-old's. I'm 17 and I don't even have a job yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 122

You deserved it 1 922

Caught in 4K

By Nothing Special - 23/12/2015 06:54 - United States - Hixson

Today, it's been a week since I flew down to stay with my long-distance boyfriend. We went on long walks on the shore, under the stars, and had an unforgettable picnic viewing the sunset. I just now received a message of screenshots displaying him attempting to hook up with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 825

You deserved it 1 787

By Pee.H.D - 02/05/2016 17:24 - United States - Fontana

Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 776

You deserved it 7 199

By tryingtobepretty101 - 02/09/2011 16:58 - United States

Today, my report card finally came in. My mom took one look at it and told me that if I'm not going to take my grades seriously, I might as well start looking for a sugar daddy. But first, I apparently need to work on prettying myself up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 116

You deserved it 8 786

By crushed dreams - 16/06/2011 06:20 - United States

Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 479

You deserved it 243 421

By seriously? - 27/05/2014 22:23 - United States - Manassas

Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 287

You deserved it 7 719

Negotiations

By Anonymous - 22/09/2020 17:01

Today, I had to tell my 28-year-old roommate she needs to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She then said she’d try, as long as I try to put my dishes in the dishwasher. Those aren’t even on the same level. FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 839

By Eponine13 - 05/06/2019 22:00

Today, I thought it would be fun to climb a tree. My older sister also thought it would be fun to set the tree on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 870

You deserved it 164

By jessel_ladd92 - 09/09/2013 06:42 - United States

Today, after growing my hair out for over a year and constantly being told that it makes me look like a girl, I finally cut it. The first thing my friends said when they saw me was that I now look like a "lesbian." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 569

You deserved it 5 820

By Anonymous - 13/03/2010 09:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, when I needed the loo. The door was ajar, so I walked into his bathroom, sat down, and started to pee. I then looked up to see the shocked face of his dad sitting naked in the bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 656

You deserved it 10 039

By notabeliever - 29/07/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my wife threw a piece of tofu cake at my head for suggesting that the money she'd spent on magic "healing" crystals and homeopathic "remedies" would've just as well been spent on a chocolate teapot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 688

You deserved it 7 191

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Top comments

sorainu 18

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Okay, but your dog loves you!

Emma1562 35

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Haha that stinks I'm sorry op, maybe play with him more it sounds like he only wanted to play with you without getting wet.

Emma1562 35

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Haha that stinks I'm sorry op, maybe play with him more it sounds like he only wanted to play with you without getting wet.

mohamed_H 21

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:12

At least you know he gotchu if you drown lol

Jonkbaby 21

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Tuesday 23 June 2015 13:09

I take it you were swimming on your back..?

sorainu 18

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:09

Okay, but your dog loves you!

dacooliest 16

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Tuesday 23 June 2015 1:03

Well that's the nice way to think about it, but maybe he finally saw it as his chance to get rid of her! ._.

iPixelCheese 19

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Sandsh8rk 36

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:13

Did you read the FML? It was his dog, not a human friend. How would a dog know any better?

iPixelCheese 19

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:15

Holy cow I am an idiot! I will be in the corner if you need me

sunnyskys 25

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Tuesday 23 June 2015 5:39

girls best friend come on its not always a cat.

emissy 14

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

Maybe he just wanted to play!

Sandsh8rk 36

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

Next Baywatch episode confirmed?

CorruptedNuk3r 11

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

At least you have a dog that really cares about you

LeavenSilva 27

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:14

Well at least you're ok!

SauceySarah 30

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:16

That's really adorable. He loves you and tried his best!

blcksocks 19

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:20

I can't tell like if you just went down on your lab or did a 69 ...

CommentKing207 23

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Monday 22 June 2015 18:31

I hope you're fine OP, but at least you know he's there for you at all times!

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 42

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 750

You deserved it 146

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 985

Time is money

Bad start

Get ready to rumble!

Terminology

The ole paper cut excuse

Caught in 4K

Negotiations

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