Miscellaneous: Today, while studying in India, I was peacefully journaling,...

By Anonymous - India

Today, while studying in India, I was peacefully journaling, reflecting and enjoying the beautiful landscape. And then a monkey threw its poo at me. FML

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Miscellaneous

The smell detective is on the case

Spooky

They're everywhere

By Master Debater - Australia

Today, my grandmother walked in on me watching porn on my computer. She looked at the woman on the screen and said, "I used to have tits like that, but look what having 7 kids did to them." Now I'm scarred for life. FML

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By inthedark - Canada

Today, I found out why my five-year-old has been throwing tantrums while shopping. It turns out my ex-husband has been paying her three dollars for every public tantrum she throws. FML

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By empress gleskizor the third of glarkon - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I was eating an onion bagel and bit down on something hard. At first I thought was a really hard piece of onion. The "onion" turned out to be a tooth, and it wasn't one of mine. FML

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23447

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By Anaconda

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "just meat and cheese". When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

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5364

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By PiZzA_FaCe - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

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52214

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By Closingwild - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my sister, but they already knew each other from my sister's work. She's an exotic dancer. FML

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28389

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By rolled

Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML

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4167

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477

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By Taylor - United States - Dubuque

Today, my boyfriend drove 20 miles to come see me. The closest we got to intimacy was him showing me how he could unlock his iPhone 5s with his penis. FML

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By ugh - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML

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21707

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML

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34277

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By oh. - United States

Proof of love

Today, I flew cross-country to see my girlfriend of three years. Once I got there, she broke up with me. I was supposed to be staying for a month and now I have nowhere to go. FML

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2391

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By halliemarie1818 - United States

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

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88355

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 16:58 - United States - Mechanicsburg

Contact tracing

Today, I woke up to a text from my girlfriend telling me to call when I wake up. Turns out she had one of her friends over who tested positive for Covid and I was just at her house, so now I’m forced to quarantine. FML

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847

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By aireun - United States

Today, my laptop plug got stuck in the wall outlet. I stood there for 10 minutes violently trying to yank it out. My boss came in and screamed at me for making noise. I was angry, so I glared at him and yanked on the plug as hard as I could. It dislodged itself noiselessly and I fell over. FML

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12223

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

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26945

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By Aaron - United States

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

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51935

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By Anonymous

Chewbacca goes surfing

Today, my wax appointment cancelled on me, we’re supposed to be going to Hawaii in the morning and now I can’t wear a bikini because my stomach and back are hairier than my husband's. FML

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1389

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By "jojolovesyou134" - Australia

Today, I decided to stand up to my bosses for making me lose money and work with heat stroke... while my co worker got to go home early I had to work 2 hours later. Turns out I got a supervisor in trouble for making me work when there was help allocated. Now I have to walk on eggshells, FML

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2077

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215

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By foreveralone - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I got friendzoned by three different women. Each girl suggested I should ask out one of the other two women who also friendzoned me. FML

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36214

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By bananapie69 - 10/4/2020 20:00

Social distancing gone wrong

Today, waiting in the deli line at the store, a woman stood directly next to me. I panicked and tried to move back to get a 6-foot distance, but in my panic I didn’t realize there was a stand behind me. I almost fell over, so I gasped super loud. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. FML

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1364

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By Hailey

Today, I had to awkwardly explain in a conference with HR, management, and my coworkers that the occasional bruises, cuts, welts, and choke marks are from consensual BDSM sex and NOT domestic violence. FML

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5434

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my grandpa died. As I rushed home crying to comfort my parents, I got pulled over for speeding. The officer told me to cut out the "fake" tears". When I told him my grandpa just died he tacked on another $100 for lying to an officer. Worst. Christmas. Ever. FML

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49219

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By - France

Today, I marked 600 emails in my gmail inbox as spam and it will take me hours to go through and unmark them. FML

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7061

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By jpmetz - United States

Today, my credit card got blocked. Apparently, my bank thinks buying a $130 flat iron online is suspicious. FML

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28706

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By Anonymous - United States - Montpelier

Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML

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22109

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By terrible kenny - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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11129

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By Meghan - 5/9/2020 08:01 - United States - New York

Breaking

Today, my mom told me that she had great news: we were going to meet my biological parents. I didn't know I was adopted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad let me borrow his phone while I wait for mine to get back from the shop. I guess he forgot to pass the news along, because within 4 hours I'd received a picture of my mom's tits. FML

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25620

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By Noname - United States

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

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47460

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By not gay in AL - United States

Today, my dad seemed moody, so to lift his spirits, I told him I loved him. He just snorted, "You gay or something, boy?" Really mature, dad, really mature. FML

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By MIG2204 - Denmark - Copenhagen

So, here's the thing…

Today, my school told us that we all need to be checked and treated for threadworms. So now I need to go tell my girlfriend that she needs to be checked and treated for threadworms. We have been dating for little over a week. FML

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1941

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By Jenny - 5/4/2020 23:00

Three is a magic number

Today, my 15-year-old daughter told me that she's pregnant. To make matters worse, she doesn't know who the father is. She told me not to worry though, because she has it narrowed down to "like, only 3 guys." FML

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2139

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when I got my driver's permit, I agreed to be the designated driver for my family. FML

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27279

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By AZN656 - Australia

Today, I found out my brother blew chunks into the inside of my jeans. How did I find this out? I put them on. FML

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27880

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By morethanredhands

Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on my thighs. I didn't stop to think that people outside would think I was masturbating. FML

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26635

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By Going to work naked tomorrow - United Kingdom - Northallerton

Today I remembered to put my work uniform in the wash; as I hit start I got an email notification. My landlord confirmed that the engineer will be out to fix the washing machine tomorrow after my housemate reported it as broken. My clothes are locked in the machine that now won't turn on. FML

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2129

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200

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By Yohm - France

Today, I’m starting my 28th year with 28 cents on my bank account. FML

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48442

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 05:01

Near the knuckle

Today, as a waitress I served someone who was hoping their food would come back faster than expected. I replied, “Fingers crossed!” just for the person to show me they had no hands. FML

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801

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By Anonymous - United States - Mattawa

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By Anonymous - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my nineteen year old daughter handed me a book on raising children and said "Maybe you'll do better next time." FML

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Top comments

By MasterHurricane | 0

#757015 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:03

next time, dont take shit from anyone.

By blazingman311 | 1

#757013 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:02

I hope you threw your poo back?

COMMENTS

By blazingman311 | 1

#757013 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:02

I hope you threw your poo back?

PirateMan | 0

#757339 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 0:23

POOOOOOO FIGHT!

thetallone | 0

#762161 - Friday 8 January 2010 15:07

If you have any poo...fling it now!

ryguy1997 | 0

#971702 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 6:10

SUPER MONKEY POOP FIGHT! (Thats actualy an online game)

iLoveTeraaa | 0

#984492 - Sunday 25 April 2010 5:56

fakeeeeee omfgggg

coolboy6 | 0

#1266899 - Thursday 19 August 2010 6:16

no it could be tru monkeys are good at poo flinging:)

Youser | 0

#1427076 - Sunday 19 September 2010 15:59

I agree with 84 I'm calling this faaaaaakkkkeee

By MasterHurricane | 0

#757015 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:03

next time, dont take shit from anyone.

polico_wolf | 0

#757026 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:06

win

dknight_fml | 0

#758214 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 11:43

win (x2)

kpo216 | 0

#832575 - Sunday 7 February 2010 7:55

and this is also bullshit

himoonkey | 8

#1422877 - Saturday 18 September 2010 15:49

lololol pun I think I'm retarted

ViviChenny | 19

#6638181 - Tuesday 28 June 2016 7:38

Unless it's from a monkey.

By CallMeHush | 0

#757032 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:09

I think he likes you.

By razorp | 0

#757034 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:09

in a situation like that you absolutly have to throw shit back, otherwise you are the monkeys bitch

By allen20 | 0

#757043 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:13

Lmao i saw a monkey throwing poo at peiple at a zoo! haha xD

dudeitsdanny | 9

#757057 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:19

I saw a monkey picking at its butt, and then sniffing his finger... Right before he stuck it in its mouth.
LA Zoo chimps sure are something.

quinnteh | 0

#757665 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 3:27

I saw an orang utan jacking off while gazing at one of my female friends in Adelaide Zoo.

emadee | 0

#758047 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 8:34

hahah at the la zoo i saw a chimp shit in his hand then eat it, they absolutely sure are something

hahaohwell | 0

#765469 - Sunday 10 January 2010 5:46

at the zoo i saw a monkey suck his on cock

By pussymonsterr | 0

#757048 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:17

hahaha ownage

By ragsy | 7

#757069 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:25

Now that you are covered in shit, you smell like everything else in India.

Towelie_31 | 0

#757099 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:46

lol its funny cause its true

Sungazing | 0

#757277 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 23:57

hey India is not all stinky, its just the space we give to stinky foreigners that stinks...just to give a silent message you see :p

DeathStar_fml | 0

#757288 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 0:01

just like your mom

riplikethat | 0

#757866 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 5:59

What is interesting is that this ragpicker guy managed to smell every Indian to post his fact and then this towel came in to wipe his ass and confirm the fact.

beyoh | 0

#757911 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 6:32

Have you ever even BEEN to India? Coz I have and it's not skanky or dirty.

shek1608 | 11

#758170 - Wednesday 6 January 2010 10:40

Ragsy, u are so god damn ignorant : You should know better than to post derogatory comments about a particular race,country,ethnicity or whatsoever. Get your facts right.

toaster468 | 0

#976679 - Friday 9 April 2010 4:53

stfu indians smell bad, get over it.

onlyoncamera | 0

#4730155 - Wednesday 25 July 2012 8:51

81, so ignorant, so stereotypical, like we havent heard that one before. It's 2012, times have changed, I think it's time for you to leave your racism in the past.

By hellokimmiee | 5

#757074 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:28

Hahahahahahaha "SHIT HAPPENS"

By ColdGold | 6

#757087 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:36

You were supposed to add it to your journal. Press it between the pages like a rose.

By YayAmerica | 0

#757091 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 20:37

Monkeys are pretty much known for that. There's no way you didn't realize it was a risk if you've been studying there for very long. Still sucks, though.