Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend and she was grabbing...

By justinherass - 28/3/2009 05:43 - Canada

Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend and she was grabbing the fat on my stomach I said to her "stop touching my fat". She replied "so don't touch you at all?" FML

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Love

Proactive

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Deep-seated resentment

By Anonymous - 3/7/2014 00:59

Today, I opened my window due to the good weather. I was lucky enough to listen to the sounds of someone violently throwing up for over an hour. The window got stuck open. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 07:24 - United States

Today, I got a call from work stating that my employment was being terminated. This was after being suspended while they investigated my sexual harassment claim. Their reason for firing me: misuse of company time. Yes, I suppose reporting being sexually harassed is a huge waste of time. FML

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By Tyler - 19/11/2011 07:58 - United States

Today, at my job as a cocktail server in a bar, a group of good looking ladies sat in my section. As I was finishing up with the table next to them I overheard one of them saying, "I hope we don't get that guy, I want a sexy waiter tonight." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2014 00:53 - United States - Piedmont

Today, I joined my friends out birthday clubbing. After I'd gotten a little drunk, a few guys asked for my number. I rattled off random numbers, until I accidentally said my mother's. Guess who woke up to a text at 2:17 in the morning, containing a picture of a penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2016 05:38 - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing and cut through the headphone wire. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2010 21:40 - United States

Today, I was upset that my boyfriend hasn't called in a while. Turns out, my step-mother blocked his number so he can't call. She never told me and, instead, just let me think he hated me. FML

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By Stella Grubner - 16/3/2010 06:42

Today, I chose a cute tank top and some shorts to wear. Later, I was shopping at Target with my dad when he pointed to a girl in the same isle and said to me, "Don't ever dress like that. It looks cute on her, but you couldn't pull it off." She was wearing shorts and a tank top. FML

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By Clauric - 3/5/2016 15:15

Today, I found out my 35 year-old brother got divorced 18 months ago when my now ex-sister-in-law told me via Facebook messenger, and asked me to tell my parents, as both of them were too scared to do it themselves. FML

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By anonymous - 1/10/2016 09:00 - Australia - Tennyson

Today, I was with my boyfriend. He got up, shut the blinds and turned around to say, "I don't usually shut the blinds, but no one can see this." Assuming we were going to have sex, I took my pants off. He asked me what I was doing, then sat down to eat an entire tub of ice cream. FML

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By sandra - 20/9/2010 06:13 - United States

Today, I was working with some shelter puppies transporting them to the vet's. I got all of the puppies in but one, and when I went to pull him out, I realized he had gotten car sick. Before I could stop it happening, he wagged his vomit-covered tail and hit me in the face. FML

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By itwasathtebottomofmycoffeemug - 14/5/2014 20:58 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I found out my son has a new hobby after seeing a picture on the internet: putting realistic-looking stickers of spiders at the bottom of my coffee mugs. My wife was scared half to death this morning after downing a cup of coffee and then glancing the cup's bottom. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, one of my friends pointed out I'm starting to get a mustache! - "You're finally a man!" To bad it's my 15th birthday, and I'm a girl. FML

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By LTJFP - 26/10/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at ATandT getting my phone fixed. At one point, the salesman said 'you should see this'. It was a text message from some girl apologizing for sleeping with my boyfriend for the past four months, and telling me that they were moving him out of our apartment. FML

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By iliku - 1/6/2019 02:00

Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML

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By whyyjustwhy - 9/8/2013 17:23 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, I copied some files to my phone while borrowing my grandfather's laptop. As I selectively deleted the files from the recycle bin, I noticed some pictures, and ended up seeing way more than I wanted to of his erect penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 10:47 - United States

Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

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By GoldenTornado11 - 10/5/2017 14:00

Today, I walked in on my parents having sex. In my room. FML

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By zed - 9/9/2012 17:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML

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By wheatsnake - 8/10/2009 13:31 - Australia

Today, I took my new laptop into my house from my car, thinking it would be a too much of a target for kids grabbing it. I came home tonight to find my door kicked in, my laptop gone and my TV ripped from the wall. FML

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By unknown - 17/12/2012 11:37 - Canada

Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML

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By Misky - 2/7/2012 02:51

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I was working the lighting for a drama production. In the last scene, two characters realize they are in love and kiss, then the stage goes dark. I mixed up my settings, and instead of a blackout, flashing party lights started going off. 300 people turn around to stare at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2019 02:00

Office life sucks

Today, I was supposed to start a new job. I had accepted a new position with a different company three weeks ago, and gave my notice. At the time, I even trained my replacement. Today, I found out that my new work doesn't need me anymore. So, I'm unemployed. FML

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By rock'n roller - 3/12/2013 03:42

Today, my bandmate and I decided to propose to our girlfriends, who are also in the band, at the same time in the middle of a concert. His girlfriend said yes. Mine ran off the stage crying. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 08:03

Unloved

Today, my dad lied and said he was busy working, all because he didn't want to see me. FML

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By keerta_fml - 4/5/2017 02:00

Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2010 07:08 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got so drunk that he was sick in the taxi, sick on me, then sick on himself when he was sitting on the toilet. What's more, I can't get into bed because he's been sick all over my half of the bed. So I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. He's been calling his penis "fun-sized" for a while now, but I didn't know he meant it really was the size of a fun-size candy bar. I'm pretty sure I'm still technically a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2013 18:06 - United States - Olympia

Sorry

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with another man. Her main reaction was to get mad at me for not knocking. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML

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By upset room mate - 18/8/2011 06:59 - United States

Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 06:02

It's the new thing!

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

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By nekkiddrunk - 14/1/2010 02:04 - United States

Today, I locked myself, drunk and naked, out of my hotel room. FML

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By drivingmecrazy - 13/12/2016 16:54 - United States - Stamford

Today, my mom once again yelled at me for "driving erratically". She texts while driving 70 miles per hour on the highway, but apparently driving through a yellow light is "reckless". FML

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By tessamarque - 5/4/2012 15:07 - United States - Bartlesville

Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

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By jdch_99 - 29/8/2012 13:12 - United States

Today, the pharmacist warned me that my antibiotics might cause slight gastrointestinal distress. The fact that I have been on the john for the past 90 minutes drenched in sweat would lead me to believe our definitions of "slight" are a bit different. FML

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By Ohgodhelpme - 25/10/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my birthday. Sounds sweet, right? Then he invited my 10/14-year-old cousins to our house. They surprised me in my room. While I was using it. FML

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By ant_hater - 28/8/2011 18:18 - United States

Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2012 10:32 - United States - Levelland

Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML

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Top comments

By hpodity | 0

#64629 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:31

Stop bitching about your weight. This is not an FML, it's entirely your fault. Lay off the pies and go for a run.

By UrLifeDoesntSuck | 0

#64630 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:31

Every healthy person's body is covered in a layer of fat. She's technically correct. Maybe you should have been a bit nicer about it.

COMMENTS

By Beccabee | 0

#64628 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:31

hahahahahahaha she is just being playful...but that is kinda mean...lose weight if u really want her to stop

By hpodity | 0

#64629 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Mrmeatfold | 2

#3193270 - Sunday 28 August 2011 6:02

Amen

NeonShockz | 4

#6695462 - Monday 26 September 2016 12:51

hes not bitching about his weight, hes bitching about what his girlfriend said.

By UrLifeDoesntSuck | 0

#64630 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:31

Every healthy person's body is covered in a layer of fat. She's technically correct. Maybe you should have been a bit nicer about it.

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#64639 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:35

That happens when your width is bigger than your lenght. YDI

By fmylifeapp | 0

#64649 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:40

You just got owned! Im sorry :(

By BamxBitch | 0

#64655 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:44

Ha, I agree with #1.

By Jasper_fml | 0

#64663 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:48

ydi.
at least she likes you for your character.

By kinkysexx | 0

#64670 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:51

lol, i'd never date a fat guy

zeldagirl77 | 7

#5797130 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 21:02

Someone is really shallow.

mattrd_fml | 31

#5979449 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 9:49

I would never date someone who says they would never date a fat guy.

By TryToBeKind | 0

#64677 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:55

You told your girlfriend to stop doing osmething she wanted to do and she just put you in your place. Good for her.

By Nofuckyourlife | 1

#64681 - Saturday 28 March 2009 14:56

Your fault for being fat, fatty.