By backfat - 18/5/2018 01:44

Baby Got Back

Today, while in bed, my fiancé rolled over in the dark and complimented me on my nice buttocks. He had actually grabbed a roll of back fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3570

You deserved it

1034

Favorite

Intimacy

Instadrama

Boozehound alert

Incognito browsing

By cali - 24/11/2010 06:08 - United States

Today, I had just finished writing my rough draft essay, so I went to sit by the pond. A giant moth suddenly flew down and attacked me, causing me to drop my binder in the pond, ruining the essay. I discovered in the aftermath that the moth was actually a leaf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12831

You deserved it

33225

Favorite

By WTA - 20/2/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10615

You deserved it

34712

Favorite

By SDCore - 12/2/2015 00:40 - United States - Glenview

Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20797

You deserved it

39720

Favorite

By John Brown - 24/7/2018 15:00

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3597

You deserved it

160

Favorite

By Jenn P - 22/4/2012 03:15 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9924

You deserved it

70432

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 16:22 - United States - Union

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47253

You deserved it

8062

Favorite

By rugs - 6/8/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45506

You deserved it

5783

Favorite

By angrymother - 27/7/2016 01:21

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20593

You deserved it

1673

Favorite

By xmelissadavisx - 28/11/2015 12:21

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train looked like he was about to be sick. I quickly handed him the nearest bag I could find, a bag full of my lunch for that day. Safe to say he held nothing back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21472

You deserved it

3524

Favorite

By Undefined - 1/1/2009 12:09 - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. I look him straight in the eye and ask him: "What's the first thing you think about when you look at me?". His answer: "Can I finish my steak?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

23242

You deserved it

8462

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 22:00

Today, I found my boyfriend browsing tablet PCs on the internet. He actually had a tablet until a while ago, but he hardly ever used it. He still has two smartphones, a desktop PC and a laptop he never uses. But yeah, sure, he needs a tablet. Because, "they're cheap." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1287

You deserved it

244

Favorite

By sciencetime - 10/12/2016 11:33

Today, I had environmental science class. My teacher doesn't believe humans are affecting climate change or that we should protect endangered species. He slants class discussions so now all my classmates agree with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9071

You deserved it

1091

Favorite

By 94lbs of muscle - 2/10/2013 18:37

Today, my teacher was talking about anorexia and bulimia. Midway through the lesson, she stopped and knowingly asked if I wanted to share my experiences with the class. I don't have an eating disorder, just a screwed-up metabolism. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56279

You deserved it

3347

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/12/2014 08:13 - United States - Seaside

Today, at work, I gave a piece of candy to a co-worker I have a crush on. She looked at me weirdly and walked away. I then remembered that my friend wrote "penis" on the wrapper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34952

You deserved it

8621

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 08:31 - Canada

Today, at an Aunt's wake, my five year old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32862

You deserved it

3501

Favorite

By atleasthelistened - 9/3/2016 08:04 - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered my boyfriend listens way better in his sleep than he does when he's awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18459

You deserved it

2420

Favorite

By lonelyharts86 - 13/6/2012 14:50 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had an interview for my dream job. I was offered coffee and a donut. It was going well until I took a bite of the donut and started choking on it. I coughed so hard I ended up vomiting into his garbage can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28701

You deserved it

3744

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/7/2020 17:01

Mom knows shit

Today, my mother-in-law decided my husband has COVID-19, read some debunked articles about how ibuprofen makes the symptoms worse, and scolded me for giving him ibuprofen for his muscle pain. I'm an actual medical doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1658

You deserved it

100

Favorite

By CatofSteel - 5/3/2017 22:00

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4801

You deserved it

550

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/2/2017 01:00 - Australia - Stretton

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6447

You deserved it

732

Favorite

By teacher - 31/8/2010 14:50 - United States

Today, I heard two of my students having a conversation. One asked what state Arizona was in, and the other replied Canada. I teach sixth grade social studies and they weren't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37745

You deserved it

8363

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 14:38 - United States

Today, I found out a guy I work with has an eye twitch. I thought he was just a winker. I have been winking back all week. He either thinks I'm an asshole or am trying to seduce him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14376

You deserved it

23429

Favorite

By gerontofuck - 15/4/2014 21:55 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I realized that the only female who shows any sexual interest in me at all is my 70-year-old neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44739

You deserved it

4621

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/8/2015 22:46 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30299

You deserved it

2051

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 05:34 - Canada

Today, I searched for free parking near my work for 30 minutes, trying to avoid paying $12 at a pay lot. I scored a spot, but 1 mile away from the office. I trekked through rain, cold, and got to work late. It was a long hard day, crawled back to my car, and had a $30 ticket on my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12317

You deserved it

39183

Favorite

By Idle_Twin - 17/5/2015 17:53 - United States - Miami

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14899

You deserved it

33191

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 02:04 - United States - Yorktown

Today, I was home alone when I heard the carbon-monoxide detector beeping. Panicking, I grabbed my dog, ran out of my house as fast as I could, and waited outside for 3 hours for my mom to get home. Turned out the detector was just out of batteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30342

You deserved it

7617

Favorite

By gullible - 12/4/2014 16:01 - United States

Today, I found out that the April Fool's Day prank my girlfriend and best friend played on me was not a joke, and that they actually did sleep together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51730

You deserved it

3904

Favorite

By IndieRox - 28/11/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44337

You deserved it

3268

Favorite

By anon - 22/2/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, I got fired from a great baby sitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40498

You deserved it

16239

Favorite

By mustachioed - 29/9/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I tried to bleach my upper lip hair. I now have a bright red mustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18013

You deserved it

18730

Favorite

By seadrick - 6/6/2015 16:19 - Canada - Granville Ferry

Today, I learned that not only do wood ticks have a habit of dropping off of branches onto you as you walk under them, they also like to hang out in groups of five or six. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26687

You deserved it

2112

Favorite

By ElephantLover - 11/12/2013 20:14 - United States - San Diego

Today, my grandma added to my elephant collection by giving me some underwear with elephant ears on the hips, and a long, sock-like nose. She has no idea they're meant for a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55683

You deserved it

5341

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 04:24 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I worked up the courage to give a guy my number. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, tore it in half and gave it to him. Later, I noticed I'd given him the wrong, blank half. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23482

You deserved it

11864

Favorite

By shadowmuppet - 31/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned the joy of getting a brand new leather jacket and then watching my date drunkenly throw up all over my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4563

You deserved it

542

Favorite

By thedullard - 16/2/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17392

You deserved it

31131

Favorite

By still single - 6/8/2015 01:22 - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, it was still easier for me to get an engineering PhD than it is to get a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24571

You deserved it

2996

Favorite

By Alex Knight - 7/11/2017 19:00

The cake was not a lie.

Today, I bought a cake. I then immediately forgot what I was carrying, opened the door to my car, and tossed the bag into the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1829

You deserved it

4006

Favorite

By perpetuallyscrewed - 6/10/2009 04:06

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38760

You deserved it

2161

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/5/2016 14:56 - France - Brunoy

Today, I accidentally left my bedroom light on all day. When I got home, my mum screamed at me for wasting electricity. This is the same woman who leaves the TV on all day while she’s at work, all so our dogs have something to watch and won't be “bored”. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14816

You deserved it

1367

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By joeyl1990 | 28

#7635925 - Friday 18 May 2018 2:30

If he ever asks for anal offer him back fat. probably wont hurt as much.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7635929 - Friday 18 May 2018 2:58

I have a sudden craving for Chili’s.

COMMENTS

By mattyiscool123 | 26

#7635923 - Friday 18 May 2018 2:21

He doesn’t have to know that

By joeyl1990 | 28

#7635925 - Friday 18 May 2018 2:30

If he ever asks for anal offer him back fat. probably wont hurt as much.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7635929 - Friday 18 May 2018 2:58

I have a sudden craving for Chili’s.

By pjsr | 32

#7635930 - Friday 18 May 2018 3:01

I like big backs and I cannot lie

By RichardPencil | 28

#7635937 - Friday 18 May 2018 4:25

Hey, he likes grabbing your flesh. Let’s not be so technical about anatomy.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7636073 - Friday 18 May 2018 12:25

Whatever gets him off. With back fat buttocks you can possibly go to sleep while he does his thing.

By Davros | 12

#7636164 - Friday 18 May 2018 16:17

damn, your a quadruple threat!

By Wintermelons | 19

#7636256 - Friday 18 May 2018 20:24

Oh you don’t need to hide it, we all know he said “Nice ass”