Love: Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to...

By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 18:09 - United States - Victorville

Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 111

You deserved it 44 498

Love

Batman

Dementia or hate? You decide

I'm not that old!

By orangechicken - 16/04/2012 22:00 - United States - New Hudson

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 795

You deserved it 5 856

By Eternal Servitude - 02/05/2015 16:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 348

You deserved it 2 350

Stay Safe!

By middleagednurse - 18/03/2020 17:00

Today, the cruise that I was looking forward to for over a year was cancelled due to the coronavirus. Trying to salvage what was left of my vacation, I booked a hotel for a few days near a local beach. They just announced that the beach was closed and the hotel is refusing to refund my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 881

By Anonymous - 18/06/2011 15:43 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friend and two pretty girls. During the movie, he made out with both of them, while I sat there awkwardly and watched the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 120

You deserved it 5 871

By shit - 31/01/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I found my drunken roommate asleep in my bed, naked, after he'd peed himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 147

You deserved it 1 896

By Penguinsuit - 13/03/2018 01:30

Today, I threw my clothes in the laundry and had only penguin pajamas to wear. My mother forgot to mention that she was expecting a handyman. Guess who got greeted by an adult woman in a penguin suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 090

You deserved it 831

By Anonymous - 12/01/2017 17:09

Today, I got fired from my first-ever job. Via text. I hadn't even started the first day but I'm expected to drive an hour and a half to my now ex-boss's house to return the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 304

You deserved it 476

By OweLotsaMoney - 05/09/2013 15:49 - United States

Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 538

You deserved it 12 205

By Becca_Jo - 06/01/2016 04:19 - United States - Caledonia

Today, I found out that the only reason my "friend" comes over to my apartment is so that she can charge her phone using my electricity, because she's too cheap to use her own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 999

You deserved it 1 647

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 10:57 - Australia

Today, I was shaving my left armpit when I cut myself badly. I wondered whether or not it would be safe to shave my right armpit, then reasoned that it couldn’t possibly happen twice. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 166

You deserved it 27 892

By rozziepop - 30/03/2012 05:37 - United States - Visalia

Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 387

You deserved it 3 509

By lrgenesis - 04/02/2012 08:13 - United States

Today, my mom friended all my friends on Facebook then thought it'd be a good idea to try and act like a teen so she'd be considered 'cool'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 112

You deserved it 2 812

By mhmm... cumsquats - 09/02/2013 23:26 - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 807

You deserved it 60 426

By jessi - 02/12/2011 13:22 - United States

Today, I told my son he couldn't have a toy. He threw a fit, looked me in the eye, and screamed, "Daddy's right! You are a bitch!" The whole store was watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 063

You deserved it 6 643

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 13:17 - Australia

Today, I was playing with my dog, teasing her, to cheer myself up after being dumped by my girlfriend. My dog bit me hard and I had to go to hospital. The dog has to be put down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 697

You deserved it 10 945

By perfectlybrokenx - 24/08/2010 04:21 - Canada

Today, while I was on a date, I noticed my ex-boyfriend in the restaurant, and he looked sad. So I walked over to see him and jokingly said, "You look like your mom died or something!" She had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 760

You deserved it 52 064

Where am I?

By sam - 15/05/2021 00:01

Today, same as always, I still have to take a moment to distinguish between right and left. I’m 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 279

By jess - 15/02/2012 17:47 - United States

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 930

You deserved it 2 387

By hellostupid - 28/03/2013 08:19 - United States

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 903

You deserved it 4 794

By Anonymous - 28/12/2010 03:25 - United States

Today, I had to choose between living with my over protective dad who only uses me for free childcare, or my pot smoking mom who always needs to borrow money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 655

You deserved it 2 994

By Eheath12Jheath14 - 12/07/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend and I welcomed our first son into the world. After I gave birth, he said he was going home to make sure the house was ready for baby. A few hours later, he was tagged in a Facebook photo by a mutual friend at the local bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 231

You deserved it 471

By Pauper - 11/01/2010 07:20 - United States

Today, I talked myself out of buying $1 candle at the Dollar Tree. That's how broke I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 790

You deserved it 4 347

By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 10:03 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, the Salvation Army stationed one of their obnoxious bell-ringers in the mall right outside my store. My employees and I can wave goodbye to any form of sanity for the next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 794

You deserved it 5 141

Let me stay!

By Anonymous - 17/11/2021 23:00

Today, I quit my job, mainly because I didn't work enough hours and thus, earn enough money. In the past, they said there isn't any other paid work they could provide. They've now added different tasks, more money, and more hours to the position. I'm helping to find a replacement for a job I would otherwise apply to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 123

By CatLady - 24/08/2009 13:38 - Canada

Today, my cat head-butted me awake as usual. I reached to pet him, but it wasn't his face I touched. It was the still-twitching corpse of the disemboweled rat he held in his jaws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 486

You deserved it 4 143

Baywatch music starts

By Anonymous - 01/05/2019 12:00

Today, I nearly drowned. I was at a wave pool for the first time and stupidly swam out to the deep end. When the waves turned on, I discovered I can't swim in rough water. Despite my yelling, "Help!" and flailing around, the lifeguard paid me no attention. My friend had to save me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 978

You deserved it 524

By mydadforgetsme - 04/11/2015 17:26 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 617

You deserved it 1 450

By Anonymous - 24/02/2016 15:05

Today, I went to my stepdad's funeral. He was the most important person in my life, but it didn't stop my stepsister angrily saying, "Why are you crying? He wasn't even your real dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 067

You deserved it 1 263

By Anonymous - 15/10/2012 07:54 - South Africa

Today, my fiancé spent three hours arguing with his mom about how Scientology is a cult followed by simple-minded asshats; she shouted at him saying Xenu will come and fuck his shit up for not believing. This woman is going to be my children's grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 054

You deserved it 2 535

By DestinyJoy - 10/01/2017 13:47

Today, at Starbucks, I complimented the awkward nerdy barista's name tag because of the funny Sonic decorations on it. The dude took it as me flirting and gave me my drink with Sonic drawn on it. I had applied to work there and now I can't go back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 291

You deserved it 1 868

Not now, dude!

By sammy - 26/03/2020 04:59 - Australia

Today, I was working at the checkout. Trying to be hygienic, I suppressed a sneeze. I continued to serve the next person. As I was giving her her change, she looked at me with a horrified expression. I looked down and my shirt was covered in a trail of snot all the way to my belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 554

You deserved it 498

By horsefuck - 07/08/2015 12:51 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 436

You deserved it 6 830

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:33 - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 147

You deserved it 8 749

By Anonymous - 07/11/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, I got a new job. I'm 26 and I left an amazing job to move back to be around my family. I have no choice but to take this job. I will be placing my finger in a dead turkeys ass, cutting open its stomach, and ripping out its guts. 15 per minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 016

You deserved it 10 742

By josie345 - 25/08/2011 02:07 - United States

Today, some blowhard on a motorcycle yelled at me for jaywalking, causing him to almost hit a dumpster. He picked up and threw an empty beer can at me when I started giggling at the sticker on the front of his helmet that said "If you can read this, I have lost my caravan." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 125

You deserved it 27 234

By sheWontbeOnMyZombieApocteam - 12/07/2015 19:56 - United States - Killeen

Today, while walking home with my girlfriend we decided to take a shortcut in the woods. After hearing a huge noise, she pushed me and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 037

You deserved it 2 865

By Anonymous - 09/08/2014 19:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I heard my sister gagging in her room. She was doing it quietly, and I got pretty concerned, after hearing a lot about bulimia recently. I knocked, then heard a gasp, so I let myself in, only to see her on her knees and her boyfriend with his underwear around his ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 380

You deserved it 24 455

By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 06:19 - United States - Avon

Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 256

You deserved it 3 537

By EmployeeOfTheMonth - 09/06/2013 23:33 - United States - Montpelier

Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 414

You deserved it 9 109

By Don’t know what to think - 16/06/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me with an Eagles cheerleader. I found out when his dad proudly posted about it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 246

You deserved it 307

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Top comments

ifuckmonsters 5

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:31

And you're surprised?

RochelleRedvines 8

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:31

She asked for it. Literally.

ifuckmonsters 5

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:31

And you're surprised?

EG14_fml 8

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:31

#1 rule to being a good boyfriend, never tell her she's fat. Never.

mduffy08 8

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:40

Or perish.

BossPathfinderGM 14

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:45

Really? I would think "don't insult her" would be a better rule to live by.

vcapelo 19

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:03

Just don't feel bad about it and don't go apologize to her. She asked for it and she's the one who needs to get over it! You need to stay cool or else she'll start losing respect for you!

MichellinMan 20

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:12

RULE #1 OF FEMALES: Never, ever, ever, never, ever, EVER call a girl fat.

chris_a7x 11

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:22

Do you really fuck monsters?

HiIAmKevin 8

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:53

Lol when a girl tells you to do that you should think OP. Girl psychology is the opposite of what they say!!

ifuckmonsters 5

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:55

Obviously, why not?

winkydog4056 16

Tuesday 11 December 2012 1:53

#45_Winky will add to this comment; even if they ARE fat!

ositoakaluis 16

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 2:53

Because tentacles that why

chris_a7x 11

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 4:27

Dude niceeee

skellingtonfart 18

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 4:33

No matter what she did, NEVER call a girl fat, ever. That's an self-esteem killer right there!

selenagomezlover 8

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 7:47

YOU need to start gaining respect for WOMEN or else they'll lose respect for YOU

Lisha_B 5

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 20:34

Now we know why she isn't speaking to him. You're giving him blowjobs!

motoxracer156 5

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Sunday 23 December 2012 4:15

U dumb idiot

TipOfTheHat 10

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:31

Never ask for something you don't want!

ArielTheMermaid 17

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:37

#2, don't tell her she's ugly

ArielTheMermaid 17

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:39

#2, don't tell her she's ugly

ArielTheMermaid 17

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:40

That was supposed to be a reply to number 1....I have no idea how this happened....

SirFawkes 16

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 16:05

You clicked #2 instead of #1, that's how.

RochelleRedvines 8

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:31

She asked for it. Literally.

ninjaboy18 6

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:33

Still, you should never call a girl fat.

spekledworf 18

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 2:29

This is an obvious trap he fell into.

ProfessionalTrol_fml 14

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 5:51

Girls and their little mind games. Life is such a mystery...

sonicgreg 12

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 21:05

I would have used this situation for food or sex

Schadenfreude45 3

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Monday 10 December 2012 23:31

Next time, just ask for a blowjob.

OhAidan 7

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:06

Well.. Maybe in a different timeline...

lilhellian 26

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:15

Rule #2 Unless she is a whore don't ask a random girl for a bj.. They usually are not very happy..

dogpup4 23

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:20

Girlfriend, not a random girl.

lilhellian 26

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:24

I know.. I was just saying.. >.>

savage93 11

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:30

Well that was still a dumb comment. Oh, and im just saying.

OldMemoriesFade 8

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 0:31

It's better then calling her fat, or saying that she's getting fat. I'd prefer my boyfriend to ask for a blow job, over call me fat. Who knows that may be like her biggest insecurities, as it is for most women.

Steve95401 49

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 1:45

I don't think he'll be getting a blow job, or anything else from her, anytime soon.

panda_lou 11

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 1:46

I don't understand why girls hate blowjobs so much. He never has to ask for one with me. I have never understood the problem. As for the insult OP delivered I'm not sure what to say. Was her comment rude enough to warrant such an insult? Is she really gaining weight or were you just trying to deliver a low blow? If you were just trying to insult her while making her also insecure about her body therefore unlikely to sleep with you because she now thinks you see her as a pig then I think you did rather well.

Daiyuki 5

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 2:27

So 91, are you saying you're a mind reader or that you give random blowjobs whenever the mood strikes you? Either way isn't too bad, but I am confused